I let him go

[miranda3379]

I am in so much pain right now. It hurts to take a breath. I know that most will say I deserve this because I am an OW and I know that I do but it doesn't make it hurt any less. My MM and I have only been together for almost six months. He left his wife for me. He has been living with me. We have so much in common (personality wise, little quirks, our likes and dislikes) We have so much fun together- the same sense of humor- we can laugh for hours. We have an unbelievable sex life. Mind blowing. We have so much fun in the bedroom. He is an incredible giver in bed. The best I have ever experienced and probably ever will. I have given him experiences he's never had in so many years of marriage. If he was single, we would have the perfect relationship. But since this is not the case, of course there are problems. He wanted things wrapped up neatly- mad wife who would just let him go and not care. It was a fantasy world he was living in when he thought it would happen that way. I can honestly say that he has NO feelings for his wife. He does not miss her, does not want to work on his marriage.

 

He has said these things and these are his actions. More than once I have held the door wide open for him to return and he wouldn't budge. His wife has given him endless options to return and work on his marriage. She begs him to come home almost every single day. Two days ago we had a perfect day together. Laughed and joked like in the beginning before we were discovered, spent half the day in bed, went for a walk in the park and went out to dinner. We couldn't stop saying I love you and it was tender and perfect. He wants his wife to move on, to find someone else so that his guilt at leaving her goes away. He found out she failed all her classes at school and he feels responsible. He feels she can not function and refuses to get help because all she wants is him to return. He told me it makes him feel sick to think about going back. That he doesn't know how he can fake it enough to make her feel better. But he feels because he was with her since she was 17 and spent all those years with her that she just can not pick herself up and move on.

 

He talked her into joining an online dating site (she registered on her own) and she told him about it- that she looked at and talked to some guys. Now this is only 2 + months after DDay so I would not think she would be ready for dating yet. She told him it just made her miss him more. He said he was upset by that- that he was happy she was looking and upset that it hadn't worked. He talks about how if he would just drive past his house and see another man's car in his driveway-all his guilt would go away. That he would be thrilled that she has someone else to take care of her. He said he feels guilty for feeling NOTHING toward his wife. He said he knows his feelings are gone because he feels so much for me. He said he should feel jealous or hurt or something when he thinks of her with another man but all he feels is relief and hope that she will find someone.

 

I have told him she will not be ready to move on so soon. That she has to grieve his loss. That she has to accept he is not coming back. She knows that he is living with me. She knows that he is in love with me. yet she keeps asking him ridiculous things- she asked him to come home for easter so she could cook him dinner. She knew he is with me and obviously he would be spending the holiday with me. He told her no and she cried and he turned his phone off for the rest of the day so she couldn't contact him (he did this on his own, I didn't ask him to) Yet every day she is upset (understandably) and lays guilt on him. The guilt eats away at him. Last night he was upset. Said he is having chest pains and feels ready to explode from the stress. That he doesn't know what else to do. That he feels she will never leave him alone, will never be able to move on and that she is just going downhill and it is all his fault. That he feels nothing about wanting to work out his marriage but feels if he just returns she will be normal again. That even if his heart isn't in it that will be enough for her. He said he can't bring himself to do it because he loves me too much and knows we would always be happy. That he's never been as happy as with me and can't let me go.

 

I told him I can't live with his guilt. That he has to let go of his wife and let her make her own way. That her pain is 50% his responsibility-that she has to want to help herself. I see the guilt and pain he is experiencing and it isn't worth it. I don't want him to be torn. I don't want him to beat himself up every day. When he is with me he is happy, but I know when I'm not around he cries and beats himself up. He cries at the thoughts of losing me, of us not having our everday things that we are so attached to and used to. He says I am the female version of himself. Thats how much we have in common. I can't take the ups and downs. I love him no matter what. But I can't see him suffer. I can't watch him beat himself up. So I told him I don't want to be with him anymore (a lie). That I love him but that he needs to return to his wife. I cried, he cried like a baby. Begged me to change my mind. I stayed strong. Told him he is the best thing that ever happened to me. That I will never stop loving him but that our time is done. He held me all night as he does every night. We both cried on and off. I know this is the right thing to do (me to step away). I don't think it is the right thing to return him to his wife because without a doubt he truly does not want to work things out- he would only be there out of a sense of responsiblity. But maybe with me out of the way his feelings for her could return.

