I didn't think exes could be this cruel...

[Cristoforo]

My ex is such a bitch. I can't believe a human being could do something like this to someone else. I'm still hurting. I know I need to move on but I'm still feeling the effects of this disaster of trip. I've been drinking, which is not good, but I just feel so defeated, so hurt, and I can't seem to pick myself up from this yet. I just never thought she would hurt me like this. I left her alone. I tried to move on. She pops in and out of my life by making contact and then leads me on and invites me to come see her in Hawaii and then wants nothing to do with me once I'm there, what kind of messed up person does that? I'm just feeling so many emotions right now, I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm frustrated, I feel hopeless, depressed. I need to pick myself up and move forward but it is a challenge.

[myhearthurtsbadly]

My ex is such a bitch. I can't believe a human being could do something like this to someone else. I'm still hurting. I know I need to move on but I'm still feeling the effects of this disaster of trip. I've been drinking, which is not good, but I just feel so defeated, so hurt, and I can't seem to pick myself up from this yet. I just never thought she would hurt me like this. I left her alone. I tried to move on. She pops in and out of my life by making contact and then leads me on and invites me to come see her in Hawaii and then wants nothing to do with me once I'm there, what kind of messed up person does that? I'm just feeling so many emotions right now, I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm frustrated, I feel hopeless, depressed. I need to pick myself up and move forward but it is a challenge.

 

 

My ex had diagnosed BPD and yours sounds similiar. Run away as fast as you can. They are triuly and utterly mental and make you question the very foundations of your existence and morals and argh i cant even describe. It really is madness and is incredibly destructive. Right now try and think of it as you lost $2500 escaping a woman that would have truly destroyed you if you let her. In the future you will look back and laugh and ask yourself why the **** did i do that!? Chin up. The annoying thing about BPD girls is they tend to be incredible in bed, they also know the exact right things to say to hook you around their little finger without you knowing it. Be happy you have escaped.

[dreamingoftigers]

Yeah you got burned bad dude. Let this one be written in the record books.

[JasonRules]

My ex is such a bitch. I can't believe a human being could do something like this to someone else. I'm still hurting. I know I need to move on but I'm still feeling the effects of this disaster of trip. I've been drinking, which is not good, but I just feel so defeated, so hurt, and I can't seem to pick myself up from this yet. I just never thought she would hurt me like this. I left her alone. I tried to move on. She pops in and out of my life by making contact and then leads me on and invites me to come see her in Hawaii and then wants nothing to do with me once I'm there, what kind of messed up person does that? I'm just feeling so many emotions right now, I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm frustrated, I feel hopeless, depressed. I need to pick myself up and move forward but it is a challenge.

 

 

It is a challenge, but you have two choices. You can let her break you and become a shadow of the man you used to be OR you can pick your azz up, dust off, and continue along this path called LIFE.

 

Remember, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I went through hell with my ex emotionally for months because it was dragged out, but I chose to pick myself up and turn things around for myself and my life. It hasn't been even 2 months and I'm doing great.

 

You can do it as well; you just need to stop focusing on her and start focusing on yourself. So take all that negative energy and turn it into positive energy.

[Fufu]

My ex is such a bitch. I can't believe a human being could do something like this to someone else. I'm still hurting. I know I need to move on but I'm still feeling the effects of this disaster of trip. I've been drinking, which is not good, but I just feel so defeated, so hurt, and I can't seem to pick myself up from this yet. I just never thought she would hurt me like this. I left her alone. I tried to move on. She pops in and out of my life by making contact and then leads me on and invites me to come see her in Hawaii and then wants nothing to do with me once I'm there, what kind of messed up person does that? I'm just feeling so many emotions right now, I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm frustrated, I feel hopeless, depressed. I need to pick myself up and move forward but it is a challenge.

 

She has hurt you, fine. That's her own choice and decision to do whatever she wants.

 

Same goes to you, it's your own life. You don't have to hurt yourself.

If she keeps on contacting her, you could tell her to leave you alone and seek your NC even if she still contacts you, IGNORE HER ALL THE WAY.

 

You are the one in the end hurting yourself.

 

If you are moving on or find that moving on is a challenge. It is because you are not doing all your best to start moving on. You are probably still finding some excuses for yourself.

