TheyCallMeBruce Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 I'm almost 28, and I've had 3 significant girlfriends in my life. One for just over 3 years, one for 3.5, the other for just under 5. In each case, I'd known the girl for years before feelings developed and we started dating. A few months ago, my most recent girlfriend (of 3.5 years) and I broke up. It hurt, but it was mostly mutual, and we both knew it was for the best; neither of us was really happy anymore, and it was plain to both of us that our long-term goals no longer jived. No longer being a student, and with a series of part-time jobs that aren't good bets to help me find the kind of girl I'm looking for, I bit the bullet and turned to online dating. I'd never tried it before, but I have several friends who have seen outstanding results and are now in excellent relationships or marriages with people they met online. After a couple of weeks, I wasn't making much progress. I'd chatted a few girls up, but I hadn't found anyone that really made me want to take the next step. I was starting to lose faith, and then I just randomly sent an IM to this girl that had an intriguing profile and a cute picture. We immediately hit it off, and our conversation, which was very open, lasted for several hours until the wee hours of the morning (despite the fact that she had to be off for business at 6am the next day (or that day, technically). This was Monday night/Tuesday morning, and we agreed to meet that Friday for a date. She was out of state the next day for business, but we still kept in contact by phone all day, either texting or talking in the evening when she was out of her seminars. And this despite the fact that I had never given my phone number to a girl through an online dating site and that she, despite having been a member of the site for 7 months, had never given her number to someone that quickly. During our conversations, I asked her if she would like to move our meeting up to the next day. I was very interested to meet her, as she seemed very smart, sassy, and funny. She agreed, and we decided to meet at 10pm Wednesday night for drinks after I got out of music rehearsal. (of note: we actually live less than 10 minutes apart) I met her, and despite her warnings not to get too excited, found her stunning. She was adorable, and just as fun as she'd been online. We had a great time, closed the bar (1am), and spent the next hour and a half talking/making out in the parking lot across the street. Here's where things get tricky: she has been single for three years, and isn't ready to jump into anything. However, we've hung out twice more since then (had our date on Friday and then she came to see my band play Saturday night), and we've had a great time both times. We haven't gone far physically, just kissing and touching, and neither of us has been to the other's home. However, I've never been much for hiding my emotions, and somehow I made it very clear that I'm incredibly enamored with her. She likes me, and seems to enjoy spending time with me and talking with me, but wants to take it much slower. She keeps telling me that even talking to and seeing each other as much as we do is a huge step for her, but I feel like I'm losing my mind. I don't do this. As ludicrous as it sounds, I feel like I've fallen in love with this girl already. I can't seem to reign in my emotions at all, and instead either shower her with affection or hold back emotionally, both of which I think she doesn't like. I feel like, more than anything, I just want to be with this girl, but she's very guarded and wants time to make her decision. Basically, I'm trying to prepare myself for the worst: that she concludes that she just wants to be friends, or some other such nonsense. I don't know what I'm looking for on here, but I registered for this site exclusively so I could talk to people about this issue, as I feel like an idiot telling my friends that I've fallen in love with a girl inside of a week of knowing she exists. I don't know what to do. Thoughts?
OliveOyl Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 I just wanted to say "Welcome to LS" Sometimes things do happen very quickly. The only thing I can say is take a deep breath, smile, and be enormously grateful you've met someone you seem to click with so well... regardless of what happens. She probably wants to take it slow to know you're a kind of guy who will stick around, and not "hit it and quit it" or anything like that. One step at a time... and if she seems to pull back slightly, cool off, but don't withdraw completely. There are natural ebbs and flows.
NoMagicBullet Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 It sounds like you're in the early stages of dating, and infatuation has hit you pretty hard. I think the best thing you can do, as hard as it is, is to dial down those emotions and find that mid-point between showing everything and nothing. Not just for her, but for you, too - you need to get to know her better and not let your emotions make you blind to any red flags or potential problems.
