Experience & options regarding attraction

[change]

Have you lost attraction for your spouse? Has your spouse lost attraction for you? Have you rekindled your attraction for your spouse? Has your spouse rekindled your attraction?

 

I'd love to hear all experiences and opinions.

 

So you know where I'm coming from:

 

Married 7 years. Separated four weeks.

 

I'm in the middle of a 'healing separation' (until end of July) in which we are both able to date other people (I have no interest in doing such), and we will be working initially on our close friendship -- and then seeing what happens from there.

 

My spouse has this confidence and exuberance with the space I've given her that makes her even more sexy and amazing than when we were married. (How is that possible?!?!) My goal is to develop the same via the 180, in hopes of winning her attraction back.

Edited April 27, 2011 by change

[Yasuandio]

Have you lost attraction for your spouse? Has your spouse lost attraction for you? Have you rekindled your attraction for your spouse? Has your spouse rekindled your attraction?

 

I'd love to hear all experiences and opinions.

 

So you know where I'm coming from:

 

Married 7 years. Separated four weeks.

 

I'm in the middle of a 'healing separation' (until end of July) in which we are both able to date other people (I have no interest in doing such), and we will be working initially on our close friendship -- and then seeing what happens from there.

 

My spouse has this confidence and exuberance with the space I've given her that makes her even more sexy and amazing than when we were married. (How is that possible?!?!) My goal is to develop the same via the 180, in hopes of winning her attraction back.

 

Change, this is the most bizarre arrangment I have ever heard of other than "Open Marriage," and "Trade Keys," concepts of the 60's. How in the heck would you ever agree to such a thing? And to change her FB status to Single only adds insult to injury. I just have to tell you the truth, this is not too swift.

 

What is your wife to you, and what are you willing to put up with? Is your wife a rubber tire to be road-tested with other men, and if she doesn't like the ride she'll just ratchet herself back onto your vehicle? You're just going along with her wishes because you love her so much, right?

 

Granting your wife such permission to have the "single life" during a sham "healing separation" demonstrates that you are desparate, willing to endure any unacceptable behavior, and have hit Rock Bottom.

 

Do you really think she will ever respect you? Look what your willing to tolerate! This is absolutly pathetic.

 

The reason you see your wife more desirable, sexy, and amazing is because you perceive that she is out of your reach, or unattainable. What you have agreed to has only made this more of a liklihood.

 

A marital partner that decides that they want to live the single life, for whatever period of time, with no good reason, in the absence of mental/physical abuse, is asking to be served with divorce papers.

 

I'm sorry, but you buried your questions within a context that could not be overlooked.

Edited April 27, 2011 by Yasuandio

[change]

Change, this is the most bizarre arrangment I have ever heard of other than "Open Marriage," and "Trade Keys," concepts of the 60's. How in the heck would you ever agree to such a thing? And to change her FB status to Single only adds insult to injury. I just have to tell you the truth, this is not too swift.

 

What is your wife to you, and what are you willing to put up with? Is your wife a rubber tire to be road-tested with other men, and if she doesn't like the ride she'll just ratchet herself back onto your vehicle? You're just going along with her wishes because you love her so much, right?

 

Granting your wife such permission to have the "single life" during a sham "healing separation" demonstrates that you are desparate, willing to endure any unacceptable behavior, and have hit Rock Bottom.

 

Do you really think she will ever respect you? Look what your willing to tolerate! This is absolutly pathetic.

 

The reason you see your wife more desirable, sexy, and amazing is because you perceive that she is out of your reach, or unattainable. What you have agreed to has only made this more of a liklihood.

 

A marital partner that decides that they want to live the single life, for whatever period of time, with no good reason, in the absence of mental/physical abuse, is asking to be served with divorce papers.

 

I'm sorry, but you buried your questions within a context that could not be overlooked.

 

There are parts of what you say that I agree with. On the other hand, there are parts of what you said that are extremely harsh and could have been delivered with at least a modicum of tact or thought.

 

Her therapist is pushing her to do what she is "afraid of" from what I can tell. Her therapist has asked her if she wants to work on the marriage or if she is just afraid of leaving something comfortable and afraid of being alone. My wife can't seem to answer that question.

