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GUYS: when you break up with someone, why do you REALLY want to be friends with them?

purplepanda

By purplepanda
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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purplepanda Established Member

purplepanda

Posted
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So, if you've read the last couple of posts out there, I needed advice on whether or not I should take an ex back. We broke up last april, he wrote me an email (made a new page cause I blocked him on everything ;) ) then saw me one day, I had no choice in the matter. We did, unfortunately got back together.

 

I was afraid and cautious, but I listened to my heart and slept with him after two weeks. After three weeks in this relationship, he broke up with me: same day as last year. I finally got him to admit who "she" was, unlike the first time, last year.

 

She didn't like him. Now he's after someone else. He begs me and begs me to be friends. "I can't just not talk to you", is what he says. In a way I like it, but it hurts because I know he doesn't care about me, he just wanted to finish what he started. :(

 

He wanted to be friends last year too. After listening to him saying, "oh I'm with this girl, i'm with that one", I got sick of it. I would like to win him back because I know he can change, but I doubt I'll ever see that happen. (Very different than what I thought a month ago).

 

Guys, why do you want to be friends with an ex? To hurt them by saying who you're with? To keep tabs on them? Do you really not want to let them go?

 

He said it's the long distance that's hard, which I'd understand IF he didn't come back to me with all this "love" in his heart, then leave. O.o If he loved me and it was long distance that was the problem, he wouldn't try to be with five other people, would he?

What is he doing???

reallyconfused2542 Established Member

reallyconfused2542

Posted
Posted

i in no way want to be friends with an ex. i don't want them to get hurt by seeing me with a new girl and i sure as hell dont want to see them with another guy

Graceful Established Member

Graceful

Posted
Posted

I didn't want to be friends with my ex, either, so don't count me into that category.

 

Friends don't lie, cheat, jerk you around, want you one minute, ditch you the next, use you, get out of contact one month, come back 6 months later, tell you things that will hurt you ... shall I go on?

 

So why the heck anyone wants their ex as a friend is a mystery to me, and why you'd entertain being a friend to your ex who has hurt you, not supported you, left you, come back, jerked you around, and all the rest, disturbs me ... unless that's all you expect from your "friends" -- time for new friends, in that case. That's not what friends do. Sorry, but there is a word, "friend" that is easy to use -- then there are the actions that go along with the word "friend" -- that's a lot harder to institute. Actions speak louder than words. Your choice.

orangelady Established Member

orangelady

Posted
Posted

Exes aren't supposed to be friends.

neghitzbrah Established Member

neghitzbrah

Posted
Posted
So, if you've read the last couple of posts out there, I needed advice on whether or not I should take an ex back. We broke up last april, he wrote me an email (made a new page cause I blocked him on everything ;) ) then saw me one day, I had no choice in the matter. We did, unfortunately got back together.

 

I was afraid and cautious, but I listened to my heart and slept with him after two weeks. After three weeks in this relationship, he broke up with me: same day as last year. I finally got him to admit who "she" was, unlike the first time, last year.

 

She didn't like him. Now he's after someone else. He begs me and begs me to be friends. "I can't just not talk to you", is what he says. In a way I like it, but it hurts because I know he doesn't care about me, he just wanted to finish what he started. :(

 

He wanted to be friends last year too. After listening to him saying, "oh I'm with this girl, i'm with that one", I got sick of it. I would like to win him back because I know he can change, but I doubt I'll ever see that happen. (Very different than what I thought a month ago).

 

I can't speak for all men, but I can speak for this dou**bag. He's using you for sex. You are just the backup girl to him (which is the case for all of his "girls"). Get out while you can and go NC with him. I have seen and heard about guys doing this. In fact, I have done this myself for a month after breaking up with my ex -- I regret it to this day and have gotten what came to me. When he finds someone better, he will leave you.

 

Other than that, he will say he wants to be 'friends' but will make moves on you which there is a chance that you will give in (which you most likely will). So, cut all ties with him. He's not worth your time. I can tell you from first hand experience that if you hang out with him, you will hook up with him. Good luck!

Lilmisus Established Member

Lilmisus

Posted
Posted
I didn't want to be friends with my ex, either, so don't count me into that category.

 

Friends don't lie, cheat, jerk you around, want you one minute, ditch you the next, use you, get out of contact one month, come back 6 months later, tell you things that will hurt you ... shall I go on?

