What about "first time" cheaters. Do any get an exception for second chances?

[Tasha49]

I am curious. They say "Once a cheater always a cheater." Is there no exceptions? What if you walk away because you never gave them their second chance? -this discludes those with third or fourth chances-

 

I have already posted my situation. And people have beautifully answered my question of whether I should give him a second chance. We technically are not committed because he is scared of something. Who knows, maybe he just wants to have his cake and eat it too; maybe have both world. Maybe not? No one knows. Nothing is ever certain until proven, either.

 

I FEEL like I would be a fool to give him another chance after he slept with a co-worker of ours. Because after that he told me it made him realize he loves me and wants to be with him but give him a week or two to truly think about it. What if he is different when he actually wants a real committed relationship? I stupidly feel like I should give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

Or am I an idiot?

[FlyAway&ComeBack]

I have cheated once on my ex-fiance. We didn't break up when I cheated though.. We stayed together about 10 more months & stayed engaged as well. I didn't even THINK about doing it again. The "young & stupid" thing does work especially if your love is mature.. Or you view it as mature. He doesn't trust me nearly as much ( as I expected), but we're working on getting back together.. just got to get over somethings. If you feel like he is worth it.. Then why just walk away.. People do make mistakes, we are HUMAN after all..

 

Hope it helps on your decision!

[todd]

I would be VERY cautious to let someone who cheated on me back in my life. Actions speak louder then words. I would have to see a real committment on their part to re-establish trust and honesty before I even consider let them back in my life as a friend or a lover to begin. It would not be as simple as I slept with someone else and know I love you now.. No thank you. I am not buying what he is selling the least bit right now.

[dreamingoftigers]

The difference between young and immature cheating and your guy's situation is that he not only has sexual issues but he has very distinct honesty issues and that will not work in your favor period.

 

There are two areas if the brain at play here: you reasoning centers and your emotional and impulsive centers. Your emotion/impulse center (limbic system for those paying attention) get set into a certain template with your opposite-gender parent. Sweetheart, I can only guess how yours. This isn't a dig but this guy is so unhealthy that he would be like an intimate cancer. I know that you like him and want stand by him and I am sure that he can be very soothing to you, but he has a brokeness that you cannot fix or love away. Period.

 

If the reasoning center of your brain was in charge here you would step outside the situation and say to yourself: " I know that I like this guy but he has not behaved in a respectful way towards me as a pattern and that will most likely continue. It would be healthy for me not to pursue this and try to find a healthy committed partner."

 

The impulsive center being in charge tries to find a way for the reasoning center to find a way for it too work I.e.: "if we fall in love that will give him motivation to change." "if I make myself extra-pretty he will like me more then those other girls and he won't notice them so much." "I know he is struggling, but he is just scared and if I show him that I will stand by him through thick and thin he will love me even more, no matter what the consequences to myself. I can take it until he figures it out."

 

Do you see the difference? The reasoning center protects you from long-term risk of hurt and shame by telling you not to do the drugs, steal the car, date the cheating guy.

 

The impulse center protects you from short-term pain by telling you that if you don't do any of the above you might be missing something thrilling.

 

You are not seeing the reason behind it and society loves to romanticize it all with the "follow your heart" and "love conquers all." truth be told by going for this guy you are avoiding some other type of pain (and with going for messed-up guys that pain is almost always Daddy issues).

 

It may be highly presumptuous, but I don't often misfire in cases like these. My guess: you Dad isn't the greatest and you feel the need to prove something to him, in fact he might not be around at all.

 

You are worth more then the pain you ate trying to avoid by getting with this guy. There is no way that he is worth all of that. No way at all.

 

Girl, read my threads if you want to look into the crystal ball. Guys with intimacy templates are not guys that are capable of responding on that emotional level to you. You cannot rewire him. The work he would need to do in order to be rewired takes about 2 years (depending on how ingrained it is). It also takes boatloads if money. He doesn't even know he has an issue or he doesn't know why he is the way he is.

 

The most loving, caring thing that you can do for this guy is actually not give him a chance at all. The more women don't play his game the better the chance if him discovering his issue and correcting it so that one day he can lead a happy intimate life. The more girls support this behaviour and excuse it, the more he gets to have a life without a real connection to someone.

 

Two broken people can't fix each other. I tried to fix my h for a long time until I realized that his issues were always going to be larger then my influence. Hr needs to seek outside help himself. Nothing you can do, say, offer or reason with him will change the issues that he has. And no, despite his golden efforts he has demonstrated that he clearly lacks self control and is too ashamed to admit it.