 

What does dating other people have to do with it? I don't know.

 

She's never behaved this way before. Not a shred of any of this personality that I'm now seeing during out entire marriage. I love her and I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt that this is a phase. If it's not, then I'll have some questions to answer when we get back together for myself. I'm willing to take that risk.

 

I believe that I'm dealing with a combination of the unhappiness caused by my depression and our sexless marriage -- with some kind of quarter life crisis mixed in. She hadn't realized until she left that she'd never lived alone. Never really been single. Never casually dated. We met when we were 19.

 

I'm not looking to excuse the behavior. I was adamant that adding other people to the mix was not the right thing to do if she had any thought of reconciling and was at all unsure. For her own reasons, this seems to be part of her process. Because of a variety of external circumstances, our friends, her coworkers, and her therapist are all giving her the thumbs up to pursue this while she thinks about us. At least, that's what it looks like to me.

 

It seems that what you're telling me to do, Yasuandio, is to give her an ultimatum and then break it off completely? What purpose do you see that serving?

 

I hate what's happening right now. Hate, hate, hate it. But when I ask her about having a conversation about breaking financial ties, she gets upset and says that she doesn't want to make those decisions for three months.

 

Is this fair to me? No. Was what I did to her during the marriage fair? No.

 

Really. You clearly think I'm acting like a doormat and displaying no self respect. You may be right. But I still doesn't see that the door to the marriage is closed completely, because I know my wife, and I know that if it were closed completely -- I would know. So what else would you, or anyone else, have me do?

[Yasuandio]

You are right, Change, I was and am completely harsh and tactless. I get that way when I see a post that really annoys me. I am very sorry. My annoyance is not your problem, and I should have expressed my ideas absent my personal reaction/emotion. This is definitely an area I need to work on. I will do my best to avoid this mistake in the future. Thank you for pointing this error out to me. Again, my sincerest apologies. Good Luck to You! Yas

[change]

You are right, Change, I was and am completely harsh and tactless. I get that way when I see a post that really annoys me. I am very sorry. My annoyance is not your problem, and I should have expressed my ideas absent my personal reaction/emotion. This is definitely an area I need to work on. I will do my best to avoid this mistake in the future. Thank you for pointing this error out to me. Again, my sincerest apologies. Good Luck to You! Yas

 

Yas -- You didn't need to apologize. I understand your point of view, I just wanted to point out that the delivery was lacking.

 

I've appreciated your feedback and wisdom on this board, and I hope to continue to learn from you. I hope we all continue to learn.

 

My response may have been out of stride as well; after a morning of feeling anger at the situation, I'm back to feeling more lonely and hopeless than I think I've ever felt in my life. I'm doing dishes in our home and continuing to organize and clean, while realizing that she's not going to suddenly show up on the doorstep to talk. She's not going to call. She hasn't called or communicated about anything other than "business matters" in a week... other than to forward an email my way that she thought I'd be interested in. I'm having trouble finding a place to rent with my income alone on the lease, and she even refused to help me... while telling me she still doesn't want to make any decisions. Meanwhile she's going out to bars with single friends. I'm devastated beyond anything I had ever anticipated. Especially since she had WANTED to go to MC only a week and a half ago.

 

I'm rambling. I'm sorry.

 

Anyway, I think both of our responses were likely harsher than necessary. Truce?

[linwood]

Change,

 

I don`t agree with your "Healing separation".

 

I think you`re asking for trouble.

 

However since it is what it is you should use it to your advantage.

 

You say you have no interest in dating.

You should find an interest in it fast.

 

Every woman I ever knew loses interest in what she has after awhile.

Every woman I ever knew found that interest rekindled immediately when she thought she might be losing what she has.

 

If your wife thought you were dating someone and enjoying it I almost guarantee she`d find an immediate interest in you, your life and anything else that has to do with you.

 

Unless of course she`s just "over it" entirely.

Either way it`s a simple way to find out where you stand.

[threebyfate]

I don't know your background but you shouldn't need to prove yourself to someone who honestly loves you. Forget about winning her back.

 

Consider this a permanent separation and move on with your life. If you can get your energy together, date casually but don't get into another relationship while you're still hurting.

