Saraswati57 Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 So, this was a question spawned from an earlier thread. Basically, is the general rule if a guy is insecure about his looks he is unattractive? I've had spurts of confidence due to offers/compliments (in RL and online), but I'm too nervous to go on dates so I don't get any positive reinforcement. I've even posted my pic online, to hear comments like "wow, I totally wasn't expecting that because of the low self-esteem in your posts" or "he must be joking" and a whole host of other compliments I'm not vain enough to repeat. But, I still feel incredibly insecure. Thoughts? I guess I'm ruminating over this because I believe, rightly or wrongly, that looks are very important to women.
alethean Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 So, this was a question spawned from an earlier thread. Basically, is the general rule if a guy is insecure about his looks he is unattractive? I've had spurts of confidence due to offers/compliments (in RL and online), but I'm too nervous to go on dates so I don't get any positive reinforcement. I've even posted my pic online, to hear comments like "wow, I totally wasn't expecting that because of the low self-esteem in your posts" or "he must be joking" and a whole host of other compliments I'm not vain enough to repeat. But, I still feel incredibly insecure. Thoughts? I guess I'm ruminating over this because I believe, rightly or wrongly, that looks are very important to women. That's a good question. I guess I would expect that many attractive guys do know that they are. However, I also know quite a few guys who are for whatever reason uncertain of their physical attractiveness. Some had...um, interesting...upbringing that made them feel insecure about their looks no matter what. Also, as someone who has social anxiety, I have belonged to enough forums, groups, etc. to notice that there are plenty of attractive people (just as there are plenty of other types of people) who have this disorder and self-conscious about their looks. But there are also plenty of guys who know they are attractive and act like they are heaven on earth. What separates these guys from the attractive ones who don't know? I'm not sure. I would say "confidence," but I don't know if that confidence started because they were validated by women, or if they started their own confidence and their physical attractiveness was thus validated by women...if that makes any sense.
Author Saraswati57 Posted April 28, 2011 Author Posted April 28, 2011 There is physical attraction and then there are other kinds of attraction. A woman's general attraction is made of very little to no physical attraction. There have been too many studies to demonstrate this in a variety of ways. When it comes to the physical women are only strongly influenced by height. Everything else like build or a nice face is pretty superfluous. Of course that's unless we are talking about gay men. Gay men are the only ones who appreciate male physical beauty. Well, I definitely have the height down, lol. Also, I thought I read a study where a certain percentage of women were strongly influenced by a man's face as well. Just my rushed view atm.
Pfiend101 Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 There is physical attraction and then there are other kinds of attraction. A woman's general attraction is made of very little to no physical attraction. There have been too many studies to demonstrate this in a variety of ways. When it comes to the physical women are only strongly influenced by height. Everything else like build or a nice face is pretty superfluous. Of course that's unless we are talking about gay men. Gay men are the only ones who appreciate male physical beauty. I dont agree that the general attraction of a woman has little to no in the physical department. Many average woman wont even talk to average men. And vice versa. Some think they are heaven on earth. Though I have seen some super hot women with average guys. I guess its all in the eye of the beholder
nana841121 Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 I think it's a self-evident question , and my answer is yes
HeavenOrHell Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 Every woman is different, some will only go for me who are 'technically' good looking, others will go for personality. I personally find shy men appealing, my last 2 partners have been insecure and shy, I find it more attractive than men who are very sure of themselves or overly confident, and loud people, men or women make me want to run a mile. I'm shy and have my own insecurities too. What makes someone attractive is different for everyone, we don't all fancy the same types of people. IMO if a r/ship is based on personality rather than purely on looks then it will have much more depth and meaning to it and more likely to be longer lasting. So, this was a question spawned from an earlier thread. Basically, is the general rule if a guy is insecure about his looks he is unattractive? I've had spurts of confidence due to offers/compliments (in RL and online), but I'm too nervous to go on dates so I don't get any positive reinforcement. I've even posted my pic online, to hear comments like "wow, I totally wasn't expecting that because of the low self-esteem in your posts" or "he must be joking" and a whole host of other compliments I'm not vain enough to repeat. But, I still feel incredibly insecure. Thoughts? I guess I'm ruminating over this because I believe, rightly or wrongly, that looks are very important to women.
