mrsme Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 I am seriously considering seperating from my husband of 10 years and just wanted some advice as I have no friends I can run this by without being judged badly. My husband and I have been married for 10 years, problems for the past 4 years really. We have two children aged 7 & 5. My husband has had issues with unhappiness, grumpiness for the last 4 years on and off, at times in the last year getting close to emotionally abusing our 7 year old because he was too grumpy too deal with behaviour of kids. Last year I sat him down and seriously told him his behaviour was bordering on abusive and he had to stop or we were leaving. On the whole he's been able to manage that around the kids. When the grumpiness started we became emotionally unattached, we lived together, but we were more like friends (at times enemies) than husband/wife. I am in the house with someone and yet at times can feel all alone. We are seriously growing apart, we have no common interests apart from the children and he's admitted that he doesn't really want to do anything with me at all (outside the house). My passion is travel and he's said that for the rest of my life I'll be doing that alone as he's not into it. I'm not into his stuff either and funny enough, can't even be bothered now to make an effort to try and get stuff to do together. Last year I begged him to do stuff with me, anything, to build a relationship that wasn't entirely around the kids, but he just couldn't be bothered either and nothing was done, and a year has passed and I'm feeling more horrible than this time last year. The last 2 years have been financially stressful on us both, he quit his job and I then I lost mine and things are just starting to look brighter for me in this regards now. Husband admitted he really doesn't want to work any more and I'm not sure whether he'll seriously look for a job after finishing some studies or will just choose to be taken care of and never really contribute to helping us get on our feet financially. Our sex life is absolute crap. I started experiencing severe pain with intercourse about 2 years into the marriage. Had lots of tests but no one could ever find out why. I started to distance myself from sex primarily to avoid the pain, I also distanced myself from blow jobs for him as I realised I thought it was a bit disgusting. I dislike intercourse so much that I star fish! I know it's bad, but it's the only way I can stop the pain a little bit. Anyway, last year husband started getting really pushy with sex, keeping me awake if I wouldn't have intercourse with him (even though I was tired from working casually to support us, and doing everything around the house), he'd even wake me up early in the morning to have sex and that upset me greatly too. I wasn't coping with little sleep (I now have a reason why) and he didn't seem to care. On top of that the pain with sex was now excrutiating, but husband didn't seem to care, would force me into it if I wanted sleep or guilt me into it by saying he would get cock cramps if I didn't let him finish, is this true? How would I know, I presume not! Sex is now worse, lets just say he's no Cassonova, he's boring in bed (I use to be a bit adventurous with an ex) and all he wants is boring bed sex. He's pretty bad at it too, always came too quickly (which is now a god send because of the pain) but on the few occassions the pain hasn't killed me he hasn't rocked my world anyway. And now he turns me off, he tries to kiss me (which I won't allow now) and kissed my body and stuff, and aw, he just makes me feel sick. This is quite new, about 6 months. Now I've finally had a diagnose for the pain which is caused by an autoimmune disease which has left many of my organs and muscles severely inflamed and painful. I'm on medication but there is no promise that Ill ever experience pain free intercouse again. Also the disease causes extreme tiredness so I really need my sleep which he knows about but he often doesn't care and continues to keep me up until I give into painful, gross sex! I usually end up hating him after sex, it's just so bad. I want my own room, actually I want my own house where I don't need to worry about all this. Ok, so I'm not a saint, and please don't think I am. I love back scratches and I love when he (actually I'd probably love when anyone) gives me a back scratch and I like him to give me one before I go to bed. The problem is because I like these he gets all turned on from touching me and that starts the sex problem. I know I should tell him not to touch me, but I seriously find that hard, kind of why I'd like my own bedroom. He says I'm kind of baiting him into sex which maybe I am, I don't know. I am selfish, I do not give a back scratch back and honestly I don't really care (bad sign for marriage huh?) He also objectifies which I hate. Constantly trying to touch my breasts all day no matter what is going on, and constantly telling me to give him a blow job. I'm just sick of it and really feel like I need a break. I feel a lot of guilt at the moment, guilt for not being the wife I'm supposed to be and giving him sex when he demands it, guilt because I no longer have a desire to save marriage, I just want out or a break in the least to rethink if I want to do the whole marriage counselling bit, guilt because I'm thinking of breaking the marriage and putting my kids through that (even though 9/10 he's a great dad and the kids love him), guilt, guilt, guilt. We're still not really financial enough to split and as he has no job I feel more guilt that I'll dump him when he has no way to support himself even though he could get a job if he tried. Also we live in a small country town and I now have work and if I left him he would probably have to go to they city to work which is 7 hours away, and I really feel bad for doing that to him and the kids. My other thought is that if he goes for 50/50 custody which I know he's entitled too, I just don't know if I can cope without the kids for that long and would love to hear from others who are going through that kind of thing? I also feel that I basically stay with him as he's a convenient babysitter (another guilt moment). He does let me do what I want to do and I can go to the gym or whatever I like and he'll take care of kids,obviously he feels like this entitles him to sex which I usually don't give but I feel likes I'm doing a really bad thing staying with him because he's a babysitter. I feel it would be much better for us to go our own ways, kinder on him as well I think. But I don't think he'll be happy about a seperation, even with everything going badly I figure he'd rather stay in it than go through (or put kids through a seperation), he's parents divorced and he doesn't want that!! It would be greatly appreciated if you could give me some advice. I just don't know where to turn too where I can be so honest about all the problems we have, especially the sex bit, my friends really don't want to hear it. Thanks.
