Jonesey Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 (edited) Hi there LS'ers. I've used the board before, and unfortunately I am back. This situation is alot different from my divorce, but of course has a connection. Here is my story... I met someone this past January, after only casually dating for about 2 years. Since my divorce, I have become very picky and selfish to a point, but that is mainly because I have my mended heart and a 4 year old son to protect. I met this woman and we immediately hit it off. We kissed that first night about 10 minutes after meeting. It was my choice to kiss her, I had a few beers, we were listening to a band and she looked at me in a way that it felt "right". We did not sleep together that night, but exchanged numbers and made plans to see eachother the next day casually for a football game. I was excited, but I was also very cautious the next day and everything turned out great. I went to her house and she lived in an amazing home, seemed to really have her stuff together and I was all so interested, impressed, etc.... A few days go by with us getting to know each other and I invited her to my place one weeknight to hang out and talk. Before I go further, here is her background. She has 2 kids and is a full time nursing student. One of her kids is autistic (6yo), he is pretty low functioning but the other is typical (almost 4yo). She is not divorced but in the end stages. Her and her ex are constantly at odds/war because she is going after alimony, child support for both kids, and he has bigtime money invested in the house she lives in that he moved away from. Her parents live next door and along with her ex, pay all the bills and basically everything while she is in school. Her mother is a saint, and does so much for her that I couldn't believe it. Ok back to the story.... the night she came over to talk, we talked about our children and how important it was to make wise decisions about when/if to intro them to each other, etc.... After conversing for a while, she was like a dog in heat. She was all over me and I was a little shocked. I stopped her, and said that I wanted to take things slow and not rush into sex. The reason being is that I wanted to get to know this woman, and develop a bond with her before having bring sex into it. She was a little surprised, but backed down. We then talked about the pace to set for our little relationship thing we had going on, and we both agreed that slow was good. After that night, it's like she totally forgot about all that we talked about and started pressuring me to spend time with her, for her to meet the kids and have a playdate, etc.... I had a demanding day job, I have my son for 7 days on/off, and I like my "space", if that makes sense. When i would make time to see her during those first couple weeks, she always wanted more and seemed to be bugged out that I couldn't spend alot of time with her. I backed away, and got very defensive about this. I did not know how to process her and why she was in such a hurry. I mean really, I was scared to get sucked in so quickly. Honestly, I backed away a few times during the first 2 months, each time not realizing how badly she did not understand why (I clearly communicated why) and took it to her heart. It was like I would shut down and become depressed. really, I felt like a turtle that would retreat in his shell. to add, it was also like a cycle I would go through. After those 2 (kinda rocky for both of us) months, I started to give into her and started going against my best judgement because I started developing feelings for her. We started having sex regularly and spending time together during the day ( I got laid off during this time). I really loved some things about her, and it was happening pretty fast. I finally introduced her to my son and then to her 2 kids. We would have play dates and make time to do things. However, the further I fell, the worse my gut was screaming at me to wake up and smell the coffee because things didn't feel right for me. Our sex life was great, and she was one of the most sensual women i have ever been with so no issues there except I just couldnt give her enough (it seemed). Basically, during these times i started seeing MAJOR red flags everywhere with this woman, because she was letting her guard down. Here is a list.... - Depended entirely too much on her parents and was not appreciative of what they would provide to her both financially and in terms of helping her with kids. - Her kids ran the house and were totally out of control. She made little attempts to correct them, discipline them or want to do whats right for them. She also fed both kids (including the special needs one) whatever was available from whatever FF restaurant was convenient. She also let them pound soda like it was water. All things not good for reg kids, let alone special needs. - She did little for her special needs son. He needs special attention (I have experience in this area) but only gets it at school. At home, he is left to do whatever he wants with no structure and little supervision. - She had many "guy friends" and was always on facebook looking for attention. Yes, she would rather be on FB instead of dealing with her kids and doing things that they need like potty training, reading etc.... -She was always beating up on the STBXH, and there was always drama there. - She had no boundaries for anything. Even though she knew I was very protective and wanted to protect our kids she was always suggesting to have sex (In her bedroom or bathroom) when they were playing in the next room on the days we were all together. Yes, I folded and did do it a few times and felt like the biggest POS everytime. I am not innocent here. There are a few more, but I'll stop here. To conclude, towards the end I became very stressed by her and tried to talk to her about the above things. She would try to make small changes but always would regress back to her ways. I started distancing myself, and I became hot and cold because I was so damn alarmed. But, because I had feelings for her I would always put myself back in the situation after backing away. I eventually listened to my gut and started to look for other things that was not right with her and found out that she was talking to other men on Facebook. She had sexual conversations with them and it was heartbreaking. I tried to coax her into coming clean about it, but she didn't for the 2 days I took before confronting her. When I did confront her, I belw up BIGTIME. I was so hurt, angry, felt stupid and I was destroyed. I really nuked her. She provided no response except for blaming me that I did not trust women and I drove her to this by backing away in the beginning and then becoming hot and cold. She has since blocked me out of her life, like I asked her to do. She has completely walked and I am pretty shocked. I feel like I am to blame for all of this and I am now sitting here with a broken heart. I feel that my initial distancing and cold feet in the beginning really screwed her up. I can't believe that I feel this way after all of this, but I do. I have never wanted anything but to have a real relationship with her, but she kept screwing it up. The end was really bad because she was getting jealous and I was as well because I knew in my gut this chic was doing shady stuff on FB. I take responsibility for pushing her away and the hot/cold thing, fully. I also take responsibility for whatever else I may have done to contribute to all of this. I know deep down she is a good woman, but is in need of serious help. I want to help her, but the dishonesty has caused it to be impossible. Please....be brutally honest and give me your thoughts. I have seen my doctor, and I am trying to help my issues with depression and all that. I am trying to better myself while in such pain. It is hard, but I know I have to do it and learn from all of this. I do not want this to happen again. I also do not want to hurt anyone like I hurt her by backing away and the hot/cold. Thanks Edited April 26, 2011 by Jonesey
Author Jonesey Posted April 26, 2011 Author Posted April 26, 2011 I would really appreciate some thoughts...please. I am struggling with this and advice is really needed on why this happened. Maybe some criticism on me actions...anything. I really want to learn from this.
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