 

So why the heck anyone wants their ex as a friend is a mystery to me, and why you'd entertain being a friend to your ex who has hurt you, not supported you, left you, come back, jerked you around, and all the rest, disturbs me ... unless that's all you expect from your "friends" -- time for new friends, in that case. That's not what friends do. Sorry, but there is a word, "friend" that is easy to use -- then there are the actions that go along with the word "friend" -- that's a lot harder to institute. Actions speak louder than words. Your choice.

 

Though I definitely agree with you, I wanted to be friends with my ex, because I cared about him still, and couldn't imagine him not in my life since he was such a huge influence in it. Plus, with everything going on in his life, I was extremely worried about him, and wanted to be kept up to date with everything. At first, it felt great to be able to see and talk to him still when I wanted to, and still be able to joke around like we used to, and it felt like being friends was the right choice to make. Now though, I'm leaning more towards what you say, and I realize that I don't mean sh*t to him, so why should he mean anything to me? He hurt me, and I realize now that I don't want someone in my life who is so willing to screw me over that way. Plus, he was the one who stressed being friends (I don't know why), and then was the one who was the a**hole about it afterward.

somedude81 Established Member

somedude81

Posted
Posted

Eh, the main reason I'd see a man wanting to still be friends with an ex is so he can still sleep with her.

Graceful Established Member

Graceful

Posted
Posted

Understood. I agree, it's a hard lesson to learn, and we sometimes have to test out a friendship to find out it's not going to work. The entire landscape changes after a breakup, including what created the friendship in the first place.

 

To me, the most clear way to put it is that friendship was ONE aspect of the relationship, and then it was much, much more than that. That's why it was a special relationship in the first place, that went beyond what you have with a "regular" friend, even a best friend.

 

So when it's over, how can you just isolate the friendship aspect, and take out all of the other ways you "related" and expect it to work? Easier in theory than in practice. We live and we learn.

 

And you're right, it is not rewarding to try to be a friend, no matter how much you care --- if you are getting nothing in return, then again, that's not a friendship. Not at all.

 

So when the OP says that her ex wants HER as a friend, that's just tough for him. This is what you say:

 

"Ex, of course you want me for a friend. I have been a good friend to you, honest and true and I have loved you. I didn't break up with you, I stood by you, I have supported you and did all I could for you.

 

So why would you not want me for a friend? I'm a great friend.

 

But you? Not so much. You broke up with me, hurt me, pushed me away, wanted me back, then rejected me again, then talked about other girls like it wouldn't bother me. Don't you have any feelings for me at all?

 

My friendship is special, ex, and why do you think you even deserve it after what you did? I don't think you deserve my friendship.

 

Ex, it's not that you want me for a friend. The question is do I want you for a friend? And the answer is NO. I don't want you for a friend, because you do not give me anything in the way of friendship.

 

So, good bye ex, and have a nice life." :)

 

 

Though I definitely agree with you, I wanted to be friends with my ex, because I cared about him still, and couldn't imagine him not in my life since he was such a huge influence in it. Plus, with everything going on in his life, I was extremely worried about him, and wanted to be kept up to date with everything. At first, it felt great to be able to see and talk to him still when I wanted to, and still be able to joke around like we used to, and it felt like being friends was the right choice to make. Now though, I'm leaning more towards what you say, and I realize that I don't mean sh*t to him, so why should he mean anything to me? He hurt me, and I realize now that I don't want someone in my life who is so willing to screw me over that way. Plus, he was the one who stressed being friends (I don't know why), and then was the one who was the a**hole about it afterward.
xbexy87x Member

xbexy87x

Posted
Posted

My ex broke up with me and stated he still wanted to be friends.

 

Within those 3 and a half months after the breakup we talked via text, saw each other, hooked up and slept together. He acted like we were an item (call me by his nickname, leave kisses at end of txts, cuddle me etc.) like nothing had changed apart from the fact he can do what the hell he wants as there is no commitment.

 

Me being stupid thought I could get him back by being there for him and being a 'friend' and answering his beck and call.. Haha I was very well stupid.. He even started to arrange to meet up and then ditch me at the last minute. His mates even think im his 'property' now.

 

 

I have now started NC.

 

 

Men want to keep you as friends because:

 

1) To keep you there until a distraction comes along.

 

OR

 

2) To not feel guilty about breaking up with you.

 

OR

 

3) To really not lose you for good as he still has feelings for you but not ready for a committed relationship.

 

OR

 

3) To keep tabs on you and keep you there incase he ever changes his mind.

 

OR

 

4) He really really has no feelings and respects and values you that much he wants to be friends with you.

 

 

I hope my ex is the 2 and a slight bit of the 3.

