Unless I can find someone else to be with, I think I'm screwed.

[LittleMaya]

I've been trying to write this out, but I think I should start over. The other post was way too long. Even cut down, it's still pretty long..

 

This summer I'm going to be moving into a place with three people I know, and we are renting the place for twelve months. Now that I've had time for the reality of it to sink in, I'm quietly freaking out.

 

One of them is a guy friend that, the more I think about it, the less I like. Sometimes it feels like we're in some weird kind of relationship, as if we are like a couple except with absolutely no physical attraction, at least not from me anyway, and I hate it. I don't want him to be my best friend. I don't want to be paired up with him. When I think about him, the thoughts I think sound like what I imagine a girl would think about a guy she no longer wants to be with. He's insecure, rubbish with his money, isn't that fun, and the other day I spent a few days at the gang's house and felt really angry at him for having a stupid voice. He can't sing. His voice is annoying. Etc, etc. Perhaps I've just been spending too much time with him in my presence. Or maybe I'm just afraid that after I graduate, I will become a loser like him. He's not a complete loser.. but. If I were to be blunt, he also kind of is. And I hate it when he touches me in a way that seems affectionate or pats me on the head. Urgh. I have got to do something about that.

 

One of the others is another guy friend, but he's one that I want. That's the simplest way for me to put it. I fancy him, and I know for a fact that on some level, he fancies me. When we first met each other about 20 months ago, we were seeing each other, but not exclusively. Things got a bit messy, I had to stop seeing him romantically because I couldn't deal with getting too intimate with him [the closer we got to having sex, the more I would freak out, freeze up, and tell him I was freaking out] while he was seeing others, or "experimenting" and "exploring" with other girls too, so we agreed to just stay "friends". We started getting more romantic again last summer, but then we stopped. I think he started caring about me, because he said wanted me to have the same chance he did [for a decent relationship, rather than just some sexual thing] and didn't want to be the bad guy. Then we started getting more comfortable again, but after this winter just gone, this other girl started openly flirting with him, and hard. I told him I was afraid he was going to ask her to be his gf, and he freaked out as if he didn't know I still liked him, then a week or more later he did some stuff with me one night. Then he got very angry and disappointed with himself, even though I felt fine at the time, and apologised for what he'd done [even though I'm pretty sure I was just as responsible as he was, and I said so too].

 

And the third person is: that other girl. He started seeing her around a fortnight after the night we did stuff. One of our mutual friends was chatting with me and the first guy and he told us that he was pretty disappointed in the second guy because he feels like, for the second guy, this thing with the third housemate is all about the sex. From what I can see, I'd have to agree, although I don't know if that's just some nasty wishful thinking on my part. I feel jealous every time he give her attention, but if it really is just sex to him than I wouldn't want to be in her position.

 

From her perspective, she is definitely in an exclusive relationship with this guy. She has left to visit her family for just over a week and will be back in a few days. Before she left, I caught her staring at me with a strange look. It felt like a menacing one. Really odd, but at the same time, not entirely surprising. Later, she sort of playfully told him that if he cheats on her, she will know. She made no reference to me but I feel like maybe it was partially directed at me, too. She knows that I was seeing him once, but she sounded so shocked when I mentioned it after he spoke to me about them seeing each other that he must not have told her, and she must not have twigged after watching my own behaviour. I didn't think she'd find it that shocking, seeing as I had told her I had spent some nights in his bed when she was asking me how I knew the guys, before she started coming on strong with him. Perhaps she decided to ignore it because she was that interested in him and I had already told her that I didn't have a boyfriend.

 

I don't intend to let any physical cheating happen, that would make me feel like crap, but a weak little part of me still wants to get closer to him. I miss having a lover. There is another guy friend, currently living with the first two guys I mentioned, who I've dreamt about sexually around 3 times since the guy I want started going out with the other girl. But I don't think I want the other guy friend for real. For one thing, he has a girlfriend and has had her for years. I don't think I could deal with breaking that up. For another thing, as much as I enjoy his company, I think feel better hanging out with him when it's also with the first guy. They've gotten quite close, so they'll be doing whatever and I get to just chill.