 

It's your life, remember. From day 1 you were born, you are responsible and accountable for your own life. Think about this, would you want another person to destroy your life and future? NO.

 

Everytime you gave in to her contacts, you are the one doing sorry things to yourself.

 

Have some pride and MAN UP. You don't deserve how she treat you.

[Cristoforo]

Thanks all for the good advice. Need to stay strong here and pick myself up. It seems like most people are on my side with this thing. I posted my story on another forum and someone actually said it was all my doing and that I should have handled it differently and I shouldn't have acted clingy after she ditched me the first night. Now I'm starting to beat myself up thinking what would have happened had I not texted her and called her a bunch after she said she needed some space, but then I think to myself, who calls someone up and tells them they miss them, asks them to fly half way around the world, and then ditches them after 3 hours. But I could be wrong. Maybe it is all my fault and my doing.

[Downtown]

Chris, you mention that you suspect your exGF has BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). If so, that would easily explain the strange behavior because BPDers do black-white thinking. That is, they flip back and forth between extreme views of people and the "flip" can be triggered in 10 seconds based on some minor thing you do or say.

 

If this is the case, however, you would have seen many signs of it during your 4 and a half years of dating her. Specifically, you would have had up to six months of a wonderful, passionate honeymoon period in which she considered you her savior. That would have been followed by four years of you feeling you were "walking on eggshells" because you would never know what comment or deed would cause her to push you away -- typically by starting an argument over nothing. Was this the case during that dating period with her?

 

I ask because emotionally unstable people -- as BPDers are -- do not behave normally for nearly five years and then pull the ugly stunt your exGF did to you in Hawaii.

[Cristoforo]

Downtown, yes, I saw many signs of that during our relationship. She was hot and cold all the time. I did things I didn't even think were wrong and she would freak out on me. I'll give an extreme example...years ago I was on instant messanger and my ex before my current ex IMs me out of the blue. My ex thinks that I have been talking to her and hiding it from her, when I assure her I just got this message out of the blue and I am not talking to this person at all. She doesn't believe me, she gets angry and throws a plant at my head.

 

Her mom has BPD, I think she has it. She was sexually abused as a child, used to cut herself and was suicidal before I met her. She was always so dramatic about everything. I always felt like I was doing something wrong and it was so frustrating. When you say "walking on eggshells", I felt like that was always the case.

 

And it is so freaky that you say 6 months of a honeymoon period where I am her savior so to speak, that's EXACTLY what happened. The first 6 months of our relationship were amazing. Then that was followed by what I think is BPD behavior.

 

I forgot to add that we were engaged after 4 years of being together. The day I proposed she told me she didn't like the ring and that she had told me about what she liked before and that I got it wrong. So I had to return the ring and go with her to get another one of her liking. That weekend we went away and we fought over the stupidest of things and she just wanted to pick fights and threatened to call off the wedding. Months later, when I told her I was getting nervous about the wedding, she freaked and took that to mean I didn't want to marry her, and then she called off the engagement.

Edited April 28, 2011 by Cristoforo

[DontWorryBHappy]

I've been following your post. Based on what you just said, this girl has a SERIOUS issue with freaking out about things that are unnecessary to freak out about. She freaks out about the engagement ring - obviously that means she cared a lot more about an object than what it meant. She freaks out about you being nervous - instead of trying to talk to you to get you to feel comfortable, she runs away. She freaks out about you coming to Hawaii, which was HER invite. AND she admits to inviting you because she "wanted to be friends, was drunk and lonely". That's about the lamest thing I've ever heard. The only mistake you made in this was putting your heart and trust into a situation that was never going to work out. But you live and you learn.

 

My advice to you is to force yourself to move forward. I have been going through a break up and it's the most heart wrenching thing..... the one thing that keeps me going is when I continue telling myself that everything happens for a reason. This happened to you so that you could learn to guard your heart better in the future, and so you could finally close the door on this person for good. I truly wish you all the best - you seem like a very good person and I assure you there is someone out there who will treat you way better than she ever could.

