How patient should I be?

[SoCal_Guy]

Today was really tough … much harder to get through than I expected. The weight that one unanswered text message from the women who has your heart is unbelievably heavy. The minutes go by like hours. Ugh. Why is this so hard? I need some strategies besides the usual (i.e., working out, stay busy at work, socialize with friends). I do all those. I just can't get her off my mind.

[homebrew]

Today was really tough … much harder to get through than I expected. The weight that one unanswered text message from the women who has your heart is unbelievably heavy. The minutes go by like hours. Ugh. Why is this so hard? I need some strategies besides the usual (i.e., working out, stay busy at work, socialize with friends). I do all those. I just can't get her off my mind.

 

If you respond... You will push her away and lose her! There will come a time when you can respond... but not now.

 

Go through the threads and print out statements you like and keep them with you. When you struggling... Read them, call a friend, etc.

 

You can do this!

[Sassygirl2]

Wow - this is a good thread. I like what you've advised Homebrew. You are almost militant about this NC. I can't wait to hear how things are going SoCal. I think I'm a bit like you in some ways (wanting my ex to come back).

 

I wanted to know if I can ask Homebrew a question about my situation with my ex-bf? He dumped me almost 3 weeks ago and I am trying to stay NC for my self. I am trying to heal and move on but it's been hard. We share a dog together. I've seen him twice since the breakup just to exchange the dog and I have been friendly and kept it light both times. He left me because we got into a big fight in front of the kids while camping and I got a bit angry. I didn't curse in front of the kids but I pretty much had a melt down because I was really stressed about other things and I felt like he was ignoring me all weekend. I threw a few things at the campsite and pushed him. I know, that's really, really bad. He broke up with me when we got back and said that "he wasn't going to put himself or his kids in that situation again." He said that yes, it sucks especially since we just got the dog together. After a week I sent an apology letter about my behavior and that it was unacceptable and would never happen again. The next week I sent an email telling him I accepted and understood the break up and that I needed to work on myself, my anger and my insecurities. I am doing that now and trying to decrease the stress in my life. I love him a lot and have never acted this way with him before. We had a great thing going and I blew it. He sent me an email 2 nights ago with some pictures of my kids that he had on his camera. He said he "hoped everyone was doing well." I didn't respond. He needs to know I am working on myself. I am not going to beg for him to take me back (even though sometimes I want to). Any advice?

 

If I am in any way high jacking your thread SoCal, then boot me off!

[SoCal_Guy]

Sassy - no worries. I'd prefer to keep this thread alive and toward the top. I'm also open for suggestions from a woman's POV on what I should do to get through this period while she heals (besides work on myself and be patient).

 

homebrew - good idea to print out some of the posts on this thread when I feel a weak moment coming. I have yet to respond and I know she is probably upset (which does cause me some pain), but she understands. She really does. I don't think she is testing me at this point after our talk the other day. I think she just wanted to know if I was ok, but she knows I'm managing.

[homebrew]

I am not militant about NC... but in SoCal's case I am.

 

SoCal's women is in a relationship with another man so if he were to be in contact with her, he is giving his approval for her to be in a relationship with the other guy. This is not the message SoCal wants to communicate!

 

My Ex is not in a relationship with anyone at the moment. However she is hung up on a guy that she dated for 4 months (they broke up about a month ago). So I am in VERY, VERY limited NIC with my Ex while she figures things out.

Edited May 6, 2011 by homebrew

[homebrew]

Wow - this is a good thread. I like what you've advised Homebrew. You are almost militant about this NC. I can't wait to hear how things are going SoCal. I think I'm a bit like you in some ways (wanting my ex to come back).

