The real first day NC

[reallyconfused2542]

thanks for all of the advice today,really cleared a lot up for me. now i just have to decide whether i morn the loss for her or be grateful that i got out while i could. i still have all those feelings towards her and wish things would work out but before i even look at that page im going to guess that the odds are stacked heavily against me.

 

do you think she legitimately misses me,will contact me or those were just feelings then(i know your not psychic but again you seem to know a great deal about this)

 

and do all or some of the things i described remind you of what you went through in the beginning?

thanks again for you thoughtful and insightful responses

[Downtown]

RC, I'm glad to hear the information was useful. I'll try to answer your latest questions tonight. Just got up and am headed for work.

[hurtex]

its really pretty pathetic but i find myself reading the posts and when seeing that the exes contact again or theres reconciliation i find myself hoping for it to happen to me. i know everything that i need to do but for some reason i cant get my brain to click and start doing them.

 

 

You are me!

Ugh I am reading these things too for therapy... since mine as well is one hour a week lol.

I love reading what you write because I feel the EXACT same way :/

[reallyconfused2542]

downtown

thanks for the replies,there very helpful. only i think i might have gotten confused with your definition on BPD. by that i though you were saying bi polar disorder but i see you were talking about borderline personality disorder. now im really confused. she has admitted to the bi polar but now do a lot of the things that i explained describe one or the other? or both? now im just more confused and upset thinking that i had an understanding and now im back to square one

[whatdoido1717]

DOWNTOWN,

 

Could we exchange private e-mails? Are you okay with that? I don't want to burden you, but your experience may prove to really help me heal and move on. If you are okay with that, my e-mail (I made up a new one just for this, which you could do as well if you don't want to use your personal e-mail. I didn't because it has my last name in it, haha) address is:

 

[email protected]

 

Thank you.

[Downtown]

i though you were saying bi polar disorder but i see you were talking about borderline personality disorder. now im really confused. she has admitted to the bi polar but now do a lot of the things that i explained describe one or the other? or both? now im just more confused and upset thinking that i had an understanding and now im back to square one

RC, no, you are not back to "square one." You've made considerable progress. It just hasn't jelled in your mind yet -- but it likely will. In your very first post in this thread you wrote, "i know she has bpd but maybe something else as well." Clearly, even then (when you had not yet heard from me) you suspected that your exGF's problems went well beyond bipolar disorder. Well, the BPD traits I've been describing could be that "something else" you noticed. I say this because the behavioral traits you describe for your exGF sound closer to the traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) than to bipolar disorder. Indeed, she may have strong traits of both disorders, which co-occur in a substantial share of BPDers.

 

Keep in mind that I am not a psychologist. I am simply sharing the experience I've had with my bipolar foster son and my BPDer exW. Based on that experience and what I've since read, I see several clear differences between the traits of these two disorders. The differences are so pronounced that you should be able to spot the red flags even though, of course, you won't be able to diagnose either of these disorders.

 

First, bipolar mood swings typically are very slow because they are caused by gradual changes in body chemistry. They are considered rapid if as many as four occur in a year. In sharp contrast, four BPD mood changes can easily occur in a few days. BPD rages, for example, typically last about 5 hours and rarely as long as 36 hours.

 

BPDers (i.e., those suffering strong traits) carry enormous anger and shame inside from early childhood. Moreover, 70% of BPDers report having been abandoned or abused in early childhood. Most BPDers direct that anger outward to other people when their fears are triggered, resulting in temper tantrums -- giving BPDers the reputation of often being mean and vindictive toward their loved ones.

 

A substantial share of BPDers, however, direct their anger inward. With these "quiet BPDers," you will not witness a raging screaming person but, instead, a quiet withdrawn person who usually turns her anger onto herself (e.g., your exGF's suicide attempts and cutting of her body) and punishes her loved ones with passive-aggressive, abusive behavior, e.g., sulking and icy withholding of affection. Moreover, most BPDers will occasionally switch back and forth between being outwardly abusive and inwardly abusive.

 

A second difference is that the onset of the bad mood is very different. Whereas a bipolar change may slowly build over two weeks, a BPD change typically occurs in less than a minute -- often in only 10 seconds -- because it is an explosive release of anger (or icy withdrawal) that is triggered by some innocent comment or action. Whereas a bipolar change results from a slow change in body chemistry, BPD mood changes are event-triggered and occur nearly instantaneously.

 

This means that, if your exGF is a BPDer, you likely can never have a calm, rational discussion with her on any real sensitive issue. Even if she is calm and rational when you sit down to talk, any sensitive discussion will trigger her anger (and intense feelings of shame and rejection) within seconds.

 

A third difference is that, whereas bipolar can cause people to be irritable and obnoxious during the manic phase, it does not rise to the level of meanness and vindictiveness you see when a BPDer is splitting you black. The difference is HUGE: while a manic person may regard you as an irritation, a BPD person can perceive you as Hitler and will treat you accordingly. This is why temper tantrums and meanness are a hallmark of BPD but not of bipolar disorder.

 

This occurs because a BPDer does all-or-nothing thinking, wherein she classifies everyone (including herself) as "all good" or "all bad." Moreover, she can reclassify someone from one extreme to the other in a few seconds based on an idle comment or minor infraction. Sadly, this black-white view of humanity destroys a BPDer's ability to sustain LTRs, which is why she likely has no long term close friends (unless they live a long distance away).

 

A fourth difference is that, unlike bipolar sufferers, untreated BPDers usually think of themselves as perpetual victims and refuse to take responsibility for their own actions. This "poor little me" mentality usually results in their blaming their loved ones for every misfortune and may even result in their having a sense of entitlement to whatever sacrifices you make for them -- two of the traits you mention for your exGF.

 

A fifth difference is that it is fairly common for BPDers -- when they are in a low functioning period -- to cut their arms or legs (as your exGF did) to relieve the inner stress of being numb to everything in the world. This is very unusual behavior for a high functioning BPDer, however. And it is even more rare for a bipolar sufferer.

 

Finally, a sixth difference is that a bipolar sufferer -- whether depressed or manic -- usually is able to trust you if he knows you well. Untreated BPDers, however, usually have never learned to trust themselves, much less anyone else. This lack of trust means there is no foundation on which to build a relationship. Moreover -- and I learned this the hard way -- when a person does not trust you, you can never trust him because he can turn on you at any time -- and likely will.

 

Yet, despite these six clear differences between the two disorders, many health professionals confuse the two. One reason is that perhaps 20% of BPDers also have bipolar disorder, adding to the confusion. Another reason is that BPDers are excellent actors and thus typically are good at masking their BPD traits during the 50 minute sessions they have once a week with a therapist.

[Downtown]

DOWNTOWN,

Could we exchange private e-mails?

Sure. I've already sent you one. You therefore can remove the email link above.