 

This is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I love this man more than I have ever loved anyone. I felt like he was my soul mate. I know that is crazy but there is not one thing I don't love about him. He has treated me better than anyone else EVER has. But I fear he will not be able to take the guilt and will leave eventually anyway. So I made it my choice for him to leave. he is trying to talk me into changing my mind but I have to be strong.

 

It is so hard to do. I miss him already and it hasn't been more than 2 hours since he left. He isn't going home yet instead going to a friend's house. I don't know when he is going to tell his wife. I feel like a part of me died. Feel like my insides are going to fall out. Did I do the right thing?

[greengoddess]

This is how I see it.

 

He found out she is on a dating site and is dating. He got jealous could not handle it and can not stand the thought of his wife moving on. Fantasy broken. He is lying to you. Married men lie.

 

What man who is so in love with you is just going to go back to his wife because she is sad and not moving on? Sorry that would just make it work.

 

I find it odd that he moved on and had an affair during the marriage but you feel 2 months is not enough time for her to grieve and start dating again when he is living with you. He moved on during the marriage and yet 2 months after dday is not long enough for her to date?

 

I'm sorry you are hurting but he is lying. He wants to go home.

[alexandria35]

What is wrong with your MM? He begged you? He is begging you to not make him go home to his wife? That is ridiculous. Do you think you are being noble or charitable by telling him to go home? Based on what he has told you about having zero love for his wife and zero respect for her, why on earth would you tell him to go back to her?

 

So he doesn't want his wife, doesn't love her, wants her to go get herself another man but now he going to go live with her again as her husband all because you say so. Is he five years old? He just waits for someone to tell him what to do and then he does it? Why can't he be a freaking man, make a decision based on what he wants and carry it out like a mature responsible adult? Meaning getting a place to be by himself and then dealing with ending his marriage. Yes I know, you have said he can't afford to rent his own place but that sounds like a cop out to me. He doesn't have friends or family he can stay with? He can't even rent a room or get shared accomadation? You are right that he can't just leave his marriage and walk away into the sunset with you. That is a fantasy. He can however, start doing the hard work of properly ending his marriage and learning to stand on his own two feet like a grown up.

[Rose1977]

This is just a mess. I just hope the W who is on this site does not come and read this. All these mind games are just sick and twisted.

[Owl]

It sounded like what he needed was someone to make the choice for him.

 

He wouldn't/couldn't make his own decision and stick with it...he needed one of the two of you to make the choice for him and enforce it from your side of things, rather than forcing him to make the choice and enforce his own decisions.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting, but odds are you've done the best thing possible for yourself as well.

 

If he can't make a decision and enforce boundaries now...what happens later on in your relationship with him?

 

OK...now that you've made the choice...what are you doing to ACTIVELY prevent a relapse when you're weak, or when he is?

 

Blocking his numbers from being able to reach you? Removing his contact information from your phone/etc... so that you can't cave and resume contact in a moment of weakness?

 

Take ACTIVE measures to make this change stick.

[AuthenticBliss]

He left his wife for me.

First problem. He should have left for himself, and then sought out another relationship. Looking for a soft landing is cowardly.

He wanted things wrapped up neatly- mad wife who would just let him go and not care. It was a fantasy world he was living in when he thought it would happen that way.

Another cowardly idea.

He wants his wife to move on, to find someone else so that his guilt at leaving her goes away.

One of the most cowardly things I've read here so far.

He talked her into joining an online dating site (she registered on her own) and she told him about it- that she looked at and talked to some guys.

This is not only cowardly but insensitive.

He talks about how if he would just drive past his house and see another man's car in his driveway-all his guilt would go away. That he would be thrilled that she has someone else to take care of her.

More cowardly nonsense.

The guilt eats away at him.

It should. He betrayed her in one of the worst ways possible.

Last night he was upset. Said he is having chest pains and feels ready to explode from the stress. That he doesn't know what else to do.

Obviously a man that doesn't deal with conflict well at all. He'd rather someone else clean it up for him.

I don't want him to be torn. I don't want him to beat himself up every day.

He's not beating himself up. He just wants to have things his way. For the mess to all go away or for someone else to clean itup for him. I did say he was a coward before, didn't I?

