How do I cope with this pain? relationship just ended

[knathema]

Hey everyone, I been browsing this forum for a little less than a week now. And finally it's my turn to vent out the pain, but it's so great that not even words can describe them. I will try to keep it short. And guys, i wasn't perfect in the relationship and i have learned so so so so so much from it, I was an ******* and I am ashamed of my mistakes and I assure you all that i have changed. Please give me some room to breathe.

 

I am about to turn 22 next month and my ex is turning 21. I know we're young, but it doesnt change the fact that this sucks big time right now. Anyway... My girlfriend and i have been separated for about 1 week now, and she ended things with me. We have been together for about 2 years and 7 months. I keep telling myself to let go, and that i shouldn't dwell over the pasts because life is not meant to travel backward. I know that i should face the reality and move on but how can you say goodbye to the person you love so dearly much? How can i move on when my heart refuses to let go?

 

So things were good during our first year. And second year was when i first broke her heart and dented her trust. Long story short, one of my old female friends and I started to talk a lot and hang out, we got closer and i have done things that i shouldnt have. I regret everything and i am ashamed of myself. Anyway, my ex found out and we fought. I ended things with her, but she came to my house crying and telling me that we could work it out. I loved her, so we got back together and things got better. Except for, i was still talking to that girl, and i hide it from my ex. Time passed, and i stopped talking to that girl and me and my ex worked things out and our relationship got better.

 

My ex and I have often talked about our future together - getting marry, travel together, plan trips together etc. At one point in our relationship, her parents found out that we were having sex and they wanted me to get marry with her. Her parents are super strict and crazy. I loved her and i honestly would love to get marry with her and live with her. But i was so young and i really needed to focus on my education first. I couldn't bear to drop out of school and work so that we could get an apartment together. So at first she moved into my house for a while we were still looking for an apartment and getting the paperwork prepared for our marriage. All these crazy negative thoughts were overwhelming me and I just wasnt happy at all. I guess you can say that i was "immature" and i wasn't ready to get marry at age 21. She didn't have a car so i had to get pick up her from work/school everyday etc, i honestly didn't mind all that much but i was just overwhelmed by everything at once - school, the marriage, and how we are going to work and go to school at the same time to pay the apartment. I seriously don't think i could work full time and go to med school at the same time. Finally, i just couldn't handle all the stress that were overwhelming me, i called it off. I broke her heart again, but we stayed together and she went behind her parents back to see me at times, I told her we can do this and we just need time.

 

Things got better but it just seem like we didn't get along and would fight about the dumbest stuff ever. But no matter how much we fought, i still love her and miss her all the time and we would always make up. In march, i went back to visit my family oversea for a month, she told me how much she didn't want me to go back because she is going to miss me. We talked alot when i was away and she told me how much she loves me and how much she misses me. I thought about her everyday when i was away and i bought her a lot of cute souvenirs. We were so happy to see each other when i came back to the state. Then school started, and this quarter she is not even considered as a "full-time" student and she is not working at the time, but she told me that she needs to study all the time and that it's hard to go behind her parents sometimes. She also told me how i dont appreciate her enough and that she is the only one trying in the relationship. We fought again, she told me she wanted to be with me and asked me what i wanted. The next day, she told me that she needs time apart and that maybe we should just go our separate way. This time she ended things with me and she told me that there's no going back. She told me that she loves me but not enough to give me another chance. I was devastated, I was 100% committed to her after that last incident. I shredded tears and i told her that i was sorry for everything that i have done in the past and i asked for another chance. But she said no and I went NC with her.

 

I found out yesterday that she is seeing this guy that she knew for a while, they used to go to church together and he lives about 3 hours away from her.

They talked a lot and it seems like they are getting closer. Is she rebounding? I was devastated, i am in so much pain right now i just don't know how to cope with this pain.

I broke the NC rule so i could ask her about it, she told me that he wasn't the reason we broke up and that she said she just isnt happy anymore, she is tired of trying to fix the relationship by herself. I removed her from my FB because i can't bear to see that she's with another guy. But we have so many mutual friends together that I can still see her post at my friend's wall. I can't even bear to see her profile picture, it's driving me insane. I have learned so much from this relationship and i am ashamed of the mistakes that i made. I know some of you may think that i deserve this, but please give me some room to breathe, and i have learned so much from this that i will never repeat what i have done. What should i do? How do i cope with this pain?

 

I was so shocked and devastated, it was so sudden and i wasnt prepared for this. I am in school right now and it's so hard to focus on my school work. I been trying so hard to keep myself busy, but after i found out that she's seeing another guy, my heart is about to rip open. I feel so sad, I don't see myself loving again, i am so hurt right now. How can she move on so fast? it has only been less than a week.

Edited April 27, 2011 by knathema

[knathema]

And the worst part is that.. sometimes i would be okay. But then all of the sudden, giant waves of depression, emptiness, loneliness, hopelessness, despair will hit me so hard that i just dont know what to do.