 

As for the guy I do feel fond of, I don't think it would be a nice move if I did get some emotional cheating going on with him, so I'm trying to ignore that desire and am staying away from the guys' house while his gf is away. I mean, I'm pretty sure they're not gonna last, which is going to make the 12 months living with them... fun... but that's no reason for me to be making myself instrumental in their relationship's downfall. In fact, all things considered, that is definitely what I don't want to do.

 

Sigh. Okay people of LS, how f*cked am I?

[Professor X]

Your title is faulty and shows how insecure and needy you are.

You don't need someone else, you need to learn how to be on your own, and I don't care what you're gonna say, but you don't know how to be on your own.

So the simplest answer for you is this:

Don't move with them & learn how to love and respect yourself.

 

Having said that, I will now proceed to your reality.

From the sound of things you don't look like a to have to much of a self esteem.

You seem to be one of those people who are being carried away with the rest and do what they tell you to do rather than do stuff on your own, and here's why:

 

we're in some weird kind of relationship, with absolutely no physical attraction, I don't want him to be my best friend, I don't want to be paired up with him, I will become a loser like him, And I hate it when he touches me, I have got to do something about that (as in, you still haven't)

 

So much you don't want yet so much you do.

I think you know how wrong it is, don't need to be smart to see it.

 

Regarding the rest of your post: as you've stated at the end "that is definitely what I don't want to do" - yet here you are, about to move for a whole year with them, just to what? be a 3rd wheel? Great.

 

Why you even agreed to that? only god knows. Cause this doesn't make sense.

But you have some serious issues you need to work on, or you might find yourself married to this guy you don't like while having an affair with this other guy who's also married.

[Lucky_One]

Yep. You need to make alternate living arrangements. You are going to be miserable watching roomie #2 with his GF (Because that's what they are.) You and this guy are FWB, and he has certainly had the chance to make you more than that in his life.

 

Good luck.

[LittleMaya]

I'm definitely not going to end up married to the guy I don't like. No way. For a start, I can't see him getting married to anyone as long as he remains the way he is right now. He moved down from where he lived to be with the gang because he didn't like being without us lot. It's almost like we're a family or team to him or something. I didn't mention that most of the other housemates in their current house are moving into a house with another guy close by in the same town we're moving to. Originally it was going to be eight of us in the same place, but we split it down into two fours to make house finding easier/better.

 

You're right, I do just go along with what they tell me, but only when I don't feel like it's the worst way to go. Which is probably wrong. I shouldn't be trying to make the worst not happen, I should have been trying to make the best happen. But I don't do everything they tell me. There is a guy who'll be in the other house who annoyed me more than the first guy when it comes to invasion of personal space [being weird and getting too close to my face or whatever, he's stopped doing it lately though] that I made sure I wouldn't be in the same house as him. And when I get a call from them saying this that or the other about what they'll be upto and do I want to join them, I always make a choice about whether I feel like I'll have more fun doing that than doing whatever I had planned for the day. Sometimes I feel like I can do that stuff later when I get back, so that's what I do.

 

I am needy and I am scared. I'm moving in with them because I didn't want to move back home to my family yet and my other friends would be all over the country. My sisters said move to the town, be independent, don't come home yet, and one of them will be starting studies near to there soon so she said go for the house [she also said go for the guy before the other girl gets in there. I'm starting to switch back to the "Yeah, I don't think that's a good idea" feeling now. I was getting there before he went to hospital and I've been hoping I could get back, because I don't like it when I want him, I guess because when I'm being rational I know it's not going to work], and some of my close friends from home will still be studying there/moving there so I figured I'd have someplace to go if I didn't want to be in the house.

 

For some reason I've noticed in the past few years that I become really reclusive when I'm at my place, and don't hang out with the people who are living with me. I think I did the same back home, but that's because I have a lot of younger siblings who were annoying at that age. Actually, they're still annoying at this age, arguing all the time. The time I do spend with other people always seems to be away from my place. I do like being by myself, but I don't like the thought of not having the option to get out and go hang out with other people when I want to. I've rarely considered anyone my best friend, except for my oldest little sister [the one who'll be studying soon], and I'm not really paired up with the first guy. Everyone else just sees it that way because two of them are on the same course together, the second annoying one is on the same course with the other guy that living with them, the one I'm essentially FWB to is doing this film stuff with the one he's seeing, and me and the first annoying guy won't be students anymore. Lately, the first two guys who are on the same course have not been hanging out as much as they used to except for coursework, one of them [the guy I dreamt about] has been hanging out with the first annoying guy more often, so maybe they'll be perceived as a pair now instead.