[change]

Change,

 

I don`t agree with your "Healing separation".

 

I think you`re asking for trouble.

 

However since it is what it is you should use it to your advantage.

 

You say you have no interest in dating.

You should find an interest in it fast.

 

Every woman I ever knew loses interest in what she has after awhile.

Every woman I ever knew found that interest rekindled immediately when she thought she might be losing what she has.

 

If your wife thought you were dating someone and enjoying it I almost guarantee she`d find an immediate interest in you, your life and anything else that has to do with you.

 

Unless of course she`s just "over it" entirely.

Either way it`s a simple way to find out where you stand.

 

When I agreed to it, I didn't know that she was planning to suddenly re-present herself to the world as single. I thought she needed to learn to be alone and see how that felt. I thought she needed space because her IC was suggesting that the relationship was codependent and she may be out of touch with her own needs. I also thought she might need, based on her IC's input, to casually date "strangers" to work on boundary issues. I never expected what I've gotten in the last week.

 

That said.... I don't know what in the world to do about it.

 

She still seems to think I just want us back because it's "easier." She has a lot of insecurities surrounding whether I am attracted to her or not. And whether I love her or not. I have no idea to what degree these concerns are lingering, because it should be rather apparent from my actions and words at this point that I both love her and am attracted to her.

 

Thus, my fear of the "make her jealous" line of reasoning.

 

Good lord, I never would have agreed to this had I known what it was going to become. We talked earlier in the week and she thanked me for giving her the freedom to discover herself. For taking the pressure off. She told me she was so happy that it "ought to be illegal." God that hurt. She also told me she felt so good not being "in limbo" anymore.

 

How the **** are we not in limbo?

 

Go out and meet people. I'm not even sure how to do that. She was the one that originally pursued me when we first met.

[change]

I don't know your background but you shouldn't need to prove yourself to someone who honestly loves you. Forget about winning her back.

 

Consider this a permanent separation and move on with your life. If you can get your energy together, date casually but don't get into another relationship while you're still hurting.

 

I think others in my life are pushing for that, too.

 

It's like an alien has snatched my loving wife away. I don't recognize her behavior in the slightest.

 

She's very... direct. And she hasn't made any efforts to spare my feelings. If she really thought it was "over, over" (as Divorce Remedy says at some point), I believe she would tell me.

 

She wants me to prove myself because I've really screwed up. Depression and a sexless marriage don't equal marital bliss. And I refused to go to IC, because I didn't see it as something that could be helped at the time. Turns out I was wrong. She's trying to decide if it's "too little, too late" or if she still wants to work on it.

 

I'm afraid that if I force myself to see other people, which I don't want to do, it will be the final nail in the coffin.

[Yasuandio]

Change, I just had a thought. Recently, DOT has been discussing the topic of abandonment in depth. What I learned from her postings fits your case in an indirect way.

 

(1) Could we say you, in a way, "abandoned" your wife during the depression phase when you refused help, and too, during the period you did not meet her need for intimacy?

 

(2) If so, now that you've "returned" so to speak, is it possible she could be experiencing the fight/flight syndrome (as she doesn't know for sure that you won't abandon her again)?

 

I hope DOT weighs in on this. She is extremely knowledgable. Or look up her recent posts. She even had a good article on this topic as I recall.

 

DOT = Dreamingoftigers

Edited April 30, 2011 by Yasuandio

[change]

Change, I just had a thought. Recently, DOT has been discussing the topic of abandonment in depth. What I learned from her postings fits your case in an indirect way.

 

(1) Could we say you, in a way, "abandoned" your wife during the depression phase when you refused help, and too, during the period you did not meet her need for intimacy?

 

(2) If so, now that you've "returned" so to speak, is it possible she could be experiencing the fight/flight syndrome (as she doesn't know for sure that you won't abandon her again)?

 

I hope DOT weighs in on this. She is extremely knowledgable. Or look up her recent posts. She even had a good article on this topic as I recall.

 

DOT = Dreamingoftigers

 

Yes and yes.