[reallyconfused2542]

i think we might have been dating the same kind of girl....http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t275568/

[Eeyore79]

My long distance ex-bf once dragged me halfway round the world US-Europe at my expense, only to dump me pretty much as soon as I arrived. He hung out with me on Friday night when I arrived, but he was gone all day Saturday, all day Sunday, and Sunday night. By Monday morning I'd had enough and wanted to go home; he apologized and drove me to the airport, saying that his schedule was just so busy and he'd spend time with me as soon as things calmed down. That was the last time I ever saw him. He later apologized by email for dragging me all that way at great expense and then avoiding me; I'm glad if he felt like s**t because that's what he is.

 

The moral of the story is that some people are psychopaths who only care about themselves, and you are better off staying far away from them. I'm sorry that you had this experience, because I know how it feels. Please have some self respect and never contact this girl ever again; there are plenty of other normal non-psychopaths out there for you to date instead.

[Downtown]

Chris, yes, you are describing strong traits of BPD. Whether they are severe enough to meet the diagnostic criteria for having full-blown BPD is a determination that only a professional can make. This does not mean, however, you cannot spot a strong occurrence of BPD traits. By the time you graduated high school, you could spot the class drama queen without diagnosing Histrionic PD. You could spot strong selfishness and grandiosity without diagnosing Narcissistic PD. And you could recognize extremely shy classmates without knowing how to diagnose Avoidant PD. Likewise, you can spot the red flags for BPD traits just by reading more about them.

She was hot and cold all the time. I did things I didn't even think were wrong and she would freak out on me.

One of the hallmarks of BPDer behavior is the endless cycle of push-away and pull-back. There are several reasons for this behavior. One is that the BPDer has two strong fears: engulfment and abandonment. Because she has a fragile, unstable sense of who she is, she hates to be alone. She wants a strong personality around her who will help "center her" and give her focus.

 

Yet, as you draw close to her, she will feel engulfed by your strong personality, as though she is losing herself and evaporating into thin air. She also will experience it as been suffocated and controlled by you. She therefore will push you away, usually by creating an argument over nothing. This, incidentally, is why your worst arguments with a BPDer will happen immediately after your most intimate evenings or best weekends together. And, certainly, a wonderful afternoon in Hawaii could easily overwhelmed her.

 

As you draw back to give her breathing space, however, you will eventually trigger her fear of abandonment within weeks, if not days. Then she will start pulling you back by being extra sweet and giving you great make up sex. Significantly, this unending flipping from adoration to devaluation is very confusing and addictive, because you are always thinking you can restore the ecstasy if you can only figure out what you are doing wrong.

 

Another reason for his alternating between adoration and devaluation is her splitting, i.e., her tendency to only be in touch with one set of feelings at a time. BPDers cannot tolerate having strong mixed feelings for very long. The result is that, when she is loving you, she is totally out of touch with the bad feelings and doubts she has about you. And, likewise, when she is not loving you, she is totally out of touch with her loving feelings. This leads to her classifying everyone as "all good" or "all bad," a process called "all-or-nothing" thinking that results from splitting. It creates a black-white view of people that, not surprisingly, destroys her ability to maintain LTRs with folks. Moreover, based on an innocent comment or action, a BPDer (i.e., a person with strong traits) will reclassify people from one extreme to the other in a few seconds.

I just got this message out of the blue and I am not talking to this person at all. She doesn't believe me, she gets angry and throws a plant at my head.

BPDers get jealous over nothing because they are very insecure, have low self esteem, and -- most importantly -- are incapable of trusting you (unless they get several years of treatment). Because LTRs must be built on trust, it is impossible to have a lasting relationship with a person who is unable to trust.

Her mom has BPD, I think she has it.

Scientists have not established to a certainty what causes BPD. The current thinking is that there is a strong genetic component which predisposes the person to being vulnerable to this disorder. It therefore is not surprising that her mother has been diagnosed with it.

She was sexually abused as a child

In a recent study of nearly 35,000 American adults, 6% were found to have BPD at the diagnostic level. Of those, 70% reported having been abused or abandoned in childhood.

She used to cut herself and was suicidal before I met her.

The cutting and suicide attempts indicate that her BPD traits are very serious because these behaviors are characteristic of low functioning BPDers. Of course, she may now be high functioning if she improved after the stress level went down. In any event, she has very serious issues with such traits.

I always felt like I was doing something wrong and it was so frustrating. When you say "walking on eggshells", I felt like that was always the case.