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purplepanda Established Member

purplepanda

Posted
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Posted
I didn't want to be friends with my ex, either, so don't count me into that category.

 

Friends don't lie, cheat, jerk you around, want you one minute, ditch you the next, use you, get out of contact one month, come back 6 months later, tell you things that will hurt you ... shall I go on?

 

So why the heck anyone wants their ex as a friend is a mystery to me, and why you'd entertain being a friend to your ex who has hurt you, not supported you, left you, come back, jerked you around, and all the rest, disturbs me ... unless that's all you expect from your "friends" -- time for new friends, in that case. That's not what friends do. Sorry, but there is a word, "friend" that is easy to use -- then there are the actions that go along with the word "friend" -- that's a lot harder to institute. Actions speak louder than words. Your choice.

 

I don't want him as my friend, not as long as it's going to be the way it was before. D: And a part of me, as always, wishes he'll take me back.

Whenever I bring it up (the no friendship thing), he freaks out, or ignores me. I'm going to talk to him tonight.

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted

The man wants the freedom of being single with the benefits of being in a relationship/married.

 

My perspective is, perhaps a viewpoint contrary to that of most men, if my exW and I were friends we'd still be married ;)

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xbexy87x Member

xbexy87x

Posted
Posted
The man wants the freedom of being single with the benefits of being in a relationship/married.

 

My perspective is, perhaps a viewpoint contrary to that of most men, if my exW and I were friends we'd still be married ;)

 

Yup yup yup, I agree!!!

 

I just hope they look at the 'greener grass' and come to realisation that they can't have both and come back!

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purplepanda Established Member

purplepanda

Posted
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Yup yup yup, I agree!!!

 

I just hope they look at the 'greener grass' and come to realisation that they can't have both and come back!

 

For real!!!

flitzanu Established Member

flitzanu

Posted
Posted

well, my reasons for being friends with exes is for self-introspection. they are the ones that know me better from the outside, and if i'm in trouble or needing insight about "me" they are the best to help.

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purplepanda Established Member

purplepanda

Posted
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Posted
well, my reasons for being friends with exes is for self-introspection. they are the ones that know me better from the outside, and if i'm in trouble or needing insight about "me" they are the best to help.

 

That's easy to believe for another ex of mine. He NEVER got angry at me for being stupid, he never hurt me nor tried to, and I believe he was completely pure at heart, he's the most forgiving person I've ever met.

 

But this guy-- NO WAY. Indications are talking about other girls, saying 'Don't freak out on me', and just being a jerk or acting jealous... :(

flitzanu Established Member

flitzanu

Posted
Posted

but yes, you're right on this one. there sounds like no indication he is interested in your "friendship". just sounds like he doesn't want you to stray too far away, just in case he needs to convince you to sleep with him again.

radiodarcy Established Member

radiodarcy

Posted
Posted
The man wants the freedom of being single with the benefits of being in a relationship/married.

 

My perspective is, perhaps a viewpoint contrary to that of most men, if my exW and I were friends we'd still be married ;)

 

so true! i wish i could make my ex understand this. to me any good relationship starts out as a friendship.

radiodarcy Established Member

radiodarcy

Posted
Posted

OP I was in the same position as you. it was a fwb situation off and on for abt 2 and a half years. we started out as friends only and i started developing feelings for him. i told him how i felt but he didn't feel the same and eventually cut off the benefits part saying he just wanted to be friends. but that didn't work either because the more we stayed friends, the more i wanted out of the relationship. also - - when he decided he was ready for a relationship - - it wasn't with me - - he joined an internet dating website and started telling me about the girls he was dating. it finally got to be too much for me and i told him i was going NC. to his credit - - he's left me alone ever since. and even though there's small part of me that wishes he would reach out and contact me - - i know chances are it's not going to be for the reasons i want them to be. so - - he's really doing me a favor but staying away.

 

do yourself a favor and cut this guy lose because as Graceful put it -- he's definitely not being any kind of a friend to you.

JasonRules Established Member

JasonRules

Posted
Posted
So, if you've read the last couple of posts out there, I needed advice on whether or not I should take an ex back. We broke up last april, he wrote me an email (made a new page cause I blocked him on everything ;) ) then saw me one day, I had no choice in the matter. We did, unfortunately got back together.

 

I was afraid and cautious, but I listened to my heart and slept with him after two weeks. After three weeks in this relationship, he broke up with me: same day as last year. I finally got him to admit who "she" was, unlike the first time, last year.