 

She did feel abandoned. She told me a couple weeks ago that it was like her husband died before -- and had suddenly returned and she didn't know what to make of it. She is afraid that I'm not making the changes permanently. She also has NO idea what she needs in order to trust me again, other than actions and time. (And meanwhile she's pursuing others.)

 

Fight/flight matches with her decision to do MC and meet regularly and then her sudden change back to "running mode" last week after her IC appointment. I don't know how to turn it around, though, other than to wait it out. And pray she doesn't meet someone else while she's in "flight" mode and disappear forever.

 

Any opinions on this? I'd love to hear DOT's thoughts, too.

 

I'll look for the thread you mentioned as well, Yas.

[change]

Now that I think about it, I think she even told me that I abandoned the marriage and abandoned her. This does fit. I think it also fits with her "pushing down" her feelings of attraction for me and hope that things would get better.

 

But how to show change through action when someone wants almost NC and is holding all the cards? And how to interrupt the fight/flight response from afar?

[Yasuandio]

Change, I searched for it back to page 12 on Nickfeet's thread. That's where I thought I read it.

 

But it could be somewhere in 1-11 on Craigs "is there hope" thread, or the last week of his thread.

 

I think the best thing to do is put out a thread asking "I'm looking for an LS member that has written about ABANDONMENT. I am not the one to ask. You must correspond with DOT. Due will get back to you.

 

ALSO...

I want to mention if you are not in agreement with that plan, you must call or email your wife immediately and explain that was not your understanding at all! And you do not agree with such "singles" conduct, like she is now describing. (That was the reason I was so perplexed when I read your thread! I just couldn't believe you agreed to something like that). Get this matter clarified right away! What she is expecting is totally OUT OF LINE. I have feeling most people would agree with that statement.

Edited April 30, 2011 by Yasuandio

[change]

ALSO...

I want to mention if you are not in agreement with that plan, you must call or email your wife immediately and explain that was not your understanding at all! And you do not agree with such "singles" conduct, like she is now describing. (That was the reason I was so perplexed when I read your thread! I just couldn't believe you agreed to something like that). Get this matter clarified right away! What she is expecting is totally OUT OF LINE. I have feeling most people would agree with that statement.

 

She seems to have a idea that the separation and not talking about or making decisions about "us" for three months will allow her to work through her conflicting emotions and make a reasonable decision. Because of her issues with trust and boundaries and intimacy, I think her therapist has also given her feedback that dating other people is a good idea. I don't even know if I'd have a such a problem with it given our specific marital problems, if we were also dating each other. Or going to MC. Or even talking.

 

I did convey to my wife that I was unclear that we were still "dating other people" under the new separation plan ... until she changed her Facebook status to single without any warning. I also conveyed that I was not ok with it. She has essentially told me that she needs to be able to explore and grow as a person -- and that she isn't obligated to me anymore. Basically, she said that although I may not like it, it was something she "needed" for herself and she was listening to her needs now, not mine.

 

This leaves me with very few options, in my mind.

 

I could:

 

(1) cut the trial separation off, and tell her that we need to divide up our stuff/finances, that it's over.

 

(2) tell her I will have no contact with her until she stops this behavior, but I doubt that would stop it, although I know she does want to come out on the other side of this as very close friends, if nothing else.

 

(3) do nothing and attempt to wait it out in hopes of demonstrating changes via actions once she agrees to at least see me in person once a week as friends

 

(4) ...?

 

She expressed a couple days ago that she was concerned about entering into any more financial commitments with me because had so many shared commitments already that might need to be divided up. I then asked if she wanted to talk about it in the next couple weeks and she said: "No, I don't want to talk about it until the end of the separation." I asked why, and if it was just so that I would be more financial soluble and better able to approach the dissolution of our tied finances (she earns most of our money). She acted hurt and said that wasn't what it was about at all, that she doesn't want to make any decisions about "us" until the end of the separation.

 

I don't get this. It's possible she acted hurt because I called her bluff. But she's been so direct in ways that have been so hurtful, that I can't imagine that she's lying. If she KNEW that she wanted out for sure, she'd say it. I think.

[dreamingoftigers]

I know that you 'rang'. LOL

 

I seem to be picking up a bit of a following here over the last month.

 

It is quite late here and I am babysitting three little ones overnight and I am also coming down with one helluva something.