 

Yes. I definitely have a lot of issues. I tend to keep them bubbling and try to figure them out on my own. Obviously, it doesn't work out well that way. That's why I'm here. I'm sure my posts will start getting shorter and simpler the more time I spend here de-tangling my mess.

[Professor X]

Before I start, keep this in mind:

From what I can see, you don't have any deep emotional problems. Your problems occur due to bad decision making.

 

The fact you are planning on living with a couple for a whole year and the fact you like the guy in the RS, those alone are enough to determine that you do not seek to solve your problems, but to create new ones.

 

The rest of your post sound something like this:

Bla bla bla, I choose for myself, bla bla bla, I choose to live with a 2 guys, one I can't have, one I hate, bla bla bla, bla bla bla, solution suggested to you, bla bla bla, excuses, excuses.

The only saving grace is that you know you got some issues, so that's the first step. If you are not really willing to do the next step than I'm afraid you're not gonna fix them.

 

P.S. in your initial post you said it feels like you're in a RS with the guy, and now you say other see it as well?

Yeah, so don't come here say you choose the lesser of 2 evils. Especially when there's a 3rd options which is CHOOSE NO-ONE and be on your own.

You chose to let him be FWB with you, no-one else. You let him touch you, no-one else. And only you can stop him from doing it more.

 

Let me give it to you straight: The idea to go and live with a girl and her BF, whom you happen to like and with another guy you hate whom everyone, including yourself, see as if you're in some sort of a RS, is probably the worse idea in history of bad ideas.

 

But I honestly think that no matter what anyone here will say, you will still do what you're planning on doing, so I kinda fail to see the point in trying to help you when you don't wanna help yourself.

[LittleMaya]

I don't think they see us as being in an actual RS, they just paired us off together in the minds the way they paired themselves up together, I don't know why, maybe it's just easier cognitively for them when it came to the whole house sorting thing. It only started feeling like a weird relationship to me when I started hanging out there for the whole week. I sort of wanted to get a flavour of what it would be like living with them, except it didn't quite work because I was still being treated like a guest as if I shouldn't be left alone.

 

Although... when the girl left for home I was left alone more often because the annoying guy felt like he could go talk to the.. FWB guy, without interrupting anything. Maybe that's the reason he spent so much time around me. The guys said they don't mind the couple when they hang out with them separately, but they really don't like being around them when they're together. I'm not sure if it's a morals thing or what. Like I said, they think he's just in it for the sex. And they think he's a dick for it. Some of the other guys were chatting about how they reckon he's broken bro code, but I don't know if they've really spoken to him about what they think about it or if they've just let him get on with it or what.

 

You're right - I am going to go through with living with them. I kinda feel like it's too late to back out of it now. But the reason I'm on LS is to make sure that while I live there, I change my mind about how much I need them. I want people I can talk to who don't have any motives for me to be doing this or that, who's lives won't be affected by whichever way I go. People who'll talk to me objectively about stuff, because they're not involved in it.

 

Part of the reason I hope for the pair to break up [by themselves, not by me doing it] is so that I can know I don't want him just because he's with someone else. So that I can see what it would be like to live with him and see for myself once and for all that being with him IS or IS NOT what I want, without jealously getting in the way of my thinking. I feel like maybe if I'm forced to live with him for 12 months, then I won't have a chance to fantasise about how amazing it might be to be with him. If after a few months I realise that my affection for him is going to go away, then brilliant. I will need to keep myself in check over the rest of the time and make sure I keep working towards getting a place for myself, and don't slack and end up just moving into a place or staying in the same place with people I don't want to be with anymore just because I'm too lazy to get out.

 

If I feel like it's never going to go away, then I'll have to ask myself if I'm sure about that, look at him, and ask myself again.