 

She didn't like him. Now he's after someone else. He begs me and begs me to be friends. "I can't just not talk to you", is what he says. In a way I like it, but it hurts because I know he doesn't care about me, he just wanted to finish what he started. :(

 

He wanted to be friends last year too. After listening to him saying, "oh I'm with this girl, i'm with that one", I got sick of it. I would like to win him back because I know he can change, but I doubt I'll ever see that happen. (Very different than what I thought a month ago).

 

Guys, why do you want to be friends with an ex? To hurt them by saying who you're with? To keep tabs on them? Do you really not want to let them go?

 

He said it's the long distance that's hard, which I'd understand IF he didn't come back to me with all this "love" in his heart, then leave. O.o If he loved me and it was long distance that was the problem, he wouldn't try to be with five other people, would he?

What is he doing???

 

 

When I pull the plug I am never interested in being friends with my ex-girlfriend. The only reason I can imagine is if said guy met someone new, but is unsure of the outcome with the new girl, so he tells the old girl he wants to be "friends" in case things don't work out with the new girl he can just go back to her.

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purplepanda Established Member

purplepanda

Posted
  • Author
Posted
OP I was in the same position as you. it was a fwb situation off and on for abt 2 and a half years. we started out as friends only and i started developing feelings for him. i told him how i felt but he didn't feel the same and eventually cut off the benefits part saying he just wanted to be friends. but that didn't work either because the more we stayed friends, the more i wanted out of the relationship. also - - when he decided he was ready for a relationship - - it wasn't with me - - he joined an internet dating website and started telling me about the girls he was dating. it finally got to be too much for me and i told him i was going NC. to his credit - - he's left me alone ever since. and even though there's small part of me that wishes he would reach out and contact me - - i know chances are it's not going to be for the reasons i want them to be. so - - he's really doing me a favor but staying away.

 

do yourself a favor and cut this guy lose because as Graceful put it -- he's definitely not being any kind of a friend to you.

 

Yep...

 

When I pull the plug I am never interested in being friends with my ex-girlfriend. The only reason I can imagine is if said guy met someone new, but is unsure of the outcome with the new girl, so he tells the old girl he wants to be "friends" in case things don't work out with the new girl he can just go back to her.

 

Sigh...So true.

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purplepanda Established Member

purplepanda

Posted
  • Author
Posted

What do I do when he wants me back? D:

 

Last night he told me he did, and I said whatever. We're seeing each other saturday (tomorrow) and spending the whole day together, and we're going to talk through things. I honestly want to fix it, but I'm going to see if he's for real, though part of me is afraid he's not.

 

:rolleyes:

 

If he's serious, I'm going to make him WORK for it...work for ME. To do everything I ask. (And that includes annoying texts saying he's horny. I told him, "NO MEANS NO. When I say no, back off, and drop it." He has.

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted

Moving to your location would be a start. When he's done that, then listen. Otherwise, it's all carbon dioxide.

 

Further, examine your attraction style for clues as to why you would find this kind of drama attractive. Each day you get up and ride this drama train is another day you'll not meet a local, healthy, stable, interested man. What choice will you make today?

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purplepanda Established Member

purplepanda

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Moving to your location would be a start. When he's done that, then listen. Otherwise, it's all carbon dioxide.

 

Further, examine your attraction style for clues as to why you would find this kind of drama attractive. Each day you get up and ride this drama train is another day you'll not meet a local, healthy, stable, interested man. What choice will you make today?

 

I WISH he could move here! But we're in high school, both juniors.

ASG Established Member

ASG

Posted
Posted
well, my reasons for being friends with exes is for self-introspection. they are the ones that know me better from the outside, and if i'm in trouble or needing insight about "me" they are the best to help.

 

Yeap, I agree with this. This is my reason for staying friends with my exes.

 

My most recent ex calls me out on my **** like no other person does. Also, when I need professional advice, he's the one I turn to. I really look up to him.

 

It is also the case that the only thing he "did" was not be the person I wanted him to be. We broke up because we weren't compatible in a lot of things and decided to put an end to it before it turned ugly.

 

I have also not been cheated on or jerked around or strung along in most of my relationships, and even though I was hurt by the break up, I understood it's reasons and moved on. I have no problems being friends with those exes.

jordkorn Member

jordkorn

Posted
Posted

The first night my EX broke up with me I told her I do not want anything to do with her. I deleted her from Facebook all e-mails everything. Just in my point of view it would kill me to be friends when you want to be lovers. It is too hard and I cannot do it myself but others can. I would not be friends and try to move on. I know it is easier said then done. It takes time.

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