Seperated / Wife in EA need guidance

[frenchmanfl]

Hi everyone,

 

I called on blue eyed brain if she is still here because she is both a woman and I found your/her advice rational and not sugar coated or vindictive.

 

My story is not much different than so many. It is clear my wife is going through a mid life crisis. We just moved to another sate because we both got laid off. I have plenty to be guilty for, in the past and the one thing that keeps me sitting here ( not divorcing her ) is so many of the things I was guilty in the past of. I abused alcohol ( never ever her I was a happy and functional drunk but she ended up hating it. Having said that we both partied hard together when we were young and she still smokes weed..I just ended up partying much harder and with office buddies instead of her ). So emotional neglect very guilty.

 

I also had a career slump for numerous years when the semi conductor industry hit a wall. I kept sticking to it because I made huge money for a while but that second run never came. So I wasn't there financially either for a while.

 

In the end, the move for us both was predicated on a change and fresh start for us. She ended up moving to Miami first ( I wish I could have changed that because it was the death nail so to speak ). She end up at a cool hotel and with a bunch of kids to hang out with and party with ( she is 42, I 43...we have been together since we were 18 and married for 24 years..we have a beautiful 9 year old boy ).

 

I take so much blame for what is happening that I feel like going on and on about all of the things I did wrong in our marriage.

 

So, I had to stay back where we were coming from because our house there didn't sell, I needed to pack up and rent the house. I did it all and made it happen. ( she accuses me in general of a lack of responsibility ). During that time, I became so so excited to get away from a place where we spent 13 years of our marriage and had both good and bad times ( she of course remembers none of the good ). Moving changes you, it provides you with that fresh slate feeling that nothing else can ( I grew up in overseas where I lived til I was 19 ). Anyway, as mentioned everything said we going to make this change together and I remember getting into the moving truck like a happy crazy guy ready to come down and make it happen. Get good job and finally be the good husband. I know most are probably saying too little too late. They are likely right.

 

However, what happened was that up until one event my wife was calling me about how we were going to do this or do that, the house to buy etc. Then she got summarily fired from her job after three months for no reason ( I believe it was purely political ). She has always been incredibly hard worker successfull at what she does, so this was purely a horrible move she didn't expect in a town she didn't know. This was the trigger. She spiralled downward from there and everything fell apart. I sensed it and I wasn't physically here to support her even though I was on the phone with her perpetually.

 

Long story shirt I finally arrive in my truck and she hates me. We didn't have a place at the time so I stayed at her father vacation condo. while she slept at the frat house that were these young guys who she met at the job she left. Now I am not a racist, nor is she outright but her family are and she grew up never appreciating black men. The guy whom I believe she is having an EA with is black, not THAT good looking ( I am a handsome fellow without meaning to sound conceited, I am also trim and well maintained ). He is 30, is divorced and has 2 kids he never sees in California. I believe it started out with these guys being just stoner buddies for her and an escape from reality, but it has evolved. This guy had a girlfriend who recently dumped him and my wife went running to his side to comfort him. I would love to try and find this girl to see if she dumped him because she found out about my wife and he.

 

He did seem distraught about it and my wife has the usual " were just friends...he's sweet and she even tried the he's black I wouldn't ". Note that my wife has put on quite a bit of extra weight ( for her ) so I know she has body issues to boot ( it is my hope that this might stop her from a physical affair but who knows ).

 

So I have been here 6 months and things have degraded. I wasn't able to cope with the complete change in her and while never confronting her with anything felt strange around her. I think she tried to make a small effort but she never connected with me either.

 

Meanwhile we might be closing on a house in the next week, after 6 months of hunting. I forgot to mention that we had a house locked until she got fired and suddenly we lost the house. Note that for all of my previous failures, she got fired from her job in AZ before we moved down here ( her fault but for stupid reasons ), then she comes down here and gets fired ( totally not her fault but it caused the loss of the house. She has always been a homebody and has anxiety issues so the house was the anchor that was lost. Then she gets another job which she ended up hating but also got fired from. She has finally found a new well paying job but she is so frazzled she says she freaks out all the time.

 

I forgot to mention that within a month of landing here luck was on my side and I got a great job, decent salary but huge potential in the aerospace industry. She said when I got my job we could start working on the marriage, I did..it wasn't enough.

