JasonRules' "The Rules" - An 11 point guide to NC and getting over your ex

[JasonRules]

1. Defriend them from Facebook right this instant

 

2. Write their phone number on a piece of paper and put it somewhere in your room, then delete their phone number from your mobile

 

3. Save their photos of her from your phone and then delete those as well

 

4. Take down any pictures of them or the two of you together from your room/apartment/home and store those away somewhere

 

5. Stop asking about them to any common friends you might have

 

6. Tell your friends to NOT tell you anything about them anymore in terms of what they are doing (IGNORANCE IS BLISS!!!)

 

During the first phase of NC you will feel sad and suffer withdrawal so you will need to counter this by filling up your week with activities so you don't go home and sulk. This is what you'll need to do.

 

7. Start making plans to hang out with your friends more often (at least 2-3 times per week)

 

8. Sign up at a gym and immediately after work go the gym and release all the tension and stress you have by working out for 2 hours. This way, by the time you get home you feel relaxed from all the endorphins released in your brain. You need to go at the very least 5 days a week (if not everyday)

 

9. If you feel like talking to someone call a friend or alternatively you can post here

 

10. Do not, I repeat, do not under any circumstances contact your ex for any reason (getting stuff back, wishing them happy b-day, holidays etc)

 

11. Avoid at all costs all the places where she hangs out at (cafes, restaurants, clubs etc)

 

You have to stick with this action plan and follow it religiously. If you break NC you will go back to feeling crappy again. If you stick to this, the first 2-3 weeks will be tough, but eventually you will start feeling better.

 

By weeks 6-8 you will start getting back to normal.

[justagirrl]

you sound like you know a lot about this...

 

can you read my post from yesterday "shorter version" or if you have time "he's too busy for a relationship right now.."? I just started NC again today...I broke it last night we talked a little and before i ended the convo i said "maybe if you're not too busy this weekend, we can do something. goodnight." and he said "we'll do stuff when i graduate!! sleep well." he's graduating college in a week...im just stuck here...his b-day is may 5th. I wanna keep NC but I feel like he will get mad because he knows I know when his birthday is.. =/

[ilovedhim]

I would also add block to point #1 especially if you mutual friends.

[loverboy1984]

Ive done all that. Im approaching week 7 and feeling closer to normal. The only times when I think about it is when Im alone somewhere or not doing anything. So the key is to keep your mind and body busy. This will get your confidence back and your strength. So if you do talk to you ex ( when and if they call you) you will be in a carefree state of mind and the power is with you. You will look, and feel more attractive and worry less about the outcome.

 

These steps listed all seem logical but often times not implemented because we think with our hearts and emotions instead of our heads. Think with your head and your heart will follow.

 

Good work Jason.

[JasonRules]

During the initial stages it is important to grieve and NORMAL to feel sad. Do not try to supress these feelings. If you feel like crying, then cry. If you feel like opening your heart to friends, family, or loved ones then do it.

 

It is best to grieve in the beginning of the process so as to get it out of the way and FOCUS ON YOUR LIFE.

[fetish]

how long have you been separted from your girl again JR?

 

When my girl and i broke up in Feb, it was actually reading one of your posts that helped me. You were saying how you worked out 2 hrs a day and stuff. In the beginning, during my darkest days, i spend 2 hours a day in the gym, just to keep from going home to my empty apartment we once both shared. As time moved on, I had to cut my time at the gym to an hour a day and make room for time for other things like my music, writing, and other self improvement.

 

I'm doing much better although i still have my days i slide back. I guess i sometimes think about who my ex was rather than who she is now.

[Good Arms]

It's all good advice Jason, but I do object to the "By weeks 6-8 you will start getting back to normal". I'd say there's no defined timeline to this, everyone is different in how long they take to recover, and it's pointless pulling a figure out of thin air to suggest when people should be feeling better.

 

But I certainly agree with all the rules, especially #8... I know exercise makes me feel better, if only finding the motivation to get up and do it regularly was easier...

[JasonRules]

how long have you been separted from your girl again JR?