Sivok Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 I've been through both sides. I had socially anxiety when i first entered college, and was insecure about myself. As I stand now, I'm well over that, haven't changed physically, but am very confident about myself. When I was insecure, I'd make eye contact with a beauty, get extremely nervous, dart my eyes away, and avoid her - she was way out of my league. Now, I maintain eye contact (and dont feel nervous at all), smile, and she smiles back - She's in or below my league. What changed between those two scenarios? Confidence. I feel like I'm capable of doing great things and capable of getting anything and anyone I want - this includes a gorgeous woman. Also, think of it this way, why do pretty girls always try and make themselves look even prettier? To weed out the guys like college me who would get intimidated by their beauty. The guy who doesn't get intimidated and is confident in himself is the one who gets the girl (or at least a chance to talk). Problem is, there's a clear line between arrogant and confident (the former is actually a feeling of insecurity where you need to feel better than other people, otherwise you get depressed), this is when alot of attractive girls get stuck with 'bad boy' abusive relationships. So, to answer your question, yes - insecurity is a huge turnoff
A O Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 Basically, is the general rule if a guy is insecure about his looks he is unattractive? In general, insecurity is an unattractive trait period. It is little different to other unattractive behaviors like non-stop cussing.or the opposite of insecurity - an overblown ego. But, I still feel incredibly insecure. The less rounded you are, the higher the likelihood of feeling insecure. Secure people - confident people - have many strings to their bow. They are not reliant on one or two factors to get them by. The more interests you have the more interesting you'll invariably become therefore the more attractive you will be to people in general. I guess I'm ruminating over this because I believe, rightly or wrongly, that looks are very important to women.Looks are important to everyone. But you can, and most people invariably do, get around their (real or perceived) lack of looks by bringing more to the table, be it a sense of humour, a caring nature, thoughtfulness, intelligence and a zillion other positive behavioral traits or likewise, through their achievements or accomplishments they pick up as they go. Looks are important but they are not the be all and end all. .
willma Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 So, to answer your question, yes - insecurity is a huge turnoff Insecurity is a huge turnoff, likely, for both males and females, at least in my observations. A calm, assertive personality with an element of humility is typically a better approach for men and women. Trying to overcompensate for insecurity is another turnoff. Women with way too much make-up, oversized fake boobs, attention-getting attire, and genreally acting like a slut are a turnoff for me because it is often insecurity that is driving the behavior. Men that come off as arrogant, self-important, or brag about themselves are often insecure, and is also turnoff. And....for the women out there, please, please, please STOP putting yourself down in front of your man. Keep it too yourself. That insecure behavior is an incredible turnoff. If you have a man in your life, he's probably physically attracted to you...accept it. The female form is one of the most beautiful of Gods creations...even if you don't fit the stereotypical "ideal" that is promoted in the movies and magazines. Those women are one in a million...so STOP it. They aren't "real" like you, so chin up, chest out, shoulders back, be happy and sexy.
Eeyore79 Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 Basically, is the general rule if a guy is insecure about his looks he is unattractive? I guess I'm ruminating over this because I believe, rightly or wrongly, that looks are very important to women. You look the same on the outside regardless of how you feel on the inside! Whether a guy is insecure has no effect on the way he looks - it may however have an effect on whether a woman is attracted to his personality. Looks are important to women to a certain extent - I like a guy to be taller and heavier than me, and to have at least an average face. Beyond that minimum acceptable level of looks, other factors such as personality come into play in determining attractiveness. While insecurity is unappealing to a lot of females, it's much worse if a guy obviously loves himself and thinks he's god's gift to women. Most women would prefer a guy to be confident but quietly modest. Personally I think a little insecurity is kinda cute, which just goes to show that we're all attracted to different things.