He says I am the female version of himself. Thats how much we have in common.

Let me ask you a question: are you a coward? Because you've described this man that is supposed to be your soulmate as a coward.

I love this man more than I have ever loved anyone. I felt like he was my soul mate. I know that is crazy but there is not one thing I don't love about him. He has treated me better than anyone else EVER has.

That saddens me. It appears you may have some issues of your won to deal with then, if this man-child is the best you think you will ever get.

It is so hard to do. I miss him already and it hasn't been more than 2 hours since he left. He isn't going home yet instead going to a friend's house. I don't know when he is going to tell his wife. I feel like a part of me died. Feel like my insides are going to fall out. Did I do the right thing?

Yes. It appears that you were unfortunately, the only adult in this situation. I know you are hurting, and I'm sorry. The first four to six months of a relationship are supposed to be magical. I hope you both seek some counseling. I hope some time will pass, and you will see that a relationship takes two well-adjusted adults, not one adult and one man-child who can't deal with conflict.

 

I fear you will take him back. Unless you both have sought therapy, I think this would ultimately be a recipe for more heartbreak.

 

Good luck.

[Fight4Me]

Your story is a classic example of why a WH should move out on his own if he intends to D. The way he went about it made it worse for his BW to adjust to the idea of losing her husband, let alone knowing he replaced her without batting an eyelash. As a result, it makes him wracked with guilt (as he should be), and then causing you pain in the process.

 

As a fBW, I would never EVER want my husband to stay with me out of obligation, but I also know that it would have made it 1000 times harder to cope if he went to live with his OW right away. I think what is lacking in this situation is a transition period.

 

I have seen OW advise one other to "hang back" through the divorce process, and I think it is the wise thing to do for all involved. So, do I think you did the right thing? Yes, but I would have suggested you tell him to handle his business and settle it all out and then come find you if he still feels the same way. He has left behind some pretty nasty carnage in his wake, and trying to clean it up by pawning his wife onto another guy is soooo messed up. It just adds insult to injury.

 

Ultimately, I hope his wife seeks counseling so she can see she is way better off without the selfish scumbag. Sorry, I know you don't see him that way, but his actions toward her speaks volumes. Maybe now he can redeem himself just a tiny bit by doing things the honorable way.

[whichwayisup]

Who pushes their spouse to join a dating site 2 months after D-Day, in hopes they'll get over it and move on, find someone else. Your MM has his head up his ass and is living in a total fantasy land. WTF.

 

He said he feels guilty for feeling NOTHING toward his wife. He said he knows his feelings are gone because he feels so much for me. He said he should feel jealous or hurt or something when he thinks of her with another man but all he feels is relief and hope that she will find someone.

 

He has NO idea how he feels about her, because of you! Ofcourse he's more emotionally attached to you right now...That helps him bury his feelings towards his wife. The guilt he feels, is part of feelings he DOES have for her, he just cannot recognize and process what that actually means. Also, he is 100% responsible for her pain! She did NOT cause this, he did!

 

Your problem is, you have put him on a pedistool and think he's perfect. He is far from perfect, even though you say he treats you well. Think about it, he USED to treat his wife well too! Now look at him.

 

Sorry you're hurting..Maybe now you can not only sympathize, but empathize with the pain his wife is in. You've been with him LESS than 6 months, she's been with him 18+ years... Her pain IS REAL and it's going to take more than 2 months for her to 'get over it.' He is FOOLING himself if he believes she's just going to give up without a fight.

 

Atleast now, he can be totally alone and sort out what he feels for her without you in his life. If he comes to you once he's divorced, date him, the right way... It's good you ended it because he is a MESS and cannot "live a life" with you when he hasn't closed the door on his ever so recent past life with his wife.

[Mimolicious]

What amazes me is that you condemn his W (Yes, you are even though you say that you understand yet make it sound like she has messed ish up for the 2 of you) and yet here you are perhaps feeling the same as she. The irony...

 

Anyway, what's so charming about this MM? He has no backbone and I am sorry but men talk all sorts of nonsense, yet when they see that they are no longer "King in throne", ego kicks in. If he really saw another man's car parked at the house (That I assume he shared with her) odds are that he will most likely not do Friday Dance.

