justaname Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 I'm single. She has two children. If not for the children, the decision would be easy, but she's still working on it. But let's say she decides to leave her loveless marriage. What... would it be like? What should I expect? She'd probably need to get her own place first, right? So that the children weren't completely confused... Neither of us have any idea what the process would be, honestly. It must happen sometimes. Someone must have been through it.
Irishlove Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 You need more to your story hun. I don't understand what you are asking.
Author justaname Posted April 28, 2011 Author Posted April 28, 2011 Just wondering... how the life change is usually navigated. Logistically. Telling people, telling friends, living separately, spending time together, spending time with the kids, dating for real, living together, being certain, being uncertain...
whichwayisup Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 Is her husband aware of how she feels? Does he even know that she is planning on leaving and divorcing him? Yes, she should be on her own for a while. And, the kids should NOT meet you or be in your life for a long, long time. It isn't fair to them to have their parents split up and then all of a sudden have to meet and deal with mommy's new boyfriend. The best thing you can do is let her know that you are giving her time and space to figure out what she is doing, that you have a time limit (meaning, she has to have a plan in place and be following through on leaving, separating, finding her own place, talking to a lawyer, file for divorce) and that you don't want to be where you are now in a year from now. You being the OM and she still married and living at home. If she cannot do the above, then chances are, its' wishful thinking, she wants to leave, but things aren't 'half as bad' as she's made it out to be at home with her husband so having an OW on the side just fulfills her needs.
Author justaname Posted April 28, 2011 Author Posted April 28, 2011 Is her husband aware of how she feels? Does he even know that she is planning on leaving and divorcing him? Yes, she should be on her own for a while. And, the kids should NOT meet you or be in your life for a long, long time. It isn't fair to them to have their parents split up and then all of a sudden have to meet and deal with mommy's new boyfriend. The best thing you can do is let her know that you are giving her time and space to figure out what she is doing, that you have a time limit (meaning, she has to have a plan in place and be following through on leaving, separating, finding her own place, talking to a lawyer, file for divorce) and that you don't want to be where you are now in a year from now. You being the OM and she still married and living at home. If she cannot do the above, then chances are, its' wishful thinking, she wants to leave, but things aren't 'half as bad' as she's made it out to be at home with her husband so having an OM on the side just fulfills her needs. The kids know me already. We're cool. She and I knew each other for a long time before any of this happened. Still, though, yeah, it would be a dramatic change. What does giving her time and space mean to you? Does it mean being out of her life?
spice4life Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 My guess for time and space would mean stepping back and letting her sort things out, but also letting her know you are there for her. Keep yourself busy while she navigates through the divorce process.
Author justaname Posted April 28, 2011 Author Posted April 28, 2011 Makes sense. I don't want to be the antagonist making things less amicable.
Rose1977 Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 I think a little bit of more info would help us to help you better. Does the H have any idea this is happening or that she is planning on leaving? Do you think he will fight to save his M or let her go? If she is planning on leaving, this is similar to the "managed exit" thread going on now I guess. A plan needs to be developed. Finances need to be figured out. It's a process. It's definitely doable. Others here have done it.
Author justaname Posted April 28, 2011 Author Posted April 28, 2011 I think a little bit of more info would help us to help you better. Does the H have any idea this is happening or that she is planning on leaving? Do you think he will fight to save his M or let her go? If she is planning on leaving, this is similar to the "managed exit" thread going on now I guess. A plan needs to be developed. Finances need to be figured out. It's a process. It's definitely doable. Others here have done it. I wouldn't say she's planning on leaving. But some information about what to expect might help both of us know what we'd be getting into. I'll look at that thread.
Owl Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 Twice you've been asked if the H knows...and neither time have you answered. That's a big part of this equation. If he's aware of the situation, aware of her feelings for you, and is already moving towards seperation/divorce...then this proceeds relatively similar to a "normal" relationship in which she was single...once the divorce and seperation is completed. If he's not accepting of the situation...then odds are it's a longer, much more complicated deal. If he's unaware...there's no way to know how it's going to go until he is.
