Ex says he can't move on why?

[lindseymarie112]

This is probably a dangerous place to post this- and please excuse me if I offend anyone- not my intention at all- just looking for some advice. Throw stones if you must- this is my story

 

Was with my ex for 8 years. Lived together. Not married.I really tried to make it work. I think in the early years I tried much harder to make it work than he did. It got to be comfortable and that is why I stayed. But not happy. He was emotionally distant. I never really felt much of a connectoin. But he was only my 2nd relationship so I guess I didn't know better or was afraid of what was out there. For the last 2 years we lived like roommates who had sex once a month or so. I did my thing (went out with friends etc) and he worked two jobs (for himself, he didn't need to) We rarely saw eachother. I have to also say that he cheated on me. I know it was an emotional affair with a married woman because I found a letter he wrote her. I don't know if it ever turned physical. We went to counseling over this. but my trust was shaken. I found him to be very selfish (in bed, in life) and I was constantly stressed or upset. I know,, why didn't I leave? I had a home and was comfortable there. I tried to do things to make him happy so he might treat me better. Never worked. So I became distant and drifted away.

 

I ended up cheating on him. I will say from the first time I slept with the other man I NEVER slept with my partner again. I have never cheated on anyone before and didn't think I ever would. But this guy treated me like a princess. He gave me everything I needed. After only two months with him I left my ex. I moved out, bought my own house (a fixer upper) and got an apartment. My ex was suprised but knew something was up because I was never around. I told him I'd cheated and instead of being mad at ME (the one who owed him something) he is mad at the guy I cheated with. Wants to kill him! At first after I moved out my ex was ok it seemed. But now (four months later) he is suddenly (because he sees I'm still with the guy I cheated with and not coming back to him) obsessed with getting me to come back. He calls, texts, begs, pleads with me to return. I have NO interest in getting back with him. I never will. I can not return after knowing how wonderful it feels to be treated well by someone. I can't go back to be neglected and treated like I don't matter.

 

My ex swears things will change, that he didn't realize how badly he treated me. I tell him its not his fault I cheated or left. I don't blame anything on him. Its all on me. I am very sorry I hurt him. He is in so much pain. He called me on Easter crying. He calls me at night crying. He can't eat, can't sleep.

 

I desperately wish he would find someone new. If I knew of anyone single I would introduce him. He deserves to be happy. I have no anger at him over the years we had together even though he hurt me deeply. I don't want him to be miserable and alone but I do NOT want to be with him either. I feel so bad sometimes, so much guilt because I know I caused him this misery. But I wish he would realize he is so much better off without me. Why would someone want to be with someone who cheated on them? Betrayed their trust? Someone who is in love with someone else?

 

How can I ease some of his pain? How can I get him to move on? Why does he still want me after everything I did? I thought he would hate me. I wish he would just get angry and get over me. I don't want him to be hurting.

[PegNosePete]

Tell him that you're going NC with him. Then never contact or speak to him again. Hang up when he calls. Delete texts and emails without reading them. Delete and block from facebook.

 

No matter how much he objects, it's for his own good in the long run, and yours too.

[linwood]

Tell him you can`t speak to him anymore.

 

Block his e-mails, block his calls, have absolutely no contact with him.

Ignore any attempt he makes at contact.

[lindseymarie112]

I thought of doing no contact and blocking him. However, isn't that cruel. I know you are probably thinking well you are the b*tch that cheated on him why are you worried about being cruel and I understand that. But I thought it would be easier on ME to have no contact with him but how is it easier on him? I don't ever give him the hope we will work things out. When he tells me he loves me I either don't respond (text) or say ok bye. I feel like if I don't take some of his calls or respond to some of his texts then I am just further crushing him. I don't want to make him worse.

[PegNosePete]

I thought of doing no contact and blocking him. However, isn't that cruel.

No. If he came here looking for advice then we would say to him to do NC as well. It's the best way for him to heal.

 

I know you are probably thinking well you are the b*tch that cheated on him why are you worried about being cruel and I understand that. But I thought it would be easier on ME to have no contact with him but how is it easier on him?

Nope I am not thinking that at all. It might hurt him at first to do NC but in the long run it is for the best. As I said above, if he came here looking for advice, we would advise him to go NC. It's best for everyone.

 

I feel like if I don't take some of his calls or respond to some of his texts then I am just further crushing him. I don't want to make him worse.

