soo sad

[alyse00]

my situation is very complicated. my boyfriend and i have been on and off for 6 years. we started trying to date but he was always very immature. there was always love between us but it was just not working. we were basically just each other's booty calls. during this time he was also messing with other girl's heads. he would tell me he loved me, and then not contact me for weeks, and then call at 2am. this continued for a couple of years.

fast forward to two and a half years ago. he started visiting me at college and things became serious. he began spending the whole week together, and i couldnt be happier. all i had been hoping for all of those years was that we could have a real relationship, and it was finally working out. the last two and a half years we have had some GREAT times, and some not so great times. i have helped him out in every aspect of life. he never really had a job or a car or a drivers liscence and i have helped him to get all of those things. as we are getting older (21), i've started thinking about our life together, which kind of freaked him out. it took a long time for me to be comfortable with his family and vice versa, but now i love them and i am very close with his little sister. the last few months we have been fighting endlessly. he is laid off in the winter and relies on me for everything. he continuously asks me for money and being that he has no money, he even asks me to buy him food. it became the norm for him to call me and i would run right over there and give him money or take him uptown for food and i literally have been supporting the both of us for the greater part of our relationship. i work 30 hours a week and attend school an hour away so me schedule is very hectic and i feel like there is alot of resentment towards me, going to school, having my own car and being spoiled by my father, which he does not have. i would start to get extremely angry when he would ask me for money for stupid little things, constantly. 5 dollars here, 20 dollars here, i need money for this, calling me at work to ask to come get money, and it's downright ridiculous. i would put up with it because i knew in spring his job would be back and things would probably go back to normal. now he has been working for almost a month, and he abruptly changed. all of a sudden, he no longer wants to hang out with me, or even text me. i never receive cute text messages or any hello, hows your day messages. when we did see each other, he would try to leave without kissing me. clearly i knew something was wrong but i just kept trying to let him know that i need to feel important and loved. he told one of our friends that i am just so nagging and such a bitch. this kind of struck me hard and i thought, if i am this bad i really need to change. i made an effort to be positive and nothing worked. i was becoming really depressed, trying to make an effort and trying to make it work. after all, we have a dog together and i do love him alot. i was getting so frustrated and upset, because its not very easy to carry on a day when you know that your boyfriend just does not care to even speak to you, let alone not want to say i love you or kiss you.

two nights ago, i was trying to make plans to have lunch with him, as we haven spent any quality time together in a while. it was a one way conversation and i just decided to say "okay, goodnight, love you" he responded with, "ya". at this point, these responses are literally ripping me apart. im literally realizing that this person that i have loved for years upon years, (i have never had another serious relationship), no longer has love for me. he called me moments later and basically spilled his guts out. he hates the way i nag, and how im such a bitch. (HELLO - im not going to be happy when my 21 year old boyfriend asks me for money for the 3rd consecutive day). he tells me that he wants to go on a break and we will see where things go. i am so devistated. the ball has always been in my court and now HE wants a break!? what the heck. i do EVERYTHING i possibly can for him. i work long hours 6 days a week so that we can both be comfortable, i stay up late for him, i come over late at night, i give him money, rides and everything else. he realy uses me like no other, and it hurts me SO much that he can now say that its over because I am the bitch. the night after the break conversation, i go over there to talk for a minute. at this point i stil havent eaten and basically havent been able to compose myself for even 5 minutes. when i see him, im not really too sure what to say. i try not to say a whole lot because i dont want to start crying. im not sure how to act. normally i would want a hug from him because he i my big 6'2" teddy bear and now i dont even know what to do. i dont know what the terms of a "break" are, so basically, our short 10 minutes is kind of awkward.

an hour after, he calls me angrily and says "this is exactly what im talking about, we are on a break and you STILL are a complete bitch to me" and bla bla. honest, i was not even being a bitch i was just not really saying much to avoid getting upset.we are on completly different pages. so the conversation continues with him telling me that i "make his life a living hell", and i "make him wanna die" because im nothing but a bitch and im always nag, nag, nagging on him. he tells me in 500 different ways how i make his life so terrible, and makes me feel sooooo incredibly low. i cant believe that after all i have done for him for so many years this is what i get. he breaks up with me on exam week. i cant even concentrate for more than one minute and i have two exams tomorrow. i cant think about anything else. i just cry and cry. i thought him working would solve the money issue and now that he has his own money rolling in, he doesnt need me and hes done with me. he made is very clear that we are broken up, not together and do not have a chance of getting back together for years atleast. HOWEVER, he wants to be friends. he wants to somehow be my friend. i cant even grasp being friends with my ex boyfriend who broke my heart and stomped on it and made me feel two feet tall. and he pulls the, "and we will hang out, but if you start being too nice and try to get me back we cant even hang out". like what the heck? who made him king of the world? he said that i should let him call me. this whole time im just agreeing because im bawling on the phone and my dad is asleep in the next room. i am just so very upset. it sucks so much that it is actually over. clearly i need to move on, it just hurts immensley that i have been soooo used. although we would fight, i still loved him and i didnt think i would ever hear him say that he doesnt love me, doesnt want to be with me, and never will. the whole situation sucks. my mom is not around, i am an only child, and although i love my dad with my whole heart we just do not talk about feelings. i hate feeling alone. i am just so sad and while my friends are great, they have their own issues and schedules and i dont want to bother them constantly talking about my boyfriend who broke my heart when none of them ever really liked him in the first place. everything just sucks so much. i have never dealt with a breakup and it is really the worst thing. i cant believe i am being so ridiculous with joining a forum and everythign but i really dont know what to do. how do i be his friend? or should i just end all contact? he wants to be friends and hang out like we used to. just having fun and not fighting. i just dont know what to do. i feel so alone, and depressed and heartbroken. i KNOW i deserve the world in a man, i am just so scared i will never find someone like that.

[silvermane187]

I would like to offer some advice but the wall of text makes my eyes hurt. Paragraphs and grammar dear, paragraphs and grammar.

[alyse00]

haha i'm very sorry, I know how to write properly but the context of the situation makes me just type like crazy and not care. thanks for the insight.