BS - How Did You Handle The OW?

[SidLyon]

I'm just wondering, if you are a BS, how did you handle finding out and then confronting the OW? Or did you not confront her at all? If you did confront her, do you blame her only and not blame your H? Or do you find they are both equally at fault? Do you want revenge on the OW?

 

After I found out, I phoned her a few days later and just said my name and that I was Lyon's wife. She kept saying "Lyon who", "which Lyon" and "I Know lots of Lyons, which one do you mean". She then tried the "I don't understand why you are calling" line until I told her I knew everything at which point she gave up the pretense. That conversation was brief and polite.

 

About 6 months later I had the courage to face her and turned up at her work unannounced. She was clearly shocked and shaking. We spent about an hour and a half together (at her suggestion). She blubbered a lot of the time but I already guessed she was feeding me a pack of lies.

 

About 18 months after that I found out for sure that she had been having a affair with another MM at the same time and that their d-day was a couple of weeks before ours and that he had already left his wife and 4 kids for her before the day I went to see her.

 

Since then we've had one or two e-mails exchanges where she was quite nasty. The last was nearly 2 years ago now.

 

I have only seen her in person on that one occasion.

 

Of course I blame my H but I also blame her for other things. I think she's a lying, skanky, slut; seeing as you asked. Her own H died while she was involved with my H and the other guy, and she milked the "grieving widow act" with both guys. I know this because I've become friendly with the other BW and we have compared notes. She obviously gets a lot of validation from having men fall about around her and feeling better than the poor wives.

 

I feel sad for her 2 sons and her husband's parents.

 

As for wanting revenge. Yes I do want revenge but nowhere near as much as I used to. Oh yes - I did tell her new man about the A with my H at the same time as she was involved with him, while her H was still alive.

 

I am almost certain she will get her come-uppance without any further input from me though.

[pureinheart]

I blame them both equally and both for hurting me in ways that no other person but they could hurt me in. You see, the OW was my little sister.

 

I have never confronted her about it. She knows I know. She knows I wanted at one time to talk with her about it. She either on purpose or because she is the person she is contrived to create the situation where when I've been home to be able to confront her (she won't answer my phone calls, even to this day, even when I'm calling about something totally different) that we are never alone.

 

I'm chalking it up as she is a coward. In the end, I have forgiven her. I've forgiven him. And I won't tell. But I don't let it get to me anymore. I find the hiding from my phone calls to be amusing now where it just hurt before. I think she is sick and needs help. But until then....I will love her, and will not trust her not to hurt me or my family again. She is still a child in my view, a child hides and doesn't accept their part. I tried to accept mine (and yes I had a part but no where near as big as their) he has tried to accept his (its an ongoing issue and he knows it and is working on it...but she....is hiding like a toddler "can't see me, it will go away".

 

But oh yeah I would have confronted her. And I was going to be nice and polite and not scream and yell no matter how much I wanted LOL.

 

CCL

 

Maybe I missed it in other posts, although I never knew what part of the sibling line your sis fell in. This makes a lot of sense...the "baby" of the family. She is just being a brat IMO.

 

Bold...really CCL? As I say many times every situation is different, and I find it very hard to believe that you did anything wrong concerning this. You did everything you could after D-Day to make things right with her...EVEN after everything.

 

In your case, I see this as way more than an A. It's kind of like my friends that used to hit on my bf's and H's...I kind of wondered what the deal REALLY was...would they have really wanted them if I weren't in the picture.

 

I am glad to see you post again...missed you!

[Gagirl]

I never confronted the OW. I had never been in the same room with her or spoken to her until much later when we attended a work event she was at. I didn't speak to her, my H didn't speak to her, but she seemed to have a problem with us being there.

 

How in the world could you not confront the other woman? I want answers so bad I can't stand it but, he hid all the records from me so i never really found who she was. He husband contacted me and told me a lot of things that my husband lied to me about. I am still reeling from that. He didn't really tell me who he was either.