Author TheyCallMeBruce Posted April 28, 2011 Author Posted April 28, 2011 I appreciate the input. In a lot of ways, I feel like I just need to talk through this, so I'm emotionally prepared for the very real possibility that she decides she isn't interested. However, so far, I like everything about her, which I think is confusing to her. I don't think she's used to getting a lot of positive feedback from men. She's very intelligent, and can hold her own in a conversation with anyone. That's my #1 concern for a potential girlfriend, and she passed with flying colors. However, she is very preoccupied with her weight. She isn't fat, but she could stand to lose maybe 5-10 pounds. I think she's adorable. I think she's a little put off because, while I'm not a men's health cover model, I'm good looking enough that I never have problems with girls. She was very intimidated by my last girlfriend, who was very petite (about 4'11" and maybe 90-95 pounds), despite that not being my normal type. This girl is 5'7" and curvy. That's more my speed since I'm about 6'1" and pretty bulky. I was astounded when she asked if my friends thought she was pretty enough for me. Anyway, I'm rambling. The point is that, objectively, I need to stop worrying and just let it either happen or not. I just really, really hope it does. She legitimately has the best personality of any girl I've ever gone out with. She's brilliant, snarky, sarcastic, open, sexy, warm, and she totally shredded this guy at a party when he was being a douchebag. Ok, now I'm just gushing. This needs to stop. Sorry for the tangent, and thanks for the input.
Author TheyCallMeBruce Posted April 28, 2011 Author Posted April 28, 2011 The other problem that I'm having is that I feel very unsure about this whole situation, but unlike in a conventional relationship in which both parties feel approximately the same amount of affection for the other, I know it would make her uncomfortable if I told her I needed more attention from her. And she'd be right, since she's only known me for a freaking week. It's an awkward combination, because she clearly wants to take things very slowly, and wait to decide what she wants. She's been very open and honest about this, and has made it clear that she won't be upset if I'm not OK with that. But she also said that she'd like to give it a shot and see where it might go. And then I, on the other hand, apparently want to go super-fast and run away together tomorrow and elope, or something equally insane. I've never felt so irrational in my entire life, and I've been dating in some capacity for a pretty long time.
AstroZombie138 Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 Hey Bruce--just want to share that I met a girl last Friday that I've become a little overly infatuated with myself. We had our first official date the other night and I thought it went really well. Anyway, I've had to work on dialing it back some as I can be an "over-texter" and tend to internalize things a lot. I really want to see her again soon but I'm picking my spots. She invited me to a Bible study group and while part of me wanted to go just to see her again I decided that I should politely decline as I'm quite the agnostic. (The whole her being Christian and me being not-so-much might be a another topic) But I totally understand wanting to go super-fast (I was already planning our 2nd date before we actually set up our first) with girls. I've done it both physically and mentally/emotionally in the past and it usually doesn't end up well. I'm challenging myself by not texting her at all tomorrow and on through Friday evening (unless she texts me, of course). Maybe you can find something similar to help reel in this infatuation?
Author TheyCallMeBruce Posted April 28, 2011 Author Posted April 28, 2011 Yeah, that's one of the things, though. She seems to have no problem communicating with me all the time. Like she called me this morning when she left her apartment and talked to me her whole drive to work. She asked if we could go for a walk tonight to talk, which could be really good, really bad, or totally neutral. So, yeah.
AstroZombie138 Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 Good luck on your walk! Good, neutral, or bad, please share.
Author TheyCallMeBruce Posted April 29, 2011 Author Posted April 29, 2011 Good luck on your walk! Good, neutral, or bad, please share. Just got home. Things went well. She's still not ready to commit, but she has me thinking more positively right now. We're going to have lunch on Sunday. I'm feeling giddy.
johan Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 I went through this kind of thing recently. I wasn't feeling "in love" necessarily, but I was really into her and just wanted more all the time. Not really more seriousness, just more touching, companionship, closeness, etc.. We talked on the phone or texted ALL the time. We both initiated that. We saw each other the first night and things really clicked. And I couldn't really get enough. But she could. She liked me, too, but I was bringing a lot more enthusiasm to the relationship than she was ready for. Maybe she would never have been ready for it. Or maybe it was too much too soon. But it didn't last. Or at least there's nothing going on right now. I don't know what to advise you really. If you do anything except be what you are, it will be an awkward act. If you feel it, it kind of has to come out or else you'll just come off as weird. I'd say definitely think twice about your feelings of love, and for God's sake don't say it. The thing I've been thinking about today is validation. Where are you getting it in life? If you're getting it from her, then you're vulnerable to a change in tone from her (which could come at any time). She may not want to be a source of validation for you. Find another source. Then she won't feel so needed, and maybe she'll start doing a bit of needing on her own. But if she says she wants to go slow, then you'd better find a way to go slow.
