Resents, hope, inequality, and the decision of decisions. A dismal Easter.

[Salt]

Ripped from my private journal. Facts: 3 1/2 years together, her: divorced two kids (6 and 10 -- turn 7 and 11 this month), recently got her graduate degree in counseling, highly religious, anxiety issues -- both Christian, both high IQ, and both conservative minded. Me: Never married, came to Christianity a few years ago, Pharmacy school, daughter 21(and long out of house), sick but recovering well from neurosarcoidosis(NS) ( like MS+lupus, not pleasant, often fatal), I lost everything when NS hit-- home, job, fiance, family, you name it...So this is my rebound from years of deprivation, and her rebound from a nasty divorce. Next year I begin medical school for pharmacy, which is quite a lot considering I had to relearn how to walk, talk, write, and a lot of other things. The only restrictions I have are diet, I have to limit my time in the sun (NS doesn't process vitamin D right), and I have fatigue from the chemotherapy I'm on to stay healthy Other fact that is important: Without state health care I would be unable to afford the medicines keeping me alive, and it will remain so for at least another year.

 

 

 

I really could use some other peoples thoughts here. I've been trying to change the dynamics of this relationship, and I'm finding it very difficult to justify a cold hard decision either way to either stick or out, or cut bait, and move on. She has more qualities I find desirous in a wife than anyone I've ever met, but if this dynamic remains in place -- it wont work for me.

 

 

 

 

 

While I don't think there isn't anything that isn't fixable; I have some pretty ugly feelings at the moment. Some of this is a consequence of not speaking to issues as they arose, some of it is the situation, and some of it is her expectations that I am finding quite unequal given what is offered in return.

 

 

There are a great many things that are good here. In terms of the qualities she holds that I find desirous in a wife, she has come closer than anyone I have ever met. My blood pressure drops when she enters the room, and I feel calm. On the whole I love who she is, and her values. I have much invested, and its not without great consequence to fail to resolve issues either way.

 

 

However, there are problems. Easter weekend just drew them to a head for me, and I've been feeling a ton of resents since.

 

 

Why Easter is triggering such a negative reaction in me is that it reminded me of other events, and it triggered a flood of everything coming back at once, plus what I had to do to make that weekend possible at all, the price I paid for it, the knowing I wont have another one that is possible for several weeks (time pressures -- school, PCAT. fatigue, medical-school admissions merry go round), feeling slighted during it when it came to the tasks that had be done. I felt like “She got everything she wanted on it; I'm 0 for 5, and the price I'm paying for it is too high to walk away 0 for 5. I care for the things she wants & needs, but I'm not seeing the same care for the things I want, and need. The things which would make this easier for me.”

 

 

 

Coupled with a revelation I'm not purely loved for who am I, but what I can or can't do is the determination in that (which is not unexpected, I do understand it, and do understand hypergamy, but given the experiences I have had in my life – I had hoped that would be otherwise. This alone makes me feel less secure in any resolution, because with what I've experienced due to NS -- despite the treatment working -- I never know if I can count on my body, and life is unpredictable. In combination with a growing to-do list, the lack of attention paid to what would make things easier for me, the lack of a firm commitment: it makes me feel a lot like a means to an end, rather than an end. It also makes me feel like should I make a different set of choices which might be better for me down the road, it would be at the cost of this. Its reminded me of a thought that if I were not headed for pharmacy school, none of this would be happening now.)

 

 

The Events:

 

 

 

• Easter weekend
  

 

• Indianapolis – What I wanted got pushed to last, and didn't happen.
  

 

• Recurring affection Issue (even if it has been improving as of late).
  

 

• Ring Issue (Even if it got solved eventually, it still left a mark.)
  

 

• The many weekends where what I wanted, and what was a priority for me got pushed aside; even with extra time commitment on my part.
  

 

• The complete lack of empathy the first time I brought up the dysgraphia issue on a day where I was truly feeling terrible, and having my own meltdown of sorts.
  

 

• The reaction to being abused, and threatened where I was staying. (This is important for another reason, that will make this contrast very important, and very clear.)
  

 

• Ditch & Drainage Issue (Still very much present, and being asked by her, expected by her, to do something I still have some very active resents over, and am not terribly inclined to want to touch.)
  

 

• Other smaller things, but there is a pattern here.
  

 

 

 

 

Easter Weekend – no point in going through that again. It can't be fixed, not entirely her or my fault – but we both have a role in it, and the only thing I can do with it is forgive it, and let it go. Makes no difference in the sense that the end result is the same. I'm mad at her, mad at me, and mad at the situation. I'll get over that, and in isolation it wouldn't have been as big. What it triggered though, needs to be dealt with.