 

 

I wonder, if he didn't mess around with you, was he going to leave his W anyway? If he is so unhappy and unfulfilled, right. You have been with him 6 months, 2 months from DDay and he already moved in? Sounds like a hotmess.

 

Good luck! This is the beginning of the rest of your life.

 

If it wasn't because I D the POS, I would say you are sleeping with my exH. LMAO!

Edited April 28, 2011 by Mimolicious

[CALOVELY]

Wasn't this the same guy who said he would be unbelievably cruel to his wife in the hopes that SHE would file for divorce so HE could feel less guilty? What a complete and utter jerk.

I hope she does and takes him for everything he has, balls included.

Do you not see that if he can do this to a woman he took vows with and has been married to for 18 years, that it would take nothing for him to treat you the same way, a woman he has only known for 6 months. You are lucky to be rid of this parasite.

[whichwayisup]

Also, you two are in totally in the honeymoon phase of things. Hot sex ,saying I love you every 20 seconds, can't get enough of eachother..

 

Love isn't just a feeling or an emotion. You two don't know eachother's real bad habits, what he's like when he's had a rough day, or if you two have issues how it'll be handled and dealt with. Everythng now is happy go lucky, so yeah, ofcourse it's going to be hard to let go... You only have to base this on affair setting feelings and time spent together. She, his wife, has a LIFETIME of memories, in and out of bed with him. More than just sex and lust.

[Lorelei_Lane]

Honestly? If he were a REAL man he would take this opportunity to GET HIS OWN DAMN PLACE AND GROW THE HELL UP.

 

I'm done with this twisted situation. Both women have been on this forum crying and ranting and raving about how hurt they are, they both need to wake up and realize this man is a HUGE PoS and needs to be thrown out with the trash. He couldn't be a man and make his own damn decision, so he just waited for one of the women to make the decision for him. Lame.

[miranda3379]

This is how I see it.

 

He found out she is on a dating site and is dating. He got jealous could not handle it and can not stand the thought of his wife moving on. Fantasy broken. He is lying to you. Married men lie.

 

What man who is so in love with you is just going to go back to his wife because she is sad and not moving on? Sorry that would just make it work.

 

I find it odd that he moved on and had an affair during the marriage but you feel 2 months is not enough time for her to grieve and start dating again when he is living with you. He moved on during the marriage and yet 2 months after dday is not long enough for her to date?

 

I'm sorry you are hurting but he is lying. He wants to go home.

 

 

I really do doubt this but I wish it was true. It would make me feel better. He just seems so detached from his wife and their life together. He thought he would really miss his house and his dogs but he hasn't missed those either. HE is the one who suggested his wife try online dating. She isn't dating anyone yet to his knowledge and he found out about her trying it two weeks ago so if it was going to bother him it would have by now. He knows that if he wanted to go back and work things out that the door is open. She wants him back and I told him if he wants to return to work on things I will not fight for him. That I would just let him walk away. So he knows he could come out and tell me he just wanted to return home. He's not a jealous person. He also knows it would hurt me much less if he wanted to return home to work things out so if this was the case he should tell me this. It hurts me more to think he would return only out of obligation and not for love and to make things work.

[miranda3379]

It sounded like what he needed was someone to make the choice for him.

 

He wouldn't/couldn't make his own decision and stick with it...he needed one of the two of you to make the choice for him and enforce it from your side of things, rather than forcing him to make the choice and enforce his own decisions.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting, but odds are you've done the best thing possible for yourself as well.

 

If he can't make a decision and enforce boundaries now...what happens later on in your relationship with him?

 

OK...now that you've made the choice...what are you doing to ACTIVELY prevent a relapse when you're weak, or when he is?

 

Blocking his numbers from being able to reach you? Removing his contact information from your phone/etc... so that you can't cave and resume contact in a moment of weakness?

 

Take ACTIVE measures to make this change stick.

 

 

You are right

[Mimolicious]

I really do doubt this but I wish it was true. It would make me feel better. He just seems so detached from his wife and their life together. He thought he would really miss his house and his dogs but he hasn't missed those either. HE is the one who suggested his wife try online dating. She isn't dating anyone yet to his knowledge and he found out about her trying it two weeks ago so if it was going to bother him it would have by now. He knows that if he wanted to go back and work things out that the door is open. She wants him back and I told him if he wants to return to work on things I will not fight for him. That I would just let him walk away. So he knows he could come out and tell me he just wanted to return home. He's not a jealous person. He also knows it would hurt me much less if he wanted to return home to work things out so if this was the case he should tell me this. It hurts me more to think he would return only out of obligation and not for love and to make things work.

