Yo-yo dating and love

[Amoress]

Hi everyone! New to the site, but would love to get your input please...

 

So I've been dating this guy on and off for nearly a year. We met through mutual friends and instantly felt this connection. The first night we met we spent hours talking about anything and everything. We went out out on quite a few dates before we even kissed and it seemed like we fit perfectly together.

 

Things progressed more quickly from there and after the first couple of months he said he loved me. Unfortunately I didn't reply and he then backed off a bit from the relationship. From there, things seemed to deteriorate.

 

Usually, I'm the one to end things, frequently expressing that I'm looking for something more serious. Yet we never go more than three weeks without talking to each other again. He always rebuttals, stating that he's looking for more and that we do have this strong connection and the little things in between do not matter. That he cares very deeply for me and that the relationship is evolving and what's meant to be will be. He's always been very supportive of our future together, even talking about his timeline for when he wants to get married and have kids. And last month he expressed that he wanted to spend the week together to test out how things would be if we lived together.

 

But after making all those remarks, he said he wanted to discuss the serious things in person. Admittedly, he has been deeply hurt in the past by his ex (she cheated on him with his best friend and they just had a baby together). but it's been two years. Anyways, we had plans to meet, but he cancelled on me last minute claiming his family dog died and his mom was so upset, he wouldn't be able to meet. I obviously saw this as an excuse (seriously no free time at all in an entire week to console his mom and find a new dog? Come on now) and ended it again. And he texts me some picture of him and a girl, writing "say hi to your replacement."

 

How can this be the same guy? I'm so confused and just looking for some clarity. I know he cares a great deal for me, but is his insecurities getting in the way. Honestly, I have been talking to other guys. I've told him this and nothing's happened with the other guys of course, but I can't wait around forever. Do you think I self sabotaged the relationship? Or maybe he was just stringing me along?

 

Any thoughts or suggestions...?

 

Thanks so much!

[ALonerAgain]

Hi Amoress. Welcome to LS!

 

So I've been dating this guy on and off for nearly a year. We met through mutual friends and instantly felt this connection. The first night we met we spent hours talking about anything and everything. We went out out on quite a few dates before we even kissed and it seemed like we fit perfectly together.

 

Firstly, from my experience, instant chemistry and compatibility are 2 separate things. While chemistry can be quite instant, compatibility usually takes longer than a few dates to determine.

 

Things progressed more quickly from there and after the first couple of months he said he loved me. Unfortunately I didn't reply and he then backed off a bit from the relationship. From there, things seemed to deteriorate.

 

Did you discuss your differences in feelings towards each other? I would be weary of anyone confessing 'love' after only a couple of months.

 

But if that's what he felt, who am I to argue. Do you know how you felt at that time? Did you think you could grow to love him, even if you weren't ready at that point? Did you explain this to him?

 

Usually, I'm the one to end things, frequently expressing that I'm looking for something more serious. Yet we never go more than three weeks without talking to each other again. He always rebuttals, stating that he's looking for more and that we do have this strong connection and the little things in between do not matter. That he cares very deeply for me and that the relationship is evolving and what's meant to be will be. He's always been very supportive of our future together, even talking about his timeline for when he wants to get married and have kids. And last month he expressed that he wanted to spend the week together to test out how things would be if we lived together.

 

I'm a bit confused here: it sounds like you're both saying you 'want something more serious', while at the same time both pushing each other away. Is this right?

 

What are 'the little things' he refers to? How did you feel about living with him?

 

But after making all those remarks, he said he wanted to discuss the serious things in person. Admittedly, he has been deeply hurt in the past by his ex (she cheated on him with his best friend and they just had a baby together). but it's been two years. Anyways, we had plans to meet, but he cancelled on me last minute claiming his family dog died and his mom was so upset, he wouldn't be able to meet. I obviously saw this as an excuse (seriously no free time at all in an entire week to console his mom and find a new dog? Come on now) and ended it again.

 

Was the dog dying true? And how did you handle it when he told you?

 

And he texts me some picture of him and a girl, writing "say hi to your replacement."

 

This is a SERIOUS red flag. Whether he was hurting or not, to do that does not speak of someone who claims to 'love' you.

 

To ignore this, is to ignore this guy's true character.

 

I would stop communication with him as he obviously does not respect you. But more than that, you need to respect yourself and not respond to him.

 

How can this be the same guy? I'm so confused and just looking for some clarity. I know he cares a great deal for me, but is his insecurities getting in the way. Honestly, I have been talking to other guys. I've told him this and nothing's happened with the other guys of course, but I can't wait around forever. Do you think I self sabotaged the relationship? Or maybe he was just stringing me along?

 

In what ways do you think you self-sabotaged the relationship? Maybe you did, maybe you didn't. But I do think you both share responsibility for each of your actions.