That is why the best selling BPD book (targeted to the nonBPD partners like you) is called "Stop Walking on Eggshells." For four years, you were not being yourself. You did not start becoming the "old Chris" until you broke up with her. Thank goodness for the disaster in Hawaii. Otherwise you would be walking on eggshells right now on that island (I lived there, by the way, for a year -- it's great without an untreated BPDer around).

And it is so freaky that you say 6 months of a honeymoon period where I am her savior so to speak, that's EXACTLY what happened. The first 6 months of our relationship were amazing. Then that was followed by what I think is BPD behavior.

They were amazing because that is the closest experience you will ever have to making love to yourself. Yes, I said "to yourself." Because a BPDer has a fragile, unstable sense of who she is, she has no internal compass to guide her in how to behave around other people. She therefore figures out what others expect of her and then tries to act in that manner. Significantly, this is not manipulative behavior. Rather, it is simply the way she's been thinking since childhood as a way of fitting into her surroundings and trying to be accepted and loved. This is why your exGF acts differently -- seeming to be a different person -- when she is around different types of people. This process is called "mirroring."

 

Hence, when she became infatuated with you, she pulled out all the stops and mirrored you nearly perfectly -- reflecting back all the best attributes of your personality. Indeed, for the six months, she convinced even herself that she liked all the things you like -- and hated all the things you hated. The result was that BOTH of you were convinced you had met your "soul mate." Alas, that illusion could not last very long.

 

On top of the mirroring, you also enjoyed being idealized as the knight in shining armour who had ridden in to save her from that string of BFs who had treated her so badly (of course, she is saying the same things about you now to her newest saviour). In addition, you probably enjoyed the most passionate sex you will ever experience unless you find yourself another unstable woman.

The day I proposed she told me she didn't like the ring and that she had told me about what she liked before and that I got it wrong. So I had to return the ring and go with her to get another one of her liking.

Well, that was a wasted effort. She would stop liking that new ring very soon, probably within a few weeks. With BPDers, they lose interest in things very quickly. With my exW, for example, she hated the engagement ring, the $3500 piano, the $6000 worth of sewing machines, and on and on. She loved all of them for up to two weeks. Then it was the wrong color or wrong size. Although she picked out everything herself, she nonetheless blamed it all on me because she believed she would have picked out a better object if only she had thought I would go along with it.

 

BPDers blame you for every misfortune and bad choice because they considered themselves to be perpetual victims. To maintain that illusion, a "perpetrator" (i.e., you or me) is needed around at all times -- for blaming.

That weekend we went away and we fought over the stupidest of things and she just wanted to pick fights.

A BPDer's fear of engulfment is so strong that she finds continual intimacy to be suffocating.

When I told her I was getting nervous about the wedding, she freaked and took that to mean I didn't want to marry her, and then she called off the engagement.

You dodged a bullet then. And you dodged another bullet in Hawaii. My advice is to think of the $2,000 spent on Hawaii as the biggest bang-for-the-buck education you ever got. You've learned that, like me, you have codependency traits. Without them, you never would have remained in that toxic relationship with a BPDer for four years. Wanting to help a sick person is a good thing. But it is not emotionally healthy to want to keep helping when it is to your great detriment to do so. You and I do that because our desire to be needed (for what we can do) far exceeds our desire to be loved (for the men we already are).

 

Hence, the thing that attracted you so strongly to Hawaii was not so much your love for her but, rather, your strong desire to be needed -- to feel useful -- to feel like the white knight again. This means that you are still at great risk. No, there is no danger you will return to your exGF. Instead, the danger is that you will run right into the arms of another one just like her.

 

Guys like you and me will walk right past the women who are emotionally available and capable of actually loving us in a mature fashion. BORING. We keep walking until we find an unstable woman who desperately NEEDS US. Unless that desperate need exists, we don't feel loved because we mistake "being needed" for "being loved." This is why we are suckers for "vulnerability," which to us is like catnip to a cat. And BPDers are masters at projecting vulnerability because they forever think of themselves as victims.

 

For an overview of these issues, I suggest you look at my posts in Inigo's thread. They begin at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2826453#post2826453. If that discussion rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss these issues further here in your thread if you have questions. Meanwhile, please start taking better care of yourself, Caregiver.