[pureinheart]

I don't understand how her having an affair with my husband wasn't meant to hurt me. If you're my friend, you know my husband is off limits, period. Yes, 50% of the affair is my husband's fault, and I make it clear in all of my posts that he has owned up to that. My "friend" never owned up to her 50% of the affair, which included her telling him about her long standing feelings for him and her regretting the initial rejection of his interest in her (before I came into the picture).

 

So unless you can really give me a good reason that she wasn't trying to hurt me by pretty much cyber f*cking my husband, we're just gonna have to agree to disagree on that one.

 

Number one, she wasn't really your friend.

 

Number two, she had the hots for him long before.

 

I had been through this quite a few times...none of them were my friends even if the pretended to be. I never took it personal as it had little, if anything to do with me, and more to do with what was inside of them.

Edited May 7, 2011 by pureinheart

[pureinheart]

I'm just wondering, if you are a BS, how did you handle finding out and then confronting the OW? Or did you not confront her at all? If you did confront her, do you blame her only and not blame your H? Or do you find they are both equally at fault? Do you want revenge on the OW?

 

I never confronted the OW's in my exH's lives because they were not apart of the M. I got my ducks in a row, finances and whatever else in order and basically in my mind, at the point of finding out, I was not M'ed anymore. I figured if they were seeing someone else, even a one night stand, that they did not want to be M'ed anymore, so I made it real.

 

Looking back now, we were all at fault. I never wanted revenge.

 

Everything we do in life is communication of some form, whether it be possitive or negative.

 

Back then I took very little personal, and if I felt someone screwed me over, I just moved on and forgot that they existed.

[Lorelei_Lane]

Number one, she wasn't really your friend.

 

Number two, she had the hots for him long before.

 

I had been through this quite a few times...none of them were my friends even if the pretended to be. I never took it personal as it had little, if anything to do with me, and more to do with what was inside of them.

 

Honestly, you're right, she wasn't my friend. But I didn't know at the time she had the hots for him like she did. Which is probably why she got so pissed off and tried to hurt me after he chose to come back to me and try to work things out. You're right about that part.

 

I know without a doubt this girl is f*cked in the head, there is no fixing her either. I had someone tell me I should pity her instead of be angry at her, which at the time was not what I needed to hear as it had not even been six months yet. But, I do pity the poor girl. I pity that she will probably never be able to settle down and marry someone, and if she does, I don't know that it will be the happiest of marriages.

 

One time when she and I really got into it, I emailed her a very nasty, but truthful message about how her beauty is going to run out on her, and she will end up old and alone or if she does marry, I wouldn't be surprised if her husband cheated on her or she cheated on him.

 

Knowing that she's screwed up in the head and that she was never really a true friend doesn't change the fact I hate her more and more every day. It doesn't stop me from blaming her for her part of the affair, for lying to my face and being just in general a horrible person. I'm still allowed to feel that way about her. It doesn't get in the way of my marriage, it doesn't get in the way of my life. I just have this dislike for her that sits in the back of my mind and minds it's own business.

 

Knowing what I know now doesn't change the fact that I DID trust her and I WAS betrayed by her. Just because she's a crazy psycho doesn't mean I don't miss what I THOUGHT I had with her, either.

 

Life blows. People blow. At least, some of the people I've dealt with in my life.

[pureinheart]

Honestly, you're right, she wasn't my friend. But I didn't know at the time she had the hots for him like she did. Which is probably why she got so pissed off and tried to hurt me after he chose to come back to me and try to work things out. You're right about that part.

 

I know without a doubt this girl is f*cked in the head, there is no fixing her either. I had someone tell me I should pity her instead of be angry at her, which at the time was not what I needed to hear as it had not even been six months yet. But, I do pity the poor girl. I pity that she will probably never be able to settle down and marry someone, and if she does, I don't know that it will be the happiest of marriages.

 

One time when she and I really got into it, I emailed her a very nasty, but truthful message about how her beauty is going to run out on her, and she will end up old and alone or if she does marry, I wouldn't be surprised if her husband cheated on her or she cheated on him.