 

I'm scared of being alone. Of being completely alone. Like if I don't have a solid group of people to talk to, no wait, like if I don't have a solid group that I can't get completely away from, that I will talk myself into a tangent, fall through the net of society, and become some crazy reclusive person who no one will talk to and who can talk to no one. That's why I'm afraid to just pick up and go somewhere new all by myself. And I don't want to do it until I've convinced myself that that won't happen.

[Professor X]

The situation you're in is like like swimming for the first time.

You will never know if you can swim until you have actually jumped into the water.

And just like in swimming, practicing in a safe place (with friends) will only take you so far.

You expect to learn how to be on your own in an environment which you can never truly be alone in?

Kinda contradicts, don't you think?

 

P.S. Why do you keep talking about being completely alone? That's not the case, being on your own does not equate being completely alone.

That only means that you will take care of yourself, 100% alone.

That also means that you will be able to live on your own and make your own decision based on what you want, and not on based on what your friends want because you are to scared to not be with them as you are now.

 

To be completely honest, no sane person would have done what you have done, so you might be closer to crazy than you think

[LittleMaya]

To be completely honest, no sane person would have done what you have done, so you might be closer to crazy than you think

 

You say that, but I'm pretty sure the only difference between this:

 

some crazy reclusive person who no one will talk to and who can talk to no one

 

and me right now, is the last part I've underlined.

 

It's probably just a totally irrational fear and I don't know where's it's come from, but I'm so afraid that I will do something that people will perceive as so wrong or bad or insane that I will get, like, banished or shunned for all eternity or something like that. I get so secretive about how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking. I even code my journal so people can't read what I've written without some serious effort put in. I don't trust people. I pretend I'm feeling or thinking or wanting one thing when really I want something else. Sometimes I even fool myself and then I get confused, and I feel like I can't turn to anyone because I'm hiding so much from everyone. It's so ****ing stupid, and then when I do ask for help it all comes out at once and doesn't make any sense. :'(

[Professor X]

Might be an over kill by me when I say that it seems you are afraid of yourself, of who you really are.

Or to be maybe you are afraid what others might think of the real you, which is why you keep yourself surrounded by, people who already somehow get along with you.

 

You sound young, or rather, immature, how old are you?

Why are you so certain people will not accept you for who you are?

People come in many different shapes and sizes, thoughts and desires, you'd be surprised.

Is a life of lies better than a life of honesty?

Regardless, I think it's unhealthy of you to bottle up so many emotions and desires.

I tell you what though, all things considered, you did right by seeking for a person who can't and will not judge you. Hopefully you can open up and show that person who you really are.

You might, after all, find out that you're not that different.

Or, at least, that you're not crazy.

[LittleMaya]

I'm 21, but I don't feel like it. Sometimes I feel like I'm 17 again, sometimes I feel like I'm 12, and sometimes I feel like I'm a 7 year old me who has been catapulted into my future self.

 

I don't know. Sometimes I get scared that someone would use what they know about me against me. Or maybe if I keep anyone from getting to me, deep down, then nothing bad they say about me can hurt me because I know they can't know the whole story and don't have all the facts. I get strange thoughts like that sometimes.

[Professor X]

Well it's a double edged sword.

It's a risk you take when you want to trust someone.

 

By not opening up to anyone you might keep yourself safe from others, but you also prevent yourself from ever connecting to someone else.

That will prevent you from finding true love, for successful RS are built on trust.

 

Though a question comes into mind: Have you ever been taken advantage of by someone you trusted?

[LittleMaya]

I am not going to get with the first, he is a loser.

Not that I'm ever going to tell the second guys gf that, they seem to enjoy bigging each other up, and as long as they do that, the others will continue to think he and her are better suited for each other than her and the second guy.

 

I forgot to mention that part, didn't I? They get on well. I think they feed off of how each other is. After I had heard the news of the second guy getting together with the girl, the first guy told me the others thought she was going to get together with him, not the second. He then said that he was glad that they were together though, as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. That said, they still act as if they enjoy each others company [and when I say act, I feel like there's more to that word than necessarily meets the eye in this situation], and so long as they do, I don't have to deal with his needy behaviour.