 

TBH, it doesn't matter now so much about his actions, but about what you want and expect from a decent partnership.What kind of qualities would you want in a partner? Do you possess them yourself (it's all good wanting, but can you deliver the goods yourself??).

 

You said that you've usually been the one to walk away first. I've been that girl too. I've discovered that I do have some commitment issues and that's down to insecurities I have about myself. What are yours? It can be liberating to acknowledge and then work on solving them before letting a guy mess with your mind.

[betiti]

Hi, I'm new to this site but after reading your post, I do have some advice for you. I'm recently divorced and seeing someone right now. My relationship with my boyfriend right now is hard work. I have three kids of my own, he's single. We have issues but it's slowly being worked out. My point is, I think everyone has problems, no one is perfect. I think we all come from different backgrounds, how we are raised up affects how we are today as a grown ups dealing with relationships. Based on your situation, the guy you broke up with, was very honest to tell you about his past hurts. I've been cheated on before I got divorced. It was a very hard decision but now I have to live with it. However, I find myself wanting to be in a committed relationship but I am also very afraid to trust that this new person will not hurt me. Same with the guy you broke up with. He's willing to admit he's been hurt before and even though he wants a serious relationship with you, he's afraid. He chickened out meeting with you is probably because he's not ready to talk about it yet. Guys are very different than girls. It's not their nature to share their feelings and deal with their emotions like us. If he's worth it to you, then you have to be more patient and understanding. Those are the qualities you need to be in a healthy relationship anyways. You were quick to break up with him and that's been your pattern but he's also very childish for sending you the text with the new girl. If you still want him then you have to change your ways and reach out to him. Have a mature talk with him to see if something can be worked out. If he's not the worth the hard work, then ignore him and move on. Keep in mind that a relationship requires a lot of work and efforts on his end too. Some guys are good at accepting and changing their ways and some are not. You have to see how he is. Good luck!

Edited April 27, 2011 by betiti

[Amoress]

Thank you both for your replies.

 

Agreed that relationships do take a lot of hard work.

 

In response to ALonerAgain's questions:

 

I think the initial attraction is what drew me to him to begin with. The first night we met I became sick and he was sweet enough to take care of me and drive me home an hour out of his way. After a couple months of continuous dating (talking almost every day and meeting up at least once or twice a week), I certainly felt as though I was "falling for him". Throughout the year, we certainly fell into an effortless comfort, able to talk about anything and even just sit in silence enjoying each other's company.

 

It's certainly become a pattern for both of us to push each other away. The little things in between have been when we've taken a "break." Both of us have initiated contact again and agreed that there must be something that keeps bringing us back together. I was elated when he suggested moving in together, but my rational side wanted to take things slowly. He's made repeated comments about how it's comforting to have me around and that he loves spending time with me. Even when we don't see each other for a couple of months, the moment we meet up again it feels as if nothing's changed. Like somehow everything is just right when we are together.

 

His dog certainly could've passed away, but it's hard to be sure. Of course I sent my condolences and wished him luck in finding a new dog. But I wasn't sure I could believe everything he tells me. And then to find out he was hanging out with another girl at a club. Though he did ask if I could get together last weekend and I told him I couldn't because I had a date. I was just trying to be honest, though that might've backfired.

 

The picture was absolutely the last straw. I agree it was completely unacceptable. I know he just did it because he was hurt that I was ending things and seeing someone else. I just responded that it was very immature of him to send that and that I deserved to be treated better. And the next day he sent a message saying that he was sorry and that he wished he could still see me. And to that I asked him to stop contacting me.

 

I'm just not sure I made the right decision. I majored in psychology in college and sometimes it's a curse and a blessing. I can explain his actions and behaviors, but I can't always justify them. I do believe in a healthy, loving relationship free from insecurities. I certainly tried my best to make things work and have forgiven a lot of his behavior over the past year, but then again, so has he (with me breaking things off every time he cancelled plans or ignored me during holidays). Though how many chances do you give someone?

 

Part of me is just afraid I'll never meet someone that I can connect with like that. Someone who's caring, compassionate and honest on the important things. I know emotions are very difficult to express for guys. And I do give him credit for sharing as much as he has. I think you guys are right though and it's probably for the best we broke up. Who knows what the future holds...

 

Thanks again for all of your input.

[Emilia]

I can relate to your situation 100% although the guy I know is a little different, maybe slightly more mature but in other ways isn't. I have to break the pattern of ending it with someone too hastily (impulsive behaviour, defence mechanism) but at the same time learn to determine what is acceptable and sticking to it (ie stop breaking up and getting back together) - ie how to draw boundaries in a healthy way.

 

I really like this guy too and with all fairness we have had additional circumstances that are very unhelpful (he is in the army) but all the same we have a strong connection and I am struggling to move on and draw a line under it completely.