 

So a week ago despite suspicions from the get go, I decided to go against my code and I checked her e-mail account and found a lovy dovey note from her and this guy I would like to kill for playing with my marriage. He even tutors my son in Math ( he is a geeky accountant ), has no money, is 3o something and still lives in a apt with roomates, he doesn't do laundry for weeks and has apparently openely talked in front of my wife about going to sleezy ghetto strip bars. Please no one take offense to my comments, I am angry. In short this is NOT HER TYPE. I believe he is sweet talking her because she is a beautiful women, even in her 40's and she has fallen into his lap because she felt I had nothing to offer.

 

I know she loves me but has said the dreaded I love you but am not in love with you. She has admitted to being scared stiff about making the wrong decision about us and I believe her but she is cold as ice. Whenever I try to bring up the issues she yells and screams about pressuring her, that she doesn't want to talk about us right now...she needs space.

 

So after finding this e-mail I hit the roof. I have read all about EA and she has all the same excuses, it's almost like she read about it online and repeated it.

 

At this point I am not sure if its been physical but I am not so stupid as to believe that it couldn't be. However, beyond that little world, she would be embarassed to show this guy around. In short he is not more good looking succesfull, smarter or any of the above than me. I know I am not what she wants right now so it doesn't matter.

 

My first instincts are to find someone else for myself. But I love this woman and despite what she is doing to me now, I DID put her through years of her own torment ( partying hard etc ), I DO deserve this and even my Father has said let it ride out because she forgave you. Mind you she acted out before, in the same exact way.

 

This is my soul mate and a woman I desperately love. I love my family, my beautiful boy and wanted to move down here to make that fresh start. I understand that it's not that easy but it's clear that when she left this was the objective but when i arrived after her own failure things changed.

 

This is no question a MLC. Note when I arrived her I knew no one, but I am working on that. In fact I met a very cute girl at the bank by completel accident but she is not really my type and I am not interested in sparking a romance. I am being abused like this but my gut reaction is to not pursue another woman, but this is partly because I do not feel it would be fair to the other woman either ( I am emotionally unstable and I don't like hurting people ). Question : Should I pursue this woman who, through e-mails I would have no problems sharing with my wife but wouldn't bother, is obviously looking for a new friend. My wife has even said, go hang out with her ( yes I have tested the water by saying I am not so pathetic because I have found someone who is interested in me ), I don't mean sleep with her ( she said that ) but hang out with her, it could be what I need to get jealous ! ( why did she say THAT ? I know why which is why I still hold a little hope ) I have not really gone out but a couple of times I was so angry I did and the next morning, she was asking all kinds of questions " where did you go etc "

 

She has admitted she is afraid, but things have deteriorated and we decided to separate. Guess where she is staying. Her reason which are actually valid is that it's a cheap option. These idiots are so broke that she is paying the $ 250 to stay there. She has also paid for drinks etc. The accountant drive a beige appliance looking car. She sleeps on the couch ( yeah right and she takes my son down there now two night a week plus Fridays. However, last night was the first night, aftet the decision to seperate, after a night with my son at the frat house, where she stayed the night here. I wasn't comfortable at all, so I asked her to please stay there permenantly. She does not get to abuse me by having the priviledge of being with my boy in this house ( rented ). I want her to sit down there and appreciate what she is missing up here. The nice house, the dogs, my son in this house etc. She makes good money now and can afford an apt and if this buy we have on a house falls through, she will get her own apt. But she is desperate for a house, so I know even then it will feel strange.

 

Other signs that she is conflicted are that whenever I have said that's it, she has backed off ever so slightly even if she rebels hard. She insists that she just needs space ( and I believe her but also because she is obviously stuck on this ass ). I was ready to give it to her but I felt there was something to be suspicious of very early...maybe I was paranoid then because I believe nothing was going on but now I know it.

 

My son, while loving miami beach, is definitely being effected and she knows it and to her credit is putting him as what should be our focus. I love my beautiful boy, he is the light of my life, but it is near impossible to control things when a marriage is suffering like this. We have only fought outwardly maybe three times since I got down here. We do everything by text and email. My son gets none of it.

