How patient should I be?

[GaelicSoul]

My situation sounds very similar to yours homebrew. Only thing is i have had NC with my ex since feb, and im on day 95 now NC.

 

1. She has G.I.G.S.

2. Associates and spends a majority of her time with people that are bad influences on her

3. Partying Lifestyle

4. Couple of other minor things but are related to 1, 2 and 3.

 

I got the whole "i love you but im not in love with you anymore" crap.

 

Thanks for all your advice man

[homebrew]

My situation sounds very similar to yours homebrew. Only thing is i have had NC with my ex since feb, and im on day 95 now NC.

 

1. She has G.I.G.S.

2. Associates and spends a majority of her time with people that are bad influences on her

3. Partying Lifestyle

4. Couple of other minor things but are related to 1, 2 and 3.

 

I got the whole "i love you but im not in love with you anymore" crap.

 

Thanks for all your advice man

 

I went NC for about 9 months... had a couple of exchanges and was in NC till April. That is when she contacted me about wanting me back.

 

Spent a little time with her and realized that she still hasn't gotten the whole G.I.G.S. / Partying out of her system.

 

Told her I wasn't feeling it and backed away again.

 

Just so you know...

 

From what I know from personal experience and others... It's seems that it takes about 1.5 - 2 years for people to get over G.I.G.S. / burn out on the partying lifestyle. This is for most people, but sometimes people take longer or never grow out of it.

[GaelicSoul]

Well im 28 now, shes 25. Ive learned a lot from past relationships, and how to handle breakups. I feel very betrayed by this girl, as i did my best. But your cant change people, if thats how they feel, or they need more you just have to let them go. When she broke up with me, i told her if thats how she feels there is the door.

 

Now all these months later, all i know is shes still hanging out with her new gf's she met a month before breaking up with me and has been drinking and going out a lot. I dont think shes seeing anybody, as far as i know. But to be honest i dont care at this stage.

 

I wouldnt be surprised if she reached out in the future, but im not holding my breath.

Edited May 10, 2011 by GaelicSoul

[SoCal_Guy]

I want to get to where most of you are - that is where she doesn't consume my thoughts all day or I don't have dreams about her or I don't wonder about what she's doing. If it's just time, then I wish I could press the fast-forward button. If there are some other tips, then please share. I am having a weaker day today, but I have not given in. I will not contact her - that I promise - but this is one of those days where I'm really having too many thoughts about her and I'm struggling to concentrate on work or myself.

 

My girl had GIGS in the past. I think she still has it and a case of not being completely over the other guy. Despite everyone else's opinion on how much she is talking to the other guy (I don't know how much because I am not around her anymore), I really believe she wants to try this with me, but we both agree now is not the time. I can repeat that all day long to myself, but I still can't get her out of my mind. I just want to treat this as moving on and if our paths cross down the road and we're ready to give this a shot, then we can. The question is … how the hell do I get there?

[poorguy]

Agreed...when they have GIGS you have to dissapear. It in fact does take 1.5 to 2 years for them to snap out of it. All three of my exes caught cases of it and two of the three came crashing back in that time period. It wasnt the I miss you sh#t either. Matter of fact they didnt even care that I had another girlfriend. You have to wait for them to hit bottom I.E. run out of options. Even the most beautiful girls with GIGS run out of options eventually. If your around that leaves them with at least one option....and thats not good.

 

Just be patient. You can set your watch to this time period...all of this assuming they in fact have GIGS...if you broke up due to some other reason than my explantion here doesnt apply

[homebrew]

The question is … how the hell do I get there?

 

 

The last three posters, PoorGuy, GaelicSoul and I have all been with and broke up with a person with G.I.G.S.

 

You want to get to where we are?

 

We struggled, had bad days, wanted to contact our Ex, etc. just like you.

 

What we did different from you is... We all forced ourselves to go NC for a LONG period of time until our situations or Ex didn't bother us anymore. We took the time to grief the loss of the relationship, to heal and to move on.

