eparkerc83 Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 Ex has a new boyfriend and it's incredibly painful I am in a great deal of pain over my ex-girlfriend. We dated for about 1.5 years and then broke up. At first we broke up because we were fighting too much and a lot of tension. We fought mostly because of strain she was putting on the relationship because of fears she had about the intensity of her own feelings for me and fears she had about whether my jewish family could accept her (she actually secretly read an email from my parents to me expressing such concerns but never told me she read it, which she regrets). Then some time went by and we got back together. The fighting and the jealousy crept back in, I grew weary and broke it off again. Then some time went by and we got back together but this time it wasn't really getting back together because i felt a strong fear of committment. i don't know if my fear was of committment in general or fear of committing to someone with whom I had so many problems. Naturally my difficulty in commitment put the strain back on the relationship and I broke it off again. Then we had another try at this minimum commitment relationship and no surprise that didnt work. Well I've tried reconnecting with her again. And this is probably a good place to say why I keep reconnecting. I'm pretty sure I keep doing it because I love her. She is very, very beautfiul (it really cannot be overstated) and she is often very sweet to me and she is smart and we share an interest in many of the same things, i could be myself around her, our sex life was incredible. But good god we were fighting alot and she could be quite cold and angry and jealous and insecure and we would grind gears quite badly. Let alone the compounded mistrust and resentment not only between she and I but between her friends/family and me as well. So I tried reconnecting and found out that she has a new boyfriend - which seems hard to imagine i guess because we ended (at least the most recent go around) very recently and I actually could not imagine trying to be with someone else right now. So predictably I am really pretty devastated by this and now I have this hyper idealized version of her in my mind and i could care less about whatever problems we may have had. i've convinved myself that we can fix them. And the nostalgia, which has always been intense for me, is more intense than ever. I am thinking back to all the beautiful times we've spent together and forgetting all the rest and it's anihilating me. What should I do?
JasonRules Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 So I tried reconnecting and found out that she has a new boyfriend Ever heard of "Ignorance is bliss"? Or "Curiousity killed the cat"? When you break up and go NC (no contact) you do not try to reconnect, you do not ask questions about her status, you do not ask friends about her, you tell your friends not to tell you anything about her, you remove her from FB, you remove her from your mobile, and you remove all the pictures of you together from your sight. What you did was ask for trouble by finding out she is with someone else. Personally, I would just go NC and forget about her. Yes, you can mourn or feel sad, but as time goes by you'll start feeling much better.
iceweasel6 Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 Damn dude. That's tough. If it was after a recent breakup from you, I would leave it alone and let it play out. I can't even say I would do heroic measures like propose - because I wouldn't want a proposal under those circumstances. I'm curious as to why when you got back together with her if you knew how you felt about her you didn't pop the question?? If you failed to commit, and she's as good looking and great personality as you say, there will be a secure dude out there who will step up to the plate. I would follow JasonRules suggestion and go NC and forget about her. No good can come from this.
idontunderstand Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 You have to let her go, stay NC, and then see what happens. When I found out that my ex was dating again, I was the same way like you. I agree with the others and say forget about her. If she wants to come back around later, it'll be up to you to decide if she's still worth it.
knathema Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 Ever heard of "Ignorance is bliss"? Or "Curiousity killed the cat"? When you break up and go NC (no contact) you do not try to reconnect, you do not ask questions about her status, you do not ask friends about her, you tell your friends not to tell you anything about her, you remove her from FB, you remove her from your mobile, and you remove all the pictures of you together from your sight. What you did was ask for trouble by finding out she is with someone else. Personally, I would just go NC and forget about her. Yes, you can mourn or feel sad, but as time goes by you'll start feeling much better. I agree with Jason here, i found out the hard way. The second day after we broke up, i was too curious and i found out that she was seeing somebody else. That pain was so unbearable but it's forcing me to face the reality and move on for good. Now that i know she is seeing somebody else, i have gone completely NC, NO FB, nothing related to her at all. I am just focusing on myself, school and keeping myself busy.
momentforlife Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 awful... when i was reading all i paid attention to is you got back together. gave me some hope. im so sorry your in pain. i hope you find your own happiness where anger and jelousey doees not exsist
radiodarcy Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 hi eparker, i am in the same boat as you. the difference is - - my ex at least gave me the courtesy of telling me he was going to start dating when he dumped me - - harsh i know. and even after that i was dumb enough to stay friends with him. it only lasted a few weeks because he would make it a point of telling me about dates he had lined up - - not to mention fill me in on the gory details the next day i knew if i couldn't handle the dating process there was no way i was going to handle the situation once he did find someone he wanted to settle down with. so i told him as much and went NC. the first couple of weeks felt like a prison sentence. but over time, i've come to see NC as my protection. as jasonrules says, ignorance is bliss. i have no idea if my ex is seeing someone now or not and i really dont care to know. because what good is knowing going to do? absolutely NOTHING. if anything it's going to make me feel worse. all i can do is take it day by day and focus on myself. and i would suggest you do the same. just keep posting here for support and take it day by day.
tmesis Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 Don't forget why you repeatedly broke up with your girlfriend. She is entitled to move on and get with someone else - after all she's the dumpee - and no doubt it is difficult for you but in time you will move on too. You went with your heart and made the right decision, so go enjoy yourself.
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