 

 

His house and his dogs? Where does his W come in? Anyway, how can he miss anything? I wouldn't if I was romancing the stones all day. People believe their own illusions, I swear.

[whichwayisup]

He just seems so detached from his wife and their life together

Affairs tend to do that...make a cheating spouse emotionally detach from their wives/husband..

. It hurts me more to think he would return only out of obligation and not for love and to make things work.

 

You don't get a say in that and honestly, reguardless of his reasons if he decides to go back, it's his business. You're way too wrapped up in his life, his marriage, and you know way too much detail about his wife. Such drama.

[xxoo]

First, I'm sorry you are hurting. It must hurt terribly to walk away from the person with whom you've had the best conversations, intimacy, sex.

 

But remember, having those wonderful highs with a person does not necessarily make them a good choice for a relationship. They might be, but there is more to know. People can be great fun, and great in bed, but still be a mess of a person who will make you miserable in the long run. Addicts, abusers, and, yes, cheaters can often be that kind of amazing-but-tragic partner.

 

If he can't make a decision and enforce boundaries now...what happens later on in your relationship with him?.

 

This is such a good point. You say that your relationship with him right now is perfect, and he is perfect....but he is not perfect. He has a major personality flaw that affects his ability to be a good partner. That isn't a function of who he is with--something that will magically go away when he is with you. That is who he is. That is something that will likely resurface later in your relationship.

[Irishlove]

I'm going to be the bad OW here. I would not have let the love of my life go. If he doesn't love her then he needs to divorce her and do the right thing by being with you. Is he willing to divorce? I must have missed that someone where.

If there is nothing left in their marriage they need to end it respectivley.

Love is hard to find. If he IS the one, don't let him go. Save all your bad com ments to me please. It's just my two cents

[spice4life]

What a horrible situation to be in. I really really feel for you. I'm with irishlove on this one...I couldn't send the one I love back into those circumstances. I would find another way because it's obvious he does not want to be there. He needs to find the strength to not let her get to him if he truly truly does not love her anymore. No one has a right to hold someone captive like that if they truly want out. Her family needs to intervene and get her into treatment and hold down the fort until she calms down and lets go.

 

Wow...you must be ripped up inside over this. A serious intervention needs to happen in this case.

[Mimolicious]

What a horrible situation to be in. I really really feel for you. I'm with irishlove on this one...I couldn't send the one I love back into those circumstances. I would find another way because it's obvious he does not want to be there. He needs to find the strength to not let her get to him if he truly truly does not love her anymore. No one has a right to hold someone captive like that if they truly want out. Her family needs to intervene and get her into treatment and hold down the fort until she calms down and lets go.

 

Wow...you must be ripped up inside over this. A serious intervention needs to happen in this case.

 

Bolded- I agree. One day she will turn around and laugh at the both of MM and AP, because don't think that it will be peachy everafter. (For her sake, I hope she gets it together). She doesn't have any beefy brothers that can break couple of ribs while they are at it? Just saying...

 

This MM doesn't love anyone! Not "loving" someone anymore doesn't give you the right to do what he has done. In reality, this dude falls short from the definition of a "MAN". He has no testicles.

 

People get back what they put out. I hope this BS gets it together and is able to move on. There are 6 billion people on this planet. Minus the ones that are taken and the ones that do same sex R's umm... There is still a high ratio of available GOOD MEN. Why think life has ended because one doesn't want to be with you. What a waste...

 

AP- I feel for you. Don't think you are any different than his W. Look at all the energy you are wasting on a worthless situation. pfft!

 

Let's see how long it will last.

[TurboGirl]

This is how I see it.

 

He found out she is on a dating site and is dating. He got jealous could not handle it and can not stand the thought of his wife moving on. Fantasy broken. He is lying to you. Married men lie.

 

What man who is so in love with you is just going to go back to his wife because she is sad and not moving on? Sorry that would just make it work.

 

I find it odd that he moved on and had an affair during the marriage but you feel 2 months is not enough time for her to grieve and start dating again when he is living with you. He moved on during the marriage and yet 2 months after dday is not long enough for her to date?

