Raising the dead?

[Gully]

Hi to everyone,

 

Any thoughts or comments you may have on my sorry tale, please feel free to comment.

 

Its been 46 days now since I kicked my wife of 46 out of our home and with her went my 16 year old step daughter. I'm 47.

 

I've been in my second marriage for 10 years and was totally committed to my wife and her (very difficult) daughter. Her daughter who last year we figured out last year, has behavioral problems and started to become a school refuser this time last year.

 

I'd brought up 3 girls in my previous marriage but unlike them I was never able to fully bond with my step daughter and for some time now I'd thought some thing was not quite right with her. But as mother knows best (?) went along with her way of doing things. My wife still cannot understand why her daughter and I had never bonded, but its only now with this looking glass opportunity on our life’s together, that I'm only just figuring it out.

 

January to May last year was utter hell for my wife as we both fumbled through thinking we were doing the right thing for her. At one point last year my wife packed her bags and went to drive off leaving me with her daughter saying she couldn’t cope. I managed to talk and convince her that driving off wouldn’t be the best move. This was on top of the strains we both faced with major changes at our places of work. Eventually she went to a school referral unit. Since then she has made excellent progress she started doing well in her school work and has just started to pass her exams. Believe you me there's been a vast improvement in her attitude to school work.

 

During October – November last year I became suspicious of my my wife after she'd started to change her attitude towards me, all of a sudden she didn’t like certain aspects of me, my politics, my whole out look on life and became increasingly critical at the slightest thing I did wrong (in her eyes). These things had never been problem before. She then started following football more and particularly a local team on top of her own team (I don't follow football). Not conclusive but in the bedroom things had changed, she wouldn't maintain eye contact and had become quite inactive, both big changes in how she usually reacted during our intimate times. In the end I asked outright was she seeing anyone else and got the reply, “no when have I got time with work and all”. I'd implicitly trusted her and never doubted her loyalty to me and our marriage, until then doubt had started to creep in to my head.

 

I think we could both see what was wrong with our marriage, yet couldn’t pull it back... we'd become complacent, took things for granted a little to much with each other. Yet we never really argued, no shouting matches and always tried to talk through our problems. But now she just clammed up and didn’t want to go there and just brushed my questions away not wanting to talk about us. To some degree I accepted it and certainly had nothing conclusive to pursue with her, down the avenue of an affair - so just got on with it.

 

In December, she'd been talking a lot more about her manager at work; she even forwarded him some jokes I'd sent to her mobile, and never thought anything of it. One night I walked into the room and politely asked who she was texting - she said none of your business. I replied if Id have said that I wonder what the reaction would have be then? She never replied. I left it and just carried on.

 

So again my suspicions were roused. Leading up to Christmas she asked me to check her laptop out as it was running very slow, she was going out to do some shopping with her daughter. So later I opened the laptop and her outlook was still open. I spotted the name of her boss in the in-box list. So had a read (after sorting her laptop out). He'd gone on holiday and he'd be missing the office Christmas party, it was general office banter and innocent enough - apart from a small x when signing off, after wishing each other merry Christmas. I shut the laptop and didn’t say anything to my wife. Mainly because it looked so innocent and I’d nothing conclusive, while thinking if I did mention it might blow up beyond all proportion if I raised it...as I'd been spying on her after all. Any way he was married and had been for 20 years or so.

 

Things still felt safe but had a niggling doubt at the back of my mind and it persisted.

 

During that December I'd joked to her daughter that I thought her mum was having an affair, never thought much of it and suspected she'd say something to her mum; and accepted I'd deal with it then, if my wife approached me. She never did and thought she never knew I suspected something was wrong.

 

Between Christmas and March this year things improved between all 3 of us, we started talking more, the step daughter was doing well at school, with health workers involved all helping the step daughter we seemed to be getting there, the pressures at work were lifting a little and we looked forward to what looked like a good year ahead of us.

 

In February my wife asked if I minded if she could go and watch a big football game (the local team she'd started to support were playing her favourite team from down south) with her boss, and another colleague from work, I agreed. The day came she went off looking a beautiful as ever, the sun shining in her hair, I told her as she walked off with a smile on her face. Yet again my doubts about her faithfulness resurfaced but left it choosing to ignore them. After all we were having good times again.

 

During March we had a big argument, how it started I don’t know, but it stemmed from a few days prior after returning from work and she asked me to start moving beds about to make way for a new bed for the step daughter (pester power?). I asked if it could wait until weekend? NO it had to be done there and then, so with a few moans from me, I moved the bed. Because I'd huffed through the job my partner did not speak to me for 3 days until the weekend, when the Saturday came, we argued rather than discussed and never got anywhere. It flowed into Sunday and we rowed again, she ignored me and sat reading I snapped and threw her electronic reader at the wall. Not a good move I know. She said it was the end, no more, it was over.

 

Eventually after many tears from both us I agreed to leave the house that week for a 2 month separation to give us all, in her words 'space'. I sat down and told her daughter what was going to happen and that together we'd work things out over the coming months. They went out shopping and I stayed at home to get on with some housework.

 

I'd not looked at the laptop since December I hadn’t snooped or invaded her privacy, yet after they'd gone I got the laptop out and checked the in-box, nothing there, the merry Christmas email was still there but nothing new. I was just about to close the lid and stopped. I never checked the deleted email bin in outlook back in December. That’s when, 46 days ago, I discovered 2 emails sent during the run up to Christmas, clearly indicating she'd been with her manager in a hotel room, how she missed him at work and how she was looking forward to his return home from his Christmas holiday, to do whatever with him on his return.