 

Knowing that she's screwed up in the head and that she was never really a true friend doesn't change the fact I hate her more and more every day. It doesn't stop me from blaming her for her part of the affair, for lying to my face and being just in general a horrible person. I'm still allowed to feel that way about her. It doesn't get in the way of my marriage, it doesn't get in the way of my life. I just have this dislike for her that sits in the back of my mind and minds it's own business.

 

Knowing what I know now doesn't change the fact that I DID trust her and I WAS betrayed by her. Just because she's a crazy psycho doesn't mean I don't miss what I THOUGHT I had with her, either.

 

Life blows. People blow. At least, some of the people I've dealt with in my life.

 

Certainly you can feel anything you want about anyone, my only suggestion would be to heal as soon as it is reasonably possible for YOU and no one else.

 

If you were true to you, and this is just how I feel and my opinion, then you did the right thing, you were a friend, so it is her bad and on her and there is no reason to hate, be angry, nothing...because your heart was right.

 

My teenage and young adult years were quite turbulent, met with many challenges of traumas. If I was to get through another day it was vital to forgive and forget immediately, and move on as there was no time to carry anything...my kids and career would have suffered...anyway, this is why I say these things to you (and anyone who will listen). So many people I know (and I'm not insinuating that you are doing this) have carried the burden of anger and hate and are now paying a price...their bodies are breaking down before their time. I am not trying to be callous, this is just my observation.

 

In bold...these are difficult days, and people seem to be more stressed out than ever...scared as a matter of fact. With so much change all around us, many are reacting in some unusual ways...extremely combative and rude. There are some days I wonder WTH is in the air. I think people are moving further and further away from what is real, as there is little reasoning out there.

 

This exfriend sounds extremely toxic, and I hope and pray she is forever out of your lives. Lorelei, she almost sounds like a person who stalks indirectly, and I hope I am way off here.

Edited May 7, 2011 by pureinheart

[crazycatlady]

Maybe I missed it in other posts, although I never knew what part of the sibling line your sis fell in. This makes a lot of sense...the "baby" of the family. She is just being a brat IMO.

 

Bold...really CCL? As I say many times every situation is different, and I find it very hard to believe that you did anything wrong concerning this. You did everything you could after D-Day to make things right with her...EVEN after everything.

 

In your case, I see this as way more than an A. It's kind of like my friends that used to hit on my bf's and H's...I kind of wondered what the deal REALLY was...would they have really wanted them if I weren't in the picture.

 

I am glad to see you post again...missed you!

 

No I did have a part to play in their affair. I think every BS has a part they played. There are things I did leading up to the affair that I could have done differently. Before when it got emotional, and then when it got physical.

 

Since she and I haven't spoken, and probably will never speak of it - if she has her way - I have no idea why she did it. There is a number of years between us, and we have often had a very rocky rough relationship. And she has had crushes on a number of boyfriends or even just guys I've had crushes on, but it may simply be a case of similar taste or deliberate on her part who knows.

 

But also, the part I played in it is also accepting my H for who is he, which is slightly selfish (ok fairly selfish). I knew this going in. And that he will think of himself first in some circumstances and self-control is not his strong point. And I accept I can't change him and being with him is a risk that I will be hurt when he has one of his selfish episodes. Over the years its happened a couple of times where it was really bad, I gotta give him this, he at least picks a new way each time (not just cheating). And then there is the very small times which irritate more then hurt. But its him and part of loving him is taking those flaws. I'm sure I've got my own that is his burden to bear.

 

CCL

[turnstone]

After I left my ex husband and took a restraining order out to put an end to his completely over the top pleadings to take him back, I sent an email copied to all the OW I knew of (yes, there were plenty), informing them of each other, my philandering husband and the fact he had given me, and thus probably them, an STD.

 

I understand the desire to confront the OW and I blame each one of them that was aware my husband was married, as much as I blame my husband, but I felt that there was no value in confronting them, what would it achieve? To give a woman who has already demonstrated lack of self-control, an inability to feel compassion and a willingness to lie, the chance to put her side of the story?