 

I'm sorry you are hurting but he is lying. He wants to go home.

 

Agree with GG here.

 

Miranda, 6 months is a very very short time! Still honeymoon period, where it's all love & roses. You don't know what the hard times would be like with this guy.

 

Anyway, even though you "sent him home to wifey" I would bet money on it that he will be running back to you for some of that great sex as soon as things either a) get smoothed over with the wife or b) the wife decides she doesn't want him anymore & kicks him out.

 

Hopefully you have had enough of the drama and will focus on yourself and why you ended up with this MM in the first place, and finding a nice single guy who is really available to be with you.

[MissGuided]

Miranda, you have done the right thing.

I know exactly your pain right now, my man who i lived with for 10 months and who had filed for divorce just suddenly announced one week ago that he was going back to his wife. who cheated on him!!!

I should have known really, he loved me so much, more then he ever did her, best sex ever, real connection, blah blah and blah.

but when she called he was such a coward, would let her manipulate him ALL THE TIME etc

oh did i mention he did this to me when i was in another country visiting family? yep. i came back and all his stuff was gone, he loved me so much but he just upped and left, me and my 3 year old daughter to boot!

he wont even say why just that he felt he owed it to her and him to give the marriage another chance. I think he just cracked coz he was p***ywhipped by her and her family for so long (4 years)

Im shell shocked, heartbroken, totally devestated. I know how you feel.

but believe me if this guy of your is so weak to just leave you like that without a fight, trust me he would have done it eventually. i think you saved yourself more hurt down the road. At least you still got your pride because YOU did it. good luck hun

[JMacGirl26]

Honestly? If he were a REAL man he would take this opportunity to GET HIS OWN DAMN PLACE AND GROW THE HELL UP.

 

I'm done with this twisted situation. Both women have been on this forum crying and ranting and raving about how hurt they are, they both need to wake up and realize this man is a HUGE PoS and needs to be thrown out with the trash. He couldn't be a man and make his own damn decision, so he just waited for one of the women to make the decision for him. Lame.

 

I have not been privy to all the convos regarding this "situation." I do, however, agree that he needs to grow some balls, be a man, and make a damn decision already. I just don't think it's that hard to decide whether you want to be with another person or not. I'm sure going through a divorce is not a desirable thing, but sometimes it just has to happen. I mean, is the alternative better? Going back and forth between two women? Having 2 women fight over you? PUHLEEZE. He sounds like a wimp to me. He sits there and lets you two fight over him and he knows you both want him.

 

I've been in a relationship where my boyfriend kept breaking up w/me and then getting back with his h.s. sweetheart. Then they'd break up and I'd take him back. It wore on me mentally and I felt I was about to lose my mind. He would tell me he was in love with two women. So one day when he was having one of his "stomach aches" because he was torn between the two of us, I told him I'd make up his mind for him. I walked out and never saw him again. He called and wanted to "be friends," said he would miss me and miss talking to me, Too bad!! You can't always get what you want! I told him to leave me alone and that I wanted no further contact with him. The bad thing was, we worked together, which just intensified the whole situation. I ended up quitting my job and never seeing him again until years down the road when he contacted me yet again to get together.

 

Us women need to realize what we are worth. We need to have more confidence than this. It took me a long time to realize that I was better than being 2nd best to someone. it's the hardest thing in the world to leave someone you love and I spent many days/nights crying and being very depressed. But in the long run, I knew it was the right thing to do!

Edited April 28, 2011 by JMacGirl26

[spice4life]

I have not been privy to all the convos regarding this "situation." I do, however, agree that he needs to grow some balls, be a man, and make a damn decision already. I just don't think it's that hard to decide whether you want to be with another person or not. I'm sure going through a divorce is not a desirable thing, but sometimes it just has to happen. I mean, is the alternative better? Going back and forth between two women? Having 2 women fight over you? PUHLEEZE. He sounds like a wimp to me. He sits there and lets you two fight over him and he knows you both want him.

