BS-with respective questions

[N.A.]

I am a BS with some questions about NC. I am not here to bash anyone or judge. I have been on the other end of this as the OW and also know how you feel.

 

First being the OW for 10 years with someone who I thought loved me and respected me, let me just say that the light at the end of that tunnel took it's course and went black a long time ago. I waited and wanted to be with my MM for a long time. I thought that we were meant to be together, as stupid as that sounds, that is how I felt. When the ugly realization of our situation raised it's head I was devastated.

 

Fast Forward to now. I have been married for almost a decade, I thought happily to someone who was my "soul mate, best friend, etc.", however that doesn't seem to be the case anymore. I found out a few months ago that my husband has been having an affair with a co-worker and someone else. I know what the logical reaction to this would be, however I am not ready to give up on a decade of a lot of happiness and good times, not just yet.

 

I had my husband contact the OW and tell her that he is not leaving me and that they no longer have any contact. He is the one that asked that I give our marriage some time and work this out, so that is what I asked of him. He has been doing everything in his power to make this work, but of course because of the lies and level of betrayal I don't believe him and the one constant emotion I have right now is anger. I don't even feel love, period.

 

My question is this: After going NC with your AP, especially when the A was lengthy and heated, is it possible for the CH or yourself to stay no contact especially when you see that person every day at work? I know what my mind tells me, where it goes and where I have been. I guess I am just wondering if it is possible to save this marriage or if it is complete toast.

 

Thank you

[Circular]

From my own experience. If the A was lengthy (how long), heated and they still work together I'd say that's a recipe for failure.

 

I'd be concerned that your H was trying to pull a 'head em off at the pass' type maneuver, by saying lets work on our M and I'll go NC with my AP. Then behind the scenes try to figure out how to stay in contact with the AP.

 

One of the challenges I see is that it seems your H might be amenable to NC but if the A was an EA/PA you can sure bet the xAP is pulling out all the stops to try to bait him into keeping something going al la 'just friends'.

 

The only true way things can start to get better, heal, etc... is if your H finds a job somewhere else. Not always easy but your faced with a very daunting up hill battle if they're in the same environment. You may find that he's fine for the next 18 months, but eventually the gears start to slip again.

[Irishlove]

Is he in love with the OW or is he trying to work it out with just you?

[Spark1111]

NA, that is a recipe for disaster in trying to rebuild trust, IMO.

 

Like Circular said, if your WS is truly doing the right thing, you won't believe or trust it.

 

If he isn't doing the right thing, that thought alone will torture you and prevent you from trusting him.

 

How much contact are they forced to have daily? Does he tell you immediately if there has been contact? Can he re-locate or find another job?

 

Did you expose the affair to friends or family or even colleagues at his job? Not that anyone wants anyone to lose a job in this climate, but having allies at the office doesn't hurt either.

 

How often do you visit the workplace? For lunch, a spur of the moment stop by sort of thing?

 

If nothing is going on, he should be inviting you and not upset if you do surprise visit his workplace, because restoring your trust in him is HIS job.

 

Was she married? Does her spouse or SO know? He should be told.

[Irishlove]

What is NA and what is BS and AP

[anne1707]

I am a former WS who had a 3 year affair with a work colleague. It ended almost three years ago and I am still with my husband and we are doing good. And this is in spite of me still working with the ex-OM. So yes, it is possible. However it makes what is already a very difficult situation so much harder.

 

In the aftermath of Dday, I was a mess with emotions all over the place - I cannot believe my luck and also the inner strength my husband found in that time to give me another chance but thankfully he did. It took me a while to get NC within a work situation right and it was only really then that improvements started to show in the recovery of our marriage. Though that is probably a bit "chicken and egg" - did the NC push the recovery forward or was the clearer NC a result of an improving marriage - probably both.

 

Anyway.... NC at work can de done. All contact must purely be for work purposes only. No personal chat. Not even "lovely weather we're having for the time of year". It's work or nothing else. Plus where before, a work matter might have been dealt with by a quick face to face chat or a phone call, use email instead. It just helps in that stepping back and minimising contact.

 

A problem I had was that the ex-OM would sometimes make comments and would certainly try to catch my eye, look me up and down (still does the latter:sick:). However once I stopped reacting to the comments or attempts to lock eyes, his game playing started to dwindle. I had to make myself do this as times but in time it all meant nothing to me.