VicJay79 Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 Saraswati: Interesting name for a guy since its a Female Hindu God. Anyway, from my experience women do take into account a guys looks, but its not as HUGE of a role as it is for guys. Now every women is different of course, so this isn't a default standard. I would say this, be a good person, with a good heart, and a true gentleman and you will find your Radha. It will take you a while, because you will have to go through lots of shallow women, but sooner or later she will come into your life. Vic So, this was a question spawned from an earlier thread. Basically, is the general rule if a guy is insecure about his looks he is unattractive? I've had spurts of confidence due to offers/compliments (in RL and online), but I'm too nervous to go on dates so I don't get any positive reinforcement. I've even posted my pic online, to hear comments like "wow, I totally wasn't expecting that because of the low self-esteem in your posts" or "he must be joking" and a whole host of other compliments I'm not vain enough to repeat. But, I still feel incredibly insecure. Thoughts? I guess I'm ruminating over this because I believe, rightly or wrongly, that looks are very important to women.
TruthSetsYouFree Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 There is physical attraction and then there are other kinds of attraction. A woman's general attraction is made of very little to no physical attraction. There have been too many studies to demonstrate this in a variety of ways. When it comes to the physical women are only strongly influenced by height. Everything else like build or a nice face is pretty superfluous. Of course that's unless we are talking about gay men. Gay men are the only ones who appreciate male physical beauty. WOW REALLY?!?! A man's physical beauty is SUPER important! I don't know of any woman who doesn't factor a man's looks into her attraction. Of course, some will be with men because of their money or status, but then these women may fantasize about the hot gardener working on her expensive yard. Seriously, Devils Advocate, you are deluding yourself. Looks DO matter to women. A lot.
somedude81 Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 But there are also plenty of guys who know they are attractive and act like they are heaven on earth. What separates these guys from the attractive ones who don't know? I'm not sure. I would say "confidence," but I don't know if that confidence started because they were validated by women, or if they started their own confidence and their physical attractiveness was thus validated by women...if that makes any sense. I'm willing to bet that the confidence did start because they were indeed validated by women. My reasoning is, I have very low confidence in who I am because I have never been validated by a woman. Since I've never dated I "know" that I'm an ugly guy with a terrible personality. Of course with that thought I never will attract somebody. But it's not a belief I always carried with me. At one point I was an innocent kid who didn't care about how I looked or think that girls cared either. But I was quickly proven wrong.
Irishlove Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 I think I once heard there was a theory women preferred feminine faces when they weren't menstruating but as soon as they started ovulating they switched over to desiring masculine faces' date=' but I have seen more studies showing resources and status trumping beauty by a wide margin.[/quote'] I'd like to see the study on this if you can find it.
dispatch3d Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 Everybody isn't confident about their ability at something. I would say some people are more confident about more things than others. Does that make them better human beings? Not sure. It can definitely lead to more ignorance though. I think generalizing particular people as "insecure" and "secure" is a pretty slippery slope. As per above, everyone would be labelled "insecure" by such a black/white definition.
Irishlove Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 For the OP, I used to have an issue with this and I am a beautiful girl (not to sound shallow) so then I turned it around and started as a joke. I would joke and say "man, if I get any cuter I would be twins!" and it would get a laugh. Or say "I get cuter every darn day". You don't have to go over board but it will make you comfortable. We do like self esteem not a pity party.
dispatch3d Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 Oh, and yeah being insecure about dating hurts your dating skills/whatever. Essentially if you assume failure it's going to hurt overall game. You won't approach as many girls, won't make as many moves towards them, won't be as bold, will be more shaky about where you stand, will interpret slightly negative things as extremely negative, won't take advantage of (sometimes obvious) positive opportunities. Lol the fact I know so much about this though is likely puuurreee coincidence ;-).