[Cristoforo]

Downtown, thank you for tremendous insight. I appreciate it. You made a lot of great points. The only thing that you talked about that doesn't describe my ex is the sex part. I was her first. Because she was abused, she was very cautious about sex and when we had it, it wasn't that passionate or great at all. It would always hurt her and sometimes during it she would get pissed off and claim that I was treating her like an object.

 

One time she freaked out on me because I couldn't perform. I was tired and had a lot of stress going on outside the relationship. My mind was elsewhere. I couldn't get it up. She took that to mean I wasn't attracted to her at all and she freaked. I don't think I ever had great, passionate sex with her.

[reallyconfused2542]

downtown

great post

everything you wrote i experienced to a T. the insanely amazing sex was definitely there along with all the bad as well

the one thing i cant wrap my head around that kind of messes with me is that she said that the cutting and suicides were from me not telling there that i loved her or that i wanted to be with her forever(i wasn't capable to do it then and thats what i said). i have quite a bit of guilt for that and just wondering if thats a classic example of what they do. she told me straight up she had BPD and was treated with lithium for a little when she was younger. now she takes nothing, doesn't see a shrink and thinks that she will get better learning the ways of yoga, meditation and such. i hope thats true but could it just be another phase of hers till the spiral starts again?

 

cristo

not trying to hijack your thread, just seemed to fit in here

[JimmyB26]

Ok, to the OP, and anyone else dealing with abusive or manipulative ex-girlfriends, I'm glad to know I'm not alone. Check out this blog, it's run by a female psychotherapist, which is unusual, because female therapists are far more likely to empathize with a woman and bash a man. This blog really helped me out in the healing process:

 

www.shrink4men.com

 

In case you don't want to read my whole story below, I made a huge gesture like you did, about a year after she dumped me. On our first real date, she told me that she eventually wanted to adopt a Romanian orphan - apparently thousands of children are living in poverty and the government had halted all adoptions. For her college graduation a year after she dumped me, I made a very generous donation (didn't tell her how much it was) to an American charity supporting Romanian orphans. I got a call thanking me and saying "it wasn't necessary" (I knew that, no gift is NECESSARY, that's why it's a gift) and the call descended into an argument over some girl who I slept with months after we were finished dating. I texted her about the second half of the gift after we got off the phone - she was a pretty talented artist by hobby, and I arranged with the charity that if she wanted to do a painting, it could be shipped to and hung on the wall of an orphanage in Romania. Never heard back after that.

 

It's been a whole year since I last saw her randomly on the street, and I don't know where she is or what she's doing, but I've come very far on my own, and I'm dating a beautiful young woman who's got a great head on her shoulders, is very sweet, and adores me.

 

My story:

 

My ex gf texted me all the time after she broke it off in April '09. I chalk it up to immaturity (she was 21, I was 29). Keep in mind I was seeing her while I was separated, at probably the most vulnerable point in my life. She didn't like that I was still married, but freaked out when she realized how serious I was about ending the marriage (filing the divorce papers). She ended up breaking up with me two days before my divorce became official, and then, as I tried to move on with my life, kept on creating drama and would not think about the space I might need to clear my head and restart my life:

 

1. She went to see the new guy in Florida for the 4th of July weekend and I went to see a new girl in Los Angeles the same weekend, and she knew I went to see the new girl. Before each of us left, she texted me late at night asking me if she could stop by on her way home and "give me a hug". Weird, but ok...I let her.

 

She texted me a picture of her posing in a bikini kissy-face while on the trip to see her new boyfriend. Luckily the girl I was visiting never saw it. I went back and forth between thinking she was so pathetic it was funny and being furious at her for it, and I called her on it when we both got back into town.

 

2. Every time I started to distance myself from the ex and take a few hours to respond to her text, or not jump at the chance to see her, she'd start to panic and fear loss/abandonment. Loss of control, in actuality.

 

3. When I finally got tired of the "friends" nonsense with her for a while by August and really wanted to focus on my own dating life (even though it was way too soon to be dating, but I WAS having fun, as a teaching assistant bedding college girls, hehe) I put her in stone cold NC, and she tried everything. Texts, voicemails serenading me, she even sent me a long "thank you" card - all while she was with this dude in Florida. My buddy took one look at this card and was like, "If I caught my girl writing this to an ex, I'd be out the door in a second."