 

I also confided in a colleague after the affair ended. Whilst not asking him to take sides, he was there for me if in one of the work social events that I had to attend, I felt the need to get away from the ex-OM because he was making things difficult. I had an ally if need be.

 

As it is now, I look upon the ex-OM just as a work colleague (and also a bit of an ar$e because he still tries to stir things up even though he has since met and married someone else). If I was not working with him, my H and I would certainly be in a better position than we are now. It has made things more difficult, slow and painful. But I took steps to try and be as open as possible with my H. He started dropping me off and picking me up from work, we email each other more during the day, he will come and meet me at my office for lunch (regardless of whether the ex-OM is there or not).

[N.A.]

Thank you for your responses.

 

Their place of employment knows and for now they are both still employed. However they have been told that if there is even an inkling that something is still amiss then they will both be fired no questions asked. As far as I know there is no contact in between the two of them. He calls me numerous times a day and emails me constantly all day long (not something has done before). I also have full access to his office and can show up whenever I feel like it. I have done the "hide and follow" him thing to see where he goes and so far things are good. I have full access to his email and have even tried to check for other ones that I may not be aware of. A digital voice activated recorder has been put in his vehicle and so far that checks out as well.

 

As far as their "relationship", it was very heated from what I know and lasted 6-8 months. The A was mostly sexual, however the OW said things that lead me to believe that her heart was in it a whole lot more than his. What I know right now won't leave my mind as much as I try to block it out. As a matter of fact some days it makes me down right sick and ticked off to no end.

 

He says that he loves me and we have had some great conversations, then some not so good ones. As far as answers, I have to be careful with what I ask because some of the answers he has given me can be the down right brutal truth. He refers to the OW as IT! He said that he was not "attracted to her as much as it was the things that she wrote." The other part about this, I am as mad at the OW as I am at my husband. The reason for that is she knew what she was getting into, he told her he was married and her response was "I won't tell anyone, it will be our secret", so there are many of those in between them as well. He doesn't seem to have an ounce of respect for her, period.

[jessyj]

Firstly N.A I am very sorry to hear what you are going through it must be a really difficult time for you. I am just giving you advice from my own experience with my MM. I too work with my MM and we have been having a relationship for nearly a year so i can relate to the situation.

 

Just a question or two to understand your situation. Do you know how long the affair was for and if it has truly been ended ? Do you know this woman that is the AP?

 

He is the one that asked that I give our marriage some time and work this out, so that is what I asked of him. He has been doing everything in his power to make this work, but of course because of the lies and level of betrayal I don't believe him and the one constant emotion I have right now is anger. I don't even feel love, period.

 

I imagine your husband is afraid now that everything is out in the open and he is scared of loosing his home family friends. I am not surprised that he is pulling out every trick in the bag to try and save things. My MM constantly tells me he does not love his wife anymore but she is his best friend and he is purely trying to work on the marraige at the moment because he is scared of loosing his son - Thats not fair on anyone.

 

He did not respect all that he had when he entered into this A and he did not respect you and your children. You deserve more than that and you deserve to be happy with someone who will not cheat on you and betray your trust and loyalty.

 

My question is this: After going NC with your AP, especially when the A was lengthy and heated, is it possible for the CH or yourself to stay no contact especially when you see that person every day at work? I know what my mind tells me, where it goes and where I have been.

I think it is impossible for NC to remain whether they work together or not. I dont think the fact they work together will make a difference because they will find a way to be together regardless. Obviously the close proximity makes it more difficult to keep NC. From my experience with my MM when the tell their wives they are having NC, they are more than likely lying and still finding ways to meet with the OW. Look after yourself and your children because if your husband was able to betray you after 25 years then one more lie isnt going to mean anything to him if it means he get to keep his OW on the side.

 

I guess I am just wondering if it is possible to save this marriage or if it is complete toast.

 

I understand that you have spent a decade with your husband but do you really you will be able to trust him going forward. He cheated on you and lied to you and your children. Do you mind me asking did he come clean to you about the affair or did you find out from someone else ? if he came clean himself maybe there is hope otherwise he would never have told you.

[jessyj]

Their place of employment knows and for now they are both still employed. However they have been told that if there is even an inkling that something is still amiss then they will both be fired no questions asked. As far as I know there is no contact in between the two of them. He calls me numerous times a day and emails me constantly all day long (not something has done before). .

