LoveHurts89 Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 Thank you for taking the time to read this, I hope you can offer me some advice. My partner, S (I can’t refer to him as my ex, it hurts too much), broke up with me almost 9 weeks ago. We had been together for two and a half years. We were due to move in with each other two weeks after he broke it off. He’s 35, I’m 21. The age difference has never been an issue for either of us. He lives above his business. My mum, her friend, my friend, my aunt and cousin all work for him. Leading up to the break up, there had been petty arguments, but nothing serious. And the day of the break up was a petty one also. I ended up saying I don’t even think I want to be with you to which he replied I feel the same. I explained that I didn’t mean it, and he said he did. He called my mum and had her come pick me up. I asked him to think about his decision. This was a Saturday. The Thursday after, I went to his place, which is above where he works, and he said he had to stick to his decision. I went two days later, Saturday, to pick up my things. I got upset and he said just take what I need. I asked if I needed to move on or hold out hope, he said hold out hope. So, we agreed to meet up a few times. Went for meals, we had a day out. Things seemed good. I work in numbers, I’d asked what the percentage chance of getting back together was (this is just the way my mind works, not him playing games), and he said 65/35. After a day out, he’d said 75%. So I was hopeful. There were a lot of things I could have done better in the relationship. If he had to work late, or cancel a night out due to work, I’d flip. But I knew from day one he had an important job so I should have respected that. Anyway, one Sunday night whilst we were broke up, but still meeting, he had to cancel, and I accepted it. We went out Monday instead. But the following Sunday, he cancelled again and I got upset, sent him loads of messages. He then asked for a week of space, minimal contact. After this, he said he still didn’t know what he wanted, so had to say it’s over. It’s been like this since. I had an operation, and he didn’t come visit as he said I’d read in to it too much. Since then, there have been text messages exchanged. And I do get carried away. I say things like, when we’ve sorted things, shall we book a break to Paris? Or, shall we do this, do that. We purchased a bed together. However, I paid slightly more for it as I bought the mattress. It may seem materialistic to some people, but I’ve told him if we don’t sort things, we have to sell it. I would be tortured mentally if I heard he’d moved on and I knew another woman was in a bed with him that I’d paid for. Anyway, Saturday just gone, he said ok, we’ll sell the bed when I get back from holiday if nothing changes between us, I go in two weeks. So, that to me implies that there could be something. The conversation ended between us with me asking him not to forget me when he goes away, and he said I won’t forget you babe. I sent him a few texts that day, to which he didn’t reply. So, Sunday, I text him and asked if I could call. On the phone, he asked me not to text him for a while, short term. I don’t know what short term means. He didn’t give a reason behind it, didn’t say whether it was for space to think freely, or if it was just a less harsh way of saying stay out of my life. When I asked what he meant by short term, he said he’d text me. Anyway, yesterday, it got too much for me trying to work out WHY we’re not texting, whether it’s for space or whether he knows it’s over. So I text to ask for clarity and promised I wouldn’t text him again, I just wanted to know this. He never replied. So today, I feel incredibly low. Spent most of my day in the toilet cubicle crying. My mum, who works for him, has kept out of it all the way through. But I’ve asked her if she could maybe talk to him today. Not too in-depth, just maybe see if she can get some clarity as to what the reasoning is behind this no texting. I know it isn’t a good idea to get others involved, but it’s just so unfair that I don’t know why I’m doing this. He’s very aware that I want to work things out. It’s just a bit cruel me not knowing. I’m sat here thinking maybe he just wants space, when in reality, he could just be thinking, ok, that’s that over. He’s cried just as much as I have over this. He’s said he loves me, but isn’t sure if he loves me in the way needed for a relationship. He’s told me he’s only ever been hurt once in the past. And he’s never cried over a girl, except me. I wonder if this other girl who broke his heart, if she hurt him. Whether he thought his future was with her and she hurt him. I wonder if, as we were due to move in, he got scared, thought that if he lets himself fall too deep, he’ll get hurt again. I don’t know. All I know is that I love this man with all of my heart, and I truly truly miss him. I just don’t know what to do. Nine weeks is such a long time to be in a state of utter pain and confusion. I just want him back. I don’t understand the games behind “winning” somebody back. I’ve been told not to contact him, and I know this’ll give him space. I’ve been told to go out, have a great time, post pictures on Facebook so he’ll see and he’ll realise he’s not the be all and end all. But I’m not in the frame of mind to go out and have a good time. And why make him think life is great without him? It isn’t. I wouldn’t want him back if it was. I’m not in to mind games. As I say, I love him, I miss him, and I want him back. I’m not a game player. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you, Maria. xx
Author LoveHurts89 Posted April 28, 2011 Author Posted April 28, 2011 I guess there isn't any advice you guys can give then Thanks for reading though x
doubtfulwonder Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 It's not about "games" per se, but it's about living your life regardless of what he is doing. He probably wants his space and time to think about his own life, what he wants, etc. Give him that space. He said he would text you. I know you don't have definitive answers when that will happen...but if you keep trying to msg him or contact him, it might push him away more. You really should go out do other things. If anything, it will serve as a distraction. If you just stay at home (let's say), and be by yourself...you will start having all these sad thoughts in your head. I have forced myself to go out too even when I absolutely had no desire to because of being depressed. It does help! Even if it doesn't seem like much. Enjoying life shouldn't be 100% reliant on an SO, but should complement the rest of your life when you have a partner. If he saw that you can still have a good time, it doesn't necessarily reflect because he's not in the picture.