 

4. I got every text joke forwarded to me that the new guy sent to her. Some funny, most of it though was really offensive.

 

5. We met for drinks at a bar in November, trying to be genuine friends. Her phone was out on the table. She'd just gotten through telling me she was meeting this kid's family over Thanksgiving. The phone rings and it's the new guy, I could see it from my seat. She looked at the phone, then looked at me. I waited for her to pick up the call, but she let it go to voicemail while staring at me with this sick little smile on her face.

 

6. In early December I got two text jokes featuring the vile, offensive n-word. Not something I ever really want to hear from anyone, let alone a girl I once thought was attractive. I called her on it, telling her that I thought the world of her and asked politely that she stop sending me those jokes or stop using that word. Her response, "No need to get offended, they're just forwards". Meaning it was MY choice to be offended or not. She hadn't done anything wrong, in her mind. After that, I was a pariah. Until my birthday, when I got a "Happy belated birthday" text.

 

The most important lessons that this whole long process taught me:

1. As I got farther and farther away from the relationship, and had more and more fun with more and more other women, she grew more and more concerned with making sure I still thought she was special. In reality, I had better sex and more fun with girls with less issues.

2. She showed me her true colors once I held her at arms length: she turned into a game-playing, control-seeking, manipulative, immature, and jealous freak who treated people like props and didn't really possess any unique qualities that haven't been matched by people I've met since.

3. Most importantly, she showed me what it was like to be in a relationship with her. I began to ask myself who she was sending racy pictures to and playing texting games with when she was with ME. Then I asked myself why I'd ever want to be with someone who behaved this way with an ex up to eight months later while in a new relationship.

 

 

Some other points:

 

She told me that she had told the new guy that "we'd dated but it didn't work out" and we were friends. Somehow, I doubt he got the play-by-play of all of the interactions she and I had. For instance, when I asked her about that picture, I asked repeatedly if he'd known that she'd sent it to me, and she repeatedly dodged answering it. Lies of omission were a tactic she frequently used.

 

This rebound for her was a long distance relationship for her, and I'm willing to bet that the new guy put up with her behavior not because - as she claimed - "he's not the jealous type", but because he probably felt he was batting so far out of his league that if he put his foot down she'd ditch.

 

The most shocking thing to me is that with the full knowledge of the new guy, she told me that she'd occasionally let another long-time heterosexual male friend whom she'd once dated sleep in her bed with her. Fine while she's single, but when she's monogamous with someone, even early on in the first couple months, that's testing what she can get away with and what the level of respect needs to be.

 

I began to feel sorry for the new guy as she was able to be charming enough to keep him focused on her while she was at a distance, but every time she visited, reinforce that infatuation that he felt for her. Based on all of her games and nonsense, though, I'm quite sure that real intimacy would scare the crap out of her.

 

It's been over a year since I've said anything to her at all. Things really went downhill for communications once I criticized her for her racist text jokes and wouldn't let her off the hook - I think she needs and feels entitled to that worship from friends and men since she has a void she needs to fill inside, and feeds on the praise, attention, adulation, flattery, and gifts to feel whole and some sort of an identity. Eventually, last April, about this time last year, she told me we wouldn't be friends, as if it weren't already obvious. I accepted and stated that therefore we need not be friends on facebook, so I deleted her.

 

That must have injured her, because she did the only thing she had left to try to one-up me and retaliate - she blocked me. Gasp! I had to laugh at that one.

Edited April 28, 2011 by JimmyB26

[Sweet_T]

Definite personality disorder! She seems off her rocker...for real!

 

Exes can be very cruel...trust me I know!

 

But hopefully this was enough for you

[reallyconfused2542]

Downtown

ive been reading through a lot of your posts and you seem to have quite a grasp on the whole BPd thing. is there any way to talk to you further about it?

[reallyconfused2542]

and do you think that ill hear from her again or is the BPD mind able to just shut out and compartmentalize all those feelings and emotions she said she felt for me

[whatdoido1717]

You have to move on. I got caught up trying to read everything about BPD so I could understand her more. It won't make it better you will get caught up in trying to learn and it will satisfy something in you right now that wants to maintain some kind of connection.