 

Their place of employment could not dismiss both of them for having an extramarital affair as I would presume they would have a big court case on their hands.

 

 

As far as their "relationship", it was very heated from what I know and lasted 6-8 months. The A was mostly sexual, however the OW said things that lead me to believe that her heart was in it a whole lot more than his. .

 

Did you manage to speak to the OW to know that her heart was in it more ?

 

He refers to the OW as IT! He said that he was not "attracted to her as much as it was the things that she wrote." The other part about this, I am as mad at the OW as I am at my husband. The reason for that is she knew what she was getting into, he told her he was married and her response was "I won't tell anyone, it will be our secret", so there are many of those in between them as well. He doesn't seem to have an ounce of respect for her, period.

 

This seems completely cruel and unreasonable. This man spent 8 months of his life betraying you for this woman and she means nothing to him ? Why would he risk his marriage, career, children, his life for this woman if it was purely sex and meant nothing to him ?

[N.A.]

What is NA and what is BS and AP

 

N.A. Is just my screen name. BS is betrayed spouse and AP is affair partner.

[N.A.]

Their place of employment could not dismiss both of them for having an extramarital affair as I would presume they would have a big court case on their hands.

 

 

 

 

Did you manage to speak to the OW to know that her heart was in it more ?

 

I have spoken to her and got nothing but the fabricated lie that they both concocted, however I did read the emails in between the both of them, that is how I know.

 

This seems completely cruel and unreasonable. This man spent 8 months of his life betraying you for this woman and she means nothing to him ? Why would he risk his marriage, career, children, his life for this woman if it was purely sex and meant nothing to him ?

 

I have asked myself these questions over and over again. I am not so much a cold hearted biya that I didn't consider and that I don't consider how she feels having read conversations in between them. Not only did I tell him that what he did to me was hurtful, what he did to her is just as well. Not only did he hurt me, but he hurt her, so in the end all he ended up doing was causing a whole sh*t storm mess and made a "bad situation at home" that much worse and dragged someone else through the mud in the mean time.

[jessyj]

I have asked myself these questions over and over again. I am not so much a cold hearted biya that I didn't consider and that I don't consider how she feels having read conversations in between them. Not only did I tell him that what he did to me was hurtful, what he did to her is just as well. Not only did he hurt me, but he hurt her, so in the end all he ended up doing was causing a whole sh*t storm mess and made a "bad situation at home" that much worse and dragged someone else through the mud in the mean time.

 

I know it probably sounds ironic that I am saying this but I really feel for you and your situation. I cant imagine the pain you are going through right now and the anger than you are feeling. You really need to find peace and answers to your questions. I would say however that if a man can lie to you and betray you after 25 years it is going to be near impossible to build up that trust again.

 

Dont be afraid to be independent and find happiness from yourself. Its the least you deserve after suffering this pain. Your children also deserve that.

 

I admire your compassion towards OW and i hope you see that on some level the man you thought was your soul mate and best friend betrayed you and the OW and will continue to lie to both of you to save himself.

[lindseymarie112]

I am i guess, what you would call a former OW. It happened ten years ago, I was single, very young and met someone at work. At first he didn't tell me he was married (I'm sure they all say that but its the truth in this case) We had an emotional affair first, got attached and it turned physical. By the time it turned physical yes, I knew he was married (no kids at the time) and I'm not proud of that fact. He gave me a lot of attention and I thought we were in love. He was older than me by 12 years. We were together about 9 months before we got caught. His wife confronted me and asked for details. I gave them to her (a watered down version)

 

He too told his wife he wanted to work things out- did not want to lose his home etc. His wife instructed that he tell me there would be no contact. He did tell me this but after a few weeks he started talking to me at work again. He wanted to make sure I was ok (the break up was tough as well as the aftermath of realizing what I'd done). He started emailing me and I missed him so I responded. His wife had installed a keylogger and found out about his emails to me. She took her anger out on me saying I should have respected the no contact. I understand her pain but her husband was the one who should have been respecting her. She told me that he told her I was nothing, that I was a fling, that I meant nothing. I could have showed her the emails he always wrote to me telling me he was no longer in love with his wife and I'd made him feel so alive again and he loved me with everything he had. That I was his baby girl and precious to him. And he treated me that way too.