 

 

Indianapolis – Hours of kids fighting in the car, a panicky, and really very hostile reaction to me needing to stop for directions in a city that I am not terribly familiar with, and don't have a decent map to --- or any map at all to be honest. Plus the only thing I really wanted on the trip being moved so far to last it didn't happen. I made plans to see a friend there, and he committed his time as well for that. I ticked off someone close to me by breaking those plans, and it was important to me. I seethed all of the way home on that trip, and though I forgave it, and wrote most of it off to circumstances – it came back to mind.

 

 

Recurring affection issue: Yes, it has been getting better, and yes she has made a real effort there recently, and yes it is appreciated. However, it goes to that feeling of what I need not being made important. We obviously still have some things to resolve there, and I'm battling some emotional things with her that trump logic with the pain issue & affection. Maybe she feels rejected when I can't stand to be touched. That absolute of not being able to be touched is rare. The more common is some area hurts, but she withdrawals completely when that occurs, rather than just touch me somewhere else. Perhaps I'm handling that wrong, and need to be more sensitive to her there. I don't know, but it needs a conversation sometime. It wont happen any time soon though, I don't have the hours to give her to make that happen any time soon in person.

 

 

Ring Issue: She finally stepped up, and did it. She still missed the point – which was I wanted her to pick out a ring that said how she felt about me. On the other hand, I would be hard pressed to argue that I couldn't have had any ring in the store of my choosing. I very likely could have. (Even after 3 + years, this is not an engagement ring, its merely a symbol of commitment.) If I could have found a wider band in white gold I would have picked that. I do, however, love the ring I have very much, and it means a great deal to me. She has apologized to me for such a long delay (*more than a year since I flat out told her it was important to me), done what I had asked, and I like the end result – so why do I mention it? Its importance is that it goes to the question of what I am building, what I am being asked to do, and what is offered in return. I've looked at the ring on her finger for a very long time, and the evidence of what I do for her is in the kitchen, the bedroom, the living room, and other areas reminding me of it. Its something I can look at that is tangible, and matters to me. It just a very long time to get her to recognize the importance, and I don't know if I hadn't pushed for her & I to go out the door that day if it would have happened on her own, or put that off for many more moons. Its probably not fair to hold her to account for something that is a probability for an event which didn't happen because an alternate course was taken, but emotionally it has been excogitative material. It ties in with an issue that is in her personality, and an area of virtue that she (and sometimes I) quite frankly lack a bit in, namely procrastination.

 

 

The many weekends issue: What can I say, its a reality. Much of it is tied in with the affection issue, but I think about how many times I tried to pry her into going out, going to the recplex, or anything other than dinner out (which she will almost always agree to). Lets leave it as, we've both promised things not delivered here, and some of this is just reality that people disappoint, and you don't always get everything you want, and not everything goes according to plan. However, more often than not I am on the other end of that promise when its something that could have been done to make it happen, but wasn't done. I've let most of that slide, she was in graduate school, and has other obligations, but when it comes to choices like having the little ones between the two of us – sometimes it feels like “Gee, you didn't know that would happen? Even though it happened 60 out of 63 times before?? Really? Reaaaaaaallllyy?” or procrastination until what was wanted is simply impossible, or not going to be fulfilling, e.g., she knows I'm really wanting attention, affection, or sex, and she waits until she is absolutely dead tired (no matter what hints I give her) to drift off to the bedroom. Sometimes its in reverse. She tells me she wants church to be a priority that weekend, so I get up early, and I try to get the kids up, and going – and then she wants to stay in bed. The procrastination issue reared its head on Easter weekend, and its a large part of why that ended up not working how we had planned.

 

 

The near complete lack of empathy when I was having a truly awful day with dysgraphia. I've fought hard to overcome a lot of things on the path to wellness. Neurosarcoidosis took a LOT away from me at once, and I had to fight to get every single thing I have back, and still continue to have to fight. I learned to talk again, I learned to type again, I had to relearn how to walk properly (it was a struggle), I had to relearn most of the fine movements to be able to play guitar again, and many others. I haven't given the dysgraphia issue its full attention, and I'm paying for it. Its also an issue that takes much longer to get back than dysphasia (speech) does. Dysgraphia is the difficulty, or the inability to write after some type of traumatic brain injury to the frontal lobes. It is tied in both with broca's area, and wernicke's area. The pathways involved are: audio processing, pathways in the brain that control fine motor movements, the ones that control verbal recall, speech, and even some areas that link to visual recall. Its a lot harder to relearn to write in say cursive than it is to relearn to talk again. There are a lot more pathways in the brain involved, and it usually takes years longer than does speech. I am fortunate that my dysphasia was rather mild, but my dysgraphia is in the moderate category, and it is severe enough to be a real problem given what I am trying to do.