 

After reading the emails 2-3 times, trying to figure out if they were old emails between US, a total realisation dawned - and fell to the floor and wailed like a baby for I don't know how long.

My whole being and everything I believed about our life together was instantaneously destroyed, the devoted love I felt was sucked out of me. Replaced with a pain and such emotion the like of which I'd never experienced before and never want to again.

 

Eventually an anger overtook my mind; a red hot molten feeling running through me. I never stopped to think. I packed all her clothes, make up, the new boots (I thought she bought for him), everything I thought she'd need into suitcases and boxes and put them at the back of the house. Then rang her, the step daughter answered, she was driving and could not answer the phone. I told her I'd text her mum.

 

I text her saying not to come home and create a scene, that her bags were packed to pick them up from the back of the house and leave and in future make sure she deletes her old emails properly.

 

Eventually I got a text back from her saying I couldn’t exclude her from the home, which I know I couldn’t but didn’t want her back then – as far as I was concerned then she'd have to go to court to get back in here. She turned up calm with her daughter and stood on the doorstep, I got the blame from the daughter as I was about to make a 16 year old homeless. I told her I was not kicking her out I was not to blame, her mum was. After nearly an hour she phoned the police. They arrived I explained I wasn’t kicking the daughter out just her mum she could stay until my wife had sorted out somewhere else to live. They me I could stay and told her to go, the step daughter went with her refusing to stay here with me.

 

Later during the evening feelings of retribution came on and I emailed their employer along with their emails to each other all attached (every employee where she works is subject to a no relationship clause in their contracts). I sent it to two email addresses, the HR department in one building and to a separate building that's their main place of work. Unbeknown to me I'd used an email address which distributed the emails to everyone in the office they work at. I don’t know what the outcome was and haven’t tried to find out if they are still in the same office together. I have deep regret for doing this.

 

My wife wont discuss any aspect of their relationship together and has pulled up the drawbridge on talking to me about what happened or anything about us. She only wants to talk 'practical stuff' like the house, money and the step daughter. I suspect she’s in denial, wants time and is also coming to terms with what I did to her and has yet to deal with what she did to me (if she ever does). I’ve asked questions and want a conversation at an emotional level, this was during the second week and felt I'd begun chasing her.

 

We've had one conversation (weekend just gone) that didn’t cover practical matters where we both got emotional and both sat in tears on the phone. During this talk she told me the affair ended when her daughter told her about my joke - when I'd suspected her infidelity. She said it ended soon after that and she then committed herself to me for the rest of her life and after I kicked her out she’s re-evaluating this. She added that she's not given our marriage much thought as it took her 2 weeks to find somewhere to live after stopping in hotels and with friends. Her sole purpose being to find a home. She says she now needs time to sort her head out.

 

Now I’m trying to get over the guilt of kicking her out, the impact this has had on my step daughter and just wished I'd stopped, thought and talked to her before kicking her out.

 

I've now started seeing a counsellor mainly because my wife has shut the gates and I need to talk about this. Suppose its an attempt to work through the emotions, feelings of betrayal, guilt, while trying get into a stronger position of acceptance, for what ever road we choose to go down, be that reconciliation or a divorce.

 

While I've initially struggled to sort my own head out in trying to come terms with these events and holding onto this roller coaster ride; I’ve made the decision to stop wanting to talk to her about this, no texting, phoning...NO COMMUNICATION from me and to leave for her to instigate any conversation about these events and where we go from here.

 

I know its still early days and communication is the key but I'm now trying to get on with what I need to do - that's to totally focus on ME becoming ME again. If she wants to talk about what happened and be fully open with me, then maybe we'll attempt to reconcile things later. She knows where I am.

 

Until then and for my sanity's point of view...as of yesterday I'm just trying to imagine she's dead and that we can no longer communicate with each other.

 

Does anyone feel my ignoring her and waiting will be of any benefit in raising the dead?

[Mauschen]

Divorce is painful, and being betrayed by a spouse is some of the worst emotional pain ever. I have been there.

 

If the two of you can work it out, I suggest trying. Moving past the emotional pain on to a good relationship is possible. I suggest reading the book His Needs, Her Needs, preferably with your wife. I was not able to save my first marriage because my ex did not want to. But I do know a couple who made it through infidelity and are happy together today.

 

I know your wife hurt you deeply and needs to own up to what she did. But have you tried apologizing to her for what you did (by the way, I don't blame you for what you did - I may have done the same!). It is humbling to take the first step, but someone has to if you want to make things work.

 

I wish the best for you.

[mark982]

i really like the part about, after your joke she quit her affair. and committed herself 100 percent to the marriage. you seriously can't believe that.

[Gully]

It certainly is painful, never experienced anything like it before. Thanks for the book recommendation I'll check it out.

 

I apologised for what I'd done last weekend, think we both need more time to figure out things and which direction we take later on. If she doesn't want to do joint counseling sometime in the future, then it could be safe to say she doesn't want to save anything? Time will tell.

 

Thanks.

[Gully]

At this early stage; really don’t know what to believe, don’t really feel I know my wife but it'll take a hell of a lot more than her saying that to convince me other wise.

 

Thanks

[2.50 a gallon]

Why are you apologizing for snooping? There should be no secret friendships with the opposite sex.

 

Football? The only American came was the Super Bowl, Feb 6, so are you possibly talking about what we call soccer?

 

Again, why are you apologizing? She screwed around on you and you did the right thing by exposing to her work

 

Move on in life, dump this cheater, find somone you can trust with your love