 

I'm not trying to scare you or make you feel bad- truth is your husband could very well be having no contact with his ex. If he wants to make the marriage work, he knows he HAS to do this for you, and for himself.

 

But I think its a pattern for MM to deny that their AP meant much to them. To the BS I would think it would be an insult (no offense if you don't take it that way) that your husband or wife would cheat on you and risk throwing away so many years of trust and devotion and so many years of your marriage for someone they just wanted a quick f*ck with or someone they couldn't stand or didn't really care for. Thats a slap in the face in my opinion. That they thought so little of their partner that they could have an affair that they had to know would devastate their partner and for what? Someone they didn't even care about?

 

if your husband is calling the OW IT that is just to make you feel better I think. And that is overdoing it. In my case the MM did continue to contact me on and off for years. Not to start an affair again-though he might have if I had suggested it- but to keep the emotional bond somewhat there. I moved on and nothing ever happened between us again but he did stay married and I would get emails from him on holidays and just out of the blue asking how I was and that he hoped I was well etc. I think he owed it to his wife to end all contact and I rarely replied to him but just to let you know at least in one instance, that MM do keep in contact with the OW even though they are telling the wife otherwise.

 

And on the other hand, I'm sure there are many that really do want to work things out and I really hope your husband is one of them. I do think he should get another job though. I doubt they can be fired for having an affair.

[N.A.]

I admire your compassion towards OW and i hope you see that on some level the man you thought was your soul mate and best friend betrayed you and the OW and will continue to lie to both of you to save himself.

 

Here is my rational side of thinking on the whole A: We are all women and as women we all deep down want the same thing. We want the adoring husband, the picket fence, the children, the security, the stability, the love. However sometimes we find ourselves attracted to someone who is other wise unavailable. Having been there, done that myself...we sell ourselves way short on what we want out of life, but we do it anyway for the sake of "love, a connection, a clandestine fairy tale ending", which unfortunately does not always happen.

 

Where one relationship starts, unfortunately another one has to end. Either way if you are a BS, or a OW the situations is not favorable on either side. On both sides you have hurt, betrayal and pain. In order for a man to carry on an affair there are lies that are created, betrayal put in place and pain is caused when the A comes to light. On the side of being the OW, the same things happen.

 

There is however one difference in between the two: In a marriage you go into it thinking that the person that you are marrying will stay faithful to you, you believe in the "death till us part, forsaking all other", you think that your relationship no matter what trials can stand the test of time. You go into it whole heartedly, with honesty, integrity, and love.

 

However when it comes to an A, the relationship starts with betrayal, lies, secrecy, a range of emotions that can go from complete elation one minute to absolute confusion the next. In an A you only get to see a part of that person and not the whole. You only see what that person is portraying to be at the time.

 

Having been there, I can understand how she could have been so attracted to my husband. I can understand her pain with the relationship ending as I am going through a great deal of pain. My pain may be more than her's however it is pain no the less. I can relate on that level. I can also understand because I saw what my husband said to her. From my side of things, I know that the person that my husband portrayed himself to be, is NOT the person that she thinks that she may or may not love.

 

So with all that said in a nutshell, he lied to me, he lied to her and he betrayed us both. That is NOT a good feeling. I feel for women on both sides. Call me crazy, but women are women, we know how we are, we know how we love and we know what measures we will go to, to seek that ever elusive thing called love. As much as my situation sucks, I cannot sit here with an honest heart and know that I have not been there myself and been on both sides of that stupid fence.

[jessyj]

Here is my rational side of thinking on the whole A: We are all women and as women we all deep down want the same thing. We want the adoring husband, the picket fence, the children, the security, the stability, the love. However sometimes we find ourselves attracted to someone who is other wise unavailable. Having been there, done that myself...we sell ourselves way short on what we want out of life, but we do it anyway for the sake of "love, a connection, a clandestine fairy tale ending", which unfortunately does not always happen.

 

Where one relationship starts, unfortunately another one has to end. Either way if you are a BS, or a OW the situations is not favorable on either side. On both sides you have hurt, betrayal and pain. In order for a man to carry on an affair there are lies that are created, betrayal put in place and pain is caused when the A comes to light. On the side of being the OW, the same things happen.