 

Poorguy heard from his Ex with G.I.G.S. not long ago... His response to her was PERFECT! Why? Because he is "over it" so to speak and in control of his emotions and was himself. Do I think his Ex will come back to him? Based on her actions and what she says to him, you better believe it. She is just not there yet...

 

PoorGuy, GaelicSoul and I are not sitting around waiting, reading into things, trying to force anything, making an a55 of ourselves, etc.

 

We accepted the situation for what is was, wished them well and moved on down the road.

[poorguy]

The last three posters, PoorGuy, GaelicSoul and I have all been with and broke up with a person with G.I.G.S.

 

You want to get to where we are?

 

We struggled, had bad days, wanted to contact our Ex, etc. just like you.

 

What we did different from you is... We all forced ourselves to go NC for a LONG period of time until our situations or Ex didn't bother us anymore. We took the time to grief the loss of the relationship, to heal and to move on.

 

Poorguy heard from his Ex with G.I.G.S. not long ago... His response to her was PERFECT! Why? Because he is "over it" so to speak and in control of his emotions and was himself. Do I think his Ex will come back to him? Based on her actions and what she says to him, you better believe it. She is just not there yet...

 

PoorGuy, GaelicSoul and I are not sitting around waiting, reading into things, trying to force anything, making an a55 of ourselves, etc.

 

We accepted the situation for what is was, wished them well and moved on down the road.

 

 

True that buddy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[GaelicSoul]

You need to grab your balls and be a man about this. If you leave somebody walk all over you now, this is going to happen for the rest of your life.

 

We all can look back in rose tented glasses, and think of all these great moments we spent with our Ex's. An believe me, they're days that can be very tough. You question yourself, you blame yourself , "what if's". Hope/Dispair.

 

But at the end of the day, all you have is yourself. You are the only person that can make you feel better.

 

Friends and family are good, but listen to me, its about taking baby steps, day by day, setting targets and goals and achieving them is what will make you great. Its not easy, But if you need to talk, come on here and talk to us. Thats what i do, and i feel better knowing there is people out there who have experience and knowledge in these situations. I have kept my pride and dignity with how i handled myself when she broke my heart. The only beggin i did, was aked to meet me for a coffee 3 weeks after the breakup in Jan, initially she accepted, but on the 11th our she didnt think it was a good idea. Do you know what i did..... Nothing. I said ok, and moved on.

 

What i know is that i was the best BF she has ever had, the longest relationship she ever had. Nobody treated her as well as me. I never cheated on her or abused her and respected her. I always had things going on, and fun weekends planned. And was tried to be as strong as i could for her and kept her in line if she was rude or childish. I dont think there was an obvious reason for the breakup, but it seems like GIGS.

 

So what happens with NC. I continue to heal, date new girls, spend more time with my friends and family, have more fun and time to myself. Save some money and start planning my future again without her. If she wants to be part of my great life again, she'll bloody well have to work for it.

[homebrew]

What i know is that i was the best BF she has ever had, the longest relationship she ever had. Nobody treated her as well as me. I never cheated on her or abused her and respected her. I always had things going on, and fun weekends planned. And was tried to be as strong as i could for her and kept her in line if she was rude or childish.

 

SoCal,

 

Poorguy's and my Ex have already contacted us (8 months - 1 year later) and told us exactly what GaelicSoul wrote above. That we were the best BF's ever, loved them like no other, accepted them for who they are, treated them better than anyone else and we didn't take their crap.

 

I suspect in the near future GaelicSou's Ex will contact him and tell him the same thing.

 

I can't speak for GaelicSoul but for Poorguy and I, another thing we have going for us is this... Our Exes are brats and they are both what I like to call a "HOT MESS". It takes a very strong, patient and understanding man to be able to deal with women like that.

 

So it is only a matter of time before our Exes come to their senses and come chasing after us. Now if we choose to take them back... That is a whole different story.

 

What makes the three of us so different?