 

I wanted to know if I can ask Homebrew a question about my situation with my ex-bf? He dumped me almost 3 weeks ago and I am trying to stay NC for my self. I am trying to heal and move on but it's been hard. We share a dog together. I've seen him twice since the breakup just to exchange the dog and I have been friendly and kept it light both times. He left me because we got into a big fight in front of the kids while camping and I got a bit angry. I didn't curse in front of the kids but I pretty much had a melt down because I was really stressed about other things and I felt like he was ignoring me all weekend. I threw a few things at the campsite and pushed him. I know, that's really, really bad. He broke up with me when we got back and said that "he wasn't going to put himself or his kids in that situation again." He said that yes, it sucks especially since we just got the dog together. After a week I sent an apology letter about my behavior and that it was unacceptable and would never happen again. The next week I sent an email telling him I accepted and understood the break up and that I needed to work on myself, my anger and my insecurities. I am doing that now and trying to decrease the stress in my life. I love him a lot and have never acted this way with him before. We had a great thing going and I blew it. He sent me an email 2 nights ago with some pictures of my kids that he had on his camera. He said he "hoped everyone was doing well." I didn't respond. He needs to know I am working on myself. I am not going to beg for him to take me back (even though sometimes I want to). Any advice?

 

If I am in any way high jacking your thread SoCal, then boot me off!

 

Sassy, I sent you a PM.

[broken-and-lost]

SoCal_Guy i'll bump this for you as it's a great thread, keep up the hard work nothing worth having ever came easy in life

[shawn923]

Homebrew! I also have a extremely similar story here... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=275177

 

Hopefully you can help me! Long story short, i was NC with my ex who picked up a new bf. She broke NC after 2 weeks, and admitted that she still loves me, misses me, no one compares, thinks of me 24/7, kissed, and even admitted that the guy shes with now, she only got with him to get over me... aka a rebound... Me, i was honest with her thru out the meeting. I told her how i felt and what i expected... Things ended on a great note. Then she asks WHEN her and him break up, will i be there? i said sure... So after hearing all this, the following day i tell her actions speak louder than words. If u wanna be with me, then SHOW me. She said "i cant leave him sorry". So i said thanks for playing with emotions, erase my number, i want nothing to do with you... she says "i dont want it like that!" then i havent heard from her since... this was a week ago.

 

So homebrew, or anybody else, do u think i did the right thing? Do i still have a chance with her? And where do i go from here? If u can answer these questions then i'll greatly appreciate you homebrew. lol.

[poorguy]

Homebrew! I also have a extremely similar story here... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=275177

 

Hopefully you can help me! Long story short, i was NC with my ex who picked up a new bf. She broke NC after 2 weeks, and admitted that she still loves me, misses me, no one compares, thinks of me 24/7, kissed, and even admitted that the guy shes with now, she only got with him to get over me... aka a rebound... Me, i was honest with her thru out the meeting. I told her how i felt and what i expected... Things ended on a great note. Then she asks WHEN her and him break up, will i be there? i said sure... So after hearing all this, the following day i tell her actions speak louder than words. If u wanna be with me, then SHOW me. She said "i cant leave him sorry". So i said thanks for playing with emotions, erase my number, i want nothing to do with you... she says "i dont want it like that!" then i havent heard from her since... this was a week ago.

 

So homebrew, or anybody else, do u think i did the right thing? Do i still have a chance with her? And where do i go from here? If u can answer these questions then i'll greatly appreciate you homebrew. lol.

 

I'm afraid I've heard this same thing happen on here so many times. Homebrew will tell you all about it. You just got played. She got her emotional high at your expense...She got..........wait for it..........and ego boost directly from emotionally manipulating you into making her feel special. Was'nt that sweet of her to do? Dude, this is where you draw the line and truly man up and drop off the face off the Earth.............oh yeah..............wait for it.................F*CK HER TOO!!!!! So send her a message by sending nothing at all

[broken-and-lost]

Homebrew! I also have a extremely similar story here... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=275177

 

Hopefully you can help me! Long story short, i was NC with my ex who picked up a new bf. She broke NC after 2 weeks, and admitted that she still loves me, misses me, no one compares, thinks of me 24/7, kissed, and even admitted that the guy shes with now, she only got with him to get over me... aka a rebound... Me, i was honest with her thru out the meeting. I told her how i felt and what i expected... Things ended on a great note. Then she asks WHEN her and him break up, will i be there? i said sure... So after hearing all this, the following day i tell her actions speak louder than words. If u wanna be with me, then SHOW me. She said "i cant leave him sorry". So i said thanks for playing with emotions, erase my number, i want nothing to do with you... she says "i dont want it like that!" then i havent heard from her since... this was a week ago.