 

She loves family my wife, the idea of it and the feeling of it. It was and remains her dream, but right now the coupling of the MLC and the EA ( possibly PA ) have her so messed up that she doesn't care about anything.

 

However, after a big crash the other day between us, she goes to visit her dying step mother and Father ( yes add that to her MLC triggers ) and she calls me ( which I wasn't expecting ) to see if my son and I were dressed and would we like to go on a bike ride to see the house we might be buying. I was shocked, Mind you she did through a few small hints that the house was not a sign that all was allright with us, separate rooms etc. She seems to need to remind me that I shouldn't feel positive just yet, but everytime I pull away she seems to inch back. My problem has been that I simply couldn't follow advice I have given to so many others...pull away. She also always stops short of divorce.

 

She just sent my Father ( in Singapore ) a long letter about her feelings, many of which were valid but some way over exagerated and she even clarified I am not leaving your son for another man ). She knows I recently talked with my Father so she felt guilt and wanted to try and raise her image with my Father who has always loved her and respected her. However, she also asked him for advice and how scared she was she was making the wrong decision.

 

So as mentioned here I sit for essentially the first night after I asked her to move out completely and I am torn. I desperately love this woman, and as off timed as it is am genuinely ready to be the man I haven't been for too long. I have a good job that is likely going to turn into a great job, with money that will come in in decent loads ( new industry, sales job, takes time with such a complex client portfolio but...my mother once told me it's either career rocking or marriage never both...her words are ringing in my head right now ). I have all of the tools to make this work and while my wife is out about 70% of this marriage, I believe there is still 30% where she simply isn't sure. She comes from a broken home and even her Dad says he wishes he had stuck it out with his mom ( she claims that he says it because he missed out on his kids but he has been living with his new wife for 10 years going through cancer....very tough and she is dying. Meanwhile his x who is married and in a difficult marriage is still very young looking and beautiful, healthy etc. ) It's all playing my wife's head I know.

 

Another odd thing, despite agreeing to seperate, my wife came in to the house wearing her wedding rings ( keeping up appearances ? ). The other day before I asked her to move out I even asked her, do we continue wearing our wedding rings and she paused almost scared and a little shocked that I would ask. She said gingerly " I will be wearing mine ". I took mine off a couple of days ago but have felt so naked. I am putting mine back on until the ink is dry on the divorce papers, which she will not say even though she say were through. She stops at separated.

 

Yes I know the cake and eat it too thing. At this point, because I do genuinely believe I have penance to pay, am almost willing to ride out a PA, because I love this woman and believe that we could grow old and happy together, that marriages that survive these rocky roads come out to be the most beautiful. I am not naive.

 

I have so many questions but what do particularly the women who might read this believe my wife could end up, if I give her her space. Don't get me wrong I have and continue to be ravenously jealous. I too have asked her to promise that if it becomes physical that I want a divorce but I have also backed away when she got angry and said it's over done, although she also stops short of saying never !

 

Could making my wife jealous ( keeping it innocent enough that she is only wondering rather than having an affair ) have an impact. This woman worshiped me ( and I wasted it ), she couldn't wait to have a boy that looked like me, as mentioned I still look very good ( again not conceit ). Women find me attractive and this stress has made me perfectly thin. In other words, despite the hate and the fact that I know that I her eyes don't see me the same way they used to especially because I have broken moments where I become the pathetic slobering unattractive wimp. But I also have my solid moments. My wife also cares about appearances which is why I believe this relationship with this guy would likely not go to far outside of the circle they are in. In other words I don't see her bringing him home to Dad. So despite everything I am kind of a trophy husband, but with a little bit of brain and now a good job, in a high end industry etc. In other words I have some things going for me. Do you women think that if I played the jealousy card just slightly that it might jog her a bit. I have already told her I met someone and that she wants more, that I am not interested because I love my wife and want my family back but...I planted the seed. However, up to this point, I have pretty much stayed home...

 

I do need to get a life and I am building a base of friends so I now have outlets. I just have kept them all at bay because I wanted my wife to know I was 100% focused on my family ( which she hasn't been 100%...again loving great Mom who wants only the best for her son ).

 

I know that I have basically sent her into the other mans arms, but my goal, if it can be achieved in doing so is to both hopefully get her to think about me while I am not there which i know she does despite everything and also to take the fun out of sneaking around with her EA/PA and to get him in concentrated form. Living in his world, as a roomate.