 

There is however one difference in between the two: In a marriage you go into it thinking that the person that you are marrying will stay faithful to you, you believe in the "death till us part, forsaking all other", you think that your relationship no matter what trials can stand the test of time. You go into it whole heartedly, with honesty, integrity, and love.

 

However when it comes to an A, the relationship starts with betrayal, lies, secrecy, a range of emotions that can go from complete elation one minute to absolute confusion the next. In an A you only get to see a part of that person and not the whole. You only see what that person is portraying to be at the time.

 

Having been there, I can understand how she could have been so attracted to my husband. I can understand her pain with the relationship ending as I am going through a great deal of pain. My pain may be more than her's however it is pain no the less. I can relate on that level. I can also understand because I saw what my husband said to her. From my side of things, I know that the person that my husband portrayed himself to be, is NOT the person that she thinks that she may or may not love.

 

So with all that said in a nutshell, he lied to me, he lied to her and he betrayed us both. That is NOT a good feeling. I feel for women on both sides. Call me crazy, but women are women, we know how we are, we know how we love and we know what measures we will go to, to seek that ever elusive thing called love. As much as my situation sucks, I cannot sit here with an honest heart and know that I have not been there myself and been on both sides of that stupid fence.

 

Great post and probably one of the most enlightened posts I have read on here. You have opened up my eyes completely to the whole situation. I really hope you find the answers you want.

 

I am in a very similar situation to you albeit I am the other woman so if you do have any questions please feel free to ask.

[N.A.]

I know it probably sounds ironic that I am saying this but I really feel for you and your situation. I cant imagine the pain you are going through right now and the anger than you are feeling. You really need to find peace and answers to your questions. I would say however that if a man can lie to you and betray you after 25 years it is going to be near impossible to build up that trust again.

 

Dont be afraid to be independent and find happiness from yourself. Its the least you deserve after suffering this pain. Your children also deserve that.

 

I admire your compassion towards OW and i hope you see that on some level the man you thought was your soul mate and best friend betrayed you and the OW and will continue to lie to both of you to save himself.

 

I am i guess, what you would call a former OW. It happened ten years ago, I was single, very young and met someone at work. At first he didn't tell me he was married (I'm sure they all say that but its the truth in this case) We had an emotional affair first, got attached and it turned physical. By the time it turned physical yes, I knew he was married (no kids at the time) and I'm not proud of that fact. He gave me a lot of attention and I thought we were in love. He was older than me by 12 years. We were together about 9 months before we got caught. His wife confronted me and asked for details. I gave them to her (a watered down version)

 

He too told his wife he wanted to work things out- did not want to lose his home etc. His wife instructed that he tell me there would be no contact. He did tell me this but after a few weeks he started talking to me at work again. He wanted to make sure I was ok (the break up was tough as well as the aftermath of realizing what I'd done). He started emailing me and I missed him so I responded. His wife had installed a keylogger and found out about his emails to me. She took her anger out on me saying I should have respected the no contact. I understand her pain but her husband was the one who should have been respecting her. She told me that he told her I was nothing, that I was a fling, that I meant nothing. I could have showed her the emails he always wrote to me telling me he was no longer in love with his wife and I'd made him feel so alive again and he loved me with everything he had. That I was his baby girl and precious to him. And he treated me that way too.

 

I'm not trying to scare you or make you feel bad- truth is your husband could very well be having no contact with his ex. If he wants to make the marriage work, he knows he HAS to do this for you, and for himself.

 

But I think its a pattern for MM to deny that their AP meant much to them. To the BS I would think it would be an insult (no offense if you don't take it that way) that your husband or wife would cheat on you and risk throwing away so many years of trust and devotion and so many years of your marriage for someone they just wanted a quick f*ck with or someone they couldn't stand or didn't really care for. Thats a slap in the face in my opinion. That they thought so little of their partner that they could have an affair that they had to know would devastate their partner and for what? Someone they didn't even care about?

 

if your husband is calling the OW IT that is just to make you feel better I think. And that is overdoing it. In my case the MM did continue to contact me on and off for years. Not to start an affair again-though he might have if I had suggested it- but to keep the emotional bond somewhat there. I moved on and nothing ever happened between us again but he did stay married and I would get emails from him on holidays and just out of the blue asking how I was and that he hoped I was well etc. I think he owed it to his wife to end all contact and I rarely replied to him but just to let you know at least in one instance, that MM do keep in contact with the OW even though they are telling the wife otherwise.