 

I will have a look over stuff and try to get back before Monday.

 

I suggest personally calling Divorce Busters.

 

BTW I don't think that she will last 3 months no contact.

[change]

I know that you 'rang'. LOL

 

I seem to be picking up a bit of a following here over the last month.

 

It is quite late here and I am babysitting three little ones overnight and I am also coming down with one helluva something.

 

I will have a look over stuff and try to get back before Monday.

 

I suggest personally calling Divorce Busters.

 

BTW I don't think that she will last 3 months no contact.

 

Hahaha -- you've developed a following for a reason.

 

Please take the time you need and feel better.

 

I have both Divorce Remedy and Divorce Busting. I've contemplated calling them, but I just can't afford it right now. I'm working actively to gain more employment. It's one of the first things -- other than paying my now much higher rent and living costs -- on my list for the money that I'm hoping will come in. I can think of nothing more important to spend the money on than saving my marriage.

[Yasuandio]

She seems to have a idea that the separation and not talking about or making decisions about "us" for three months will allow her to work through her conflicting emotions and make a reasonable decision. Because of her issues with trust and boundaries and intimacy, I think her therapist has also given her feedback that dating other people is a good idea. I don't even know if I'd have a such a problem with it given our specific marital problems, if we were also dating each other. Or going to MC. Or even talking.

 

I did convey to my wife that I was unclear that we were still "dating other people" under the new separation plan ... until she changed her Facebook status to single without any warning. I also conveyed that I was not ok with it. She has essentially told me that she needs to be able to explore and grow as a person -- and that she isn't obligated to me anymore. Basically, she said that although I may not like it, it was something she "needed" for herself and she was listening to her needs now, not mine.

 

This leaves me with very few options, in my mind.

 

I could:

 

(1) cut the trial separation off, and tell her that we need to divide up our stuff/finances, that it's over.

 

(2) tell her I will have no contact with her until she stops this behavior, but I doubt that would stop it, although I know she does want to come out on the other side of this as very close friends, if nothing else.

 

(3) do nothing and attempt to wait it out in hopes of demonstrating changes via actions once she agrees to at least see me in person once a week as friends

 

(4) ...?

 

She expressed a couple days ago that she was concerned about entering into any more financial commitments with me because had so many shared commitments already that might need to be divided up. I then asked if she wanted to talk about it in the next couple weeks and she said: "No, I don't want to talk about it until the end of the separation." I asked why, and if it was just so that I would be more financial soluble and better able to approach the dissolution of our tied finances (she earns most of our money). She acted hurt and said that wasn't what it was about at all, that she doesn't want to make any decisions about "us" until the end of the separation.

 

I don't get this. It's possible she acted hurt because I called her bluff. But she's been so direct in ways that have been so hurtful, that I can't imagine that she's lying. If she KNEW that she wanted out for sure, she'd say it. I think.

 

OK. Let me make a suggestion. Simplfy everything. I totally get the over-analytical mind, because I am over-educated and cannot hardly figure out my seatbelt. Calm you mind. The answer is not as complex as it seems. Here's my suggestion on how to handle arrangment:

 

Don't talk about all the details, and how their related to her childhood and tie into her whatever issues she has in the marriage. It is here that she is yanking you around, and causing you confusion. Or, she is slowly gaslighting you because you are so desparate you'll apparenly put up with

anything.

 

I think you should redefine what a "healing separation" is according to a reseach authority (not what her theripist says. DOT knows all about that to.

Then, say something like....You are a married woman. I agreed to the above defined "healing separation" so that you may "find yourself," "experiment being confident," and have a chance to see if "my changes stick." However, there is no way that I ever agreed for you to live a "Singles Life," and present yourself as a single person in public. Nor did I realize that you intended to see other men under such cucumstances. Your "healing separation" you requested is for your own growth and reflection only. If we do not come to agreement on this, then I WILL NOT support a separation as you have started to reconfigure it.

 

Therefore, I suggestion you review the defination above. If your needs include dating, sexual encounters outside the marriage, and presenting yourself as a single woman, this is unacceptable.