 

Its different when your sneaking over then it is when the guy's habits start to show themselves. Who knows maybe she won't mind but she is very particular and VERY demanding about certain things. The infatuation ignores those flaws she hates in people but I am hoping that as time lingers on. As mentioned he might be on his best behavior but cracks have to show, at some point. I actually don't think he is such a bad guy, but I want to kill him right now.

 

I think I made the right decision and when she is not around I am not noticing how beautiful she is ( because she is even though she has extra weight on her which I recently told her I loved, that I found her beautiful and sexy, all true but also ways of reminding her how I love her unconditionally ). In other words, I have had tortured night thinking about it but her absence makes it easier for me and i will block it out or at least try.

 

Also with my prevuous announcement of this girl I met, whom I said I had only met once while doing bank stuff and said was quite attractive and smart but not sure if she was my type ( in other words just enough to plant the seed but not enough for her to think I was already chasing another woman ), if there is any hope which right now there might not be as she is enamoured with this idiot, that she might actually start thinking about what I might be doing when I am on my own. I have released too much of my feelings to her up to this point but it stops now. She is a manically jealous woman ( which is why I believe she said hang out with her my jealousy might kick start me ) I mean hard core. Maybe it's too late. However, I worry it could back fire if I don't play it just right and force her against her better judgement to sleep with this idiot, if she already hasn't.

 

Even if she has that PA, I am at the point where this family is more important than a daliance that I know has been largely driven by a MLC that she has little control over vis a vis Estrogen deficiency. She is in control to a degree. Anyway, I know if I ever find out, if we reconcile it will take all the strength I have to deal with it and maybe I won't be able to but maybe I won't find out.

 

I am lost right now, I want to save this family and this marriage. It's not going to happen tomorrow but do you ladies believe, from what you have heard that my wife could come round. I know you don't have te answers but hopefully a glimpse.

 

Another interesting thing...my wife was the one who offered

 

I will be clear that the thought of physical contact makes me sick, but I love my wife, DO owe her because of my past issues ( none of which were adultery, although she did catch me in a EA 8 years ago and she handled it but she also reacted like I am. The woman's husband found out and it died a natural death. I thought about her for a while after but i haven't thought about her since it died. This ass though is divorced ( yeah great dad 34 living with roomates while his kids are in Cali whom he never sees...this would normally be considered a loser in my wifes eyes..not now ) POint being that this is not something I think she could ever see as long term. She is a smart woman and manipulative. Anyway, normally this guy would have all the cards stacked against him. Right now he that support mechanism that sleaze who is singing the right tune and making her feel beuatiful even though I know she is struggling with the fact that her hairs are getting gray and she is overweight.

 

Very very long story, I am very sorry to bore you all with it, but I need guidance. All of the guys who will come at me with the " throw the divorce papers at her now " please don't. My wife and I still do care deeply for each other and love our son. We are mature and my plan is to never ever even if this marriage dies be a child about it, even if I have felt like one often during the course of these months. I will not turn this into something ugly, but I also won't wait forever. At some point I won't demand but I will say sadly that I need a divorce from her but neither of us seem to be there yet.

 

Ladies how do I play this ? I know about getting my own life. My Father says do it but keep it sane and healthy. Don't make it obvious or go crazy because if she sniffs that I am going wild it will backfire on me. I will have my son Saturdays and Sundays and he loves me not this fool, who actually is perfect for my son because this 34 year old loves to play video games and bmx and all of the things one might expect from an immature man. My wife isn't phased obviously because I know..he is fullillfing her emotional needs. Point is, that I now have my son weekends and am going to make the most of it. Take him places, do things with him, things that might make my wife think...for one thing I have money while this idiot is rooming with two other fat guys ( fortunately they are not a group of studs ). She even has admitted to make me feel better that these guys are broke so they won't be going out often. She will end up paying for all of them.

 

However, I now have Friday nights to myself, my only out week so to speak. Another weird moment was when my wife said so I will bring our son on Friday and I said " I thought I had Friday nights to myself, I want to keep it that way " she had another one of those pauses where her brain jogged I believe " wait he is actually going to go out " It was like a pause of mild worry, that I might move on. Only I could notice it and it wasn't imagined. Every time else she walks right by comments that would hurt a loving wife or husband.

