dextm Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 Me and my ex/co-worker finally started getting along (and closer) after she dumped me around 3 months ago. Then on Sunday she dropped a bomb on me. She 'fessed up and told me some things. She had been seeing her ex during our relationship, behind my back, lied to my face a few times, AFTER I made her promise to NC him twice, and now she is in a LDR with him... She proceeded to blame me for her own actions, saying I was a bastard to her, drove her away, etc. I admit I wasn't the greatest bf to her because of my own personality, inexperience, and age, and she had her own mistakes too, but I NEVER physically hurt her or cheat on her. She on the other hand went to her ex to "reestablish a friendship". She feels no remorse, no regret, and instead blames me. Now that my worst suspicions have been confirmed by the Devil herself, there is nothing left for me to do. There is no point in being friends, because our whole "relationship" was based on a lie. We were so good for each other in the first 5 months until I started making petty, stupid mistakes, along with her baggage that complicated things even more. There may or may not have been physical contact, but emotional infidelity is still cheating? Am I right to believe this, guys?
imagine Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 I have not read your previous history: I'm thinking- are you two going to work properly together? If I were your boss, I'd separate or fire one of you!
Author dextm Posted April 28, 2011 Author Posted April 28, 2011 Are fantasies and dreams cheating? Not until it becomes reality.
Author dextm Posted April 28, 2011 Author Posted April 28, 2011 I have not read your previous history: I'm thinking- are you two going to work properly together? If I were your boss, I'd separate or fire one of you! Different departments, so no issues there. The only issue is having to see and hear this fake POS laugh and talk to mutual friends.
Kelemort Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 Emotional affairs are infidelity. It's taking the trust, commitment, respect, and confidence from one relationship and putting it into another. It's a form of separating emotionally and mentally from your partner (not always, but usually) - it's an 'escape' from the present relationship. I admit to having done this in my own relationship. I met this friend through my boyfriend, and we would often spend a lot of nights talking together. The conversations eventually became sexual. Much of the distance in our relationship was caused by the hurtful things my boyfriend was doing at the time (namely, clinging to his ex) - but I blame myself for the actions I took to remedy the situation, instead of demanding that he make attempts to meet my needs. An emotional affair can be just as damaging, and sometimes more damaging, than a physical affair. It got to the point where I was fantasizing about this friend almost all of the time, and I actually started seriously thinking about going to be with him (he lives out of state). That was when I knew it was out of control, and I reduced my contact. What your ex did is wrong, no doubt about that. You are never 'forced' to do anything. You may feel compelled to do something based on what is happening to you, but you always have choices. If you were so horrible, why didn't she leave first?
Author dextm Posted April 28, 2011 Author Posted April 28, 2011 Emotional affairs are infidelity. It's taking the trust, commitment, respect, and confidence from one relationship and putting it into another. It's a form of separating emotionally and mentally from your partner (not always, but usually) - it's an 'escape' from the present relationship. I admit to having done this in my own relationship. I met this friend through my boyfriend, and we would often spend a lot of nights talking together. The conversations eventually became sexual. Much of the distance in our relationship was caused by the hurtful things my boyfriend was doing at the time (namely, clinging to his ex) - but I blame myself for the actions I took to remedy the situation, instead of demanding that he make attempts to meet my needs. An emotional affair can be just as damaging, and sometimes more damaging, than a physical affair. It got to the point where I was fantasizing about this friend almost all of the time, and I actually started seriously thinking about going to be with him (he lives out of state). That was when I knew it was out of control, and I reduced my contact. What your ex did is wrong, no doubt about that. You are never 'forced' to do anything. You may feel compelled to do something based on what is happening to you, but you always have choices. If you were so horrible, why didn't she leave first? Because she probably needed me at the time (we were both struggling in life) and didn't want to break my heart. I'm somewhat better because of her - she helped me thru my financial crisis and I am now debt free. She is somewhat better because of me - I helped her with her own personal/family issues and now she's living on her own. I guess it was just never meant to be then. Sigh.