 

As for being taken advantage of by someone I trusted... Sure. I must have. I feel like I probably have. There was that time when that guy I had a crush on for a very long time when I was a young teen asked me to the cinema with him and someone else and told me to bring a friend, and then texted me when I was on my way there, not mentioning the cinema, and then after a while said he couldn't come. He said he couldn't get a lift... but he lives near the cinema. Luckily I had my friend coming to watch it with me. Later he was rude and told me off for bothering him on MSN when his brother had died in a car crash a year ago that day, and I got so upset. Then I found out he had lied to me, that it had definitely never happened. I was extremely angry at him for months and made sure he knew it until I felt like he was acting sufficiently sorry enough. Then I found out he'd been spinning the same story to a friend of mine. I was angry again, but not as angry as when he'd done it to me, and she stayed angry at him longer than I did. I guess I'd moved on because I'd already tortured him plenty enough for my satisfaction.

 

Then there was that time when I was interested in this guy, and then a friend of a friend was asking me about whether we had actually kissed, being all sweet about it, and then BAM. She had had a thing for him all along and hadn't told me. She got together with him and he'd asked her out. I had totally no idea there was anything going on between them because neither of them said, although I should have guessed - it was so obvious afterwards. Later she screwed him over by getting with this other guy, they broke up, and he went after me. That was a nice feeling time. First boyf, although it was totally based on attraction and I had no idea what I was doing being I'd never had a boyf before. Broke up with me a couple of months later because he wasn't feeling it, understandably.

[LittleMaya]

I've been not-hanging-out with the guys for a few days with the intention of staying away until second guy's gf comes back from her family. Although I did contact second guy the other day [the day before yesterday maybe?] on Facebook chat to tell him to google "wooden anklet" or something like that and send me a link to one he likes.

 

No, I'm not buying one secretly for him... He requested that I make him one. He said he used to have a really cool one, string that ties around with wooden beads on. I have no idea why he wants this from me, other than the fact he knows I can make one. I'm going to do it since I love making jewellery anyways, although I haven't really done any lately. I'm not sure if he's expecting me to want money for this, but I think if the cost of the materials comes in cheap [and it should], that I'll just give it to him for his birthday next month instead of giving him a yoghurt. I might also tell him this ones for free, and that if he wants anymore stuff made for props [in films or anything], then he'll have to pay me for my efforts I say efforts... It's not hard making stuff like this.

 

Analyse me. Haha.

 

I hope none of the people who hang out with me read loveshack. If any of them read this they'd know it's me posting for sure.

 

But yeah. Other than wandering around in the sunshine on my own, working on my uni project, and not hanging out with them, what am I supposed to be doing? What do I do when one of them invites me around? What do I do when second guys gf gets back? Stay away for another week? Hang out with them? What if they want to hang out here with me? Do I tell them to sod off and sit here on my own doing more project work? What if it's still sunny?! Tell them I don't want to hang out with them and would rather sit in the sun without them? That would sound so weird.

 

Edit: She comes back tomorrow.

Edited April 28, 2011 by LittleMaya

[LittleMaya]

I'm screwed! I'm so screwed! He's changed his FB status to say he's in a relationship! He's actually really GOING FOR HER! I didn't think they'd make it past 5 weeks but no, I was wrong! This is going to be HORRIBLE. I don't want to live with them anymore. I don't want to hang out with them anymore. Any of them. I want to disappear and get away from all of it and not give a **** anymore.

 

Today I got a message from first guy saying second guy wanted us to be extras in a film again. I said no because I have uni that day. ****ing good job it was on the one day of the week that I have to be somewhere, else I would have gone - I liked being an extra in this movie. I did get angry that first guy was the one to ask me though, as if second guy doesn't have my number. Gayface.

 

So what do I do? Stop hanging out with them point blank and tell them I can't do this anymore?

 

Oh, why the **** am I such an idiot!?!

[LittleMaya]

I'm not going to get with the first guy! Stop telling me to do that, it's not going to happen dude!

[Memphis Raines]

Sigh. Okay people of LS, how f*cked am I?

 

pretty f*cked.