 

So homebrew, or anybody else, do u think i did the right thing? Do i still have a chance with her? And where do i go from here? If u can answer these questions then i'll greatly appreciate you homebrew. lol.

 

Man really sorry to hear your story that's so messed up it's not even funny, she can't care about you if she's done that to you surely she just would have finished with the guy then contacted you after telling you how she felt, sounds like she just wanted the boost in a rough time with her current boyfriend sorry man really sorry

[confused1989]

Shawn what if she got back with you and she had another guy on the side who she told to wait for her too. If she's doing this crap behind the new guys back she can easily do it to you. I wouldn't wait around on her at all or want a second chance with someone who's A) not showing you any respect at all and B) WITH another boyfriend at the moment.

 

I think you are right in cutting her loose. I had a similar situation and I cut her loose and felt bad, yeah. But the thing you are doing wrong now is waiting for her when who knows she could end up marrying this guy. I would just say the only thing you are doing wrong is letting her have 100% control over you while she shows no respect for you at all. And this girl is so shady and everyone has told you that and I read all of your threads and no one is telling you to want her back or to fight for her at all. I think you should re-read all the good advice that you got on here!

 

She has another boyfriend... that would drive me insane if I knew my ex had a new boyfriend. I wouldn't want anything to do with her and definitely wouldn't be waiting for them to break up. Especially since the fact that she is choosing to be with him over you at the moment.

 

I would just tell her to shove it. You need to heal and move on and find a great girl for yourself. Keep ignoring her, keep NC and she will realize that you're gone. You're not gone at all at the moment and she knows that.

[shawn923]

I see... Well how can i tell my mind not to want her, when i do??? Shes on my mind 24/7... I know logically i shouldnt want her. But i do...

[confused1989]

don't know if this helps but I found it in a book:

 

"The urge to over-analyze the situation, the looking for reasons - why your Ex did this and say that - the "if only" and "what if" hypothetical mental reasoning is a dangerous trap.

 

This trap leads to constantly replaying in your head parts of the relationship and imagining how things would have been if you did not behave in a certain way. Although it is important to learn from your mistakes, in the beginning this continual mental reasoning can harm you big-time. Comprehension of what happened and the profit you gain from it comes later in the healing process. Not now. It is important to choke it off right when it begins.

 

To do this, use this little technique I call “The Mind Ex- Detox”. It’s the best tool I know for stopping unwanted thoughts.

 

“The Mind Ex-Detox” technique consists of 5 steps:

 

1. First you have to identify your recurring thought patterns. Write them down. Take your time with this. This could be, for example:

o looking for reasons

o imagining your Ex with a new partner

o reliving the actual breakup

o reliving old painful memories

o playing through the

"shoulda/woulda/coulda's"

 

2. Make a list of 3 of your most pleasant thoughts and pictures ever. It is important that these thoughts and pictures give you pleasure, and have nothing to do with the unwanted thoughts.

This could be:

 

o imagining playing a favorite sport ("Skiing on

fresh powder ... I'm flying")

o a hobby

o a peaceful or beautiful place

o a special achievement or award

 

3. Put a rubber-band around your wrist and every time negative thought patterns rise up, you pull that rubber-band and shout “STOP” loudly, (or in your mind if there are people nearby).

 

4. Immediately switch to one of the written down positive thoughts. Relive them vividly in your mind. Merge with these positive thoughts and become them. Do this in as much detail as possible, enjoy all the pleasant sights, sounds, tastes, and smells for about thirty seconds.

