heartbrokengrl Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 I am very happy with my boyfriend. It's been 4 months, and he's been great except I don't like hearing about his past. He doesn't always bring up his ex-fiance (they were together for 8 years, were going to get married when he saved up more but she cheated on him) and we got together 3 months after they broke up (which I know isn't long time to heal). Anyway, he'll occasionally bring her up maybe like once in awhile (nothing in a way that says he misses her), but last night we were watching a movie and there was a part with the ring, so I asked him what he did with his engagement ring. He said he still had it and it was his grandfather's and "you should see the ring I had made (for her)" and also brought up how his ex is in his will life insurance policy still and brought up how he found out she cheated on him, etc...I know it's not even nice things he's saying about her, but just sort of annoys me. I know she was his first love and best friend and he said they don't talk to each other which I believe. He also talks a lot about how he wants to travel, and last night he also said he wants to go to Thailand to take some sea diving thing for a month in September. I guess I sort of question his commitment to me and not sure if it's something I wanna bring up. In my past posts, i have said that he tells me he's happy with me, has fun with me but isn't with me just to have fun and that I have a job that will allow me to travel with him if I wanted to (but he'd go anyway). Also that I'm special to him and he cares about me, but doesn't know if he can love anyone right now, otherwise he's an awesome boyfriend! I know she was a big part of his life, but hearing things about her, would u be annoyed too? And also that he talks about moving away and traveling a lot (with or without me)?
lemonlegs Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 (edited) I am very happy with my boyfriend. It's been 4 months, and he's been great except I don't like hearing about his past. He doesn't always bring up his ex-fiance (they were together for 8 years, were going to get married when he saved up more but she cheated on him) and we got together 3 months after they broke up (which I know isn't long time to heal). Anyway, he'll occasionally bring her up maybe like once in awhile (nothing in a way that says he misses her), but last night we were watching a movie and there was a part with the ring, so I asked him what he did with his engagement ring. He said he still had it and it was his grandfather's and "you should see the ring I had made (for her)" and also brought up how his ex is in his will life insurance policy still and brought up how he found out she cheated on him, etc...I know it's not even nice things he's saying about her, but just sort of annoys me. I know she was his first love and best friend and he said they don't talk to each other which I believe. He also talks a lot about how he wants to travel, and last night he also said he wants to go to Thailand to take some sea diving thing for a month in September. I guess I sort of question his commitment to me and not sure if it's something I wanna bring up. In my past posts, i have said that he tells me he's happy with me, has fun with me but isn't with me just to have fun and that I have a job that will allow me to travel with him if I wanted to (but he'd go anyway). Also that I'm special to him and he cares about me, but doesn't know if he can love anyone right now, otherwise he's an awesome boyfriend! I know she was a big part of his life, but hearing things about her, would u be annoyed too? And also that he talks about moving away and traveling a lot (with or without me)? I think that's a huge issue. When you're in a relationship with someone, the hope is that one day, you can develop feelings of love for the other person. The fact that he isn't capable of love makes me question why he's in a relationship. Is that okay with you, knowing that he won't be able to love you anytime soon? I know that if my boyfriend said that to me, I probably wouldn't want to be with him. I find it annoying to bring up exes too, but in all fairness, you did ask about the engagement ring. If he talks about her frequently, chances are he's not over her. My guess is that regardless, he probably is still hurting real bad from his previous relationship. Afterall, he had intended on spending the rest of his life with that woman. Sounds to me as though he's not quite ready for a serious relationship with anyone right now, despite the fact that you two seem like you enjoy each other's company. It really depends how you feel about it though. If his actions and words have indicated that he's still hopelessly in love with his ex, then it's probably best to end it. And if you're actually fine in knowing that you won't hear the words "I love you" until God knows when, even if your relationship is great, then all the power to you. Those are things to think about. But from what you've said here, it sounds as though he simply enjoys your company in his time of hurt and doesn't really see you as a serious girlfriend whom he may have a future with. If you're looking for an extremely casual relationship, then it may be fine for both of you. But, if you really like this man and are hoping for a future with him, I'd proceed with caution. Edited April 26, 2011 by lemonlegs