 

 

 

Long story short: I have some anger with myself for not working on this more, but as speech was the priority, and I could get by with speech, plus having relearned the ability to type well I didn't pay it the proper attention I should have. That caught up with me during a midterm exam(every single bit of it long answer, and essay, and no option to do it any other way than by hand), and I was truly despondent over this. I didn't even finish the exam because I had such great difficulty writing it out in manuscript (I do not have cursive back fully, and even manuscript is a challenge to me because of the degree of concentration required to make those muscle movements, while keeping tense, structure, and other things essential to writing well in my head.). I knew the answer to every single question on the exam, its something I should have gotten 98% on or better, but instead I got a 79% on it. Some would say why cry? Well, I was a 3.85 student before getting sick, and it pains me greatly trying to get into medical school to still have weaknesses I need to overcome.

I talked to her about it that day after class. I was nearly in tears. I was feeling about as low, and frustrated as one can be without wanting to end my life. Here is this other thing that I need to get down in the next X weeks to do well on the next exam, and I know I can't do that in the time allotted; much less with the other demands, and I am going to pay for it. If I don't deal with it, I'm going to pay for it all of my career. It was something I had on the agenda for the second summer, and I abandoned it during that. (Yes, my choices there too – I'm not discounting my own responsibility here!) The reality is it would have taken even longer than that to have a hope of fixing it, but it reminded me of the consequences of choices I've made under some assumptions that might not be true. Anyway, she didn't have a lot of empathy for me. It was as if telling her anything which showed any weakness upon my part was purely a mistake, and I immediately regretted telling her anything about it. I wasn't met with sympathy, I was met with what I perceived as indifference to the great deal of suffering, and pain I was experiencing. It reminded me of how many times I have held her during meltdowns, listened actively, given love, acceptance, and sympathy when she needed it. Here is this moment that I truly do need those things, and she is brushing it off like its nothing, or just wanting to avoid it because it doesn't fit with her image of me – that I have my moments of weakness, true agony, pain, and do get overwhelmed by it. I don't often have conversations with her where I felt like I should have just kept to myself, but that one, I felt like I should have just hung up the phone, and been by myself. I was tired, sad, and I felt all the more worse for having shared a personal struggle with her. It wasn't a good feeling at all.

 

 

One of the wonders of getting sick, I had to move back in with my folks. (initially was not much choice. I had paralysis in my hands, legs, and speech was taken away). Even in the best of times those relationships are not terribly good. They want their own space to enjoy their golden years without interference, and without me. To be blunt, they are outright abusive: verbally, mentally, and sometimes physically. I do not trust the situation of “relative calm” to hold for very long. That situation escalated severely not long ago, and one of them pushed it to physical confrontation to where I was slammed against a wall, and hit repeatedly. I could not strike back lest I lose my place to live; humble, and under poor conditions & terms as it is. I lived daily under threat of not having a place to stay, watching things I owned get pitched because they enjoyed making it uncomfortable for me – and honestly, want me to leave. I think they have it in their mind that the more uncomfortable they make it, this will somehow will change the facts on the ground, and I will leave. The reality is I need another year or two on the experimental treatment before I am well enough to truly be 100% on my own again.

 

 

 

 

I asked K for a place to stay, as I didn't feel like this was going to turn out good. I needed some space to deescalate the situation, and though I knew it might turn into a “not able to go back” situation, I still asked. Its deescalated some on its own, but the short of it, K told me “no” when I asked with some line about it “hurting the relationship”. I wasn't thinking about the relationship, I was thinking about being forced to live in my truck, and what resources I could sell to try to maintain myself during. When she did, I knew that no matter what, I would have to suffer any level of abuse – physical, mental, emotional, and otherwise – in total silence, and without resistance if I wanted to have any hope of what I wanted for my life later(getting my doctorate in pharmacy). Its a lot to ask what I did – but it did make some things clear, and where the limits of loyalty lie. She later tried to say she said, and meant something other, but the first reaction is often the most truthful. The truth is she wasn't willing to make that kind of sacrifice for me, whether she thought it would be returned later or not. Even if she did, it would be on a very temporary basis, and I probably wouldn't rate more than the 4 weeks anyone else does. I could pretend I'm wrong here, and she may (or may not) try to speak to otherwise, but I don't think I would believe it. Nothing draws out the truths like actually having to press the issue. She is afraid of having to support me, or make hard sacrifices for me. Its understandable, but its uncomfortable to know that line is less than I had thought, and hoped. It has made me really question: What am I building with her? What is its worth?