 

It's our approach and attitude about the whole thing... Which is...

 

IT'S THEIR LOSS!

Edited May 10, 2011 by homebrew

[poorguy]

SoCal,

 

Poorguy's and my Ex have already contacted us (8 months - 1 year later) and told us exactly what GaelicSoul wrote above. That we were the best BF's ever, loved them like no other, accepted them for who they are, treated them better than anyone else and we didn't take their crap.

 

I suspect in the near future GaelicSou's Ex will contact him and tell him the same thing.

 

I can't speak for GaelicSoul but for Poorguy and I, another thing we have going for us is this... Our Exes are brats and they are both what I like to call a "HOT MESS". It takes a very strong, patient and understanding man to be able to deal with women like that.

 

So it is only a matter of time before our Exes come to their senses and come chasing after us.

 

Now if we choose to take them back... That is a whole different story.

 

Our approach and attitude about the whole thing... IT'S THEIR LOSS!

 

True that!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[homebrew]

You need to grab your balls and be a man about this.

 

I still haven't stopped laughing about this comment!!!! Classic!!!!

 

Some people recommend you put a rubberband on your wrist and snap it when you find yourself dwelling or putting the Ex up on a pedestal... Guess SoCal should put the rubberband around said part(s) instead! Hahahahaha!

 

That would fix him in a HURRY!

[GaelicSoul]

I would'nt recommend it Homebrew, but im sure it would work

Desparate times calls for desperate measures lol

 

What guys seem to forget, is Women will always find a guy

attractive who is

 

1. Confident

2. Charming

3. Challenge

 

If you can regain all of these traits, you will begin to see women being drawn to you. For arguments sake if you Ex wants you back, think how you would like to appear to her?

 

Personally, i want to be able to look her in the eye and not even flinch, even if shes welling up. I want to be genuine, and not trying to put on a brave face. I want to look healthy and strong, not somebody who has hid in my room since she broke up with me.

 

I know im stronger then her, and im the prize here. Im probably sounding arrogant, but i have no fear of meeting other women. In fact im going on a another date this weekend with a beautiful polish girl.

 

You will know, and i stress you will know in time when you are moving on. That is where i am now. I want to feel 100% happy with myself, and show her that im cool and i have moved on. If she wants to reconcile, and thats a big if, then ill cross that bridge in time. But right now, i couldnt care less whats shes doing, whos shes with and how shes feeling. Im 28, i have my whole life ahead of me, and my happiness doesnt depend on some unappreicative 25 year old girl, who wouldnt know a good thing if it kicked her in the arse. I heard it all from her "your the best thing that ever happened to me", "i dont deserve you" "dont ever leave me".. A month later she broke up with me.. We were meant to go travelling the world this summer together, you know what.. Im still going to go travelling, for me.

 

To hell with a woman like that, imagine 10 years down the line, and she walked out me again with no explanation. Imagine kids involved, a house etc. I dont need that stress in my life. Sometimes in life you just got to let go and realise you cant fix everything, but one certainty is that you can work and fix on yourself. And if you learn anything from breakups, is that you wont make the same mistakes again, and your one step closer to true happiness with somebody that will love you and appreciate you for who you are.

 

Be a man, put away the boy. You deserve the very best in life, not waiting around for some emotionally immatue girl who will ultimatley ruin your chances of being happy. If its meant to be, then let fate will decide. For now, date other women, get out with your mates, stop checking her FB, keep yourself a mystery and show her that you are your own man, and you wont be disrespected and treated second best. Time is on your side.

 

What will she do, probably make all the same mistakes again she has made in all her other relationships, cold feet and run away when the going gets serious. You dodged a bullet

Edited May 10, 2011 by GaelicSoul

[SoCal_Guy]

I can take the rubber band around my private parts comments as a joke and trying to lighten the mood. I actually chuckled.

