mbs Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 I just filed for divorce from my husband after 25 years of marriage and I'm scared to death and not sure I made the right decision. Here's my story - our marriage has been rocky for several years, seems hard to remember the good times. We have 2 children, a son 24 yrs and a 17 yr daughter still living at home and in h.s. There has been no physical abuse but what I believe to be emotional abuse. Husband had a bad childhood and is also a Vietnam vet - he is 64 and I'm 46, so a big age diff too. He has a very short temper and gets angry if we/I disagree with him. He wants to be very strict with our daughter, she is very mature for her age and he wants her to go nowhere but school so we fight over that frequently. Whenever we fight, he talks about leaving -says he's had enough and we don't respect or love him anymore. He has left before for a couple days to over a week at a time. This last time he totally lost it with our daughter, yelling at her, calling her names I can't say here, said she didn't show him respect and said she wasn't his daughter anymore. This time when he said maybe he needed to leave, I agreed with him and told him to go. Daughter was hysterical. I filed for divorce the next week. I have to admit I had thought of doing so for years, just couldn't bring myself to do it. We will have trouble financially and will have to move, possibly sell my daughter's horse's and I just didn't want to disrupt her life. I really don't think I love him any more and it seems we are both not happy. But now he is emailing me saying he loves us and wants to go to counseling to work things out. Then in the next email a couple days later in response to an email from me about having trouble paying bills, he says he'd rather give all our money to the lawyers and will try and force me to sell my daughter's horses at auction. I know he is hurt but so am I and I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if I can make it through divorce or not.
PegNosePete Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 Wow. With all that it's hard to see why you are having regrets. He sounds like a complete a-hole and you sound totally unhappy. Divorce is most definitely the right thing to do. Don't let his emotional blackmail prevent you from doing what you KNOW is right for you. You need to be free of this man. Even if it costs you all of your money, you will still have what is important, your health and your family. Money comes and goes. Most likely he is all mouth and no trousers. Very few people actually do give all their money to lawyers. They realize that they are cutting off their nose to spite their face. So I would take his stupid threats with a very large pinch of salt. Get your own lawyer and get a fair settlement for you and your daughter.
oldguy Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 If there is emotional abuse in your daughters life, as well as yours, her life is already "disrupted"! The clear message you can send to your daughter is either; it’s okay to be abused or you don’t have to put up with mistreatment. Unfortunately she’s 17 and has already been indoctrinated into tolerating abuse. I don’t know if you should divorce you husband or not but I think it’s about time you do something about the abuse. And he is manipulating you if on one hand he claims to still love you & wants to work on this and at the same time says he’s willing to spend every penny on lawyers & force your daughter to sell her horses. This man needs serious help, HE needs to get his sh** together & only then should you even consider if he is worth it or not. IMO; Get OUT! Sell the damn horses and save yourselves, I don't think you should be worried about "disrupting" lives, you should be doing it, WTH!
imagine Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 Why don't you answer the poster Oldman59 in this column?
dreamingoftigers Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 Often relationships like these hit fever pitch with intensity and conflict. Probably the best way that I have ever seen to responsibly adjust the dynamic/decide responsibly whether or not to leave is the Healing Separation. Find an MC who would be willing to supervise it while you both work on your issues. If your spouse is not willing to go for one, then try doing a 180. Hear me out, the path on the way to healing the relationship OR divorcing this guy in a healthy way both involve the 180. It is the same path all of the way to the courtroom or to him being in your living room. You need to get out, break any emotional dependence you may have had with him and not be reactive to his choices. I know that this one is going to be tough. I think that you married my Dad. I also bet that you have been getting in the middle of them for ages too. Not a healthy dynamic. A seperation can really turn a marriage around or turn both of your perspectives around. Either way making decisions when emotions are high isn't recommended for anything in life. Also, check out: Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin. http://jryankennedy.com/uploads/Handout-Healing_Separation_Explanation.pdf http://jryankennedy.com/uploads/Handout-Healing_Separation_Agreements.pdf And btw, he is still emotionally invested in you, so if you 180 for awhile he will want to come back. Hold your boundary and stick to the Healing Separation. Don't fall victim to crazy spazzy emotions.
Brokenhearttornapart Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 It sounds like he needs help and part of you still loves him. Honestly, I do agree with a lot of the posts, but my take is a little different. I do think you guys should seek counseling, but I think you should have a trial separation. If I were you, i would test him to see if he really truly does love you in return by telling him that if he gets help by a psychologist for the way that he's treated you and your daughter and if he accepts a trial separation where he is no longer around for a while, that if things were to get better afterward, then no divorce would be needed. Obviously you have dealt with him for years and you know that the temper is a problem, so anger management courses might be a route to take as well. If he's willing to get help for his abusive problem, then he might be worth the chance at saving your marriage. If he isn't willing to help himself and to give you space, I would leave him, but that's just my opinion...
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