 

When my girl and i broke up in Feb, it was actually reading one of your posts that helped me. You were saying how you worked out 2 hrs a day and stuff. In the beginning, during my darkest days, i spend 2 hours a day in the gym, just to keep from going home to my empty apartment we once both shared. As time moved on, I had to cut my time at the gym to an hour a day and make room for time for other things like my music, writing, and other self improvement.

 

I'm doing much better although i still have my days i slide back. I guess i sometimes think about who my ex was rather than who she is now.

 

 

The last time I saw her was March 11th when she stopped by for 40 minutes and brought me some soup and medicine because I wasn't feeling well. After she left she called me two times driving back to her place. We talked for 10 minutes and then 1 hour and 15 minutes. We have not spoken to each other since then. Her birthday was March 28th, but I maintained strict NC. Easter was last week and I did not wish her a Happy Easter either. I have basically vanished from the face of the Earth.

 

I cannot say that I'm at 100%, but I'm definitely 90+% ok, compared to how I was 6 weeks ago. I have kept to NC and have followed my guidelines to the letter. I have focused on myself and my own needs. I'm still hitting the gym 2 hours almost everyday and I've gotten used to it by now, so much so I don't want to stop. In fact, one of the side effects is that my body has become ripped and the ladies are starting to notice. This is a great confidence booster and it definitely helps.

 

I understand that sometimes you miss the great moments you had with your ex. I miss them as well, but you have to remember that this person doesn't exist anymore. The person they are now, has nothing to do with the person they used to be when they were with us.

 

In any case, maintaining strict NC is for your own mental and physical well-being. Aside from this, I refuse to allow what is in essense an immature girl, to derail my life and make me fall into depression. I prefer to take a cocky approach to all of this as well. The way I see it is this; I treated her with kindness, respect, and all the things a woman ever dreams of in a man. I was taken for granted though and what I brought to the table was not appreciated. Ultimately, it's her loss not mine. I know that one day she will be kicking herself in the ass full of regret, just like all my exes did (they all came back at one point or another). The bottom line is this; I can find many women like her, but she will never find another man like me.

 

Keep your heads high and move along. Life is waiting for us...let us not miss it.

[loverboy1984]

Amen to that

[Fufu]

Jason Bravo post.

 

I did all this and I'm feeling so great and empowered now

[peezey]

The way I see it is this; I treated her with kindness, respect, and all the things a woman ever dreams of in a man. I was taken for granted though and what I brought to the table was not appreciated. Ultimately, it's her loss not mine. I know that one day she will be kicking herself in the ass full of regret, just like all my exes did (they all came back at one point or another). The bottom line is this; I can find many women like her, but she will never find another man like me.

 

Keep your heads high and move along. Life is waiting for us...let us not miss it.

 

Awesome way to look at it. It makes much more sense when someone else says it. I have this printed at my office and at home. I'll look at it and repeat it every time i feel like breaking NC. Thanks Jason.

[purplepanda]

But I certainly agree with all the rules, especially #8... I know exercise makes me feel better, if only finding the motivation to get up and do it regularly was easier...

 

An ex and I broke up in April, then all summer long I was depressed... I wrote him hundreds of letters I never sent and kept them in a box. But I worked out several times a week, then lost 12 pounds and you know what!! i turned his head when I saw him in October!

Never said a word to him...just walked right on by, acted as if he wasn't there, except for the 2-second eye contact we shared. That was my way of saying, "You can't beat this". XD

[JasonRules]

This was a good post, thanks. It's been 7 months NC for me since he broke up with me, and while I can say I'm such happier and less stressed, more myself, don't want him or have any feeling for him but resentment...I still feel like I was played and am hurt whenever I think about it...you'd think I wouldn't be at the 7 month mark by now...am I hopeless?

 

 

Coexist,

 

I will tell you a story; one time there was a woman who wanted to get from point A to point B. It was spring and all the trees and flowers were in full bloom, but point B was far so she thought to wait at the bus stop and grab the bus. The bus was usually on time, but for some reason it was late this time around. The woman looked at her watch and kept waiting. She waited, and waited, and waited, but still no bus. As time went on and the bus never showed up, she got angry because she felt the bus driver had "played" her and she waited there for nothing.

