Internal Relapse

[FightClub]

Waking up this morning I had a very strange dream involving my xMW, it was as if in the dream we were communicating again online ( which is how we first met ) but now she was a different person with the same first name and different last name.

 

What was unusual to me was that it felt significant and scary knowing that I know who this person is and our past, why would she have to be the same person with a different face, personality life and feeling exactly like it did seven months ago? It was just weird.

 

So after thinking about it, the memories came through, the emotions flared up and I just think back to how I felt when she was gone, when it was over, realizing that in the 'heat' of it all, the fire blew out fast. I just want to continue to move past that point in my life now.

 

I don't know, it just scares me looking back at everything that's happened in the seven months post EA/PA. I'm making great strides in going back to College, working on my own private business and meeting new people.

 

Part of me just wants to break down and yell into the air with anger and then there are parts of me that accept and understand everything's place & time in this life sometimes, even though it feels unfair I know it was the right thing when it ended.

 

Craziness I tell you, craziness.

 

-FC

Edited April 28, 2011 by FightClub

[East7]

Part of me just wants to break down and yell into the air with anger and then there are parts of me that accept and understand everything's place & time in this life sometimes, even though it feels unfair I know it was the right thing when it ended.

 

-FC

 

That's a good sign, it means that you have accepted the reality and it is the last stage of the healing process.

 

Good luck FC ! I remember warning you so bad some months ago.. Now with hindsight I think we can never convice someone to quit an A unless he reaches by himself the "i'm-done" point.

[Owl]

It depends on the person, East.

 

Some are "almost ready"...they've been hearing the little voices in their head...but they've been fighting to ignore them until they start hearing others on the outside chiming in with the same exact message.

 

Some people do get to that point more quickly once they start getting advice that helps "open their eyes"...others get there in their own time...still others might not ever arrive.

 

FC, it was a dream. Don't give it any more significance than that, my friend. It's your subconsciousness processing what you've been through.

 

It's got no true bearing on outside reality at this point.

[abcheck12]

Analysis of internal tandem duplications of FLT3 (FLT3/ITD) was performed on bone marrow samples obtained at diagnosis and relapse from 108 adult patients with de novo acute myeloid leukemia (AML) to determine the role of this mutation in leukemic relapse. Analysis of internal tandem duplications of (/ITD) was performed on bone marrow samples obtained at diagnosis and relapse from 108 adult patients with de novo acute myeloid leukemia (AML) to determine the role of this mutation in leukemic relapse. Eighty-three patients had wild-type FLT3 at both diagnosis and relapse, 16 had FLT3/ITD at both stages, whereas 8 had acquired the mutation and 1 had lost it at relapse. Using Genescan analysis, we found that /ITD levels at first relapse were significantly higher than those at diagnosis (mean +/- SE, 40.5% +/- 4.8% versus 17.9% +/- 3.6%, P <.001). The increase in mutation levels at relapse as compared with diagnosis did not correlate with the difference in blast cell percentages at both stages (P =.777).

[JadedAmore]

It depends on the person, East.

 

Some are "almost ready"...they've been hearing the little voices in their head...but they've been fighting to ignore them until they start hearing others on the outside chiming in with the same exact message.

 

Some people do get to that point more quickly once they start getting advice that helps "open their eyes"...others get there in their own time...still others might not ever arrive.

 

FC, it was a dream. Don't give it any more significance than that, my friend. It's your subconsciousness processing what you've been through.

 

It's got no true bearing on outside reality at this point.

 

I have to agree with the entire statement, but especially with the bolded. While still involved with xMM, I went out with friends for a weekend while he was away and met someone, and we went out for breakfast in the wee hours of the morning and chatted. Nothing came of this person, it was just a night of friendship and talking, but in those 4 or so hours it really hit me hard that when he probed about my R with xMM he cut me off at one point to tell me "This person is a poison, and he is sucking the life out of you. You need to get away." It occurred to me that if a complete stranger who barely knew me was telling me the exact same thing friends were telling me, it was time to walk away.

 

The following Monday I broke things off, and haven't looked back since.

 

As for the OP's dream, it could definitely be a sign of closure. Not long ago I had a dream about xMM, but instead of the longing and heartache I feared I would feel, it was more indifference than anything.

 

There is definitely better out there, and who knows.. it could smack you in the face when you least expect it. Good luck!

[jackmark]

Analysis of internal tandem duplications of /ITD) was performed on bone marrow samples obtained at diagnosis and relapse from 108 adult patients with de novo acute myeloid leukemia (AML) to determine the role of this mutation in leukemic relapse. Eighty-three patients had wild-type FLT3 at both diagnosis and relapse, 16 had FLT3/ITD at both stages, whereas 8 had acquired the mutation and 1 had lost it at relapse. Using Genescan analysis, we found that ITD levels at first relapse were significantly higher than those at diagnosis (mean +/- SE, 40.5% +/- 4.8% versus 17.9% +/- 3.6%, P <.001). The increase in mutation levels at relapse as compared with diagnosis did not correlate with the difference in blast cell percentages at both stages (P =.777). A hemizygous deletion of wild-type FLT3 was found in 4 patients at relapse compared to none at diagnosis. Nine of the 11 patients carrying a single mutation at diagnosis relapsed with an identical mutation. All 6 patients with more than one FLT3/ITD mutation at diagnosis showed changes in mutation patterns and levels at first relapse; however, each patient retained at least one mutation in the relapse sample. The changes of mutation patterns had implications for the monitoring of minimal residual disease. Our results suggest that /ITD may contribute as the initial transforming event in AML, and relapse can reflect the selection and outgrowth of a mutant clone or evolution of a new clone harboring this mutation.

[fascinated]

When it comes to dream interpretation, it usually matters most how you felt towards the the object/person in your dream. That's the subconscious issue. Were your feelings the same? Do you think your dream could be telling you that you have only moved on in your head, that you would be vulnerable to the same situation with someone else?

[FightClub]

Fascinated - Interesting question, looking back at it, I don't think my feelings were the same as much as they were indifferent to her, it felt more like she was back but pretending or disguised as someone else in order to continue or start from scratch where we began.

 

Upon recognizing this in my dream I abruptly broke away almost like I could see through the disguise and was just aware that this wasn't what I wanted and woke up.

 

Could very well have been a dream about closure, moving on and being aware of not just my previous situation but about any MW that may try to initiate something in the future - The bottom line is know I will not be a part of that ever again, because I respect myself and my new found boundaries.

 

-FC