Jazzari Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 I am very happy with my boyfriend. It's been 4 months, and he's been great except I don't like hearing about his past. He doesn't always bring up his ex-fiance (they were together for 8 years, were going to get married when he saved up more but she cheated on him) and we got together 3 months after they broke up (which I know isn't long time to heal). Anyway, he'll occasionally bring her up maybe like once in awhile (nothing in a way that says he misses her), but last night we were watching a movie and there was a part with the ring, so I asked him what he did with his engagement ring. He said he still had it and it was his grandfather's and "you should see the ring I had made (for her)" and also brought up how his ex is in his will life insurance policy still and brought up how he found out she cheated on him, etc...I know it's not even nice things he's saying about her, but just sort of annoys me. I know she was his first love and best friend and he said they don't talk to each other which I believe. He also talks a lot about how he wants to travel, and last night he also said he wants to go to Thailand to take some sea diving thing for a month in September. I guess I sort of question his commitment to me and not sure if it's something I wanna bring up. In my past posts, i have said that he tells me he's happy with me, has fun with me but isn't with me just to have fun and that I have a job that will allow me to travel with him if I wanted to (but he'd go anyway). Also that I'm special to him and he cares about me, but doesn't know if he can love anyone right now, otherwise he's an awesome boyfriend! I know she was a big part of his life, but hearing things about her, would u be annoyed too? And also that he talks about moving away and traveling a lot (with or without me)?If you don't want to hear about her, then don't ask leading questions like that.
sagetalk Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 You sound serious about him, he does not sound serious about you. If that's what you want, you have found it.
Author heartbrokengrl Posted April 26, 2011 Author Posted April 26, 2011 I e-mailed him and told him just in a few sentences i felt like he wasn't over his past and that i qusetion his commitment. he wrote back saying "i had a lot of things on my mind. i was trying to sell her old iphone yesterday and it got me rambling on when u asked about the ring" (he also had a buzz going from drinking when he rambled on) i also apologized for even asking about the ring and that he enjoys all of our time together (still not sure how serious he is about us).
spiderowl Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 I very much doubt he is serious about you when he only broke up with her three months ago. It's not long enough to get over someone he was engaged to. He probably cares a lot about you and may well fall in love with you but is unlikely to be there yet. He's still reminiscing about the sad things. I don't see how he could have got over her yet, to be honest. I know it's not what you'd want to hear. But, once he is over her, he may well choose you and fall in love. Just don't expect it now or rely on him. He will try to reassure you in a vague sort of way because he likes your company and cares about you. That is not the same as being emotionally involved in the way you would like him to be. Years ago, when I knew nothing about how people felt after important relationships ended, I would have been optimistic if a guy I fancied showed interest in me, even if he was just out of a relationship. Now, having got involved with a guy who was going through divorce and also having been through a sudden breakup with someone who I was getting increasingly attached to, I know it's not that simple Quite simply, his past relationship needs to fade and he needs to let go. Do you think he's let go? If not, protect your heart and keep this casual and nothing more. Get to know other guys who are not attached to their exs, have some fun. I can't tell you what to do though. If it was me, I would distance myself and tell him I don't think he's over his ex yet but when he is, he knows where I am. That might make him think a bit and have an impact in itself, forcing him to re-evaluate the situation. Whatever I did though, I would not expect anything good to come of this relationship. Sorry to be a pessimist here.
WillSingForFood Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 I would take it as a minor red flag, but a red flag nonetheless. This was 8 years that he spent with her, of course hes still going to want to talk about certain things to do with her, especially if you ask! You asked, what did you expect? A quick "Yes" or "No" response? If you want a good, healthy, relationship with him, you have to be prepared for him to tell you whats on his mind when you open up that door for him. If youre really worried about how serious he is with you, ask him where he sees you going. But its only been four months, and seven months since his last relationship ended. Dont be surprised if he's not sure yet about your future together.
Author heartbrokengrl Posted April 26, 2011 Author Posted April 26, 2011 I suppose for now all I can really do it just stay with him (I want to) and hope within time he can fall in love with me and realize later on that maybe this is something he wants to really pursue seriously. I know it's a risk, I could end up in heartbreak. I don't expect him to be completely over his ex. I'm just glad they don't really keep in touch, i dunno what I would do if they became friends or if she ever tried to come back. The last thing I want to do is pressure him to feel something for me, it just has to happen naturally. I just have to be patient, easier said than done tho..
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