DontWorryBHappy Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 Anyone want to talk me out of it? He broke up with me 5 days ago, saying that his heart wasn't in it and the love didn't last. He literally said that he felt the breakup wasn't caused by anything having to do with me, but instead was due to him not being able to love someone long term. He always has had difficulty getting close to people and said I was the first one he could do that with. There was a point in our relationship where I passed out on a bus from dehydration and suddenly his feelings for me seemed to get way stronger. He started seeming distant before that but that incident made him get really close to me for a little while, maybe because he felt like I needed him to take care of me.... But after a little while his feelings seemed to start fading again. I haven't known what to make of it. I wasn't free of issues... sometimes I was insecure and would over-think things. But my feelings for him were very consistent and never became less. I drafted this message which I have not sent: "Originally I wrote something longer to you, but didn't want to overwhelm you with some huge novel-like thing. So basically, I'm thinking this relationship ended for one of two reasons. Either you really don't have the capacity to love someone long term, which would be something that you have no control over.... OR, it has to do with something I read today that really intrigued me. This is what I read: "It's normal to "fall out of love" with your spouse or partner... sometimes many times. Our perception of the other person, our own feelings, our thoughts about the relationship... all of that is subject to change with time. The only question is whether there's a solid track in place to keep your relationship moving forward: a set of conditions sufficient to allow you to grow and change *together* rather than separately. One of the most important elements for that kind of track is commitment: to honor your promises to your partner, even when you don't feel like it. Being able to do that -- or at least trying to do it -- allows your word to act as a bridge which crosses over the chasms between "good times" in life. This is hard for people to get, especially when they're young: we tend to honor our feelings and thoughts, which are quite variable, instead of honoring our word. We tend to avoid commitment, and the risk / responsibility tangle that seems to come with it. All of that is understandable, but the bottom line remains: unless you can say "you're the one", even when you don't feel like it, your relationship will always be on thin ice. When you cross a few of those "love chasms" and rediscover your mate in the future, falling back in love with them is not at all uncommon. That's how people manage to stay together for a lifetime." I'm sending this just in case any of the above sounds to you like it applies to us. You mean enough to me that if I could say something that would cause you to want to talk to me about giving us another shot, I want to say it. I know we both have our own issues, but if you ever feel like you could stick with me despite them and try to make this work, I want that opportunity. Because at the end of the day I can't help but feel what we had was really special. Don't feel obligated to respond to this. Just please know that I respect your decision to end the relationship, and I agree that it is SO important for us to better our own lives. And I'm taking steps to do that - going to counseling, job hunting, looking for other opportunities to get into. And I know you have important things you are working on, too. But what I'm saying is, I'm here and willing to begin to talk to you again, if and when you are. Ok I wrote enough... . Love ya babe, Me" So uhhh, you'll probably all tell me to not send it. But it kills me to think that maybe we could still be together if he only realized that love isn't this constant feeling of butterflies that never goes away.... But maybe I'm missing the point. He told me it had more to do with him literally not being able to truly love someone due to emotional immaturity. But I question whether that's truly, ultimately the case. Advice?
Overseer Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 I think you should send it. Even when you send it, it is up to him to decide what comes of it so, you've left it open for him and just given him an idea into something he might not have thought about, or maybe is thinking about but doesn't know how to react. Like I said, I'd send it. It might open his eyes. Good Luck.
Author DontWorryBHappy Posted April 28, 2011 Author Posted April 28, 2011 I think if I send it I might wait another day or so... I tend to be really impulsive about this stuff.
Author DontWorryBHappy Posted April 28, 2011 Author Posted April 28, 2011 Hey, if you like it, be my guest. Anyway, screw my life. I just saw him no the bus, something that literally NEVER HAPPENS. I think the universe is playing a really cruel joke on me. I can't even think properly right now and am severely in danger of doing or saying something i shouldnt.
reallyconfused2542 Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 thanks, it was really insightful and i feel heartfelt.no begging and pleading, just pointing out things that we tend to forget. i would reread that before you do anything rash.give this time to process like your doing the letter. did he say anything to you?any type of interaction?
Author DontWorryBHappy Posted April 28, 2011 Author Posted April 28, 2011 Yes, he asked how I was doing and said he would drop off my stuff that night. We met up last night to exchange the last of the stuff, and ended up talking further. This time I felt we had a true understanding, and I ended up spending one last night with him. Normally I would advise against something like that, but we both knew that we were saying goodbye and letting each other go... so neither of us was expecting our last night together to lead to anything. It really did just feel like spending one last night with someone who values me, and someone that I value. We had a lot of heartfelt communication and I think I finally understand why this had to happen. I don't know if there will ever be a future for us, but I've let him go. I'm ready to start the next chapter of my life.
Trovador Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 I wouldn't send it... but I'm not one for begging, especially when the other party clearly stated that their heart wasn't in "it"... Anyway, why your ex would want to commit to you when he can have you anytime he wishes? He can date other women and have sex with you, do you really think he is going to risk that blissful state? You deserve better...
Author DontWorryBHappy Posted April 28, 2011 Author Posted April 28, 2011 As I said, it is over. I went into last night knowing it was a goodbye to the relationship, to our romance. And because of that I didn't expect anything out of it, so I really got just as much out of it as he did (closure, a last night with someone I care about, etc). For all I know we will both fall in love with other people/never see each other again/whatever. The door has been closed. p.s. the email is irrelevant now being that I spent time with him yesterday. that took place of the email.
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