Author LoveHurts89 Posted April 28, 2011 Author Posted April 28, 2011 Thank you so much for replying. I know I need to be stronger, and do more. I'm sure I'll get there in the end. Hey, it's not like I'm the only broken hearted girl in the world x
doubtfulwonder Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 That's the right mentality And yep you aren't the only one. But we'll get through it one way or another! Just try to keep busy as much as you can. Whether it's hanging out with friends, reading, or doing activities you always liked that maybe didn't have time for before.
todd Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 I don’t understand the games behind “winning” somebody back. I’ve been told not to contact him, and I know this’ll give him space. I’ve been told to go out, have a great time, post pictures on Facebook so he’ll see and he’ll realise he’s not the be all and end all. But I’m not in the frame of mind to go out and have a good time. And why make him think life is great without him? It isn’t. I wouldn’t want him back if it was. I’m not in to mind games. As I say, I love him, I miss him, and I want him back. I’m not a game player. Thank you, Maria. xx There is no winning someone back. If they want to be with you they will break down a door to make it known. This time should be for your own self improvement now. You can not change his mind or make him do anything he doesn't want to do. What needs to happen now is you removing yourself from his life until he finds out what he truly wants. You need to respect his distance and go NC for awhile. This period isn't a tool to get him back, its time for you to heal and grow into your own just in case he never does comes back again. The worst thing you can do is wait around for him to make up his mind for the next couple months just to find out they he has met someone else and gone into a relationship with them, leaving u a square one. Atleast now you are focusing on yourself and letting him do the same to figure out his feelings. You need to move on and not hold on to hope. It might happen again for you two in the future, it might not, but you can't be focused on it right now. Look through some of the NC links on how to go about it. Basically dont fall for crumbs, perhaps start working out more to get confidence back, and get involved in activities and hobbies you might have let go of in the past. Good luck.
Irishlove Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 There is no winning someone back. If they want to be with you they will break down a door to make it known. This time should be for your own self improvement now. You can not change his mind or make him do anything he doesn't want to do. What needs to happen now is you removing yourself from his life until he finds out what he truly wants. You need to respect his distance and go NC for awhile. This period isn't a tool to get him back, its time for you to heal and grow into your own just in case he never does comes back again. The worst thing you can do is wait around for him to make up his mind for the next couple months just to find out they he has met someone else and gone into a relationship with them, leaving u a square one. Atleast now you are focusing on yourself and letting him do the same to figure out his feelings. You need to move on and not hold on to hope. It might happen again for you two in the future, it might not, but you can't be focused on it right now. Look through some of the NC links on how to go about it. Basically dont fall for crumbs, perhaps start working out more to get confidence back, and get involved in activities and hobbies you might have let go of in the past. Good luck. ^^^^agree^^^^
hurtex Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 I am in the same exact place you are. I pushed and pushed to show how wonderful we were together. I bought tickets to sporting events we normally go to. I bought him gifts. I showered him with love and all he wants is space. I'm on day 10 of no contact. I finally broke down and said ok I'll give you space if that's what you need to miss me. I am petrified he will move on and be done with me. I don't really know what to do either but you're not alone. :/
ShoeGurl1973 Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 Im posting on here lately because i just got dumped by my bf. But I was engaged to a great guy once, for 8 years. I know, a long time to be "engaged", which is eventually what led me to break up with him. There was no hard feelings, or hate, minor issues but since we didn't seem to be moving towards marriage anytime soon i started hanging out more with my friends and felt we grew apart a little. Looking back and seeing me when I was on the other side of the fence as the dumper....my dumpee constantly emailed me and called and wanted to have friendly dinners. I was in such a bad place in my head, not knowing what i wanted at all, needing to figure things out, that it was so hard trying to accomodate his communications without pushing him away. Weekly, he was there texting or calling and I never got my "space". If you keep hounding someone that wants to be alone, it will simply reiterate in their mind that you will always be there so they don't have to really make any choice right now. It wasn't until not hearing from him for a couple weeks, that turned into a couple months, that I felt I truly missed HIM. I picked up the phone and found out he was dating someone finally. it hurt, alot actually. My point is this - the BEST thing you can do when someone tells you they don't want to be with you is to absolutely give them NC so they truly feel what life WITHOUT you is like. Once they get a taste of it, most of the times they'll wake up and realize what they are missing.
hurtex Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 Thank you for that response shoegurl. I'm going to keep looking at that when I want to contact him! I was also the one who did not want to get back together for months... and then I turned around and came back to him. I'm scared that he's moved on or is bitter from having to wait :/ This is too hard.
Recommended Posts