 

No talk. Do it in writing. Let other posters respond to this idea first. Let DOT also respond on how your wife has revised your agreement.

Edited April 30, 2011 by Yasuandio

[PollyIvy]

Hi Change,

First let me say I'm very happy for you that you're over what sounds like a terrible bout of depression.

I too am married to a man with some sort of personality/mood disorder (totally undiagnosed but hello, I have noticed over the last 15 years that there are 2 versions of this man, and every morning, you never know which one you're going to get...) and I can tell you it's really really HARD. It's not just about sex. Although when your husband doesn't want you it's hurtful. It's about feeling totally alone in the marriage.

To me it sounds like your wife is overdoing it a little - the 'single' status, the exuberance... but she's probably very angry at you. I don't know how much she suffered when you were unwell, but I would bet that it was pretty lonely for her. And frustrating to not be able to 'fix' it (yes we women like to fix things too!)

I think you need to keep as calm as you can, and let her process things. She'll calm down after a while, and you'll see where you stand with her.

[PollyIvy]

And to answer your question about attraction:

I still find my H (who is hating on me hard) sexually attractive. I just think he's hot, always have.

However, there have been times when he's been particularly emotionally distant, that it has been hard to have sex with him.

I don't have a complex about my attractiveness any more than any other woman does (which I suppose means I do) but it used to hurt so much that he was so cold and distant.

I'm over it now, but my being 'over it' is really, really new.

[2.50 a gallon]

Change

 

In answer to your first post, yes, many times.

 

In my younger days I was a player. The twist is that when it comes to male looks I was probably one of the least attractive players of all time.

I am still short, 5' 6", now finally weigh over 150 pounds, but in my youth found it difficult to get to 135. Facial features, just a plain face. Basically I was short and skinny, nothing close to tall dark and handsome.

 

And yet, I dated at least a hundred women, between my 22nd year and age 34, when I finally married. And that includes a two and a half year hiatus when I got engaged to my Ex fiance, with whom I only cheated a couple of times.

 

So what did I have going for me. First of all I was confident, that is very attractive to women.

 

I played under the assumption that "Girls just want to have fun"

 

As to my skills - I learned to dance and dance well. I learned to cook and later learned how to cook gourmet. I learned to listen to women, let them talk and they will tell you how to seduce them. These were only part of my skills.

 

All of this led to my confidence in myself, and my ability to attract attractive women. Then my attitude, was you have your choice, you can have fun with me, dancing, fishing, going to sporting events, hiking, romantic walks, romantic evenings, skinny dipping in the pool, or I can find a replacement.

[change]

The confidence is a big one.

 

My wife has an amazing confidence about her right now. I saw it for the first time last week. She's never been sexier. I have no idea where she found it, but wow.

 

A mutual friend told me that if I could find that confidence, the world would be my oyster.

 

My wife also said at one point that if I could come back and pursue her with confidence, she wasn't sure what would happen.

 

Confidence. I was doing well building my confidence until she cut the MC and almost all contact.

[soserious1]

Now that I think about it, I think she even told me that I abandoned the marriage and abandoned her. This does fit. I think it also fits with her "pushing down" her feelings of attraction for me and hope that things would get better.

 

But how to show change through action when someone wants almost NC and is holding all the cards? And how to interrupt the fight/flight response from afar?

 

This is coming from a woman who divorced because my marriage became totally sexless and stayed that way for a long time.After months/years of trying everything you know to improve the intimacy in your marriage without success, you begin to doubt yourself, you begin to see yourself as ugly, worthless.. finally you realize how pathetic and desperate you look, groveling and begging for any crumb of affection... when you reach that last place you've got 3-4 choices, divorce, self medicate with drugs or etoh, have an affair or commit suicide .. I chose divorce as the most honorable, soul preserving course of action.

 

Once I reached that end point, of feeling pathetic even if my husband had done a complete turn around it would have been too little too late.

[change]

This is coming from a woman who divorced because my marriage became totally sexless and stayed that way for a long time.After months/years of trying everything you know to improve the intimacy in your marriage without success, you begin to doubt yourself, you begin to see yourself as ugly, worthless.. finally you realize how pathetic and desperate you look, groveling and begging for any crumb of affection... when you reach that last place you've got 3-4 choices, divorce, self medicate with drugs or etoh, have an affair or commit suicide .. I chose divorce as the most honorable, soul preserving course of action.