 

I know I need to man up in this. I struggle with the things she did and said (I know, actions not words) since she came crawling back to me, because she showed me things that made me think this was going to be a REAL second chance. I was very unsure about getting back together unless she was ready, and she knew that and now she feels terrible for following her feelings when she wasn't ready because it hurt me … again. She really does feel bad about it and has apologized. I should have been stronger and asked her to wait, but she hid these issues she is going through from me when we first started talking again. I only noticed them once we started hanging out more. I am not sure how else I could have known. Live and learn.

 

Graceful — I know you think this woman is bad news for me and a waste of time. I appreciate your honest comments on that and you may be right. Only time will tell. However, I love this girl and think we are great together (so does she) and I have invested too much to give up all hope. Maybe it was a waste of my time, but I don't really have any big regrets. I've come to terms that now is bad timing for us to work. I accept that and so does she. Maybe down the road it will be the right time, but I need to NOT live my life hanging on to that thread. I need to move on and work on myself and if we are meant to be, it will happen. There is still a GREAT attraction between us when we are together. That's why this time apart (and it's been a week now since we've seen each other and that's the only time in the last three weeks). will help us realize what's right.

 

GaelicSoul - I am trying some of those things you suggest (I work out every day, I hang out with friends more often, I come to LS to post and read), but I am not quite sure I'm ready to date yet. I want to be fair to the other side if I date, and I can't do that yet with these feelings. With time, I know. I'm not worried about dating or finding a woman who is interested in me. I have confidence in myself, but right now it's a little bit shot because of all this. I guess that's natural. I did delete her from facebook several months ago. I learned that lesson the hard way, but felt much better after I did that. She has since deleted her account several weeks ago as a part of what her therapist recommended to get over her issues. She told me - I didn't even ask because I had no idea since we're not friends on there anymore.

 

I had a much better afternoon after I vented on here. I also wrote myself an email draft and kept jotting down thoughts that came to mind all day. I sent it to myself. I think it helps, so I'm going to continue coming here and sending myself emails (that sounds weird) when I get those thoughts. I realize I'll get through this, but the corner seems so far away right now. The vacation I have for the end of this month is going to really help and I can't wait to get away from everything.

Edited May 11, 2011 by SoCal_Guy

[muzik_lvr]

I would'nt recommend it Homebrew, but im sure it would work

Desparate times calls for desperate measures lol

 

What guys seem to forget, is Women will always find a guy

attractive who is

 

1. Confident

2. Charming

3. Challenge

 

If you can regain all of these traits, you will begin to see women being drawn to you. For arguments sake if you Ex wants you back, think how you would like to appear to her?

 

Personally, i want to be able to look her in the eye and not even flinch, even if shes welling up. I want to be genuine, and not trying to put on a brave face. I want to look healthy and strong, not somebody who has hid in my room since she broke up with me.

 

I know im stronger then her, and im the prize here. Im probably sounding arrogant, but i have no fear of meeting other women. In fact im going on a another date this weekend with a beautiful polish girl.

 

You will know, and i stress you will know in time when you are moving on. That is where i am now. I want to feel 100% happy with myself, and show her that im cool and i have moved on. If she wants to reconcile, and thats a big if, then ill cross that bridge in time. But right now, i couldnt care less whats shes doing, whos shes with and how shes feeling. Im 28, i have my whole life ahead of me, and my happiness doesnt depend on some unappreicative 25 year old girl, who wouldnt know a good thing if it kicked her in the arse. I heard it all from her "your the best thing that ever happened to me", "i dont deserve you" "dont ever leave me".. A month later she broke up with me.. We were meant to go travelling the world this summer together, you know what.. Im still going to go travelling, for me.

 

To hell with a woman like that, imagine 10 years down the line, and she walked out me again with no explanation. Imagine kids involved, a house etc. I dont need that stress in my life. Sometimes in life you just got to let go and realise you cant fix everything, but one certainty is that you can work and fix on yourself. And if you learn anything from breakups, is that you wont make the same mistakes again, and your one step closer to true happiness with somebody that will love you and appreciate you for who you are.