 

He isn't even at the admitting part yet! Let him go...

 

My reading assignment for you is: the New Codependency by Melody Beattie. Only you can figure out if excusing other's behaviour is an issue fit you with deeper roots or if it is just a one-off because you held deep feelings for him.

 

Don't ever think that I look down on you for wanting to be with this guy. Or that I think any negative judgments about you. I don't at all. I just know that people with attachment issues (even though they may truly like and even live you) let themselves and their behaviors go easily because they can't deal with their own selves. Right now you have the chance to invest in building a far better life for yourself and by giving it to him you are actually wasting it. It us like giving lotto winnings to a compulsive gambler. They just end up at bigger tables squandering more.

 

Find someone who can properly manage the relationship investment that you are willing to put into them.

[Tasha49]

This really sucks. Of the people who know my situation 98% tell me he is a total ass for sleeping with that girl KNOWING how much I disliked her due to odd feelings in the pit of my stomach. DreamingofTigers your advice is 100% accurate and advice I KNOW I should be taking and following. It makes perfect sense. He is bad for me. He means well I know he does, but he just makes idiotic choices. He knew what he was doing that night while drunk. He even came over to me and promised me they weren't going to do anything while he gave her a ride home. Instantly my intuition knew otherwise. I got a sudden feeling of panic inside me. I knew he was breaking a promise the second he was also making one. What a pain I had felt.

 

Being drunk is no excuse. I get turned on when I am drunk yes. But I have NEVER acted on it with any person other than the one I was with. That is why I do not understand how people can even use alcohol as an excuse. Even though he did not blame it on the alcohol, but rather his own idiotic choice at the moment. My point is, why on earth would he go sleep with the ONE girl I did not like? Which he knew of. I told him I felt uncomfortable with her. So if he really loved me, why would he choose to hurt me? I was in the same room he was in, flirting away with her. Makes me so angry

 

That being said... I have NO idea why I can't stop feeling like I want to give it one last shot. I know after he screwed up in an actual relationship I'd be GONE. i know it. I am not just hoping, I honestly can say I would be so done.

 

I don't understand why I am such an idiot. Or how I can love someone so much, who also deserves so less. I have zero issues with my dad. In fact we are close. So that is not the issue. I have been cheated on twice... instantly moved on without thinking twice with either guy. But this one... this one is different. He didn't technically cheat, we never said we would not sleep with anyone else. It was open I guess you could say. But it felt just as painful when he slept with her. And she works with me! How dare him?

 

I know he deserves no other chance. That I may be foolish to try. I really would LOVE to have the girlballs to leave his ass. But for some damn reason I can't And it is goig to eat me alive in the end. Even worse. But of all 4 or 5 times I have told him I'm done... I have come running back. Because I want to believe something good will come out of this.

 

I'm stuck

[Tasha49]

I also know I can do WAY better. My friends even tell me the same. The more I think about it the more I start to realize how much more effort I put into this. That's even with holding back some due to it not being an official relationship. So I am restricted to showing certain emotions or saying certain things. He hasn't told me he loves me ever since the first and only time he said it which was after I told him I'm done for good because of what he just did. It bothers me.

 

I should not even wait out the next week and a half for him to decide if he wants to be with me officially or not I know. He doesn't even deserve for me to be there for him after what he did. Yet here I am waiting on him like I always have. I do not understand why I can't just walk away and stay away. Effing men! Grr.

[dreamingoftigers]

Good thing that you have walked before.

 

Let me tell you two things:

 

1. That feeling in your stomach is one I post to wives whom I may suspect their husbands have porn addiction. There is something about us girls that is programmed to feel a threat to intimacy long before we can prove one. If you hook up with this guy, get used to that sick to the stomach feeling. If you marry him expect not to sleep at night because of it.

 

2. Something about the being on the fence and the intensity if the potential R has you latched.

 

The brain can get pretty hooked on intense situations even if they are negative intense. The brain can also get hooked on random rewards, like gambling etc.

 

Literally you KNOW that this guy isn't a super-hero and you can't trust him as far as you can throw the hotel you work in, but the reaction that your impulse center has for him is kinda addictive. I gave seen it often on the OW board. Your feelings are kind of matching that right? Hoping for that random affection/intimacy reward, similar to that of dating an MM who's affections are primarily elsewhere.