 

5. Repeat the process as often as required. The technique takes some conscientious practice, but with

time you can master it.

 

Stopping your monkey-mind from reprocessing and reliving the negative thoughts will give you a big advantage over other “Dumpees” who follow the common sense “time-will- heal-all-wounds” breakup survival approach.

You will heal much, much faster and start the healing process simultaneously."

 

 

 

Maybe this might help. Give it a try. Or use a variation of it, but I've seen this rubber band approach used in many different situations.

[LostInTurn]

I'm afraid I've heard this same thing happen on here so many times. Homebrew will tell you all about it. You just got played. She got her emotional high at your expense...She got..........wait for it..........and ego boost directly from emotionally manipulating you into making her feel special. Was'nt that sweet of her to do? Dude, this is where you draw the line and truly man up and drop off the face off the Earth.............oh yeah..............wait for it.................F*CK HER TOO!!!!! So send her a message by sending nothing at all

 

This advice is wonderful. SoCal... I'm sorry you're going through this. From a females perspective... please go NC. Take this advice for yourself. I agree with everything everyone has said on here; however there is a key piece missing. Instead of thinking of this as 'if I go NC and disappear she'll miss me and there's my chance at a second chance' think about this as 'I should go NC for myself and my own happiness'. If you spend too much time thinking of the outcome you want based on your actions, this will not work. Also, I can tell you... from experience, if someone wants to contact you, talk to you or see you enough if you are NC, they absolutely WILL find a way. When people want things enough, they find a way to get it. Read other threads on here about people's persistence to get in contact with someone. Stop thinking about her and start thinking about yourself.

 

Also, from a females perspective... there is NOTHING LESS ATTRACTIVE THAN A MAN WHO IS INSECURE (whether he truly is or it's just emotions) SHE WILL NOT ACKNOWLEDGE YOU HOW SHE WANTS IF YOU KEE ACTING LIKE THIS. So, do yourself a favor, take everyone's advice and go NC and get yourself in some sort of routine to keep your mind busy.

[shawn923]

Also, from a females perspective... there is NOTHING LESS ATTRACTIVE THAN A MAN WHO IS INSECURE (whether he truly is or it's just emotions) SHE WILL NOT ACKNOWLEDGE YOU HOW SHE WANTS IF YOU KEE ACTING LIKE THIS. So, do yourself a favor, take everyone's advice and go NC and get yourself in some sort of routine to keep your mind busy.

 

How exactly? What was he doing to be insecure? And if he keeps acting like what?

[CaliGuy]

Have you read my "Second chance" thread? You need to read it.

[Graceful]

How exactly? What was he doing to be insecure? And if he keeps acting like what?

 

If you want to get the full benefit of SoCal's story, go to the first post in this thread and click on his back story in the original thread he created. He came here in early January. I started posting to him on day one, and I am sorry to say, he's made very little if any progress since that time. Do I like SoCal? Yes, I do. Do I think he's a nice guy? Yes, I think he's a lovely guy and that's why I know he deserves someone nice in return.

 

If you go back and see what SoCal has done over the past 4-5 months, you will see he has made himself a doormat every step of the way, and that his ex is using him. It's a cautionary tale for anyone here to read.

 

She says "jump", he says, "how high" -- and on and on and on. He began dating her when she was still getting over an old BF. She had commitment issues from that. Then after he began dating her, she said she was interested in another guy, so he told her okay, go off and date him. She calls, comes around, disappears, comes back, goes away, then confesses the new guy is an utter juicebag, calls SoCal *again* for support and he's there again, and she still goes back to the juicebag. She never wants to discuss the problems of the relationship, she does not respect SoCal, and she quite obviously does not want to limit her options and is not going to commit to SoCal.

 

And it's not because she is immature, her behavior is clearly pathological at this point, anyone can see it a mile away, and to call it "immaturity" is a grave mistake.