 

maybe you need to stay away from committed relationships, or getting close to anyone until you are mature enough to handle it and not play guys for fools.

 

because if any of the guys find out, if they have any self-respect, they'd run like the wind.

[LittleMaya]

Memphis Raines, I totally agree.

[LittleMaya]

We'll see. I'll keep you posted. I'm probably going to end up venting in this thread every

time something new happens. Perhaps it should be moved to the rants section. But unless the first guy genuinely gets his act together, I don't think he's even going to stay on my friends list for long, let alone become lovers with me... ew. And I honestly don't think that's going to happen any time soon. And even if he did get his act together, I'm so not into the whole ohh look at me I'm an artist, I like to pretend to shoot myself in the head with my hand and I'm really good at guitar kind of man. I can play guitar. I'm not that kind of moth, musicians aren't my flame.

[Professor X]

We'll see. I'll keep you posted. I'm probably going to end up venting in this thread every

time something new happens. Perhaps it should be moved to the rants section. But unless the first guy genuinely gets his act together, I don't think he's even going to stay on my friends list for long, let alone become lovers with me... ew. And I honestly don't think that's going to happen any time soon. And even if he did get his act together, I'm so not into the whole ohh look at me I'm an artist, I like to pretend to shoot myself in the head with my hand and I'm really good at guitar kind of man. I can play guitar. I'm not that kind of moth, musicians aren't my flame.

 

Like YOU said, you're gonna go through with it. So what are you waiting for? nothing has changed, don't act as if something did.

And you are probably gonna end up with guy1 since you ain't really being proactive about stopping it.

 

GL.

[LittleMaya]

Although. I am curious what makes you so sure of it happening. What have I said to make you think that?

[Professor X]

Although. I am curious what makes you so sure of it happening. What have I said to make you think that?

 

Said? nothing. On the other hand, actions speak louder than words.

And all your actions direct you onto 1 path.

[LittleMaya]

But something did change - my perception of things! Surely it's not impossible to change myself so that I'm not such a fearful wishy washy go with the flow-er in the next two months before I do move in? Seriously, please tell me it's possible. Even if it's verging on the unlikely, if it's possible, that's what I want to know!

 

I really don't understand why you guys think I'm going to end up fully with guy 1. I've already started pulling away and not hanging out with them. I'm pretty sure it's already reached that point where I've seen that I definitely don't want him to feel like I'm his best friend, let alone a more than friend, so I find it really weird that you guys think I'm gonna keep letting that situation slide. I mean, when it a guy I'm interested in, yeah, things can drag on for years, but people I'm not interested in? Ever since the day I got away from that "friend" in primary school [a nasty controlling girl who was bigger than me], I pretty much vowed never to be "besties" with anyone like that ever again.

[LittleMaya]

What, even the one where I'm pulling away now?

Even the one where I'm looking to see what other friends are upto, ones I haven't been hanging out with because I've been too busy trying to stay close to the second guy? The second guy who I should be having NC with now? The second guy who I'm going to try and, if I manage to not sabotage myself, maintain NC with for the next two months excluding matters to do with the house?

 

...Is this like, some kind of reverse psychology where I'm supposed to try to prove to you guys, and myself, that I can do this?

[Professor X]

Your perception hasn't really changed. You still know the same things and you still are going to do the same stuff.

Even if you distance yourself in the upcoming 2 months it will all end the same; You are still going to the same facked-up situation, where you'll be around those people all the time. So I can't really see the point in you trying to distance yourself from people whom you're gonna live with for a year.

[LittleMaya]

Will I though? What if I told you that in my first year of uni, I fell for a guy, got everything sorted so that we'd live in the same flat halls together the next year, and then it all fell apart because he went back to his ex? ..who didn't take him back. I spent the next year living in the bedroom next door to his. For about a month I was gutted about it, but then I fell for the second guy. I spent next to all of my time away from my flat, and after a while, it wasn't to avoid the first guy I fell for, it was because I was having fun with the new group of people. Surely if I distance myself from them I'll have a better chance of getting over it, and then it won't matter that I'm living with a guy I [hopefully] used to like [instead of still like]? ..again.