 

I've been in a relationship where my boyfriend kept breaking up w/me and then getting back with his h.s. sweetheart. Then they'd break up and I'd take him back. It wore on me mentally and I felt I was about to lose my mind. He would tell me he was in love with two women. So one day when he was having one of his "stomach aches" because he was torn between the two of us, I told him I'd make up his mind for him. I walked out and never saw him again. He called and wanted to "be friends," said he would miss me and miss talking to me, Too bad!! You can't always get what you want! I told him to leave me alone and that I wanted no further contact with him. The bad thing was, we worked together, which just intensified the whole situation. I ended up quitting my job and never seeing him again until years down the road when he contacted me yet again to get together.

 

Us women need to realize what we are worth. We need to have more confidence than this. It took me a long time to realize that I was better than being 2nd best to someone. it's the hardest thing in the world to leave someone you love and I spent many days/nights crying and being very depressed. But in the long run, I knew it was the right thing to do!

 

I wasn't privy to all of the details before and I now retract what I said earlier and totally agree with this and what the others are saying. The fact that he can't stand up for himself speaks volumes about who he is. He definitely needs to GROW UP and get a set and quit involving others in his own internal drama. Mirana, you did the right thing...you can't save him, he needs to save himself. If he can't then you dodged a VERY big bullet!

 

So both the OW and the BS are posting on this site? Yikes!

[miranda3379]

I am trying very hard to be strong right now. I made him take his stuff but he did not go back to his wife. He went home and he said he was going to tell her he was coming home to work things out but she was asking him all these questions about why WON'T he work things out and that she loves him more than anything, forgives him etc, that she can't eat (has lost 20 lbs) can't sleep, is messing up at her job and might get fired. The house was a mess and all they did was argue. He said when he got there he thought he was doing the right thing but he doesn't ever think he will love her again, Not like she loves him and he said she doesn't deserve to be tied down with someone who just doesn't feel the same way about her. He said something very selfish (said I knew if I went back, her pain stops but mine begins and I don't think it would ever end.) He said he feels like going back is a prison sentence and his wife deserves someone who will look at her the way he looks at me and think she is the best thing in the world. he said he doesn't feel that way. So he said nothing to her about working things out, didn't tell her I ended things, he just walked out again. Went to a buddy's house. He asked me if he could come back and I said no. (yay me) even though more than anything I wanted to say yes.

 

He is staying with his friend for now. Maybe he will get sick of that and go back. We talked on the phone for awhile. I know he was telling me the truth because his wife texted me several times last night first begging me to just send him home to work on things and if it doesn't work out she will let him go. that she just wants a chance to prove she can make their marriage work. Told me she has no one else, doesn't ever want anyone else. When I just responded that he can make his own decisions she got mad and started threatening to kill me and make sure I lose my job. I could have told her that I did let him go and he still didn't return so its not just me that he's staying away for but I didn't want to inflict any more pain on her. I sort of understand her pain more now. I know it has to be horrible to lose someone you were with for so many years. I miss him because we were in the good stage of a relationship. The part where you love and miss eachother with such intensity. Where everything is good. So that is what I yearn for. But if he'd ever told me he didn't love me or wanted to be with someone else, I wouldn't fight for him. Because why would I want to waste my life trying to be someone I'm not so someone might love me again? That is the part I don't understand about her.

 

Someone said something about how did he lose feelings for his wife so quickly yet she's not expected to get over him quickly (2 months)? I don't think I am the sole reason he doesn't feel the same about her anymore. I don't think he ever loved her with an intensity or felt that he HAD to have her. I think it was more of a nuturing "let me take care of you" type of love. She had a young son when they met and unstable parents and came from a rough home. They didn't get married till 9 years after dating. I know obviously he did love her and took care of her for many years and I know that he had another affair 10 years ago and fell very hard for that AP. He missed her until he met me. They were still in contact (not an affair) and he stopped all contact with her when he met me. So he stopped contact with her when he fell in love again but not for his wife. (I didn't ask him to stop contacting her, he just did) So I really think he was checked out of his marriage before I came along. That is why he has little feelings for his wife. Not saying that is right. He is the type of guy who hates to be alone (another red flag, I know) so I'm guessing this is why he didn't file for a divorce before he had any affairs.

 

I could be (and hope I am) totally wrong because I would hate to be married to someone who didn't see me as his first choice. I feel bad for her and wish I'd never gotten involved in this mess to begin with.

 

I'm trying to be strong and just let him be and ignore his calls but its hard to go cold turkey. If he does get back with his wife I will go total no contact with him. Because I will not settle for the back and forth.