debtman Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 It all started here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3106881 Since then I've started several other threads, that was when I was at my lowest and I thought this was a good time to summarize some of what has recently happened. LOTS has changed since then. Since going 180 and as NC as possible (except for the kids) things have improved dramatically...at least for me. I got back in the house in March, after living with my parents for 4 months and have finally gotten most of my stuff settled and organized. When she moved out into her little rental house (which needs lots of work that she doesn't know how to do and her landlord doesn't want to do), she left LOTS of her stuff at my house, so I've been putting that in garbage bags and leaving it on the front porch for her. She's slowly been coming over and taking it away...very slowly. I'm keeping VERY busy and involved in lots of old hobbies and have started some new ones. I've been kayaking, rock climbing, playing volleyball, kiteboarding and plan to start skydiving again after getting a few more key pieces of gear. I've tried salsa, tango and swing dancing and had been doing a fair bit of snowboarding last winter. And, in each activity, I've found women who keep calling/texting me to get together to do that particular activity. Pretty cool and confidence boosting although, at this point, I'm only interested in activity partners because I'm not ready to get into a relationship yet. Meanwhile, I'm pretty sure my stbx is no longer with OM. I haven't asked specifically (thanks NC/LC) and she hasn't told me, but I don't see his car around anymore at drop-off/pick-up and his name hasn't come up in several weeks. She spends her time in her new house, doesn't have any local friends to do things with, doesn't go out to meet new people or try new things and must be pretty lonely. She threw all her eggs in one basket, left a 10 year relationship for something new and exciting that ended up fizzling out quickly. The kids are doing great. I see them 2 nights/week and at least every other weekend and talk to them every day that I don't see them. It's not as much as I'd like to see them, but the time we have is ALL about us and it's great. Hopefully, once my son starts school (one more year) we can work something out where we split time evenly. The biggest issue right now is just trying to keep up with the mortgage, child support, all the bills and my debt payment (now down to $10k). Only one more year of that and then I'll be debt free and, hopefully, a few months after that, I won't have to pay as much child support because we'll be splitting time evenly. My only emotional "downs" at this point come from not having the kids around all the time, but I'm keeping busy, filling that time, eating healthy, working out, doing good things for myself and re-establishing the positive, confident person I was before I got married. I've gotten AMAZING support and advice from people on LS and I want to thank everyone. I try to stay active on here and help out and offer advice whenever I can. So, to anyone out there just starting this craziness, know this... You are in a TEMPORARY situation and it WILL get better; Life is an INCREDIBLE journey and you have many amazing times and days ahead, don't get too stuck on where you are; YOU are entirely responsible for your own happiness, don't rely on others for it and try to not let them affect it; and...keep posting on here, it really helps!
tobydog1 Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 Thanks Debtman, You are so right, I feel as if I have turned the corner and am really looking forward to life again. It helps that I was away working in South Africa and fell in love a little..... And I am hooking up with an old b/f soon who cannot wait to see me. All done my self esteem and confidence a world of good. As for the ex, I am finally over him and have zero interest in him. I could even look him in the eye and smile when he came to pick son up. And I honestly wish him a happy life. No doubt I will have sad days when the D is through. We went on the Gandhi Salt March and visited his house in Durban....This quote is good.... 'Forgiveness is giving up my right to punish you for hurting me' Sums it all up for me really... Dx
worldgonewrong Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 Cheers, debtman! You are a true inspiration. You have maintained your dignity & self-respect throughout your ordeal; there's a helluvalot we can all learn from you.
UnsureinSeattle Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 You're the man, DM. You stuck to the high road, and I truly believe that, despite the heartache, you've come out better off in the end. Excellent work.
Yasuandio Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 Dude, you Rock.... What cha' gonna do when she Rolls back in? Or are you into Metal right now?
soserious1 Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 DM, you are quite correct, life after divorce does get better! I no longer feel sad about my divorce at all, what I do regret is getting married in the 1st place. Time, coupled with IC have helped me to understand why I selected a husband who treated me so poorly and has also helped me to know that marriage as it is currently practiced is an institution that I am ill suited for. Now, if I can just get him to come up with a dollar amount to give him a lump sum settlement I'll be happy, writing his monthly alimony check is a painful reminder that needs to go away if possible.
trippi1432 Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 Great post Debtman!! We move forward in the face of adversity. Life changes, and we change with it to survive...and in there are sweet surprises that we never knew existed. Knowing we can love and appreciate those times with our children, just us....did it for a very long time with my DD. Am embarking on it with a son now who is doing better than he was last year. Have better control over my job and that stress...and the anxiety and agitation very rare now on my own. First exH, befriended me on FB the other day....was very funny, but we were best friends and always will be...I am wondering if his 3rd wife will be upset about him adding me and all the women he cheated on me with to his FB....waiting for Yellow Shark's reply on FB being evil now. :lmao: (I am so missing Gunny humor right now!!) I still believe it's not the application, it's the people and really bad decisions. Same day, second exH finally gave up his anger on leaving me and being with his OW for almost 2 years...."water under the bridge, let's do what is best for our son"...perhaps he finally has realized that I was over him before he was over me, even though it was HIS choice. In retrospect, I never gave him my heart fully...I know that now. We live, we learn, we survive...we learn forgiveness for ourselves and others. I've learned so much over the past year...I expect to keep learning with every lesson that comes my way. I keep my heart open to new experiences, new loves...that touch my life and take from it....lessons, be them hobbies, our passions...new people that touch our lives. Apologies...hit sorrow this week...perhaps overly sentimental....Toby, love your quote. I spent too long living jaded and unhappy...time for a new leaf.
updown Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 (edited) great update debtman!! and trippi, i needed that post today more than you could ever know! i was starting to wallow BIG TIME! and i came here and got to read two inspirational posts, and they will both help me get over this hump and move on. i do wish i could get out there and enjoy activities like that as well. i'm trying. but, it's a very slow process. not enough time or money to really do what i would like to do....... but, the point is moving forward, not the pace, but the direction.... so, i am doing that. i do hate the hurdles though. they still kinda suck big time. debtman, i'm glad things are going well. i do hope that your STBX leaves you alone. she sounds like a piece of work! a real piece of work. Edited May 3, 2011 by updown
jaymz Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 When ever i feel like stuff is getting on top, I take 5 minutes and read this thread. It has been invaluable, thanks for sharing.
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