 

And on the other hand, I'm sure there are many that really do want to work things out and I really hope your husband is one of them. I do think he should get another job though. I doubt they can be fired for having an affair.

 

 

Thank you for your response. I really appreciate it. I know that talking about it cannot make you feel very easy or comfortable for that matter.

 

Your thinking and honesty on this is exactly why I think that there still has to be contact in between the two. The thing is-when he calls her IT, when he tells me how much she doesn't mean to him, when he tells me that it was just what she said to him, etc. I do NOT believe that in anyway shape or form and he perpetuates the lies, to me that is what he is doing. I also know that he is not showing a great deal of respect for me or her for that matter. I am starting to think my husband has a problem that is way deeper than his A. I don't know what part of me just expects him to come out with it, but I do. I have asked the good, bad and ugly and have gotten honest responses that rip me in two but on this one matter, not so much.

 

I too stayed in contact with the man that I had an affair with for years and years on end, as a matter of fact from time to time we still do-thing is, I have not kept this from my husband. He knows the good, bad and ugly about me and my life before him. The contact that I have with my xMM is limited but we talk as if we are old friends and we do however know our boundaries.

 

I guess I am expecting my husband to be more honest with me because I am completely with him. I am also starting to realize there is more of a problem with this marriage than I initially thought.

[N.A.]

jessyj, I didn't mean for you response to be copied in my last response. I am still trying to figure this whole.....respond thing out....lol

[N.A.]

Thanks jessyj, same goes for you, if you need anything or have any questions feel free

 

I think that in this life, as in this forum we are looking for something and trying to understand what that "something" is. lol

[jessyj]

NA im curious if you see a future with your husband ? And if so are you doing this purely for your children and because you feel you should ?

 

I am in a situation at the moment where D-Day has only occurred and everything is currently being played out both in work and in both our homes. Difference is my MM works in a different are to where his family home is so he spends the work week living away from home( previously with me) I cannot speculate what is happen but I know the truth is now out and only good can come of it regardless of whatever happens for me.

[N.A.]

NA im curious if you see a future with your husband ? And if so are you doing this purely for your children and because you feel you should ?

 

I am in a situation at the moment where D-Day has only occurred and everything is currently being played out both in work and in both our homes. Difference is my MM works in a different are to where his family home is so he spends the work week living away from home( previously with me) I cannot speculate what is happen but I know the truth is now out and only good can come of it regardless of whatever happens for me.

 

Well I can honestly tell you that I am not sure what I see right now and it has been a while now since I found out. I love the man that I thought I married. Part of me wants to work this out and the other part of me, bigger part of me thinks that there is no way to make this work no matter how much we "pretend" or how hard we try to make it work. We have 4 children, however staying for the children's sake is not an option to me. I watched my mother and father do that, I will be damned if I do that to my children.

 

I now see the man I married and the man that could betray me. I know who the man I married is, I however do not know who the other man is. As a matter of fact he says I don't even look at him the same anymore. I asked him what he meant and he said "You just look at me like you don't even know me", to which my answer was, "No I don't, not really".

 

Right now I think, the illusion of our relationship has been permanently shattered by the reality of it. They say that when a marriage breaks down there is never one side that is more wrong than the other, however in this situation I do not agree. I saw the signs, I knew (had a gut feeling of what was going on) and I tried my hardest to get him to talk to me, to do things together to, well work on our marriage but he refused, as a matter of fact twice he out right laughed at my suggestions. That is where my pain comes in. That is where my anger stems from. He didn't tell her how miserable his marriage was, as a matter of fact the OW knows very little about me. He didn't disrespect me in that aspect. He kept his "work life" and his "home life" very separate, which I still don't understand how that worked or worked for him.

 

 

As for what you are going through this is what I have been experiencing on my end: I am deeply hurt and feel extremely betrayed by the man that I wanted to build the rest of my life with. As much as I seem calm, my bad days way out weigh the good. I have screamed, cried, slept all day, drugged myself into not feeling anything (prescription of course) because the anger was overwhelming. I have his email passwords however I am convinced there is an email address that I know nothing about. I have followed him a different times to see where he is going and I monitor his actions as much as I possibly can. As completely insane as all of this sounds, I know it isn't healthy and I am angry that I have been reduced to such actions. I think they are completely ridiculous and in those actions alone I should have the answers but I don't. He experiences my good days and my bad days. I have kept him up for over 24 hours twice talking to him and the last time I did that I told him at 10pm it was over and we talked until 6am when he had to leave for work and it resulted in him begging me to stay. That was 2 weeks ago.