 

But as they say the best revenge is living well and I am now married to a wonderful man who has integrity and honor. I guess I just had to experience the bad before I could truly appreciate the good. Either way, the fact I no longer feel anything about my ex husband or the OW is my greatest satisfaction.

[26pointblue]

After I left my ex husband and took a restraining order out to put an end to his completely over the top pleadings to take him back, I sent an email copied to all the OW I knew of (yes, there were plenty), informing them of each other, my philandering husband and the fact he had given me, and thus probably them, an STD.

 

I understand the desire to confront the OW and I blame each one of them that was aware my husband was married, as much as I blame my husband, but I felt that there was no value in confronting them, what would it achieve? To give a woman who has already demonstrated lack of self-control, an inability to feel compassion and a willingness to lie, the chance to put her side of the story?

 

But as they say the best revenge is living well and I am now married to a wonderful man who has integrity and honor. I guess I just had to experience the bad before I could truly appreciate the good. Either way, the fact I no longer feel anything about my ex husband or the OW is my greatest satisfaction.

 

You sound strong in your ability to get over him & I admire that.

 

My xMM's wife called me, after I had gone NC but he was still contacting me with no responses from me, & told me it was all my fault, she puts all the blame on me, I'm a homewrecker & he isn't strong enough to stop contacting me so I need to stop contacting him & that that would be best for everyone involved. I agreed with her on the last part but not on the rest & I told her so. I did feel very sorry for helping to cause her pain & I told her that too. [i knew her before we started the affair so in my case it was a bit different.]

 

I don't know, Turnstone, I know I've done selfish things & helped him lie by my silence but I also think I'm able to feel compassion & that talking to her helped me stick to my resolve to be done with him. I didn't lie to her although there were some things she asked me that I told her I couldn't answer because I didn't want to get him into trouble. I was still in protective mode of him & I think if she contacted me now I would tell her everything she wanted to know. Not out of revenge but because I've started to see that the truth is best. But I don't think she will contact me again, which is good, since we are over.

 

Again, I don't know. Maybe there are two sides to me, a good side & an evil side, & they fight with each other & I would like to align them so that I don't hurt myself anymore & go around making messes. I think I was naive & when he said he was unhappy & leaving his marriage & loved me, I believed him & didn't have too much guilt because I thought, people fall out of love & get divorced etc. But the first time I broke it off with him was when I realized he was telling both of us different things & he was sneaking around behind her back hurting her & I was helping him do that & it felt disgusting. But then I missed him & he said he was really leaving & he did move out & so we started all over again . . . which would go against my conscience but I suppose I was just weak & felt like I needed him & just wanted him to start being honest with everybody. In the end I realized he was incapable of being honest to her or me or anybody really, & I was no better than him for continuing the cycle. So right now I'm just trying to figure out how I can change so that I don't ever put myself in this kind of situation again.

 

Oh, & that's crazy about the STD. At this last end of the A when she had kicked him out but taken him back, or whatever [i'm not even sure of what was going on, I was trying to go NC but was weak & kept listening to his lies -- by this time I knew they were lies & I knew I was listening anyway], he said she was freaking out about maybe having an STD, & he started freaking out, & blaming me & saying this changed the way he felt about me, when I knew it was his own guilt talking. I went & got tested & everything came back negative- he said he did too but I really don't know. Anyway after I went NC for real he sent me an email saying whatever issue she was having didn't go away & so now they are doing STD tests on her & she thinks he gave it to her from me . . . he knew all my tests had come back negative & that I had only been with him since we got back together so Idk if it was just his attempt to get me to talk to him to defend myself or if he was truly worried or what, but I finally realized, well maybe he is nervous because he has been with other people & he wants to think it was me but maybe he's thinking it could be him. Anyway all I know is that I don't have an STD & in a weird way that was a lesson to just focus on myself & not him or even her because I did what I did & can't take it back & there are big consequences like this pain [but at least not an STD] but all I can do is move on & try to not do stupid things anymore.

 

I think I got off track, sorry, my head is just all over the place.