 

So to answer your question about what he's doing that's showing he's insecure: everything. He's catered to her every whim. I suspect at this point it's become somewhat of a bad habit that he can't break, rather than feeling love for her. This isn't love. He's so used to living in this alternate reality he might even consider it normal -- and no, it's not normal.

 

While I think HomeBrew's advice is spot on when there is hope, I do not think there is any hope for SoCal's situation based on his GF being an emotional basket case who needs help, time, space (and lots of it) -- so how long is SoCal going to sit around? There are men on this website who have moved heaven and earth to keep NC after a painful breakup, and will they tell you it's easy? No, they won't. But they've done it because they know they want to walk away with some self-respect, and with that, if the ex has not returned, it has forced them to face the reality that the relationship is over.

 

In any event, read his other thread. That's the only way you can get the full impact.

 

SoCal, I wish you the best, I hope you know that, but I see absolutely no benefit whatsoever in holding onto any hope except that it seems to keep you out of pain. Every day you continue to spend on this relationship, is one day that you could have spent working on moving on and finding someone who is right for you. You have to do what you have to do, but unless you kick this girl off the pedestal you have her on and let go, you're destined to put your life on hold for the foreseeable future. Seems to be what you want. Take care and again, sorry to be harsh, but I prefer to say I am being honest, and see no point in sugar-coating a situation that is crystal clear at this point.

[homebrew]

Great Post Grateful!

 

For those of you reading this thread and want to give yourself the best possible opportunity for a second chance.... I am ASSUMING during the break up that YOU and your EX are both learning, growing, maturing and solving any personal issues that were attributed to the break up itself.

We all have some issues... but If YOU or your EX is not a "healthy" person, any second chance (or another relationship for that matter) is also going to fail.

 

Remember, Hurt People... Hurt People!

 

My situation is different from SoCal's... Me and my Ex didn't break up due to another person or because of the way we were treating one another. We had to break up because she had G.I.G.S (she is 23). Aside from her needing to experience life on her own and growing up, neither one of us have any issues that would prevent us from having a normal and healthy relationship if it is something we both want.

 

Let's break it down:

 

If YOU are "unhealthy" and your EX is "healthy" - You are never going to be able to "fake" it. Your Ex is going to see right through you and they will never give you a second chance.

 

If your EX is "unhealthy" and YOU are "healthy" - You will be with someone that is not WORTHY of you.

 

If YOU and your EX is "unhealthy" - Go ahead and tell all of your friends and family to pick out a good seat and to get their popcorn ready... It's going to a be quite a show! There will be... drama, misery, chaos, heartache, pain, jealousy, lying, cheating, anger, sorrow, etc. and it's not going to end well for either of you!

Edited May 8, 2011 by homebrew

[shawn923]

Oh ok, i was unaware that SoCal had a backstory... It seems that she was using him just to get over whenever the "juicebag" does her wrong. So yes i agree go NC...

 

I just had a quick question. Does it matter how u go NC? For example, i told her to erase my number and i wanted nothing to do with her, and that she blew her last chance at getting me. I didnt call her names though... And this was right after she told me she couldnt leave her current bf to explore her feelings for me. I exited her life on that note, and have yet to contact her in anyway. Although i still wanted her in my life, i knew better with the advice given to me on here, so i "faked" that i didnt want anything to do with her anymore, and have sinced backed it up. So, did i do the right thing by telling her to erase my number?

[LostInTurn]

Oh ok, i was unaware that SoCal had a backstory... It seems that she was using him just to get over whenever the "juicebag" does her wrong. So yes i agree go NC...

 

I just had a quick question. Does it matter how u go NC? For example, i told her to erase my number and i wanted nothing to do with her, and that she blew her last chance at getting me. I didnt call her names though... And this was right after she told me she couldnt leave her current bf to explore her feelings for me. I exited her life on that note, and have yet to contact her in anyway. Although i still wanted her in my life, i knew better with the advice given to me on here, so i "faked" that i didnt want anything to do with her anymore, and have sinced backed it up. So, did i do the right thing by telling her to erase my number?