 

OK I keep blathering, some insight would be so welcomed. I love this woman and am ready to forgive within a certain time frame, but how do I handle things.

 

Thank you all so much for your help and kindness in reading my message. I am very good guy with a very big heart that has made lots of mistakes that are worthy this kind of punishment. I know they say " it's not you " but in part it is, so I am willing to wait this out because even if she says mean things to me, that she has proven she is worried she would be throwing it all away and is so afraid that this could be the biggest mistake of her life. I know that there is more driving her than sane thought, so despite how much it is killing me, I am willing to wait it out for a while, no matter what but I would love some help on how I might accelerate things towards me. I know it can't happen overnight but....

 

Thank you all,

Patrick

[imagine]

Meet her emotional needs. Look good. Draw her into your world. Never neglect her -ever.

 

Do not look out for someone else. The affair will die out probably sooner than later. Look after your kids and act like a concerned father.

 

Don't use your real name on your posts. These might burn you were they found in a court case.

[frenchmanfl]

Hi Imagine,

 

Thank you for your wisdom and sane advice. I wish I could communicate so concisely using so few words. As my post points to, I am overly verbose.

 

I will do my very best to heed your advice. May I ask if you believe that I made the correct decision to ask her to move out into that house ? It's critical to keep in mind that it was not borne or done out of anger but rather as an expressed personal coping mechanism. I explained to her that it was better for us both.

 

However, there is a hope that the fun secrecy of it all and living in permenance in the conditions I described above might jog her memory into realizing what she has to lose. She has to pack bags, she won't see her dogs, won't have her space because it is so confined in an apt with roomates, privacy so on and so forth. At first I believe she thought it was fun, but it could grow old.

 

So my reason for asking nicely to move out permanently had several motives. I just got off skype with my Father who believes I made a mistake, because I am cutting what little bond there was, but to answer your first sentence " address her emotional needs "...i have been, I have tried to make her feel special, I have told her how beautiful she is, I have been her shoulder to cry on when she talks about her dying step Mother...I did it all.

 

The mistake I have been making is reacting and being over emotional whenever I felt suspicious. I can tell you that for as insane as it sounds, now that I have confirmed, at least the EA, I am almost relieved because I am not going crazy wondering...I just know...now is the has it or will get physical...again I expressed myself above so do not want to bore you again. But I have to cope with that and not having her here means I think less about it.

 

Thank you once again for your sound advice. I believe that right now I have to wait for her to come to me. I have expressed in no uncertain terms that I still want to be her friend, I want to know how her day went and so on, but she has a confidant in the other man, so trying to circumvent that without forcing her is not easy. I have to try to chip away at it, but I believe I need to extract myself from her life in the hopes that she might start reminding herself of the wonderful things about me and not just all of this stress that she has seen the last months.

 

Have a wonderful night or day whichever the case. Yours are words to live by.

 

FrenchmanFL

[frenchmanfl]

Another question for everyone...if you read my original post you saw all of the details of my situation. How I know she is having an EA and most either has or will be in a PA.

 

As mentioned to give her the space she believes she needs she wanted to do a partial move out to whom I know is her " boyfriend ". I couldn't deal with that so I asked to move out completely.

 

Today was the first night of her moving out but she had to come home to pick something up, she was still wearing her wedding ring, why ? I just don't get it. We separated and I basically handed her over to her boyfriend, why would she continue wearing it ?

 

I noticed and asked her " your wearing your wedding ring ? " she gave the what did you expect look and then said " don't " as in don't make it anything.

 

Cab some one please give me some insight, It will require reading the first post to get a full picture.

 

And..before anyone answers...neither of us have been to church in years, so it's not out of a religious belief that until she signs the divorce ( whic she has backed away from anytime I have brought it up ). Why would she wear her ring when I know she is emotionally and spiritually disconnected from me ?

[robf1971]

Why would she wear her ring when I know she is emotionally and spiritually disconnected from me ?

 

Please do not read anything into this. Please stop blaming yourself, we all have hard times. Yes you contributed 50% to the demise of your marriage but so did she. However, her cheating is ENTIRELY her fault. You do not blame yourself for this sh*t one little bit. You hear me?

