Frustrated with online dating results

[SJC2008]

Been online for a couple of weeks and am frustrated with the results. I'll wink or email women who I feel are on my level of attraction, and they dont reply, it's not like I try to waste my time and email 10's I mean I'm a realist ya know. Two have replied so far and were communicating but it seems like womena who is a 5 thinks she can get a 10. I don't think my standards are too high. I'd say im a 6.5 but only 5's and lower view my profile. I don't know if it's because I have red hair (don't start the confidence crap either) but I think I'm better looking in person than in pictures if that makes any sense. Now I have gotten fairly attractive dates in person but I'm not too good with cold approaches so those are few and far beetween thats why I tried online but so far am dissapointed.

[OliveOyl]

Winks aren't effective in my opinion. I never knew how to respond to them.

 

Are you sending customized emails with at least 4-5 sentences? Or short "hi" messages?

[jane100]

Its not just about being physically a 10, or a 5, in terms of attraction.

 

If I see a genuine, interesting or witty profile I will often overlook looks to some extent - the same with emails if they are good or genuine my interest will be piqued.

 

I see the same mistakes that men make over and over again:

 

1. poor photos - taken in dim light in the bathroom or something, it makes them look like sociopaths ! The better the pictures - in good light, outside, maybe doing something interesting - this makes a big difference IMO

 

2. a dull profile or email messages. most people are quite interesting i think so its just a question of getting it right - which is not easy for men or women.

 

I don't think you have to go totally overboard, but just try and get a few basic things at a reasonable pitch.

 

After that, its purely a numbers game IMO, you just have to keep at it, and its not easy for most normal people!

 

And agree with OlyvOil, winks seem lazy and I rarely respond to them as from experience they always turn out flakey.

Edited April 28, 2011 by jane100

[honeytruffle]

Why does it matter what rating someone is? I don't understand this concept, is it something exclusive to the website you use or is that your own personal system?

 

Maybe if you're having little luck with this system of dating, why not try a different method where you rely on face to face contact, if you reckon you come across better this way?

 

Also - aren't you supposed to aim 2 points below your own, just to be safe? I'm sure I heard that somewhere, so if you think you're a 6.5, go for a 4.5?

[orangelady]

do you have a goatee on your pic?

[SJC2008]

I don't have a rating system I was just trying to explain that only women that I am not the least bit attracted to, view my profile, meaning less than even a plain jane if you will, and women who are semi attractive, by no means gorgeous, wont respond to me. Thats why I started using numbers saying these women want a 10 when they're not 10's ya know. And to the last poster, yes I have a goatee but what does that have to do with anything?

[dispatch3d]

online dating is heavily skewed towards women. Women have posted guys they were "considering" haha and they were usually pretty silly. Like:

 

1. Carnegie Graduate

2. Doing their Masters

3. Lots of neat interests

4. Very good writer

5. Relatively good looking

 

Sometimes these guys would blow it though by not really writing detailed or well-thought-out responses.

 

I think you get the idea. Just keep in mind some people are very successful too, just takes practice.

 

If your concerned about your red hair, then you could post that youtube video about redheads having souls.

[Rinnix]

I never agreed with giving people number scales. I find its disrespectful to those rated 5 and below. We aren't pounds of meat, were people.

 

That being said, women get 10x the amount of mail that men do. Keep in mind that depending on the website they also get a lot of unwanted foul messages. These type of messages alone make women more picky and warry.

 

I had a friend who was in the same situation as you, he only got mail from women he was not attracted to.

 

Do you only send winks? Or do you send thoughtful messages according to there profiles?

 

Character ties in, I've seen what you'd call a "4" with a "10". Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

 

If you change your attitude about it to a more positive one, you may just get better results.

Edited April 28, 2011 by Rinnix

[SJC2008]

Once again, I was using the #'s as an EXPAMPLE to EXPLAIN that I felt women who I feel are on my level (AVERAGE, CUTE) do not reply to my messages. And I do send thoughtful messages with no slang fully typed not like texting. I also think it's because the site I'm on the all (mostly) have college degrees and I think the fact that I'm 29 and in college at the under grad level may be turning them off I don't know.

[NoMagicBullet]

A couple of weeks of online dating is not long at all. At. All. Welcome to hell, Grasshopper!

 

Many people think they can go online and instantly get a date, but for most people, it doesn't work that way. Hate to say it, but you may be online for quite a while, and unfortunately, online dating is like catalog shopping - it's a lot easier to find reasons NOT to go out with someone (or not to respond, or to cut commincation) and move on to the next profile. That's pretty typical for both men and women in online dating.

 

Just because you didn't get a reply back doesn't mean that the women you sent winks or messages to are looking for a 10 in the looks department.

 

1) Winks and short "Hi, how ya doing?" messages are pretty much worthless.

2) As for looks, it may have nothing to do with not being a 10 - it's just that your looks aren't right for her. BTW, about the goatee: facial hair is about a 50/50 with attracting women. Wear your hair the way you are comfortable with, but realize that about half of women like facial hair and the other half don't.

3) Like jane100 said - have good photos on your profile. And for goodness sake, smile in some of them! A guy who looks like he can have fun and enjoy life is much more attractive, regardless of other physical attributes.