 

Once I reached that end point, of feeling pathetic even if my husband had done a complete turn around it would have been too little too late.

God. I can say that I truly never knew how much it harmed her. I thought it was about sexual needs... about sex. I had no idea how much it damaged her self worth. When I think about it, I sob. (I should.)

 

I'm so sorry that you had this experience, too.

 

When you filed for divorce with your husband, did you separate or think about working on it at all? Was there ever a reason given for what happened? Did you remain friends? I guess I'm looking to see how similar your situation was to mine.... because she is considering all options right now, at a distance.

 

I'm terrified that my wife wont forgive me. I can truly say that it will never happen again. It was the depression, but it was also... I've tried to keep it quiet on the boards but I might as well say some of it. It was also a huge body dysphoria issue on my part that my wife was fully aware of when we met. I'm dealing with it in a very final way right now. I can say without pause that it will never happen again ever.

[soserious1]

God. I can say that I truly never knew how much it harmed her. I thought it was about sexual needs... about sex. I had no idea how much it damaged her self worth. When I think about it, I sob. (I should.)

 

I'm so sorry that you had this experience, too.

 

When you filed for divorce with your husband, did you separate or think about working on it at all? Was there ever a reason given for what happened? Did you remain friends? I guess I'm looking to see how similar your situation was to mine.... because she is considering all options right now, at a distance.

 

I'm terrified that my wife wont forgive me. I can truly say that it will never happen again. It was the depression, but it was also... I've tried to keep it quiet on the boards but I might as well say some of it. It was also a huge body dysphoria issue on my part that my wife was fully aware of when we met. I'm dealing with it in a very final way right now. I can say without pause that it will never happen again ever.

 

 

Our situations are only similar in that my marriage was sexless due to my husband's repeated avoidance of sexual intimacy and his refusal to seek

counseling and help with me.

 

I stayed in the marriage and tried everything I could think of 2 fix things, I'd say the last year though was the process of a long goodbye because in hindsight by the time I'd started sleeping on the sofa, I knew things were too far gone to fix.

 

No, my ex and I are not friends (it turns out he had a porn addiction and had started surfing craig's list for women) my only contact with him is the alimony payment I make every month and even that involves zero direct contact.

 

Would we have remained friends had this just been a case of him truly loving me but being unattracted to me physically? No, while I would have felt deep sadness & wished him nothing but the best it wouldn't be possible to see/talk to him without remembering the years of pain and unpleasantness.

 

Sometimes it's just too little, too late, IMHO you reach a point of no return in a sexless marriage, a place where you just cannot recover from as sad as that may be.

 

Look at it this way, you are sad, grieving now, she was sad & grieving during all those painful years. Nobody comes out of something like this

emotionally unscathed.

[You Go Girl]

The confidence is a big one.

 

My wife has an amazing confidence about her right now. I saw it for the first time last week. She's never been sexier. I have no idea where she found it, but wow.

 

A mutual friend told me that if I could find that confidence, the world would be my oyster.

 

My wife also said at one point that if I could come back and pursue her with confidence, she wasn't sure what would happen.

 

Confidence. I was doing well building my confidence until she cut the MC and almost all contact.

 

Your wife endured a lot of despair over the last few years.

What she has done has found that place within herself that you can't touch...you can't taint...and she feels free because of it...because she could not find that place while in her despair. Does this sound right to you?

That does NOT mean that the decisions she is making are good ones, not at all.

She is flying high over this new freedom, which essentially, is detachment from the pain.

It feels good to be separated from pain, yes?

Getting compliments and attention from men is just icing her cake. Sounds like she is glowing...but it's a hot fire that will burn out, although it might take some time.

People don't stop loving others overnight, and fickleness of yes to MC one minute and I want to be free the next reveals that she is not grounded. She is on a temporary high.

Best thing you can do is not let yourself sink back into depression. Easier said than done, but she wants a man, not a mouse, type of thing. I'm not saying become someone you are not. I'm saying work on that side of yourself that she fell in love with in the first place.