D-Lish Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 I agree, if she's asking to go slow- go slow. Don't do it just for her- do it for you too. My ex almost drove me away in the beginning because he wanted to take things to the next level so quickly. Don't put her on a pedestal- that might become a real issue down the road. All this feeling like you could love her stuff is coming from a place that isn't reality. When you put someone on a pedestal so soon, you put far too much pressure on someone, and you create too many false expectations for yourself. You SHOULD slow down, take a step back, and just enjoy the process of getting to know someone. The woman you are idealizing right now isn't going to be the same woman you know in 6 months- that's just reality. So step back and get to know the real her, and recognize this process takes time.
AstroZombie138 Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 I do the pedestal thing all the time with girls which is why with the girl I just met I'm definitely making a conscious effort to dial it back (I have a tendency to text any random thought or question that pops in my mind anyway). Glad you're still in there, Bruce. Just stay with her pace. Sounds like the mutual interest is there.
Author TheyCallMeBruce Posted May 1, 2011 Author Posted May 1, 2011 I've seen her a couple more times. We're starting to get a little physical, but not too crazy. Most just making out, but you know how that tends to go. I went to a bar and got drunk tonight, and she offered to come pick me up. It was super out of her way, but a big part of me wanted to accept just because I wanted to see her. I know that's super ****ty and selfish, and I didn't do it, but it's crazy how much this girl is in my head. I've literally known her for less than two weeks, and I think about her for like 95% of my waking day. Anyway, we're getting together tomorrow to do something, but we haven't decided what yet. I'll keep everyone updated.
Author TheyCallMeBruce Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 In case anyone is still interested, things are not going as well. She seems to have lost interest. I'm having trouble pulling back emotionally. I knew that this was going to happen, and prepared very poorly for it, and now I'm in for a world of ****. Good thing I've got a fresh scrip of Xanax.
johan Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 It happens a lot, Bruce. But try to be patient, and maybe you'll find she hasn't really lost interest. And above all, try to be cool about it. But if it's true, you won't be the first guy to go through this. And she probably won't be the last one to do it to you.
welikeincrowds Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 General rule of thumb, that I actually picked up from another poster here that has resonated with my own experience: If someone tells you not to trust them, or gives you some other kind of verbal warning: take it at face value. No point in waiting around for evidence. Meanwhile, if someone tells you to trust them, or asserts something else affirmative about themselves: worthless at face value. You need to witness that behavior for yourself.
Author TheyCallMeBruce Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 It happens a lot, Bruce. But try to be patient, and maybe you'll find she hasn't really lost interest. And above all, try to be cool about it. But if it's true, you won't be the first guy to go through this. And she probably won't be the last one to do it to you. The really frustrating part here is that I know better. I'm not a kid; I've been at this game for a while, and I know you can't just go ape**** for someone that you've just met. A girl I used to date had a best friend that would go on a lot of first dates with guys and then go insane and text constantly until she scared them off. I never understood her, because I was always way better at keeping my cool with girls. I just never cared this much, this quickly. It's probably not going to work out, and that's almost certainly because of my behavior (though I think she is simply more interested in another guy she's been seeing casually), but what I'd really like to know is what the hell it is about this particular girl that has turned me into such an insane person. As I said, she has an amazing personality, but I still can't believe how out of control I feel. It's 2am, and I can't even think about getting to bed because I can't stop obsessing over her. And I've started to turn to drugs and alcohol to relax myself, because she makes me feel so anxious. I have been, up to this point, a very rare pot smoker who has a few drinks tops maybe once or twice a week, with virtually no issue with prescription drugs. The last couple of weeks, I've been drinking and/or smoking almost every night just to relax myself, and have often required a Xanax to fall asleep because I'm so completely wrapped up in this girl mentally. I'm feeling super-anxious about it, and I can't figure out what else to do. I know it's incredibly unhealthy, but I feel like skipping meals and not going to sleep isn't any better, and that's what is happening otherwise. I need to just get her out of my head, but I haven't the first clue how to do that.