Quite the opposite. By taking his calls and listening to his bleeding heart you are giving him false hope, and making him worse.

[linwood]

I don't ever give him the hope we will work things out.

 

Every time he hears your voice or reads your texts he`s filled with false hope.

 

He isn`t going to move on until that`s gone.

[Chi townD]

I thought of doing no contact and blocking him. However, isn't that cruel. I know you are probably thinking well you are the b*tch that cheated on him why are you worried about being cruel and I understand that. But I thought it would be easier on ME to have no contact with him but how is it easier on him? I don't ever give him the hope we will work things out. When he tells me he loves me I either don't respond (text) or say ok bye. I feel like if I don't take some of his calls or respond to some of his texts then I am just further crushing him. I don't want to make him worse.

 

 

What's cruel is you talking to him. That gives him hope. He thinks that if he says the right thing you'll come around to his way of thinking.

 

Go NC, but be prepared. Once he finally starts to heal he's going to start to resent you and probably hate you. That's the burden you'll have to bare.

[melenkurion]

Full disclosure: my ex-husband cheated on me with a friend and once I found out he immediately left me for that friend. What happened there may colour my view on your situation.

 

There's nothing whatsoever you can do to ease his pain other than get out of his life. It's an addiction for him, pretty much. Every time you contact him, you feed the addiction. By feeding the addiction, you are prolonging his pain. The kindest thing you can do to him is to stop all contact.

 

I desperately wish he would find someone new. If I knew of anyone single I would introduce him. He deserves to be happy.

Whatever you do, don't do that. Someone new won't make him happy. He's not in any fit state to be with anyone else. He needs to heal before even considering a new relationship. That would be disaster, and very unfair on the unfortunate third party. Since the relationship was a long one, his healing is going to take a while. There are no shortcuts, but there are ways to make it take much longer.

 

You can't help him heal, all you can do is hurt him more. I'm seven months out of an eight year relationship. This is by far the worst pain I have ever felt in my life, no question. I have no contact with my ex, by my choice. Daily reminders of his "happy ever after" would just kill me. After seven months apart, well... I am getting there. Nowhere near fully healed, but I can see that I will heal. After four months I was still pretty much a mess.

[UnsureinSeattle]

To put it bluntly, he can't let you go 'cause you still talk to him. I know you think you're doing the right thing by continuing to talk to him, but it isn't.

 

Tell him politely but firmly that you hope he has a good life (or whatever) but you think it's best if you don't talk to him any more. Change your number.

 

You hurt him, real bad. And, you still are, in a way. I'm not trying to come down on you- I'm glad you actually left the poor guy as opposed to continuing to cheat on him. But even tho' you don't perceive your actions as holding out hope, I guarantee you that he does.

[jstobo]

I definitely agree with everyone here. I'm your H in this example. She left me. For months we were interacting daily. We have two kids, so we need to for some things, but most of our interactions had nothing to do with kids or finances. I finally realized I couldn't heal with that kind of daily contact. I made the decision to go LC. But my Wife would have never changed anything. She no longer wanted me as her husband, but still wanted all the friendship parts. She would have been as happy as can be talking and texting me everyday about anything. In reality, that was preventing me from moving on.

 

Don't block his texts or e-mails. Just don't respond to them and eventually they'll start to diminish. I would be much further along in my healing today had she done that months ago. Instead, I'm only 1 week into LC.

[lindseymarie112]

Wow thank you for your honest replies. I will try the no contact. I'm not sure what happened because for the first month he was mad and wanted to get even with me and then he just seemed to not care and now all of a sudden he is fixated on trying to get me back. I have moved on and even if I wasn't with someone, I don't want him back. He would never fully trust me and I just don't want to go back to the relationship we had. I know it would never get any better. I look at it as I gave him eight years and he should have realized what he had and tried to make it work then. I'm not blaming him for what I did- those were MY actions only, i know I should have left before i got with anyone else. And I regret that. But while, I don't want to be with him, i don't want to hurt him anymore, I want him to be ok. If no contact is the way to achieve that, then that is what I will do. One question? Do you tell the person you are going no contact or just cut them off suddenly?

[PegNosePete]

I think in your case it would be better to tell him. Otherwise he will keep calling you and wondering why you're not answering/replying. Write him an email telling him that you do not want to get back together with him and that you do not feel it is possible to remain friends, therefore you do not want any further contact with him. If he replies, don't reply back, no matter what he writes. And don't take any more calls from him. You've said your piece that's all.