CrazyMiner Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 As some of you will know my partner of 8 years told me that she wanted to separate from me back in mid-March. I'm 23 and she is 22 so obviously we met at a young age. I wasn't expecting it, we had argued about a week previous to her telling me due to her talking for hours on end to an old friend on the internet (via Skype)... and when I say hours, she would start talking at 11pm and still be going on at 3am. The guy she was talking to is apparently gay (he was when I knew him years ago), but still it seemed very strange that you would talk to ANYONE for that long. So we argued about that as I was recovering from a pretty serious illness and basically wanted a cuddle in bed, and apparently this guy heard us and I think she got a bit embarressed and felt a bit de-faced. A week later we had broken up. Anyway, so that's the 2 second history. So 2 days ago I get a call from her as she is driving back from a weekend away with friends asking how renting our house out is going (we had only just brought a house when she told me we were to separated...). We talked for about 15 minutes and that was it. We were meant to be arranging a meet up as we have done about every 2 weeks since we separated but the only day she would offer me was the night that she was going for dinner at her grandparents and asked if I wanted to come along. I said I would look at my diary, basically not wanting to meet there (as much as I love her grandparents... basically I grew up with them). So I left it as that. As she didn't seem to want to meet I decided that it was time to initiate NC, or as close to it as possible due to the house situation. So I text her asking for her postal address where she was now so that I could send a letter. She then proceeded to text me and call numerous times until I answered as she wanted to know what it was. I didn't tell her what was in the letter, just that since we had talked on the phone I had put my thoughts down onto paper. She then asked for me not to send anything that would upset the 2 of us (e.g. don't send a letter asking for us to get back together... I had already done the begging bit and moved on from it) but also said that she thought we were getting on pretty well at the moment. We then left it as that. A few hours later I turned on my computer in the office that I rarely use and Skype popped up and auto-logged into her account as she had set it to remember her password. It then proceeded to download about an hour of that evenings conversation between her and this gay guy. I must admit I do feel pretty bad for reading it, but I suppose curiosity killed the cat and all that. Basically she tells him shortly after we had spoken that she now feels "really upset and on edge" which is probably due to " being overtired plus caffeine pills plus talking to" me. Then after we had spoken when I text her for her address she says "****, why won't he just leave me alone!", "He's now sending me a postal letter, why he felt he had to tell me that at 1am I don't know", "With his 'thoughts and feelings' in. Think he might be on drugs". And that's where we are. I posted the NC letter yesterday and I'm hoping that it will get there today before the bank holiday weekend as she is going away again. I suppose it might come as a bit of a shock to her that I'm sending a letter to limit contact and not just my 'thoughts and feelings'... putting the ball into my court a bit I suppose. The most hurtful bit is how two faced she appears to have become. When we spoke after I text her for her address she was really nice and seemed happy to be speaking to me, saying how she thought we were getting on well etc. Then she turns round and tells this guys she hasn't had contact with for 6 years or so (but now visits every other week) "****! Why won't he just leave me alone!". She was my partner for 8 years, and I just don't seem to recognise her anymore. I wish I had never read the Skype thing, but you can't turn back time I suppose.
bernardverh Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 It's easier to follow your situation in just one thread, but thanks for the update. Too bad you sent the letter while everyone was telling you it's a terrible mistake. I'm sorry to tell you but this letter won't come as a shock to her. Especially after you told her she will get a letter. The message she will get with this letter is that you are hurt. In her eyes, you drop a bit more in status. Unfortunately. A positive thing in this situation is that you will learn and move on, in the end. It can't go much more worse. After this phase, at the moment you have things under control, you will probably meet a new woman and experience great happiness again.
Author CrazyMiner Posted April 28, 2011 Author Posted April 28, 2011 It's easier to follow your situation in just one thread, but thanks for the update. Too bad you sent the letter while everyone was telling you it's a terrible mistake. I'm sorry to tell you but this letter won't come as a shock to her. Especially after you told her she will get a letter. The message she will get with this letter is that you are hurt. In her eyes, you drop a bit more in status. Unfortunately. A positive thing in this situation is that you will learn and move on, in the end. It can't go much more worse. After this phase, at the moment you have things under control, you will probably meet a new woman and experience great happiness again. I know, I should have listened, but I've always been one to wear my heart on my sleeve. I did change the letter a lot, cut it down and made it less 'lovey' and more to the point with a little bit of "lets stop wasting time" chucked in. What makes it worse is that I sent her an email this morning about house stuff (insurance payments etc) and she has just called me asking if she had done anything wrong as the email was very to the point and didn't contain any niceties. I told her no, everything is fine as she obviously hasn't received the letter yet. She sounded happy on the phone again when I told her nothing was wrong. But, after I got off from her, I so wish I had mentioned I had seen what she had written about me and yes she had certainly done something wrong! Would she have seen this as an invasion of her privacy although unintentionally done? Hell yes! But god it would have made me feel better. After seeing what she had written, to be honest even though we were together for 8 years I'm not sure I would take her back even if she came round now and said she had made a mistake.