 

Besides, the more I read about it the harder it got. Sorrow for her. Guilt. Knowing you are painted black and she's not thinking bout you but on to her next knight in white armour. Knowing that it wasn't real love. It all sucks. You will only get more pain and unanswered questions by delving deeper into it. Her emotions and logic are like that of a child and you and I and all of us that have been there are like a toy to a child that and that child got sick of when it stopped filling her void.

 

Believe me I know the pain, I'm still in it, you can read my thread. I miss her despite all the F's up sh** I miss the sex. I miss the good memories, but even then, what were those memories. Above poster was right on, you think you hit the jackpot and found your soulmate so you over look red flags. They mirror you and... you know what I'm done. I'm going back to focusing on me. One of my goals was not to read and get caught up in BPD education anymore so I am just going to stop here.

 

Gotta focus on ourselves and let time heal these very deep wounds. LET HER GO. DON'T TRY AND SAVE HER. UNDERSTANDING BPD WILL NOT MAKE IT EASIER BUT HARDER. DON'T THINK ABOUT TELLING HER YOU THINK SHE HAS BPD. JUST TRY AND LET IT ALL GO AND BECOME STRONGER. I am a very kind sensitive and caring person and it has never been in my nature to let somebody go that is hurting. You want to help but we can do NOTHING but stick around and continue our pain. You're worth more than that.

 

"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional." ...I need to keep heeding my own advice. (Wrote this on my phone so I apoligize if my grammer and spelling sucks)

[reallyconfused2542]

the thing is is that she knows that she has it. it was the first thing that she told me along with the tremendous amount of childhood issues (mother has 4 kids from 3 different fathers, telling her she wasn't worth anything as a child, raped, dope at like 15-16 which she kicked, and quite a few others) do i try contact her after a week or two? do you think shell contact me? or is it like you said she found her new knight

[whatdoido1717]

Ugh, after I wrote this I was lettin it seep into my head then on the radio comes "badfish" by Sublime. She had "badfish" tattoo'd on her leg. Led to thinkin about her other tats... "doin dirt" across her knuckles, "please forgive me?" On her leg... ...what do those tattoos tell you. Man, see the type of anguish delving into this can bring about. Three deep breaths and stop focuing on the past.

[reallyconfused2542]

i just hate the feeling like im quitting on her even though she quit on us and that i would be able to cope with a lot of that stuff if i had an understanding. again it could possibly be a lost cause. did yours ever contact you again or did she just move on?

[Cristoforo]

Yeah, its hard sometimes not to dwell on the past. All you can think about is the good moments and you forget all the bad moments and the red flags. Sometimes, and I'm sure most people going through a breakup feel like this, I feel like I'll never meet anyone as "good" as my ex. Like I'll never fall in love again or meet someone who I can feel as comfortable with as I did with my ex. It sucks feeling that way but I guess in time good things will happen but only if you let them happen. And one way they won't happen, and a sure fire way to miss out on opportunities to meet other people is to always be thinking of the past and your ex. It's tough.

[whatdoido1717]

the thing is is that she knows that she has it. it was the first thing that she told me along with the tremendous amount of childhood issues (mother has 4 kids from 3 different fathers, telling her she wasn't worth anything as a child, raped, dope at like 15-16 which she kicked, and quite a few others) do i try contact her after a week or two? do you think shell contact me? or is it like you said she found her new knight

 

I wish my ex had known and told me so I could've ran the other way.my ex had same things. Abused, raped, attempted suicide, jail, heroin, oxy addict. It goes on. Mine hasn't contacted me in 2 weeks and doubt she ever will. Think she went back to her ex fiance. I don't know. I saw them together a week after we broke up and lost it. I doubt she will ever contact me again. The only reason they will ever contact us is when they get bored of their new knight. Its called hoovering. You can't fall for it. She may be sweet and say she wants you back but it is just manipulation tactics. It is so hard. You want them to show some sign of remorse, some sign they really cared, that they felt what you did. Most likely she doesn't feel any of that. You've been painted black. Such a hard pill to swallow. The only sorrow she probably feels is for her own life not you/us.

[reallyconfused2542]

thanks. the truth really hurts and i do want nothing more than to show her that i could give her what she wants. but in the end i guess the list of emotional "what i want" will really be never ending