AstroZombie138 Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 I know you mentioned she might be interested in another guy, but what has she actually said or done for you to conclude that she's lost interest?
Author TheyCallMeBruce Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 I know you mentioned she might be interested in another guy, but what has she actually said or done for you to conclude that she's lost interest? She stated today pretty clearly that we need to take a step back. She said she's not feeling any closer to being "ready" to take the next step, and she's afraid that she's hurting me. I keep trying to tell her to not worry about it, but she is worrying about it, and objectively, she's right to. After all, the whole thing is basically making me non-functional. She told me that she's seeing other people, and was pretty open about being more likely to want to date this other guy in the near future. Or something. Basically it sounded like they had been seeing each other pretty regularly, and he wanted to slow down to figure things out. Apparently I contacted her like a day or two after that, and that was one of the reasons she was willing to talk to me. I don't know the specifics of the situation with the other guy, and she said she might tell him to go screw if he comes back since she put herself out there and he kind of blew her off. I really feel like I just need to not get my hopes up and forget about this, and if she changes her mind and comes around, then it will be a nice surprise. But I don't really think that's in the cards.
johan Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 As I said, she has an amazing personality, but I still can't believe how out of control I feel. It's 2am, and I can't even think about getting to bed because I can't stop obsessing over her. I need to just get her out of my head, but I haven't the first clue how to do that. I don't know. Sometimes they just have something different that gets you hooked. I went through this just recently, and was surprised at how interested I was in her. Because she wasn't really what I was looking for. There were things about her that were the opposite of what I wanted. But there was something about her that had me hooked. Did you sleep with her? It takes a little while to get off the hook though. You're just going to have to endure it until it gets out of your system. You haven't known her for long, so it shouldn't take long to let her go. And I wouldn't recommend relying on drugs, legal or not, to help. Or alcohol. I think they are just going to make you feel worse.
Author TheyCallMeBruce Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 We have not slept together. In fact, the physical stuff hasn't really gone all that far. The most significant thing we did was make out and dry hump a little. The thing about this girl is that she IS exactly what I was looking for, excluding the fact that she's somewhat emotionally unavailable. Her personality is amazing, and she's smart and independent. Given how much of a royal screw-up my ex was (I was constantly dealing with crises in that relationship), the idea of being with a girl who has a good job that she is successful at is incredibly appealing. Alas, as I said, I don't think it's up to me anymore. I had my chance, and in my over-eagerness, I think I probably blew it.
zengirl Posted May 3, 2011 Posted May 3, 2011 She told me that she's seeing other people, and was pretty open about being more likely to want to date this other guy in the near future. Or something. Basically it sounded like they had been seeing each other pretty regularly, and he wanted to slow down to figure things out. Apparently I contacted her like a day or two after that, and that was one of the reasons she was willing to talk to me. Good on her for being honest about this, but it basically means you'll get nowhere good. She's into somebody else, and still into him even though he's made himself unavailable, even if that blows up and goes nowhere the phase where she met you will probably spell doom for anything between you two, at least in the near future. But, frankly, I admire her honesty. Sounds like a quality person at least. Sometimes these things don't work out. It probably had less to do with you, at all, than you think, FWIW.
Author TheyCallMeBruce Posted May 3, 2011 Author Posted May 3, 2011 She definitely is a terrific person, and I appreciate that she's looking out for my feelings, too. I've actually been trying to talk to some other girls on the website, but my heart really isn't in it. Ironically, my laid-back, sarcastic, and goofy responses seem to be making these girls more intrigued, and I don't really give a damn. Life sure ****s you over sometimes.
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