hydin Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 Interesting that you blame him for wanting sex. I understand you are in pain for intercourse but you are CHOOSING to deny him many other types of relief. How do you think he sees your actions? Are they that of love and compassion for his situation of trying to be faithful to a wife who refuses to attempt creative ideas to satisfy him? Might want to reread your thread as he would see it... may give you some insight. If he is trying to touch you and have sex with you he wants you ... not just sex. He could easily get that somewhere else without the drama. He is a guy, like it or not Sex is the way they feel close to a spouse.. If you argue with reality, you lose 100% of the time.
SoleMate Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 Just one thought....I believe that you're saying that anal intercourse ("starfish") is substantially more comfortable than vaginal intercourse????? If so, then there is clearly a serious medical problem and you and your H both deserve for you to be seen ASAP by a competent practitioner who can diagnose your pain and cure it. Here's what's riding on it: your marriage, your happiness, your health and your life. Please see a doctor ASAP and don't give up until you have some answers and a treatment plan and some results. PLEASE!!!!!!
Author mrsme Posted April 27, 2011 Author Posted April 27, 2011 Hydin, thanks for reply. I do feel guilt that I am not the least bit interested in satisfying him, yes, it's cruel and nasty but this is the honest place I'm at. Let's not forget although he wants to be with me "in bed" he has, and has stated he has no desire to be with or do anything else with other than the "in bed" bit. You guys may think with your member and think that's the only way to be with someone but many women don't feel that way. Soulmate: Where in the world do you come from? Seriously, not from where I'm from, starfish here means you lie still like a starfish, and no I'm not into anal at all, so sorry about the miscommunication there. And am and have seen many doctors and specialists and I've got a life time disease that probably won't get much better and will probably get worse. It would be great to take a magic pill to get rid of disease and associated complications and make everything all better, but it's just not going to happen. People who haven't experience autoimmune diseases before just can't comprehend (my body is in effect eating itself up). And I have two of the buggers just to make things a little more interesting. As this is my life now and more than likely I won't be able to change the pain (it is not sexual dysfunction, it's something all together different) I think that perhaps we should accept that sexually we just aren't going to gel. And for the record, as long as I'm continually pushed into it I don't really want it anyway.
heartshaped Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 Have you tried talking honestly and openly with your husband about any of this? I don't get the sense you have. In fact, it just seems that you are willing to throw in the towel quite easily actually. The reality of the situation is you've been married to this man for ten years, you have two young children, aren't financially stable separately, and have an autoimmune disease. <- The reasons why you shouldn't divorce your husband. You also seem to be growing apart and aren't enjoying physical contact. <- The reasons to divorce your husband. I would seriously recommend counseling before making any rash decisions.
hydin Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 When you argue with reality you lose 100% of the time... I do not see him thinking with his member and that certainly is not what I said. If he was he would be doing someone else who made him feel like a man and would give up on you. He is trying to get close to you... read on this. Woman need love to have sex. Men need sex to express love. HE wants to continue to love YOU. If it was not that way and you really look at it objectively he would be finding other options. Sometimes it is good to look at your self from what the other person sees. This means imagine what someone would see if they were looking at you, not looking out from your eyes. I am having to do this at this very instant. Check out Al Turtle's site. He has a ton of free stuff on line about how people react in relationships and with needs. Also check out books by Dr. kevin leman (love between the sheets) or the book love and respect by Eggerich. They examine both sides. I learned a ton about what woman think in these two books. Ask yourself if what you are doing now is working. If not try something else. Or give up and be totally alone but seeing him at least twice a week for kids swap and forever at birthdays, weddings family events as your ex. He is not going away if you pick divorce.
PegNosePete Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 What... the... If he is forcing you to have sex when you don't want to then that is RAPE. It does not matter that he is your husband. Forcing yourself onto someone sexually is RAPE no matter what the circumstances. It sounds like your marriage is totally irretrievable. You need to see an attorney and get a divorce.
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