 

What? She'll do what she wants no matter what you tell her and it doesn't matter how you go NC, NC is NC. Leave it alone!

[homebrew]

So, did i do the right thing by telling her to erase my number?

 

If you SAY you are going NC or not... it doesn't really matter. It's your ACTIONS that is important!

 

Most of the time... Your Ex will agree with you and TELL you they also think NC is what is best for you and for them.

 

However, look at their ACTIONS. Most seem to want to relieve guilt, drop breadcrumbs, stroke their ego or some will generally want to know how you are doing (not wanting to get back together mind you). All of which is good for them, bad for you!

[Graceful]

Thanks, Homebrew. Glad you can see where I am coming from, and not discrediting you in any way at all. Your advice is spot on, but I really like the new disclaimer, and the way you broke it down. I think SoCal and others cling to the idea that if they follow the strict NC, take nothing less than 100 percent, etc., that means they have their dream come true. Not so. If one of the parties (hopefully the ex, not the LS poster) is unhealthy, we have a disaster on our hands, and nothing is going to prevent that.

 

We are in agreement, and I hope you understand why I wanted to speak up one more time. You know, if I didn't like SoCal and feel as strongly as I do that he deserves so much more than this girl has to offer him, I wouldn't care. (I did like your statement that you are spoon feeding SoCal, though, that cracked me up, and made me see that you really like him and want to help him, too!) Keep up the good work, HB.

 

 

Great Post Grateful!

 

For those of you reading this thread and want to give yourself the best possible opportunity for a second chance.... I am ASSUMING during the break up that YOU and your EX are both learning, growing, maturing and solving any personal issues that were attributed to the break up itself.

 

Let's break it down:

 

If YOU are "unhealthy" and your EX is "healthy" - You are never going to be able to "fake" it. Your Ex is going to see right through you and they will never give you a second chance.

If your EX is "unhealthy" and YOU are "healthy" - You will be with someone that is not WORTHY of you.

 

If YOU and your EX is "unhealthy" - Go ahead and tell all of your friends and family to pick out a good seat and to get their popcorn ready... It's going to a be quite a show! There will be... drama, misery, chaos, heartache, pain, jealousy, lying, cheating, anger, sorrow, etc. and it's not going to end well for either of you!

Edited May 8, 2011 by Graceful

[shawn923]

If you SAY you are going NC or not... it doesn't really matter. It's your ACTIONS that is important!

 

Most of the time... Your Ex will agree with you and TELL you they also think NC is what is best for you and for them.

 

However, look at their ACTIONS. Most seem to want to relieve guilt, drop breadcrumbs, stroke their ego or some will generally want to know how you are doing (not wanting to get back together mind you). All of which is good for them, bad for you!

 

K, thanks. I just needed to clear my conscience about that. I follow thru with my actions with NC very well I think. I am approaching week 2, after breaking NC because she dropped breadcrumbs to stroke her ego and have me reveal that i miss her... Oh well. I plan to go at least a month strict NC. And see where my head is at. But thanks for letting me know that it doesnt matter what i said or not... Actions speak louder than words.

[SoCal_Guy]

Wow, I went away for a long weekend (from everything, including technology) and obviously missed out on a lot.

 

I don't have many updates except I did something that will probably want to make Graceful and homebrew wring my neck. I mailed her a birthday card - don't hate me. It was a very friendly type of card and I wrote nothing on it except that I hope she has a good birthday and enjoys spending some time with her family. Nothing emotional or personal or relationship related in there. Her birthday was Sunday and I received a text message on Monday thanking me for the card and that she loved it and it made her tear up a little bit. I know her and this is genuine, not her seeing if her crying a bit over reading the card would get a reaction from me that she's seeking. I didn't reply and I never replied to her text message from last week either. It does weigh on my mind — a LOT — but I'm slowly learning how where the strength to not contact her comes from.

