jlwelch Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 I know this is lengthy, but I wanted to talk about this anonymously and get advice based on where my life is at right now. I spent most of my high school years in an all boys boarding school which I feel had somewhat retarded my social skills back when I was an undergraduate in college. I have been raised in a very conservative, success oriented way and that mentality carried over with me into college. My grades and achievements were high but I would turn down party invites and a prominent fraternity membership offer in order to focus on my studies since that's how I had been raised. As a result, I reeeeally did not get out too much at all, and when I did I was mostly quiet and reserved. It wasn't until I got to graduate school though that I started to explore the bar/club scene. During my time in college/graduate school I had meet girls who would approach me smiling and a couple that spoke openly about sex around me (one even bluntly offered while at her place), but due to my lack of social skills (and overall shy, loner thing I had going on) I never went forward on those opportunities. Worse, I had always been afraid of being intimate with someone as I am not circumcised and know that for many women that is a bad thing (I intend to have that corrected when I get a job). I've begun correcting all this by going dancing at clubs here on campus, confidently approaching people for conversation just for the practice of it, and hanging out with friends out here. However, since I've finished my master's in chemistry... I am now job searching and may not even be here in a month so no point in pursuing any relationships until I'm settled somewhere and cut. The reason I'm going into all this is because I have turned 25 years old and it has suddenly dawned on me that at this age I am still a virgin and have never had a girlfriend. I am not ugly or anything (pic in link below), I usually get high marks on "hotornot", but the fact remains I've never really had anyone/anything special and at 25 I'm starting to feel old. http://s1184.photobucket.com/albums/z340/Jesse_Welch/?action=view¤t=MeWithoutGlasses.jpg&newest=1 There were a number of things that precipitated this problem for me. The graduate students I used to work with would frequently talk of their sexual experiences (or relationships as was the case with the women). I live in an apartment just across the street from a fraternity that frequently parties and I see couples or hookups going on rather frequently. My younger brother has recently landed himself an amazingly cute girlfriend of his own and he is 22. I guess all these things have started to bring these feelings to the surface for me. At this point, I'm not even sure what I want. I've read that the male sexual prime is around 19-25 and declines after the 30's sometime. I don't want to have had minimal sexual experience by the time I start "drying out" though I'm not sure I want to have meaningless sex either. I just really ******* hate seeing all these couples together on campus and wished I could go back in time and live everything differently. I'm feeling profoundly sad and despite eating nothing but a bowl of cereal a day for the last week I'm not even hungry. I'm wide awake after 4 hours of sleep/night and I simply cannot focus on anything but this. What the hell is wrong with me?!??!
BiscuitXOXO Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 Due to my lack of social skills (and overall shy, loner thing I had going on) I never went forward on those opportunities. Worse, I had always been afraid of being intimate with someone as I am not circumcised and know that for many women that is a bad thing (I intend to have that corrected when I get a job). I've begun correcting all this by going dancing at clubs here on campus, confidently approaching people for conversation just for the practice of it, and hanging out with friends out here. Most women don't care if a man is circumcised or not. It would be a different experience for many, but a penis is a penis . It seems like you are on a good track. However, since I've finished my master's in chemistry... I am now job searching and may not even be here in a month so no point in pursuing any relationships until I'm settled somewhere and cut. At this point, I'm not even sure what I want. Oook...well, figure out what you want or wait until you settle down. I wish I could go back in time and live everything differently. I'm feeling profoundly sad and despite eating nothing but a bowl of cereal a day for the last week I'm not even hungry. I'm wide awake after 4 hours of sleep/night and I simply cannot focus on anything but this. What the hell is wrong with me?!??! You're depressed T_T. Some stuff to do. Make yourself do it, even if you don't want to: Go out and exercise for an hour, then come back,Shower, and eat a nice healthy meal. Maybe take a nap.Then either contact Mental Health Services (most universities have one) orSit down and write two lists: one of what you have and one of what you want. Then figure out how to use what you have to get what you want.
Kelemort Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 There's nothing wrong with you. At 25, it's somewhat unusual that you've never dated, but there are plenty of reasons to do with that. And it's not because you're ugly or something. My God, I've seen some genuine trolls who land woman after woman. Looks play a role, but they're not all. You're obviously depressed - so you need to force yourself to eat a balanced diet, go to the gym and work out, call some friends to talk or hang out, get involved in some of your favorite hobbies (watching movies, playing sports, a favorite video game, going dancing, etc.). You may be job hunting and moving soon, but you aren't right now. Go and talk to some girls. I have a friend who is 46 and he has been single for 15 years. One day, he went on this big, long rant about how he hadn't met a woman. He had joined astronomy clubs, ballroom dancing groups, yoga classes, etc., EVERYTHING He could think of to meet women. At the end of this diatribe, I asked, "So you were in the same place as they were. Did you talk to any of them?" You can guess the answer. You have to put yourself out there. I'm going to assume you're probably a passive guy, and that's probably why you've ended up without a girlfriend at 25 - not because you're unattractive (you're cute, imh, non-virgin, 23-year-old opinion). So, I think it's a good idea you check in with the mental health services department at your school to see if there's something they can help you with. It could be beneficial to get into therapy that might help you figure out how to approach women more, or how to get over your lack of self confidence. So say you walk up to a girl and start talking to her. Say nothing comes of it. Big whoop, right? You didn't even know her before, so it's not like if she walks off it's the end of the world. Do you have any female friends, OP? If not, I'm sure some of your male friends have girlfriends and the like. Why not go out in a group outing and talk to some of their girlfriends? This might help with anxiety with women because they're 'taken,' so it's not like it's going to be perceived as a sexual advance. That's what I would do if I were you. Age is nothin' but a number, and we all get to different stages of our lives at a different time. There's nothing shameful about being a virgin at 25. You just haven't yet had your opportunity. Best of luck to you.
NXS Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 Sounds like you've been really focused on completing your education and putting your feelings/urges on the backburner in order to attain this, which has taken a lot of self-discipline and hard work. Now that you're almost finished, all those feelings/urges are coming to the surface and overwhelming you. My suggestion would be to go a bit wild for the next couple of weeks and blow off some steam. Go to parties, have a few drinks and make the most of your remaining month. Don't put it off any longer.
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