First day almost over

[reallyconfused2542]

so the first day of NC is almost over. sorry if anyone got annoyed by my constant posts but this has kind of been my therapy for the last few days and im sure theres others feeling the same way so hopefully it will help them to. the day wasn't easy. i thought of lots of different plans that i would do to try and get her back-hikes, movies, giving her books-but in the end for now i think the best thing for me will be the NC. i read a really good letter on here tonight and i think ill write one of my own but ill hold onto it at least for a few weeks and then if i still feel the same way ill drop to off at her house. the hardest thing to accept is that she isn't in my life anymore and im going through a stage of regret and looking back wishing i could change thing and make them better. i guess then though i wasn't ready or didn't think about it, i really don't know why i did those things. makes it tough to look back now realizing that what i had to do wasn't so difficult but for some reason i wasn't able to do it. i guess im also in the state of mind that i hope shell be around and give me another chance to show how i can deal with these "easy" tasks.

one thing i wonder though is while i know she says that she trying to understand herself better that is she really just going to be able to do it without reading, therapy, some type of external help besides friends? or is just going to be a long road of failed relationships like her mother had until she comes to the realization of what she needs to change about herself. i only wish i was able to be there with her on that journey so we could become better together. but if she doesn't want to do it with me then i have no choice but to let her go and continue on giving whatever i learned to someone else that will be special. because i know that there will be another special one. there has to be, the odds are in our favor,there so many single people out there with some many different likes and dislikes that one has to be compatible with me.

the reality is is that i can change all that i want about myself but if she wont change the relationship wont work ever. as much as i did wrong throughout the year she did things that hurt and upset me as well. i don't want those feelings to comeback so without a clean slate , which id be willing to do, i wouldn't want to start again.

and another reality is that while im typing all of this getting back together stuff she might be breathing a sigh of relief that were over. i hopefully highly doubt that but i know she's keeping herself busy, now has time for herself, so maybe she just feels a weight lifted and has no plans to come back.

either reality i have to accept and take in stride. i think the best course is to not run out and hook up with anything that moves but to take my time and use this period to be pretty introspective, figuring out where a lot of thing in my life and relationships have gone wrong. to bring a new girl into this would probably just set me back and throw those emotions back into a hole, same place they went after the last breakup, never to been seen again until now. i have to learn to be confident not just on the outside, because i do put off confidence, but inside where im lacking it with human emotion once the door closes and the lights are out.

i think i used the sex that we had to show her that i loved her. it was amazing and intense for the both of us. i don't think ill (or her either)ever find someone that i was so compatible in bed with again. i used that amazing sex to convey that i loved her which was really stupid on my part. i needed to be there for her through all of her crazy emotions. yes they were crazy but if i had just shown that i loved her maybe things wouldn't have gotten so out of control. again i somewhat blame myself for those things but i never put the razor in her hand so she could cut herself. she made the decision to do that.

i think the next few weeks are gong to be filled with regrets and longings but i have to change my thinking so that i can get over all this. on a positive note i did eat a full meal tonight. baby steps i guess. hopefully the next one wont be so difficult.

sorry again if this is long winded but i feel like its helpful for me to get this written and hear opinions if people feel like writing them. hopefully as things get easier they'll become shorter. thank you for everyone who responded to my baby cries today, your advice and wisdom has all been taken in for processing.

day 2 coming up..........

[ShoeGurl1973]

I'm sorry you are hurting do bad. I understand exactly what you are going through right now...I am one month into my breakup but what I can assure is that it will get much much better around the 4 week mark. The first couple weeks you will wonder how you are going to survive but then strangely it gets better at a very exponential rate.

 

 

I have been reading posts for a month now, finding comfort in other stories...so many are similar. But I will say that something you said enlightened me. You mentioned you thought and thought about all the things you should or could have changed in yourself to please your partner, but even if you changed all those things the relationship still wouldn't be perfect because your partner had flaws too. That was very insightful. I have been thinking over and over of things I could have said or done to avoid the breakup but like you said, even if i did ALL those things, i still have issues with my ex also.

 

It's easy to look back and think everything is your fault when you are the dumpee. You're a very good example that it isn't. Thanks for mentioning that.

[reallyconfused2542]

thank you very much for the kind comments. its the best ive felt all day to know that something i said has helped you.

do you think that when were thinking about these breakup things that we just put all our needs aside that we had throughout the relationship and trivialize them? like i kind of feel that my needs weren't really a big deal but at the time them not being met drove me crazy. all i wanted was to be a part of her life and she really couldn't do it for me. i would ask what she did that day or what she was going to do, not as if i was tracking her every move but just wanted to hear about her day. is that such a wrong thing to ask?and if it was because she was pulling away then, maybe she should have said something about it or just broken up with me then.

i don't feel like i was asking a lot but still now it feels stupid for me to have thought that way.am i any thinking like that because im hurting? she did have those flaws. am i crazy to ask for that?