badger33 Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 Hi, I split up with my ex a few days ago, and I'm so confused. We have been together for 6.5 years, when we met we were madly in love, we did everything together, it was a really really intensely close relationship, but about 3 years ago we had some problems, and split up for a week, then had a big talk and sorted some things out and got back together. Everything was great for a couple of years, but then doubt started to creep into my head, I felt like I didnt love her as much anymore, I started to notice all the things that I didnt like about her, they built up and I found myself being less and less attracted to her. I also have a hard job where I get up at 4am, and Im constantly tired and grumpy. I kept telling myself that I love her and things will get better, but they didnt, our sex lives dropped, I found that I didnt enjoy sex as much, and found myself avoiding intimacy a lot. Before I split up with her I felt like it was the right thing to do because we were both unhappy and I felt like it couldnt be fixed. But now Im so confused, I really miss her, I have been crying for days, I feel lonely and heartbroken. I have looked into relationship counselling and seen that people have worked out their problems, and there is a part of me that now thinks that maybe I havent tried hard enough to save this. But when Im around my friends I have moments that I have done the right thing. I have come to realise that it is ME that has messed this all up, and I dont think I can ever know I have done the right thing unless we go and see somebody, and try to work it out. But a year of me bottling everything up has left some deep feelings of resentment towards her and Im worried that trying to save it will hurt both of us more than it already is. We live together and our lives are so deeply entangled, everything in the house reminds me of her and I burst into tears. Im really scared that if we get back together again I will start to get the same feelings as before and ruin it all again, but 100 times worse. She loves me so so much and would drop everything for me, and I feel like such an a-hole for not loving her like she does me. I miss her so much, but I dont know if its the companionship that Im missing or the thought that I could make it work again. She is like a soulmate to me in every other way, but I've found her less attractive and find myself wanting to do a lot of things that she's not able to do, her knees are not too good, so she cant go jumping and running around like me, that makes me feel trapped and like we miss out on a lot of fun things that we used to be able to do. Why do I feel so confused? Can we get help and make it work? And will it work for a while, then turn bad again? Im so lost right now.
fetish Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 please just take what i say with a grain of salt, for i'm nearing 11 weeks since my split from of an 8 year relationship and still i'm confused as hell right now my self. My mind keeps going back and forth, so i may not be the best advice giver right now. usually when we have those doubts or that "nagging little voice", we try to ignore it, but it always comes back. It's a natural defense mechanism that lets you know that something is not quite right. For years, i had that nagging little voice too. Tried to ignore it and write it off and say that no relationship is perfect and the little things that bothered me weren't worth ending it. As time grew on, i saw my ex for who she really was. A selfish, flighty, manipulative girl who didn't know what she wanted. She didn't make good decisions and it was literally poisoning me. We tried relationship counseling last year because we had plans of getting married. In the beginning, she seemed somewhat interested, but eventually gave up and didn't show interest in it. Didn't do the homework, didn't engage in any of the activities we set up for for learning to manage finances. It became clear, she was not marriage material, she wasn't ready. Your gut will tell you alot and even though i sometimes tend to second guess myself on my decision to let her go, i know it was the best thing for me. That's what i hope you do. No matter what, know your gut had a reason for telling you that this woman was nit right for you and you have to trust that. I know we all tend to go through that feeling of guilt and that's what you're going through right now. Simply write down on a piece of paper, and be completely honest with yourself and write down the pros and cons of your girlfriend. Even write down if she's not sexually attractive anymore, just get it all out. It's not worth trying to force a relationship if you on't think you'll still be happy in say 2-5 years down the road.
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