dispatch3d Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 For the OP, I used to have an issue with this and I am a beautiful girl (not to sound shallow) so then I turned it around and started as a joke. I would joke and say "man, if I get any cuter I would be twins!" and it would get a laugh. Or say "I get cuter every darn day". You don't have to go over board but it will make you comfortable. We do like self esteem not a pity party. I actually saw an extremely successful (this is an understatement in this case) person say something to the effect of, "I am awesome, and I get things done". It seems like a good policy.
somedude81 Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 Oh, and yeah being insecure about dating hurts your dating skills/whatever. Essentially if you assume failure it's going to hurt overall game. You won't approach as many girls, won't make as many moves towards them, won't be as bold, will be more shaky about where you stand, will interpret slightly negative things as extremely negative, won't take advantage of (sometimes obvious) positive opportunities. Lol the fact I know so much about this though is likely puuurreee coincidence ;-). Check to all of those. Of course when I actually throw caution to the wind, I get hit by a tornado as if I was being punished by fate for trying to change my destiny. Heck it's already happened three times this year.
dispatch3d Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 Check to all of those. Of course when I actually throw caution to the wind, I get hit by a tornado as if I was being punished by fate for trying to change my destiny. Heck it's already happened three times this year. Yeah but at the same time, what guy hasn't been guilty of at least something in that paragraph. I kind of realized that shortly after I wrote it. Who gives a **** right?
NoMagicBullet Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 Insecurity kills the attractiveness of even a good-looking person. It shows in body language and communication style, and no amount of looks can make up for it. (Except with maybe the very shallow.) I don't know why you're nervous to go out on dates, especially if you've had offers, but regardless of your looks, you need to get out there and socialize. If you're really nervous maybe some counseling or guided exerices to reduce nervousness would help. Yes, it will be uncomfortable at first, maybe for a while, but if you keep putting yourself out there, you can gradually become more comfortable and less nervous. Sorry, but the best way past it is through it.
Nexus One Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 I disagree on the point that insecurity/shyness makes girls/women look unattractive. Some of the most beautiful girls I've seen were insecure, shy and sometimes nervous. It didn't kill their beauty at all, it didn't make them any less attractive, at least not in my opinion.
SxB Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 So, this was a question spawned from an earlier thread. Basically, is the general rule if a guy is insecure about his looks he is unattractive? I've had spurts of confidence due to offers/compliments (in RL and online), but I'm too nervous to go on dates so I don't get any positive reinforcement. I've even posted my pic online, to hear comments like "wow, I totally wasn't expecting that because of the low self-esteem in your posts" or "he must be joking" and a whole host of other compliments I'm not vain enough to repeat. But, I still feel incredibly insecure. Thoughts? I guess I'm ruminating over this because I believe, rightly or wrongly, that looks are very important to women. If you're insecure you will only date others who are insecure too, anyone else won't put up with it. On the other hand, I would suggest only dating when your mind is more clear. If you date when you're an emotional mess, your relationship with be a mess, and that defeats the whole point of dating.
Author Saraswati57 Posted April 29, 2011 Author Posted April 29, 2011 If you're insecure you will only date others who are insecure too, anyone else won't put up with it. On the other hand, I would suggest only dating when your mind is more clear. If you date when you're an emotional mess, your relationship with be a mess, and that defeats the whole point of dating. I agree, I'm not trying to date anyone right now, but I'm working myself up to it, though.
BiscuitXOXO Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 I'd like to see the study on this if you can find it. I have seen that study as well... Here, I googled it. It was a long link so I tinyurled it http://tinyurl.com/women-and-faces And my opinion, insecurity doesn't make a man physically unattractive. It does make him unattractive though, so I won't be turned on, no matter how hot he is. For me, physical beauty is like 40%. Personality is 60%. And then think of it like a class...70% is passing, so yea...
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