Author dextm Posted April 28, 2011 Author Posted April 28, 2011 (edited) I accept her moving on and finding a better person, but why must it be this scumbag ex?!? The scumbag ex had been begging her for 7 years via email, and she had been ignoring him for 7 years..so why the hell would she make contact with him when she was seemingly in a happy relationship with me? Why talk about kids, marriage, promise rings with me (when she knows I'm not even ready for that stuff) when she is secretly talking to him behind my back? It's so stupid and bull****. Maybe she was really "into" me, but how could anyone juggle between two people? Life is so god damn BS. Begging is not supposed to work, especially 7 years of begging. Desperation, obsession is not supposed to be attractive. Edited April 28, 2011 by dextm
fltc Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 Nobody can read her mind, if she sat down with you and gave you the reasons for her behavior they wouldn't be the real reasons so... you're never going to know the why of it. Move on and stop beating yourself up over it.
Author dextm Posted April 28, 2011 Author Posted April 28, 2011 Nobody can read her mind, if she sat down with you and gave you the reasons for her behavior they wouldn't be the real reasons so... you're never going to know the why of it. Move on and stop beating yourself up over it. I'm trying to move on, but I have to see her at work everyday, come into work and leave work at the same time, and have lunch with mutual friends. There's already drama in the office because we were "close" last week and now I don't even want to see that bitch. Soon enough people are gonna find out she's a cheater. I really want to tell the whole world what a bitch she is. She deserves every bad thing that goes her way!!! Why the hell am I so eager on revenge?
stace79 Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 I wouldn't call what she did "cheating" unless it was physical, but I do consider it "wrong". Found these resources that explain why I feel it's wrong: http://www.cheatingways.com/just-friends-not-likely-an-emotional-affair/http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/advice/emotional-affair-llI would look for another job, honestly. I personally wouldn't be able to work with an ex on a consistent basis. Too painful. It isn't your "fault". Maybe you could have been a better bf, but it is always an individual's choice whether or not to cheat. You aren't "forced" into cheating - you choose to cheat instead of either fixing or ending your current relationship.
Bryanp Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 Good riddance to her. First she is a liar and a cheat and showed no remorse. Second, if you think she was not physical with him then you are in big time denial. Your whole relationship was a lie because she was cheating behind your back with this scumbag. She is the loser and you are way better without her. Why would you grieve for a person who sees nothing wrong cheating behind her boyfriend's back and showing no remorse. The real loser is the scumbag she is with now. What did he gain? He now has a cheating lying girlfriend who sees nothing wrong about lying and cheating while in a relationship. Be happy you are rid of you. You are the winner.
Kelemort Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 "Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures." There's actually a scenario in the book in which a man's ex goes off with another guy, and they're all forced to work together. In the book, he presents with intense jealousy that makes him feel incapable of completing his job. He eventually got into therapy and had desensitization therapy - basically, they recorded him going on and on about what he thought was happening with the sex life between his ex and her new guy, what he thought they might be saying about him, etc. It helped him - he was eventually able to work with both of them and cope with it. It could be helpful here, especially if Dex can't find another job. As for why you're so bent on revenge? Because it was a blow to your ego - she did something under your nose and hurt you. And also because it's recent.
Author dextm Posted May 11, 2011 Author Posted May 11, 2011 I wouldn't call what she did "cheating" unless it was physical, but I do consider it "wrong". Found these resources that explain why I feel it's wrong: http://www.cheatingways.com/just-friends-not-likely-an-emotional-affair/http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/advice/emotional-affair-ll I would look for another job, honestly. I personally wouldn't be able to work with an ex on a consistent basis. Too painful. It isn't your "fault". Maybe you could have been a better bf, but it is always an individual's choice whether or not to cheat. You aren't "forced" into cheating - you choose to cheat instead of either fixing or ending your current relationship. Good riddance to her. First she is a liar and a cheat and showed no remorse. Second, if you think she was not physical with him then you are in big time denial. Your whole relationship was a lie because she was cheating behind your back with this scumbag. She is the loser and you are way better without her. Why would you grieve for a person who sees nothing wrong cheating behind her boyfriend's back and showing no remorse. The real loser is the scumbag she is with now. What did he gain? He now has a cheating lying girlfriend who sees nothing wrong about lying and cheating while in a relationship. Be happy you are rid of you. You are the winner. "Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures." There's actually a scenario in the book in which a man's ex goes off with another guy, and they're all forced to work together. In the book, he presents with intense jealousy that makes him feel incapable of completing his job. He eventually got into therapy and had desensitization therapy - basically, they recorded him going on and on about what he thought was happening with the sex life between his ex and her new guy, what he thought they might be saying about him, etc. It helped him - he was eventually able to work with both of them and cope with it. It could be helpful here, especially if Dex can't find another job. As for why you're so bent on revenge? Because it was a blow to your ego - she did something under your nose and hurt you. And also because it's recent. I haven't responded because I spent the past 8 days in Barcelona. Beautiful city, beautiful girls, I had the time of my life... I went by myself and was scared ****less on the plane but met a lot of wonderful, kind souls, some of whom I consider friends now. It's unfortunate I have to come back to reality . I agree, everything is a lie and she cannot be trusted. She could be only telling me what she wants me to know as a way of controlling the damage, but not telling me the 100% truth. I really don't care anymore and I don't want to know any additional details. I hope her scumbag ex cheats on her again so she can come running back to me, begging for forgiveness, so I can swiftly reject her. Ah, justice.