 

The woman is now presented with two choices; she can wait for the bus indefinitely and continue to be angry OR she can start walking slowly towards point B, forget about the bus, and instead enjoy her walk while taking in the scenery. Eventually, another bus will come along. Maybe not in the next 5 minutes or even the next hour, but eventually another one will come along...

[TaraMaiden]

.....

 

2. Write their phone number on a piece of paper and put it somewhere in your room, then delete their phone number from your mobile

 

3. Save their photos of her from your phone and then delete those as well....

if you're going to save them, you might as well not bother deleting, or removing anything.

The whole point of making these things extremely difficult to access, is to not have them to hand at the drop of a hat.

If you really need to contact them, you will be able to. Somehow.

But to keep things all the while 'deleting' them from your 'phone is frankly an entirely pointless exercise.....

 

4. Take down any pictures of them or the two of you together from your room/apartment/home and store those away somewhere

..... Preferably on a bonfire, or a shredder....

I was married for 26 years. I'm honestly having difficulty remembering what my ex looks like. Hoorah!!

I kept nothing. Absolutely nothing. And I don't regret it for an instant.

 

 

8. Sign up at a gym and immediately after work go the gym and release all the tension and stress you have by working out for 2 hours. This way, by the time you get home you feel relaxed from all the endorphins released in your brain. You need to go at the very least 5 days a week (if not everyday)

For some folks this is financially impossible. I know I certainly could not afford to go to a gym once a month, let alone 5 days a week!

 

 

By weeks 6-8 you will start getting back to normal.

That is, of course, if you're really, really lucky.

For many, it takes a lot longer, and the recovery time is an indeterminate unknown.

6 - 8 weeks is a conservative random time-frame.

And why is the post written mainly about the Ex GF?

[JasonRules]

if you're going to save them, you might as well not bother deleting, or removing anything.

The whole point of making these things extremely difficult to access, is to not have them to hand at the drop of a hat.

If you really need to contact them, you will be able to. Somehow.

But to keep things all the while 'deleting' them from your 'phone is frankly an entirely pointless exercise.....

 

..... Preferably on a bonfire, or a shredder....

I was married for 26 years. I'm honestly having difficulty remembering what my ex looks like. Hoorah!!

I kept nothing. Absolutely nothing. And I don't regret it for an instant.

 

 

 

For some folks this is financially impossible. I know I certainly could not afford to go to a gym once a month, let alone 5 days a week!

 

 

 

That is, of course, if you're really, really lucky.

For many, it takes a lot longer, and the recovery time is an indeterminate unknown.

6 - 8 weeks is a conservative random time-frame.

And why is the post written mainly about the Ex GF?

 

 

Tara,

 

 

Personally, am against destroying photographs. Photos are simply moments of your life captured in time. They are part of your history and simply a visual journal of your life. I don't want to destroy photos. I want to have as many photos as possible so that one day my children and grandchildren can see these. Whether you choose to destroy them is a personal choice. The point about hiding them away is so they are not readily accessible to you. By keeping photos on your mobile you can always click a few buttons and be reminded of the ex, but if I have photos stored on an external hard drive and that's in storage or a box in my closet I can't access these readily.

 

 

As for the gym; yes for some this may be difficult financially, but you can always go out for a daily walk, run, jog, ride a bicycle, garden, do pushups or exercises in your home and a myriad of other things to keep you preoccupied. The point is to do something (anything really) to trigger those endorphins in your brain which actually make you feel good.

 

 

As for the healing period obviously that depends on the circumstances and the person, but I believe a person with a good dose of confidence and self-esteem will start feeling better (ie. not crying, depressed, or down) within 2 months. For some this may take longer, while others may have fallen into depression. If depression has ensued then they'll need to see a therapist.

 

The post was not written about my ex gf. The post are the steps I took which helped me get through a difficult time. It's a general guide; whether someone chooses to follow these guidelines or not is their personal choice.

[confused1989]

Jason, that is a great guide. I am proud to say that I have followed all of the points you have listed there.

 

I am at week 5 (I think) of NC and I hope something kicks in soon and gets me in the frame of mind that you're in. I followed your threads and you are way ahead of me and you are where I want to be.

 

I wish something would kick in and help me over this hump. I have tried to follow all of the advice that I have been given but I am still hung up on stupid things. I know she is no good for me, and anytime I think of her now I am enraged with anger knowing that she is having the time of her life on the trip we were supposed to be on together.

