Lookinside Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 I left my ex of 7 years about a year and a half ago. We had two kids together and I also have a child from a previous relationship. I was a stay at home mom and was very unhappy. He was never happy to see me when he got home from work, always yelled and swore at me and the kids. The thing is, he was a wonderful provider, and we were stressed about money. Now I am a single mom of 3 with two jobs, and am just wondering if it could have been different if I would have gotten a job and gotten out of the house. I am with someone else now, but that relationship is really going nowhere. My new boyfriend has no job, no security, and no plans to change that. I asked my ex today if he would be willing to leave his new girlfriend and try to get our family back together but he said no. I wonder if I really want to be with him again or if I am just afraid to be alone. I often dream about us being together with our kids and being a family again. I want nothing more than for my kids to be happy and I just know that us being a family would make this happen. I feel so much regret and confusion about the whole thing. I know that most men will not be willing to create a family with a single mother and I know that it is now my job to create this family...without a husband and I am scared to do it alone. I know that I did this to myself, and I am not angry with him for not wanting to be with me anymore, I hurt him when I left him. Thanks for listening
Brokenhearttornapart Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 What I've gathered from your post is that you currently do want him back, but it seems like you want him back not for the right reasons. While you do want him back because you dream that you will be happy, you also seem to be struggling money wise and being with him would make that go away from you. It is almost like you are a point where you completely forget that you were unhappy and that you are placing your children's happiness above your own. From the sounds of it, he doesn't want to get back together with you (as bad as that seems now). You hurt him and maybe he is happy with this new girl of his. If I were you, I would take a step back and try to figure out if I really loved him and didn't just want him back for financial reasons or that it "seems to be the right thing to do - to get your family back together". You are a strong woman holding up 2 jobs to support your kids. I know it may seem tough now but you would be honoring what you had with him if you didn't get back together with him (if the real reason for this wishing reconciliation is money), but if you really do fall for him again and your intentions are good, I'd wait it out and give it another shot. It would take some time because you left him, but marriages are worth it.
PollyIvy Posted April 30, 2011 Posted April 30, 2011 I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. I am about to leave my H of 15 years. We have 3 kids together, and I'm feeling so scared about being a single mom, and doing the parenting on my own. I feel similar - I just want the kids to have a unified family, and I would be willing to stay in a mediocre or stale marriage to provide that for them. It is NOT all about ME. It's about THEM. But the hostility and aggression have gotten out of hand, and even though I'm leaving, I feel forced to do it. I am sorry you are struggling financially. I hear that you are dreaming of a family for your kids - it sounds to me like you may still be grieving over the loss of your marriage? It must still be such a shock to find yourself in this position. Does your ex-H have a lot of contact with the kids?
Tiberius Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 Why do you think it was your fault when he always yelled and swore at you?
You Go Girl Posted May 2, 2011 Posted May 2, 2011 (edited) Why do you think it was your fault when he always yelled and swore at you? This is a good point...you are missing the financial security but you haven't worked through why you left him in the first place. A year and a half is long enough to forget those reasons, especially since you haven't worked out what transpired and why, and you are focusing on the good, when you need to remember what went wrong also. You asked for recon and he said no, so there's nothing you can do there. You have to go on with your life and take care of not only your kids, but yourself. The future will reveal itself. Don't worry about it. Recon or no recon, you still have to live and find a way to enjoy life, and worrying never solved anything. Feasible realistic plans solve lots of things. Forgive yourself? If you take a good look at what happened, your part included, examine yourself, take self-inventory of your errors and areas you need to work on, and remember that both of you did the best you could even though it wasn't good enough...of course you will forgive yourself. Your life is not summed up by this man, remember that. You'll be ok. I'm sure it's difficult and you're stressing about money, but as long as you have happy healthy children, you have something priceless. Edited May 2, 2011 by You Go Girl
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