 

Be a man, put away the boy. You deserve the very best in life, not waiting around for some emotionally immatue girl who will ultimatley ruin your chances of being happy. If its meant to be, then let fate will decide. For now, date other women, get out with your mates, stop checking her FB, keep yourself a mystery and show her that you are your own man, and you wont be disrespected and treated second best. Time is on your side.

 

What will she do, probably make all the same mistakes again she has made in all her other relationships, cold feet and run away when the going gets serious. You dodged a bullet

 

There has been a lot of good wisdom shared in this thread, but this post is great!!

[SoCal_Guy]

muzik_lvr — agreed. I have taken many suggestions and thoughts from this thread. These people know what they're talking about. It all makes sense and I know what I need to do, but the hard part is actually going through with it. I'm over one week now since any contact. I still think about her and I do miss her, but I know where I need to be. I'm not there yet if I still think about her as much as I do.

[SoCal_Guy]

Just got another text from her. Nothing important, just saying hi and asking how I was. I have ignored for two hours now. I'm better at not replying now, but I'm working on not letting it bother me. I fully expect another text later asking if I'm mad or ignoring her.

 

Tell me this gets easier as time passes.

[rayne05us]

Good job, you're doing really good...just be pleasant and brief. And it DOES get better trust me, you're in the best possible situation to cope with all of this.

[0hpenelope]

Just got another text from her. Nothing important, just saying hi and asking how I was. I have ignored for two hours now. I'm better at not replying now, but I'm working on not letting it bother me. I fully expect another text later asking if I'm mad or ignoring her.

 

Tell me this gets easier as time passes.

Resisting the urge to send a response gets easier as time passes. You've spoken to her and you already know how bad it feels after you do it. Remember that uncomfortable feeling well because it will tide you over the urge to response.

 

You're doing well. Keep it up!

[SoCal_Guy]

I had a really tough night. I did not sleep at all. I was fine until i laid down in my bed. My mind was racing, even with the TV on. I tried to read a book. I took antihistamine to try to make me drowsy. Nothing worked.

 

Why do I let her texts get to me so much? I never replied (second one this week) and it really bothers me, because this goes against the type of person I truly am. Part of me just wants to send her an email that explains I am not doing this to be mean, to ignore her or to play games … I'm doing this because this is what she asked for, needs and deserves. I know she thinks I'm being immature by not responding. Why do I worry about what she thinks so much? Besides the fact that I truly love and care about her.

 

The thought that really keeps racing through my mind is related to fear, though. I just want to call her and ask her to be honest with me … "If you respect me, will you be honest with me and let me know if you are back with (no names - the other guy that cheated)?" The unknown is killing me, but I just want to be able to not let that bother me. She's free to do what she wants. I need to treat this as if she is and move on, but that's easier said than done. Is this beyond my control right now?

 

We have something special that I don't want to totally give up on. My vacation CANNOT get here soon enough. Two weeks from tomorrow. Where is the fast-forward button?

[rayne05us]

I have nights like that too..it is hard, but not impossible. Block her texts man...anything that will help. You HAVE to take care of yourself first. Your health and well being is most important. Try to make some awesome plans with your friends this weekend!! Anything to take your mind off...

[GaelicSoul]

I had a really tough night. I did not sleep at all. I was fine until i laid down in my bed. My mind was racing, even with the TV on. I tried to read a book. I took antihistamine to try to make me drowsy. Nothing worked.

 

Why do I let her texts get to me so much? I never replied (second one this week) and it really bothers me, because this goes against the type of person I truly am. Part of me just wants to send her an email that explains I am not doing this to be mean, to ignore her or to play games … I'm doing this because this is what she asked for, needs and deserves. I know she thinks I'm being immature by not responding. Why do I worry about what she thinks so much? Besides the fact that I truly love and care about her.