 

She said I was in her future plans and she called me ideal told me she loved my personality loved my looks etc. although I can name instances where she also said the exact opposite and criticized me more than anyone else ever has.

 

I am big time stuck. She is desirable to many other people and this is holding me back greatly, knowing that she's something I can't have and that I wasn't good enough for her and knowing that she will get a ton of attention from others.

 

I know that she has flaws but apparently nobody sees them besides me, I'm the only person she treated like dirt.

 

My question is do you think maybe my situation will take longer than the 6-8 weeks to get over? I am being impatient with myself and just hoping everyday that I wake up and she's not in my head anymore. She makes me angry and frustrated and I do not really have pleasant feelings for her anymore. But the fact that she's desirable to others drives me nuts.

[JasonRules]

Jason, that is a great guide. I am proud to say that I have followed all of the points you have listed there.

 

I am at week 5 (I think) of NC and I hope something kicks in soon and gets me in the frame of mind that you're in. I followed your threads and you are way ahead of me and you are where I want to be.

 

I wish something would kick in and help me over this hump. I have tried to follow all of the advice that I have been given but I am still hung up on stupid things. I know she is no good for me, and anytime I think of her now I am enraged with anger knowing that she is having the time of her life on the trip we were supposed to be on together.

 

She said I was in her future plans and she called me ideal told me she loved my personality loved my looks etc. although I can name instances where she also said the exact opposite and criticized me more than anyone else ever has.

 

I am big time stuck. She is desirable to many other people and this is holding me back greatly, knowing that she's something I can't have and that I wasn't good enough for her and knowing that she will get a ton of attention from others.

 

I know that she has flaws but apparently nobody sees them besides me, I'm the only person she treated like dirt.

 

My question is do you think maybe my situation will take longer than the 6-8 weeks to get over? I am being impatient with myself and just hoping everyday that I wake up and she's not in my head anymore. She makes me angry and frustrated and I do not really have pleasant feelings for her anymore. But the fact that she's desirable to others drives me nuts.

 

 

Confused,

 

 

I think the problem you're having is that your EGO cannot accept that she is no longer with you. You yourself tell me that you know she is bad for you. Also, you inform me that she has flaws, but the fact that she is desirable to others is driving you crazy.

 

You mention things she said to you that you seem to keep replaying in your head over and over and this is driving you crazy, but let me ask you. What value do you place on words?

 

For example, if I told you "Tonight, I'll give you 1 million dollars", would you get excited? Yes, you would. Why? Because you would have no reason not to believe me. However, what if "tonight" came along and I never gave you what I said I would. What would you think of me? You would think me an unreliable fool, no?

 

You need to stop recycling her words in your brain and trying to make sense of it all. You will remain stuck in the mud with your wheels, spinning. In fact, I don't even want you analyzing her actions right now. What you need to do is keep yourself so preoccupied with things that you inadvertently stop thinking about her. Keep doing this and eventually it becomes habit.

 

Remember that APATHY IS YOUR FRIEND. Anything emotional whether its love, obsession, or hate means that you're still too vested in your ex. You need to strive for apathy.

 

Another thing which I have found useful is that I have stopped talking excessively about my ex and the circumstances of my breakup.

 

Concluding, you simply need to continue your efforts to get better and be your normal happy self again. Remember those days? That's what you should be striving for. The SUN WILL SHINE AGAIN...

[SleeplessRomantic]

Jason, your post should be stickied. It was excellent. Thanks!

[JasonRules]

I'm not waiting for anything. God no. I cut him off seven months ago and have not gone back, and never will. Since then, I've found a good job, am finishing up my associates, will be transferring next year for my bachelors, will join a gym, am saving up for study abroad in Australia, and have met so many people just by working, alone. I've found that I've opened up more, and while the break up did make me less confident, at the same time, I am becoming more confident at the same time (not as shy and meeting new people), I have noticed many people have come up to me and talk to me and stuff, whereas before I was the quiet shy girl that no one really noticed. I feel I am becoming a new person, I have goals and I am optimistic of my future.