 

Now that you know he has you latched (maybe even some primitive mate-competition instinct) you need to teach your brain to unlatch. Just the same as you would any other thing that latches you unhealthily.

 

1. Do one thing for yourself every single day that gives you joy (that isn't compulsive! No drugs! No buying six pairs of designer jeans!). In this way you teach your brain to attach good feelings with other things so at the very least he doesn't monopolize those chemical reactions.

 

2. Meditate 15 mins per day, it just helps to clear your mind.

 

3. Figure out what the Hell else you might be avoiding. Usually when we latch onto something unhealthy for us we are trying to avoid other bad feelings, maybe some low self-worth etc.

 

4. Limit contact with him as much as possible. Not too many therapists recommend that sexual addicts go to work in porn shops if you catch my drift.

 

5. Maybe even try seeing what the drawing factor is with him too.

 

6. And for God's sakes the deadline's up! You aren't even dating him and he already failed the audition.

 

7. The big one: you get a craving for him, to talk to him, text him, see him whatever. Set a timer right away for 22 minutes. Tough it out. 22 minutes. Focus on something else, try reading (maybe a book on letting go of unhealthy attachments!). Sometimes you might be a little raw feeling after the 22 minutes... Then about ten minutes later the hurt feelings or anger or whatever is under there that you are avoiding will come out. Listen to it, work with it. You probably won't feel like contacting him after that. And if you do contact him he will probably make you feel like crap anyways and your brain will start to register that.

 

Just trust me about the 22 minute thing. Tough it out each time.

 

Seek health!

[Tasha49]

You are so helpful, thank you very much.

 

I am going to try my best to see how tough I am inside. I do have self-worth. Everyone always stares at me and everyone tells me how beautiful I am. It boosts my self-worth in my own eyes at the very least.

 

I think I just have fear. The fear of not knowing what my future holds is scary. I love my intimate moments with him (not sexual, the affection in general). I think I am scared that I won't find someone who makes me feel so smitten. He kisses so sweetly. It is as if our lips were built for the other. I am afraid I won't be able to find someone who I laugh so much with. And smile. We go so well together it terrifies me thinking of anyone else to share such moments with.

 

Maybe that is it. I am scared.

[Tasha49]

Not that it helps any but I don't think I mentioned our ages. I am 21 and he is 23 now.

 

I am still young. I know there are so many more experiences out there. I just can't convince my heart of that.

[FlyAway&ComeBack]

 

1. That feeling in your stomach is one I post to wives whom I may suspect their husbands have porn addiction. There is something about us girls that is programmed to feel a threat to intimacy long before we can prove one. If you hook up with this guy, get used to that sick to the stomach feeling. If you marry him expect not to sleep at night because of it.

 

Could us women who get this just be paranoid if things in the relationship are bad at the moment? When nothing is really happening..? Just wondering!

[dreamingoftigers]

Could us women who get this just be paranoid if things in the relationship are bad at the moment? When nothing is really happening..? Just wondering!

 

I think that there is quite the difference between a little insecurity and a very large threat to intimacy. Trust me, you will not be able to ignore it.

[DollyGirl12]

I couldn't. I actually, in all my years, never been put in a situation with regard to cheating, that I know of, until my last ex. I found him emailing personals at Craigslist and also looking up escort services. Dreamoftigers is completely right when she talks about that feeling in your gut. Just something I could not live with. What I found afterward confirmed my feelings even more. He had a long history of playing on Craigslist, raunchy porn (I'm not talking about sensual porn, I'm talking about disgusting gang bang and a whole odd variety). Found that he had done some things behind his previous xgf's back. Had a couple that he met with regularly for threesomes, had pictures of a college girl (around 20) giving him a BJ (he was about 31 at the time). All the pictures were crammed between the loving emails to his exgf.

Very BAD history in my eyes, especially when doing these things while telling me he wanted to be with me forever and how much he loved me.

The issues he has will NOT change without very INTENSE therapy. But most in these situations will not seek out the therapy they need.

[Rose T]

Not that it helps any but I don't think I mentioned our ages. I am 21 and he is 23 now.

 

I am still young. I know there are so many more experiences out there. I just can't convince my heart of that.

 

Tasha, I was in your shoes a few months ago, scared to break up with my cheating ex. I have to say that I really thought I couldn't do better, deep down. But I've just met someone new and have yet again been blown away with this fact: there is always someone better.

 

Make it your mantra. Believe it, because it's true. You will always meet someone better. Move on, and start moving towards happniess.