Rose1977 Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 Quite honestly, a lot of them that successfully end up with the OW/OM say that life isn't what they expected - everyday life is not as much fun as the affair, but they don't always say they regret it. I don't know if we are allowed to name other people's names here, but there is one regular poster who will be along I'm sure who is with her OM and happy, and there is one poster who doesn't post all that often who married her OM last month. As far as what to expect, every situation is different. With kids involved, things are even more complicated. Some OW have had to deal with the MM's family not liking them, the kids not liking them, etc... and others have a quite opposite experience. That's why details about your particular situation would probably help people assist you more. What to tell people really depends on your situation. For example, if H is abusive or an addict, people will probably be more receptive to her being happy with someone else. If he is a wonderful man and father who has a lot of common friends and her family loves him, things could be uglier. In the end, it seems that the R's that are more successful come from those who are TRULY ready to leave and make that clear to their H. It makes things very difficult when the person wavers back and forth after leaving.
awkward Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 If she chooses to divorce her husband it would probably be easier on the children if there was some transition time between leaving and moving in with you. Didn't you have an April deadline? If that was you, I hope you stay firm with it. She isn't going to leave until she is ready. She might be okay with talking about what it might look like and even imagining it with you, but that is entirely different than her being ready to do it. She probably won't seriously consider leaving until after you walk away for good. Right now she has no reason to leave and every reason to keep the status quo. I'm sure either way, for you at least, things will work out in the end. Are you going to walk away on May 1st? What do you think it will take for her to make the decision to stay or leave? Is more time the answer? How much time? As long as it takes? If so, are you okay with being her OM until then?
whichwayisup Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 ]I wouldn't say she's planning on leaving.[/b] But some information about what to expect might help both of us know what we'd be getting into. I'll look at that thread. So what does this mean exactly? If she truly wants to leave then she should be talking to her husband, dealing with him and the divorce, selling the house, finances, the kids, custody and working all that out before there is a "you and her". She has to end things properly before she can move on with you. Again, does her H know she wants to leave and separate, be with you? OR is this a case of you "hoping" she's going to leave by her giving you hope that it 'could' happen one day? You need to give her time and space so she can do this on her own. Without your involvement, knowing personal details of their marriage ending. Also the drama that goes with it, do you want to get caught up in it? I take it you know the kids but they think you're a family friend, right?
fooled once Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 I'm single. She has two children. If not for the children, the decision would be easy, but she's still working on it. But let's say she decides to leave her loveless marriage. What... would it be like? What should I expect? She'd probably need to get her own place first, right? So that the children weren't completely confused... Neither of us have any idea what the process would be, honestly. It must happen sometimes. Someone must have been through it. My child was 6 when I divorced my ex. Worse thing this woman can do is have a new guy in her bed too quickly. Even you. Of course she should have her OWN place. You honestly don't think she should move in with you, do you? She needs to create a HOME for her kids. She needs to ensure her kids are emotionally okay. This does not mean after a week, you can start coming over and staying. Stay out of her house while the kids are there. Stay away from her when she has her kids. You are not dad; you won't be replacing dad. She needs time to settle her life - at least 6 months. She needs to focus on the important stuff; not dating or getting together with you. This is all outside all the legal things that will need to be done. Divorce, custody arrangements, etc. Many people today put no over night clauses in their custody agreements; which means you can not ever stay over night when her kids are present. It is to protect the kids from the revolving door of their parents bedroom and not getting stuck meeting all mommy and daddy's new 'friends'.
carrie999 Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 The kids know me already. We're cool. She and I knew each other for a long time before any of this happened. Still, though, yeah, it would be a dramatic change. What does giving her time and space mean to you? Does it mean being out of her life? I haven't read further than this but this in particular set off alarm bells. You and her kids are cool because they know you in the context of some sort of family friend or something. How old are they? Why are you convinced they'll be cool with you being with their mom? Do they know anything? Does their father/her husband?
carrie999 Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 Just a follow-up to my response about the kids. I could have written a thread by the same title (replace "she" with "he") with similar questions. My MM and I are family friends, too. We have a lot of entanglements in terms of siblings and mutual friends. It's a complicated situation. We both expect that when he leaves, it will change a lot of HIS relationships. I expect to give him some needed space, and stay with him, if things work out as well as they can. Even then, whether it's months or years after the divorce, we expect further reactions from everyone that will change the relationships even more. Under the best of circumstances, they all might accept us, but all of the relationships will have changed in some way. As of now, his siblings (and his wife) love me, and my siblings and ex-fiance love him. The road from here will be rocky, and even without the affair ever being revealed, there will always be questions and doubt. Now take my situation and add kids to it and it's that much more complex. Be prepared for anything. It's one thing to explain to your adult siblings who may or may not understand...but it is likely harder for kids who trusted you as "uncle justaname" or whatever. Who knows? Maybe they'll take it better than others around you. But depending on how the divorce affects them and a million other factors, they may reject you outright and even force their mother to choose somehow between you and them. I'm just giving you the worst case scenario. When it was just an affair, I was worried about the consequences if we were caught. I mainly worried about our SO's. Now that it's becoming a reality that me & MM really might end up together, it makes it that much harder to imagine how it will affect everyone involved when we end up together, even if we're never exposed. It's a huge risk that could jeopardize our relationships with our own families. Just keep your eyes open, and be realistic about how damaging this can be under the best circumstances.
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