Author CrazyMiner Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 So she received my hand written NC/LC letter today. Unfortunately she decided to reply by text... TEXT! after receiving a hand written letter, tut tut! But there we go I suppose. I didn't end up posting on here the final version of the NC/LC letter that I sent her, so for those who have a spare minute or two to read it that would be great: Hi ****, I’ve been sitting here thinking and decided to get my thoughts down onto paper. This letter isn’t meant to be romantic or some lame attempt to win you back, as you’ve made it clear in more ways than one that this isn’t what you want, but do please read it all. We were together for 8 years. Although we had some pretty tough times, we also had some fantastic ones. We grew up together, going from high school to University and then into our careers. We travelled, lived in some wonderful houses and apartments, and even got to stay a few times in a suite at the Waldorf Hilton! But, something went wrong. I hope you know that I don’t blame you for the break up. Yes, it was a shock when you told me, but I’m coming round to understanding and addressing all the reasons why. I agree, I think we became broken. We had trust issues which never really went away, and we became a bit old beyond our years. I am also truly sorry for putting the responsibility for my happiness solely on your shoulders, which was unfair and not conducive to a healthy relationship. I know I’ve treated our separation with all the good grace of a bull in a china shop but I’ve always been one to wear my heart on my sleeve. I’m socialising a hell of a lot more; I’ve started to create a proper circle of friends which is something that I’ve never really pursued since I’ve been in this city, and I’m certainly finding that I don’t have to rely on blonde haired Ben for my sole social interaction anymore! I’ve found a badminton partner, signed up to a touch Rugby league and a team (after speaking to the guy I found out that it’s actually the Didsbury RFC, ironic huh?), and started running, all of which are really allowing me to try new things and just enjoy life a bit more! This next part is very hard for me to say, but as much as I can’t imagine not having you in my life in some capacity, to help both our healing processes a proper period of not meeting and only talking to discuss ‘business’ things like the house is needed. You know how much I care about you, but for both our sakes I feel it is necessary and hope that you understand where I am coming from and that I do it with the best of intentions. I know that you don’t want to be meeting up, feel on edge whenever you talk to me, and seem to have found what you thought you wanted so there is little sense in labouring the point and continuing as we are. I need to move on without you and you are already doing this so at least we will both know where we stand. The last thing I would ever want is for you or I to feel as if we can’t begin to move on when we are trying to be friends, and I feel that without a proper period of time where we’ve taken a further step away from each other this may start to happen, though correct me if I am wrong. I truly believe that it will be a positive and healthy move for the both of us; the chances of us being ‘super friends’ as you put it or even anything more in the future will otherwise potentially be marred with the ‘old us’ and our problems rather than allowing us to be the new ****, and the new ****. We will still have to speak, but during this period of no face to face contact this can be over the phone or by email. Do remember though that if there are ever any real problems or emergencies that I will always be there to answer the phone. I’ve always thought there is something quite quaint and special about hand written letters, and it allows me to get it all across in a succinct manner and lets you read it over at your leisure. I would have posted it to Cleveleys but I know your Nan opens your mail and I didn’t think it would be the best thing for her to be reading at the moment! Best wishes for the future. Love, **** x And this was the text reply that I've just received: Got your letter, completely understand, and your right I think it might be easier, at least for now, if we keep it phone and email based. Thanks for the letter, it was a better idea than I was expecting. Call you later in the week for an update. Hope you had a good wkd x So there we are. A pretty short reply to what was a pretty thought out hand written letter. To be honest I was expecting her to call though I suppose that could have potentially turned nasty. Perhaps she was a bit emotional/was worried that she may get upset on the phone? At least it is a friendly reply. From her reply, it does sound like she is already moving on, though correct me if I am wrong.
iceweasel6 Posted May 4, 2011 Posted May 4, 2011 Your doing the right thing. Take her response with a grain of salt and really enjoy what yo you have going for you. Consider for a moment that the best part of the relationship was you. And now she is without you. Let her feel what it's like be without you. Keep responses short and sweet, if she does contact you. Good luck. I have a feeling something great will come your way, your setting yourself up for amazing things (it always happens when you open yourself up to new experiences).
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