 

Can I be a little angry and hurt whenever I think about how he ****ed me over and blamed me for things that was his fault? I think I can. I was always over who I thought he was, but I am not over the fight...the break-up itself. He got away with it because I allowed him to blame me, and I looked pathetic all the while throwing him on a pedestal. After I had time to think about it, and realized how much he screwed me, instead of confronting him, I ended contact. And now, want so bad to finish the unresolved break-up. Am I wrong for that? Is there something I'm not realizing?

 

 

I'm sure you have good reasons for being angry and wanting some type of closure, but look at your first paragraph and look at your second paragraph. In the first paragraph I see a woman who is confident, happy, vivacious, focused, with direction in her life, and full of possibilities. These qualities alone make you attractive and a great catch.

 

In the second paragraph I feel toxicity, negativity, anger, and other feelings. But, let's assume that you managed to get him in a room and have your say. How do you think he would react? Do you think he would ask for forgiveness? Do you think he would even care how you felt?

 

I think you have to release all these feelings and bury them in the past. Ultimately, this person will not matter in the grand scheme of things when it comes to your life. What you need to do is take up all that pent up energy which is focused and directed towards your ex and redirect that energy towards you in a good way so that you may accomplish something even more great that you're already doing.

 

It's a question of attitude; my life can be half empty or my life can be half full. Its obvious you have learned many things from your previous relationship. Take the lessons learned, never forget the past, and move forward with full speed. Forget about the past; it's done, gone forever. We cannot change what happened. Look ahead of you and you will see that your life, your dreams are much bigger than this ex could ever be.

[fetish]

This is some good advice you're giving here Jason.

 

It's funny you mention the past and letting go. That's what i'm struggling with right now as i'm trying to let go of my 8 year relationship. It's like i do well but then something reminds me back when things were great, i get sad and set back.

 

My ex became out of control. She was bad with money. For at least the last 3 years, i would watch her complain as she overdrafted her account multiple times and then on top of that, she was a problem gambler. She wanted all these nice things like a nice wedding for us, nice house, but wouldn't save a dime towards getting it. She spent every nickel she had.

 

Then she got the hothead in February when i told her either to get control of the gambling or we're done. She ended up moving out and later said, "You didn't even TRY to stop me from leaving, you just let me leave!" I told her i was done begging.

 

It's like i know she's bad for me in every way, but i still miss her companionship and the GOOD times we had. When things were good, she was warm, loving, and friendly. That's what my heart is choosing to remember right now and its f***ng with me mentally.

[JasonRules]

This is some good advice you're giving here Jason.

 

It's funny you mention the past and letting go. That's what i'm struggling with right now as i'm trying to let go of my 8 year relationship. It's like i do well but then something reminds me back when things were great, i get sad and set back.

 

My ex became out of control. She was bad with money. For at least the last 3 years, i would watch her complain as she overdrafted her account multiple times and then on top of that, she was a problem gambler. She wanted all these nice things like a nice wedding for us, nice house, but wouldn't save a dime towards getting it. She spent every nickel she had.

 

Then she got the hothead in February when i told her either to get control of the gambling or we're done. She ended up moving out and later said, "You didn't even TRY to stop me from leaving, you just let me leave!" I told her i was done begging.

 

It's like i know she's bad for me in every way, but i still miss her companionship and the GOOD times we had. When things were good, she was warm, loving, and friendly. That's what my heart is choosing to remember right now and its f***ng with me mentally.

 

 

 

We have to remind ourselves that people evolve over time and they are never the same. Remember, a person can drag you down or they can lift you up. Think about that for a moment; if you objectively look at your relationship without any emotion would you say that you were better off with her or without her?

 

A movie may start off good, but it might turn out very bad in the end and we might leave the cinema feeling disappointed because something started out so strong. We have to learn to control our egos and letting go of the past. I think the fact that they left us simply bothers more so our egos than anything else. However, how many of us would have dumped them over the long run because we were dealing with people who were train wrecks?

 

Cars which are constantly breaking down eventually get traded in because we end up spending all our time in the "repair" shop than actually "driving them" (ie living normal lives). We must learn to become emotionally detached and escape the prisons we ourselves are creating mentally which are keeping us from moving forward in our lives and giving someone else an HONEST CHANCE to have a relationship with.