 

 

The ditch, drainage, and erosion project. When I agreed to do this for her, it was out of kindness to do a very large favor for someone I loved, and with some understanding, rightly or wrongly, that I was investing in something that I had a future in. 180+ft of 3ft trenching on a difficult slope that had to be done by hand, rock & sand hauled in, piping cut, concrete poured, terraces rebuilt, some regrading of the backyard … not a trivial task. This was, and is a major undertaking; it was not a small sacrifice of time, energy, pain, labor, endurance, and even health to do – even if its not complete.

 

 

It was also agreed to that whatever materials, equipment, and extra labor needed would be provided, and that she would take care of it. I made it clear that I would not be able to do this fully on my own within the time frame projected (summer break), that I needed help to be able to complete it; this help was agreed to by her in a promise to me. I was told she would take care of it, make the arrangements, and pay for the extra labor needed. I gave up my summer to do it, and much of the next one.

 

 

 

 

How it worked out: If labor was needed, I had to arrange for it by myself. If materials were needed, it was an issue. Her end of that bargain was not upheld. I had already invested twice, and then some in time doing a job I had budgeted for 3 people for, by myself, and discovered much more that needed to be done properly along the way. I had borrowed materials, and equipment from my dad to do the job, and ended up having to keep them much longer (to the strain of my relationship with my dad – usually the more reasonable of my parental units) than planned. I also gave up the things would that time could have been spent working on other things that would have been beneficial directly to me, and would have made my life much easier during, and in the semester in the fall.

 

 

 

Tonight she brought it up, with an almost assumption that I would tackle this. I had already told her, I would not do this project under the terms it was under before, and I have no real desire to touch it now. (There is a larger issue here, and I will get to that.) It did not help matters that I was told just to “fill it in” at one point. This generated much anger. On her side, she now has some water in her basement (though its not likely from that, its probably not helpful for her mindset at the moment).

 

 

The to-do list: (Bold for a reason.) She thought nothing of the assumption that I would be back out digging the ditch, completing that project. She stated it tonight like it was an assumption that I had already agreed to, and I am far from having agreed to it. Oh, yeah, she says she is willing to make some effort for the other labor (which will be paid)... This was with a subtle complaint that her gutters might be overflowing. Hey, I've cleaned them out several times, and dangerously cut the tree limbs back to protect her roof from them. Although its difficult for me to be in the sun, I've tried to tend to the landscaping, and other issues when I've had time, and many other household needs. I've mowed the lawn a great many times, and tended to all variety of things when I had the time. While I'm not perfect with it, I do cook, I do clean, I do often do the dishes, and put them away. I try to make sure the dogs are fed, and have water. I do buy things to support the house (I dropped $110 on a fan for the bedroom as a case in point, and another $200 on tools for certain projects recently, a TV for the bedroom, a couch, other things.). I haven't minded much such tasks as changing the battery in her car, or adjusting the locks, painting, stripping out the caulk, and putting new caulk in the kid's bathroom. There is much that needs to be done, and her ex husband left a lot of things unattended for the last several years of their relationship, e.g., when I did get to the gutters they were completely full to the brim, and had plants growing in them at every point along the way – this had caused mold to grow on the side of the house. I did the gutters, but didn't have an easy way to deal with the mold without having to shell out for a set of ladders that would have been a bit expensive (but worth it in the long run for other projects).

I'm pretty far from a jerk, and I'm not a perfect saint either. I do keep an area there somewhat messy, and I know it bothers her. I've tried, more often than not, to be responsive to that need as of late, but I know I don't always do things like make the bed, or not make a bit of mess somewhere else. I try to be considerate on the whole, and I ask her often if there is anything she needs while I am out shopping, and I take care of it. When I felt I was free to, I tried to help her with the kids more. She put up boundary, and asked me not to as she was often countering what I was trying to do – we didn't have agreement there. At the same time, I get the demand to be more involved in that, and you know, I have my moments where I really don't know what to do – however, I also have ones like Easter weekend where one of them is out of control for far too long for reasonable tolerance of anyone, and I can't sit quiet forever either without doing something. So who the hell knows what that is at the moment beyond some fuzzy gray area I haven't figured out.