 

The thought that really keeps racing through my mind is related to fear, though. I just want to call her and ask her to be honest with me … "If you respect me, will you be honest with me and let me know if you are back with (no names - the other guy that cheated)?" The unknown is killing me, but I just want to be able to not let that bother me. She's free to do what she wants. I need to treat this as if she is and move on, but that's easier said than done. Is this beyond my control right now?

 

We have something special that I don't want to totally give up on. My vacation CANNOT get here soon enough. Two weeks from tomorrow. Where is the fast-forward button?

 

Why are you trying to be the nice guy here? Your inner voice is a little bitcch. Tell it to **** off! Do not even read the texts. Your putting yourself through so much pain man. Look you are going to have tough lonely times alone with your thoughts. We all have them, your not unique. They're times where we all question ourselves, am i doing the right thing etc. But this is one of these moments in life where you need to be strong. Your future self will thank you for it. Chin up dude. Put on some guns n roses paradise city and you will be ok

[RecordProducer]

I will put this as gently as possible to you: she doesn't give a rat's ass about you. She loves her ex who will soon be back in her life and you're just a bait to get her ex back. Get the hell out of this drama. A woman who loves you - loves you and doesn't go back to her ex, doesn't answer his calls or hooks up with you when she gets over her ex. YOU are the one attracted to her, she is not attarcted to you. You have no backbone. Sorry, dude, you sound like a real sweetheart, but you're way too clingy.

[SoCal_Guy]

Record Producer

 

Thank you for your opinion, but I respectfully, 100 percent, totally disagree. She is not using or did not use me to get him back. She could have gotten him back without reaching out to me at all. She reached out to me because she still had feelings for me, feelings she had throughout their short relationship. He was begging for her back from the day she dumped him. There was no need for her to use another guy to win him back. Quite the opposite situation here, so I apologize if that wasn't clear in my story descriptions.

 

I'm not defending her actions or what she's done to me by any stretch, but she didn't use me. My therapist even told me this after I brought it up last week.

[Fufu]

SoCal_Guy: Do your best to move on and forward with your life If you can go through this ordeal, when you look back, you will be very proud and happy for yourself for choosing the path of moving forward.

[SoCal_Guy]

Well an update from the weekend … I did a great job of planning things with friends to keep me busy and my mind off her. I went for a 13-mile bike ride with a friend on Saturday and then met up with him and other friends for a night out on the town. It was a lot of fun. Did I think of her? Of course, but not as much. I even found myself checking out other girls (not in a player-type of way). I was pretty tired when I got home, but somewhat proud of myself for keeping myself busy and open to other things.

 

How does the ex always have the worst timing? Guess who showed up at my house at 3 AM? Yep. Well, I probably should have told her that now was not a good time, but I didn't. I invited her in and we chatted for about an hour. It really was a good talk, but I wish I wasn't a little bit inebriated. We both spoke our minds and we both agreed on way more than I thought we would.

 

She cried and I got a little emotional a few times, but it was something that needed to happen. I don't want to share the details — most of it is boring — but we agreed that we both would like to try this in the future, but that right now is not the right time. She is afraid I'll move on and not give her a chance when she's ready. I told her I can't put my life on hold and the other guy needs to be out of her life before I involve myself with her again, but that if I'm still available in a month or two (or whenever she's ready), that we should meet up for lunch and see how we feel about things. (yes, homebrew, we already had a very similar talk about two weeks ago, but this one was more her expressing her feelings as opposed to me expressing mine at the first meeting … something that needed to happen).

 

So, all in all, I feel a lot better about things in my life presently. Do I still miss her? Absolutely. Would I be open to pursuing things with her once she's over her issues? Of course. I just am going to focus on myself right now still and then see where we stand in a month or two. Maybe my feelings will remain the same. Maybe they'll change. Only time will tell. Two days from now, I may be in a different state of mind. Who knows?

 

Thank you to everyone for providing advice, suggestions, opinions — even the harsh ones. It is MUCH appreciated and I'm so glad this anonymous support group exists.