[VJohnson32]

Don't be too hard on yourself. These are not mistakes, they are part of the growing up process. When I was your age I must have slept with some many girls behind my girlfriends back at the time. Sexuality is at peak at this age and exploring and enjoying is what is all about. The mistake was to get serious with somebody at your age. The divorce rate is so high in the states because of couples getting married way too early between the ages of 21-25.

Finish your school and concentrate on you development.

If she is rebounding with somebody else then thats her problem and she would have to deal with the consequences that come with a rebound relationship. Rebound relationships are mostly emotionless, they lack trust and the future is beyond blurry and unstable. They also damage one's self esteem. People that rebound have bad judgement issues and no self respect and cannot deal with their own emotions.

As far as how to cope with the pain, time is your best bet. To make the healing process go a bit quicker you need to follow few steps. Which I'm pretty sure you are aware of. Go NC and disappear from her life. Delete her from fb and block her. You'll be getting the occasion temptations and urges that come with NC but if you're strong-willed you will heal a lot quicker than the average joe.

The pain of course will be unbearable, the emotional stress will take a toll on your body. Few things that help out is DO NOT force yourself to do something you dont want to. Going out with friends help a bit but only for the time being. If you have someone to vent to and talk to that helps a lot. Working out in the gym is a great healer as well. Anything that stimulates your mind and body.

Just remember that it gets better with time as long as you dont reopen the wound by contacting it will all be alright.

[knathema]

Thanks for your reply. I really appreciate that you took the time to read my wall of text and provided such positive feedback. I have actually just deleted FB for the time being because we have like 80 mutual friends together, it was just unbearable to see her profile picture. I will try my best to deal with the NC rule.. but one problem. Next month, one of my good friend is getting married and we planned to go together before we broke up. So i think she is going to be there. I really need to go to this wedding but i don't want to see her there, i don't wanna reopen my wound.

[reallyconfused2542]

i feel your pain...i think mine is rebounding.. but at the same time now i wonder if i was just the rebound

[Rosa Tamora]

Thanks for your reply. I really appreciate that you took the time to read my wall of text and provided such positive feedback. I have actually just deleted FB for the time being because we have like 80 mutual friends together, it was just unbearable to see her profile picture. I will try my best to deal with the NC rule.. but one problem. Next month, one of my good friend is getting married and we planned to go together before we broke up. So i think she is going to be there. I really need to go to this wedding but i don't want to see her there, i don't wanna reopen my wound.

 

 

Well, good news is that you have a month to help yourself heal before you go to the wedding. I'm not saying that a month from now you will heal altogether, but you at least have abit of time to reflect and do things for yourself before you run into her again.

 

And, GOOD for you for deleting her on FB. It is liberating, right? You don't have to run into her pictures etc. I did that last week so I can't recommend it enough!

 

Figure out what you like to do? What make you happy that you have control over? Now is the time to go out and find that hobby, and get into it. It will help take your mind off the pain, not entirely, but a little bit. This "little bit" will soon snowball and you'll find yourself thinking of then less, and less. Slowly but surely.

 

I am month and 10 days post breakup. And I'm beginning to feel better. Everynow and then a sad wave will hit you, it happens, but you will be able to bounce back faster than before, I promise you this!

 

Focus on school, you're still young, and education is the gift that keeps on giving. One day in the future when you have that awesome job and good pay, you will look back at this and wonder "hmm. What?"

 

Time will heal everything!

[knathema]

Well, good news is that you have a month to help yourself heal before you go to the wedding. I'm not saying that a month from now you will heal altogether, but you at least have abit of time to reflect and do things for yourself before you run into her again.

 

And, GOOD for you for deleting her on FB. It is liberating, right? You don't have to run into her pictures etc. I did that last week so I can't recommend it enough!

 

Figure out what you like to do? What make you happy that you have control over? Now is the time to go out and find that hobby, and get into it. It will help take your mind off the pain, not entirely, but a little bit. This "little bit" will soon snowball and you'll find yourself thinking of then less, and less. Slowly but surely.

 

I am month and 10 days post breakup. And I'm beginning to feel better. Everynow and then a sad wave will hit you, it happens, but you will be able to bounce back faster than before, I promise you this!

 

Focus on school, you're still young, and education is the gift that keeps on giving. One day in the future when you have that awesome job and good pay, you will look back at this and wonder "hmm. What?"

 

Time will heal everything!

 

Thank you Rosa for providing such a positive feedback. I am almost 2 weeks of NC and things had gotten better but I am still getting these giant waves of depression and loneliness from time to time. Especially today when i was in school, it was such a long day and it was so hard to focus. During my break time, she would usually wait for me outside of my class and i still haven't gotten used to it yet. Although I can now control myself of not contacting her because it hurts so much knowing that she is seeing somebody else like a week after our break up. And they were already talking before we broke up. So even if i contacted her, nothing will change the reality. I just kept telling myself that "she left you". And i am so ready to move on, i just want to be normal and have my life back. As for the wedding, i might consider talking to my friends about not going, i know that they will understand but we'll see what happen, i might get better soon before i know it.