 

Our relationship has this almost "hold pattern" feel to it. It's almost like being stuck on pause. We can't go forward if I can't get over the fact that he cheated on me and we can't go forward if he doesn't stop. So that is where we are. Good days, bad days, but I do have to say as much hell as I have put him through over the past few months he is one resiliant person. I don't know if I could have handled the amount of crap I have dished out to him if it were directed towards me.

 

With that said, if a man is willing to take the anger, hurt and pain of his wife and face it, deal with it and stay even if it is until she decides to cut ties with him because she feels too hurt or betrayed, that alone should say a lot to the OW. It should say a lot to the OW on two fronts. First if he is willing to stay even if it is "only for the children" or whatever reason it is that he stays, he is staying none the less. He is staying and consoling his betrayed wife, he is being compassionate to her needs, he is being attentive to how she feels and he is trying to make amends in every way, shape and form that he can think of. Now despite him having said that his marriage sucks, etc, why would a man do that?

 

Second: If he does the afore mentioned and still continues a relationship with the OW, what does that say about his character? His morals? etc.

 

 

So, that is my answer as best as I can answer that given my current dilemma. I am sorry that you are going through what you are going through and I do wish you the best. And honestly, being a BS to an OW, I think we can all do better when it comes to me. I just wish that most of them didn't suck so much....lol

[JMacGirl26]

What is NA and what is BS and AP

 

BS is betrayed spouse, but I'm lost on the NA/PA! haha

[Spark1111]

NA, I agree with you!

 

They lie to their spouses, they lie to their OW, but mostly, I believe, they lie to themselves and that creates the greatest confusion of all.

 

I liken the affair to the perpetual third date; heated, passionate, and everyone on their best behavior with their best face on.

 

It's almost like, "I will be whoever you need me to be." Not the real person at all, but the personna that gets them the most adored by their AP.

 

They minimize the marriage to enter the affair. Then, when caught, they minimize the affair to re-enter the marriage.

 

I did not institute NC. He did. I did not want to reconcile. He begged to. I wanted an amicable separation while I took time to decide if I could ever trust him again. He kept showing up like a lost penny. I kept throwing him out. He started stalking me to see if I was "dating."

 

He told her he was meeting unwavering hostility in reconciling. I had to laugh, because I told him to go get her. Doubt he ever told her that.

 

He played us off of each other, telling both women exactly what HE thought they wanted to hear. I wasn't buying any of it. Maybe she did. Maybe she really believed he came home for the sake of his kids. Laughable to think I would allow that option.

 

You have just started this process and he seems to be doing everything asked of him. You both should consider IC and MC. Are you going? He needs to discover why he engaged in an affair, He needs to determine what boundaries he needs to strengthen to prevent it from ever happening again.

 

You need to decide, not today or tomorrow, but in time, if you love him enough to forgive him.

 

It's a process and you are in the early stages of it.

 

Good luck.

[freestyle]

BS is betrayed spouse, but I'm lost on the NA/PA! haha

 

N.A. is the OP's username.

[Silly_Girl]

My question is this: After going NC with your AP, especially when the A was lengthy and heated, is it possible for the CH or yourself to stay no contact especially when you see that person every day at work? I know what my mind tells me, where it goes and where I have been. I guess I am just wondering if it is possible to save this marriage or if it is complete toast.

 

I probably couldn't have stayed away, to be honest....

 

 

However, I remember wanting so badly for my guy to be happy in WHICHEVER relationship he chose, and wanting him to give it 100%. I'd have dragged them to Relate for couples counselling myself at one point, given half a chance.

 

If he told me it was best for HIM, and he really wanted to give it his best shot, with her, yeah, I think I'd have stayed away. And I'd have wanted to stay RIGHT away because I would be hurting a lot.

[LilyBart]

I have his email passwords however I am convinced there is an email address that I know nothing about.

 

There is. I guarantee it.