Darren Steez Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 Dude move on, forget revenge, forget her running back to you on her hands on knees, she's moved on. You know what type of person she is, so why put more emotional investment in her? You have one life to live and each minute that goes by is a minute you'll never get back, so why waste it on her? Thousands of girls out there bro, go out and have fun and learn to love yourself and life, this girl has issues and whatever they are will resurface again with whomever she chooses to be with. Good luck.
Author dextm Posted May 11, 2011 Author Posted May 11, 2011 I'm doing better day by day. There are still trigger moments and I still think about her from time to time but I always remind myself what a piece of **** she is and it makes everything feel better. I need to focus on continuing education so I can get a better job and get the hell out of this ****hole!
seeker2010 Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 There may or may not have been physical contact, but emotional infidelity is still cheating? Am I right to believe this, guys? Yes, emotional infidelity can be cheating because it's a very significant betrayal of a fidelity agreement. It depends on what the intent was, and what occurred, but generally the only thing preventing full contact cheating is distance. Usually there are a lot of plans or agreements made for meeting up at some (future) point and there is or has been as much sexual contact as is possible under the circumstances. The key difference between EA and online porn is that there is an emotion bond or agreement on at least one side. One of the two may be lying, but usually both are equally involved. To the betrayed partner, the pain and anguish involved is every bit as 'real' as anyone putting any body part into/onto another body.
Author dextm Posted May 25, 2011 Author Posted May 25, 2011 I don't know if this is good or bad, but the ex came begging, crying, pleading after work on Friday, May 13. The scubmag ex she was seeing found a better job in India and took it without even consulting her. Now she is sad and all alone and wants nothing but my forgiveness. Apparently she was thinking of me every day I was gone in Barcelona. She stopped eating for a few days, puked, blah blah blah.....I was going to comfort her at her place (but not forgive her) on the same night but backed out and went separate ways last second because I didn't want to "give in". Well eventually I did. Few more texts (while we were both drunk doing our own separate things) and I visited her the following Sunday to see how she was doing. We hung out, I showed her some vacation pics, watched a movie, but again, I did not forgive her. Ended up sleeping over though. She wants to be friends, I want to go back to the point where we were happy 2-3 months in (before that scumbag ex showed up). No compromise, so she was sad again and I went home making the damn visit pointless. I am now back in minimal-contact mode, saying hi and bye here and there, chatting about nothing significant, not revealing much about myself, and generally just enjoying my life, and filling my own life and the life of others (not her) with fun and joy because again, I have not forgiven her yet. I've filled 80% of my week with fun activities such as salsa (great way to meet girls), volleyball, other outdoor activities, and sometimes just random meetups just so that I can get my head off her and start meeting younger, hotter, better girls. What do you guys think? Comments?
g450 Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 OMG are you serious? She is using you. You even admited it and you are going back to her again. Forget her. If it's not with her ex it will be with another guy. You deserve better so go out there and LOOK for better. Why are you wasting your time with her?
Scorpio6913 Posted June 3, 2011 Posted June 3, 2011 Should I ever forgive her then? You can eventually forgive her, maybe 10 years from now when she means absolutely nothing to you but a friend. As for now, don't accept her at all & go N/C for your own good!
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