 

So, once I get through today, I will have gone one week without contacting her, outside of the card. I'm not trying to count the days, but this is a milestone. The only reason I mailed the card to her is because that's the kind of person I am. I went back and forth on this, and the guilt I would have felt if I didn't mail it or send her a happy birthday text/email outweighed anything from this. I just couldn't ignore it - that's just not who I am. It's over and done with and I'm still feeling better with each passing day, although I miss her greatly … well, I miss the person who loved me, respected me and wanted to spend time with me.

 

I do need to clarify a few things that I believe have been misinterpreted about my story on here by a few readers of this thread, but I will get to that tonight after work.

[homebrew]

SoCal,

 

Listen to what I am about to say... You and most people here on LS seem to forget this one little minor detail...

 

If your Ex wanted to be with you, SHE WOULD!

Is she choosing to be with you? No!

 

So why would you send her a Birthday Card?

 

Not a very good idea...

 

You communicated the following message(s) with the Birthday Card you mailed her:

 

1. I believe that I am not good enough or worthy of you.

So let me try to make myself better in your eyes by sending you a card with the hope that it will elevate me in your eyes.

 

2. You can have your cake and eat it too.

 

Even though you do not choose to be with me, I am still eager to care, be generous, give you my attention, my thoughtfulness, gifts, etc.

 

You want you to have your cake and eat it too... Please allow me, let me feed it to you.

 

3. I don't care about myself, what I want, what I say, what is best for me or what I need... so you shouldn't you.

 

Since I do not have enough care about or have enough self-respect for myself, what I want, what I say, what is best for me or what I need... why should you?

 

4. I want to continue to encourage you to be in a relationship with another man.

 

The fact that you are in a relationship with another man is perfectly okay with me. That doesn't bother me in the least. In fact, as you can tell by receiving my card, I want to continue to encourage it.

5. I am not to be trusted.

 

All that NC talk that I told you a while back... Go ahead and ignore it since I am. Even though it is what is best for me (and you)... I am ignoring it, so you can too!

 

I could go on... but I think you get the point.

 

Are the messages I listed above what you wanted / want to communicate to your Ex?

 

Let's use my situation as another example for you...

 

Why me and my Ex are not together:

 

1. She has G.I.G.S.

2. Associates and spends a majority of her time with people that are bad influences on her

3. Partying Lifestyle

4. Couple of other minor things but are related to 1, 2 and 3.

 

As long as those OBSTACLES are in place, I've got NOTHING FOR HER!

 

I am not mad or angry at her, I have not right to be. We just want to different things.

 

When I was her age, I didn't want to be in a serious relationship myself. So I "get" and understand where she is at.

 

That still doesn't change the fact that I can't be with her. So there is no need or reason for me to prove myself to her, convince her to stop partying, tell her she is being foolish, try and make myself look better, be a friend, be a shoulder to cry on, be a voice of reason, be nice, be supportive, etc.

 

If she wants to be with me, she will choose to be with me and remove all the obstacles that would be in the way.

 

In my situation, I am in very limited contact with my Ex... Let's see what messages I want to communicate:

 

When I get a "A Miss You" text from her I either respond in one of two ways....

 

1. I do not respond at all (which is a 95% of the time).

2. I simply say "I know"

 

What message that communicates to her is this...

 

1. Confidence.

2. I want what I want and anything less will not do.

3. I am not your friend and will not be friendzoned.

4. My boundaries are not moving.

5. I am not pinning away for you.

6. Nonchalance.

7. I'm fine.

8. Etc.

 

My Ex is not in a relationship with anyone else, if that were the case, I wouldn't respond to her at all.

 

I also never initiate contact with her, ever. When she does contact me, 95% of the time I do not respond to her. When I do respond, it is short, confident and nonchalance answer or comment like the one above.

 

I hope this helps you and the others reading this thread.

 

Good luck to you all,

 

Homebrew

Edited May 10, 2011 by homebrew