[imagine]

She wears her ring because you are married until divorced. This is based upon your vow when you got married.

 

I agree with your dad. She needs to see changes. Talk less do more!

 

Go to marriagebuilders site. Study their articles and read about Plan A and Plan B.

[robf1971]

. May I ask if you believe that I made the correct decision to ask her to move out into that house ?

 

Absolutely, you showed strength and she has probably gained a modicum of respect for you. Please listen to me, I have reconciled my marriage and know what you need to do.

 

I didn't read all your original post (too long, no offence) but stop blaming this on an MLC. It's just a p*ss poor excuse for adult bad behaviour. Man up, toughen up stop acting like a victim. Do not start throwing divorce papers at her but for heaven's sake CONTACT A LAWYER. Get a legal separation agreement, along with a legal custody agreement so she can't play hardball with your child.

 

No more words from you to her unless it's about childcare. Talk is cheap, confident, firm quiet actions are needed from you. After contacting a lawyer, drop your wife like a bad habit.

 

No emailing, calling, texting nothing, Nada unless it's about your kid and important. If she contacts you, ignore it unless it's about the kids. She keeps calling you? maybe answer occasionally. When you answer, you are always upbeat and happy and busy " Wife, I'd love to talk but I gotta be out of here in 10" bye. Make her damn well wonder what you are up to for a change.

 

You will start gettng a life, going out, meeting new friends, hooking up with old friends, this is for your own sanity. Keep fit, eat well take care of yourself, forget about her actions, stop reading stuff into what she's doing.

 

Another thing, when you make these changes, she is going to be trying every way to bait you into an argument, The moment she raises her voice

"wife, until you can speak to me in a civil and friendly manner this conversation is over, Bye"

 

Anyway there's loads more but this is more than enough for you to be thinking about for now

[frenchmanfl]

Thank you all...I only got three hours sleep last night but it was all positive thought. My heart keeps pounding in my chest and it's going to take time to adjust but I know I cannot keep going like this.

 

I am going to start building my new life and right now I simply don't see a way back for me. This has gone too far and I cannot see myself ever allowing my wife back into my world and heart. In retrospect now I see how much longer this relationship she is having has been going on, basically since I arrived here in Miami 6 months ago, and likely longer.

 

I AM going to cut her off, with as advised " cut her off " so to speak. My son will take place number one. I am looking into legal separation, because last night I thought hard about drawing up a informal list of tiny stipulations which revolved exclusively around custody of my son because I am realizing that no matter how much her love once was for me and how rational I know she is under normal circumstances, that these are not those times, so I want protection. Whether she signs off is another story but I will not antagonize, get her paul hancock and then....

 

Thank you all for the advice. I will be checking in for support from you all possibly daily. I needed this guidance and help from people who obviously care and are using reason. Something I have lacked lately.

[frenchmanfl]

Hi Robf, I forgot to single you out to thank...thank you ! As my post above mentions last night was a watershed moment for me, whereby I am looking at this as time to move on too. Whether reconciliation is possible at some point is not longer a concern.

 

One question I do have because you brought up legal separation is that Florida does not recognize legal separations. I am only, for now, ildly concerned that my wife might use my son, but I doubt it. But I want protection.

 

If I were to draft my own custody document and got her to sign it " in an informal manner " would this prove that she felt a certain way at a certain point ( agreeing to 50/50 custody and so on ) ?

[robf1971]

Hi Robf, I forgot to single you out to thank...thank you ! As my post above mentions last night was a watershed moment for me, whereby I am looking at this as time to move on too. Whether reconciliation is possible at some point is not longer a concern.

 

One question I do have because you brought up legal separation is that Florida does not recognize legal separations. I am only, for now, ildly concerned that my wife might use my son, but I doubt it. But I want protection.

 

If I were to draft my own custody document and got her to sign it " in an informal manner " would this prove that she felt a certain way at a certain point ( agreeing to 50/50 custody and so on ) ?

 

Hi,

 

I'm in the UK, which believe me has it's own issues on these matters. My advice? leave it to a lawyer.

[frenchmanfl]

last question before I run off to work...do I continue to wear my wedding ring ? thank you all again...