Lets get something crystal clear though. I AM NOT HER HUSBAND. SHE HAS NOT EXPRESSED THE CLEAR DESIRE TO BE MY WIFE, AND HAS NOT MADE ANY KIND OF COMMITMENT IN THIS AREA. ALTHOUGH I HAVE INVESTED IN THE HOUSE, I AM NOT “INVESTED” IN IT IN THE SENSE THAT IT IS MINE; I DO NOT LIVE THERE. EVEN WHEN I NEEDED AN ALTERNATE PLACE TO BE, IT WAS NOT AVAILABLE TO ME (THOUGH SHE MAY CLAIM OTHERWISE, INITIAL REACTION IS THE TRUTH). SHE DOES NOT HELP ME WITH MY SPACE, OR MY PLACE IN THE SAME WAY, NOR HAVE I ASKED HER TO.

Let us get something else clear as well: When it comes to the things that would make my life easier, beyond doing some things for food in the house I can have (restricted diet – no vitamin D), and sometimes being nice enough to close the shades (medical condition – sensitive to light), and making me a cup of tea when I come over – this isn't always a going concern. Yes, she did promise me a room to do music in, and this is not a trivial thing – but this is many months off, if it materializes at all. (I am not unconvinced that the kids music needs, or some other thing wont come to occupy that space, and it will be something that simply doesn't happen. I have my reasons for this belief, and its not unfounded; its a reflection of where she has demonstrated her unwillingness to make me a priority.)

Yet, she feels perfectly free to commit my time to a ton of projects, to ask for me to chip in for a vacation for the summer (even knowing I have far more pressing needs), despite that I cannot get any real commitment from her to justify the investment I am making.

Even if she did make that commitment, I'm not completely unconvinced that this would not remain a largely one-sided transaction. She forgets in her equation, as her 6 (soon to be 7) year old does not: I do not live there. What I give her, and do for her is made more so by the limited energy, and fatigue I endure while undergoing a fairly brutal form of chemotherapy. The equation for energy invested is more so for me because of this.

A few weeks of sickness(flu & pneumonia) in the winter reminded me of just how much that equation holds true. The whole house got sick; myself included. I cared for her, the boys got sick, I cared for them, and then I got sick. Freezing my butt off from chills, after a week plus of caring for her, gave her antibiotics to help the pneumonia, I asked her to simply hold me to help me warm up when I couldn't get warm from the chills. This was met with something far less than enthusiasm, and she drifted into a movie that was only serving to keep me awake when I didn't want to be. Yeah, I became quite irate, and if I had had the energy to leave, and not been horribly sick – I would have, and I did retreat to my own space, despite having to drive through a blizzard as soon as I was able. Did I feel entitled to that moment of comfort? You bet I did, and with very good reason to. Lets be clear about it, reciprocity wasn't working right in that moment. I am just as an emotional being as she is, only that I do not show it as often, and as plainly. All of this had hit a moment where intuitively I knew, and she knew by her actions, and mine, something wasn't right.

 

 

Okay, nothing I didn't know. She wanted me to be fully open to her, but I didn't do that initially because of some screwed up things in myself. I made a vow after that – I would be. The situation was intolerable, and the dynamic needed to change. It still needs to, despite her comment by her: “Whatever I do, its not enough.”, she needs to take stock of the other side of that equation, and put herself in my shoes for a little while, and answer the question: “What is in it for me?”. I consider it a perfectly fair question.

 

 

This isn't to say she isn't kind, or that we don't have (for the most part) one of the most terrific friendships I've ever had. In many ways its the best relationship I've ever had, and she has many of the qualities I find desirous in a wife. However, the question still stands. The house is her house – her problems are her problems, my problems are my problems. To the extent that we try to make things easier for each other … What is she doing to make my life, and tasks ahead of me (which are so obviously important – such as med school – that I would not be in the picture without them – abstraction taken from her own words that me, as I am, am not enough for her, that I need this to be “enough for her”) …

 

 

 

 

She may think all of this a dumping ground, or some kind of **** test. It is far from that. It is the cold, hard, reality that when she said to me “We make a pretty good team” my answer to that was “Yes, for the things that you want.” … I would far more prefer to resolve the issues than walk away. I love her greatly, but something is tainted in her thinking process that she hasn't considered the other side of the equation, and has come to expect what is unreasonable without sacrifices on her part.

 

 

I'm trying to be over my nice guy traits, but the above is putting years of efforts into new light, and the transition between this, and what I would like for this to be – that is seeming much more difficult than I think it should be.

 

 

 

 

 

Its a lot to process, and take in, but its where I'm at tonight.