4) You may have missed something in her profile that would indicate that you are not a good match (smoker vs non-smoker, religious differences, etc).

5) You may not have missed anything, but maybe there are reasons she hasn't listed on her profile that would not make the two of you a good match.

 

And just because the women you are contacting are not 10s, does not mean that they are desperate to go out with anyone who asks. Even women who are not considered pretty have their dignity and want to find a man who's a good match for them.

 

FYI - Although women don't often contact men first, of those that do, they don't always get lots of responses back from men either. It's a two-way street. You'll probably be contacted by women you aren't interested in, either.

[irc333]

Interesting, sometimes I look for certain key words a woman says that make me want to contact them.

 

In one case,I saw this somewhat chunky, but fills out nicely, probably wouldn't be considered attractive to guys who typically date slender women, but I'm not as picky as some men.

 

She said in her profile that if your one of those guys that like those thin, barbie girls that you like to have on your arm, then I"m not the woman for you, because I do have some meat on my bones. If you're that shallow, please move on.

 

So apparently, she was aware of her own physical shortcomings.

 

But I contacted her, and said to her and mentioned how it was great how she is not into the whole shallow thing, and is realistic in what she's looking for.

 

She contacted me back and said, "Hm, at risking of sounding shallow myself, I don't think we'd make a good match."

 

It was probably an epiphany on her part , here's a shallow person complaining about shallow people, but she's shallow herself as well.

 

 

 

Been online for a couple of weeks and am frustrated with the results. I'll wink or email women who I feel are on my level of attraction, and they dont reply, it's not like I try to waste my time and email 10's I mean I'm a realist ya know. Two have replied so far and were communicating but it seems like womena who is a 5 thinks she can get a 10. I don't think my standards are too high. I'd say im a 6.5 but only 5's and lower view my profile. I don't know if it's because I have red hair (don't start the confidence crap either) but I think I'm better looking in person than in pictures if that makes any sense. Now I have gotten fairly attractive dates in person but I'm not too good with cold approaches so those are few and far beetween thats why I tried online but so far am dissapointed.

[irc333]

Another thing, are these same women that have been on these dating sites for years (some on 3 diff. sites) and start whining in their profiles on how they can't even meet any decent men.

 

Of course, she's had probably plenty of opportunities though, but turned them down.

[SJC2008]

That's sorry about saying shes a little meaty than saying to you yall wont be a match. I've pretty much seen the whole pool on this site so I'm probably gonna cancel. I thought being almost 30 women would be different, but they are not (at least the ones ive dealt with), they still act flaky and wont return a call after a date and blow you off instead of telling you theres no spark. I guess I set my expectations to high. Who am I to think an average looking man should be able to get an average looking woman? I'm really starting to beleive that most woman are not attracted to red headed men at least me anyway. I'll just have to work on the cold approach, hard for me but looks like it's the only way I'll meet someone.

[Mrlonelyone]

With online dating it's simply a matter of people not being attracted to anyone who is attracted to them. This is more true of women than men.

 

So OP you send out a message to these women and automatically become less attractive to them.

 

Oh and don't let anyone fool us.... online dating is all about looks. Even for women they are just socially conditioned to BS about being less shallow... then wanting only good looking men who make high five figure incomes.

[musemaj11]

Put on your profile that you make $100000 and you drive an audi.

[sanskrit]

Remove your personal involvement from it and enlarge your samples. It's a database with lots of null records until you meet someone face to face, nothing more, nothing less. It's just another tool in your social toolkit to be added to more direct personal methods of meeting, not a substitute. It's cheap and takes little time, so having really high expectations of it for men especially is not the best attitude and will lead to disappointment. If you have worked on your profile and pics diligently and sent out 100s of good Emails over a period of several months and are still not getting any response at all, then online dating may not be for you. Until you get to that point, you won't know one way or the other. Like anything else in life, few are naturals and it generally takes time and practice to learn and improve. Putting up a profile and expecting instant results is kind of like expecting to learn to speak a new language in a week.

 

Make a profile that suggests you will make a fun and interesting date, someone worth meeting, not focusing on your qualities as a relationship partner or going on about "who you are" or "who you are looking for." Focus on fun things you have done lately that a date might also enjoy, emphasize action in desiring someone to share a fun date idea with.

 

As others say, make sure your pictures are as flattering as possible while remaining realistic and true. Unless you are an accomplished writer, less is more, as women deluged with responses are looking for any reason at all to parse prospects down to a workable number. Something you say in your profile that seems harmless may send up red flags.

 

Again, your profile should start a process in the reader's mind that sells a simple, specific, fun date with you, and Emails you send (never winks or smiles) should focus on interesting the prospect in a simple, fun date. Making decisions simple and light (not a big deal) is a big key to success in online dating. People are more likely to make a decision that is simple and appealing than getting bogged down in "choosing," or complexity right off the bat. A side benefit to this approach is that it instantly weeds out the ones who are using the site as an ego boost or are overly passive. You want to find women who aren't interested in interminable IMing, texting or Email and who want to get out and meet new people. These types are also going to be the ones more free of phone/text/facebook drama once you become more involved with them.

Edited April 29, 2011 by sanskrit