Need and

[sitaville]

Hi, this is my first time here. I'm usually a reader not a contributor to forums but I really need help as I haven't turned to anyone about this. I started an affair with a MM last year. I never imagined ever getting involved with a MM but perhaps some of you understand, it just happened. I was overseas when I met him. He didn't tell me he was married right away but I did know he was married and had a child prior to us becoming intimate. He is an Indian man, he didn't give me a sob story about being stuck in an arranged marriage but he did say there is a lot of pressure from the family to marry and from what I saw in India that is true. I think originally we both felt a very strong attraction and I thought why not go for it and on his side I think he wanted to experience another sexual relationship (he was a virgin before he married). We met every chance we could (I was travelling on my own but kept coming back to his town) and we just kept falling for each other. I knew I was in trouble when we both said how much we loved each other. I left India and thought perhaps that's all it was going to be, a holiday fling. But we stayed in touch all the time and I just couldn't get him out of my head. I was/am completely in love with him. I went back a couple of months ago to be with him. I stayed a few weeks travelling around but we would meet most weekends and it was so amazing when we were together. So amazing that I knew I had to leave again and this time for good. I was taking contraception but we weren't using any other protection. I have left and trying to get myself back to normal and him out of my heart but I have just found out that I'm pregnant. I am sick with worry and I don't know what to do. I'm not in my own country and I am alone. My immediate thought was to terminate it but I truly don't think I can but the thought of telling him which will destroy his family makes me sick too. I never asked him or wanted him to leave his family, they rely on him too much and divorce just isn't done where he is from. I couldn't do that to him (yes I know I should've thought of all this before but my contraception has never failed me before). I don't think I can tell him. I think I could support this baby on my own but it will be hard. I dread having to tell people this situation (ie. my friends and family) but I dread more what I should say to my baby when they want to know who their father is. I already feel very protective of it. I'm in a total mess and really need some help. Anybody who has been in this type of situation, please help.

[TigerCub]

Hi

 

I haven't been in your exact situation, but I've read similar posts on here.

Hopefully someone that's been there can contribute and help you out.

 

The only thing I will say is if you're in India, check what parental right are like there before you talk to him.

I'm thinking more of middle eastern countries where the Man gets more rights to his children than the woman (I'm not even entirely sure on that - but I've heard it lots before and we had relatives that live in those countries and they backed up that theory), but all I'm saying is, before you tell him, make sure that there isn't some crazy law that gives him more rights like automatic custody or something like that because he's the father.

 

Because worst case scenario is that he tells his wife, they don't get divorced because its too taboo, and because of some crazy rights, they end up raising your kid.

 

I'm really not trying to scare you, I could be completely wrong, but its definitely something you should look into before you decide to tell him anything.

[Irishlove]

I don't know where you are from but check the laws. He may be able to take your child. You can raise a baby by yourself. I raised three of the same age so you can do one.

You can tell him but I would move to the States to have the baby, if that's where you are from.

[sitaville]

thank you both. oh my god, I hadn't even thought of that. I'm from New Zealand and I'm not in India anymore but I'm not back home yet either. This whole thing is making me crazy. I think I need to tell my family and ask for their advice, I know they'll be disappointed but they'll support me. I want to tell him, but if I'm honest with myself it is because I have this fairytale idea that he will come running to me. But that's not what will happen, it will just end up destroying his family and I can't just bare that right now. Oh goodness, I really have to look into those laws because woman have very few rights there and you might be right. thank you....ohhhh the stress

[Irishlove]

http://www.answerbag.com/q_view/684464 I found this site that may have info on it for you

[Irishlove]

thank you both. oh my god, I hadn't even thought of that. I'm from New Zealand and I'm not in India anymore but I'm not back home yet either. This whole thing is making me crazy. I think I need to tell my family and ask for their advice, I know they'll be disappointed but they'll support me. I want to tell him, but if I'm honest with myself it is because I have this fairytale idea that he will come running to me. But that's not what will happen, it will just end up destroying his family and I can't just bare that right now. Oh goodness, I really have to look into those laws because woman have very few rights there and you might be right. thank you....ohhhh the stress

India is dead set on marrying thier own kind. He will NOT leave his wife. It would disgrace his family. As far as your family. I would not say he was married but maybe you had a realtionship with a man. Some things they don't need to know. I'm sure your family will help you. Tell the father of the child and just see what he says. Maybe he will help you financially but he does have the right to know. Please keep us updated. You have friends here. Feel free to lean on us.

[sitaville]

thank you Irishlove for the link. I know all about how Indian families stick to their own caste and some parents couldn't handle the idea of their children marrying outside of it. I gave up thinking he would divorce and marry me after the first time I was there, but I just thought, why not just enjoy moments with him because I have had boyfriends before but this I think was my first love. I know there are alot of people who say they just use you, and like I said, that might've been the case for us both when we first started but it got serious and I know he loves me. He has no money. He comes from a pretty poor family and the money he earns goes to his family. I will get no financial support and I'm okay with that. I think you're right, perhaps I tell my family that I just had a relationship with a man...but I'm pretty bad at lying. My best friend knows about him and knows he's married, but I haven't even told her about the pregnancy. I think she'll advise me to terminate it. I really think I just need to give myself a week, I'm not far along yet just over a month, try to relax and get the right solution because right now I'm hopping from one to the next in a space of seconds. Thank you for your support and for not telling me all the awful things I've read some people say when they get themselves into a mess.

[Irishlove]

No one is perfect and you are on the right board for support. I personally wouldn't get an abortion. If your bestfriend tells you to do that then she isn't a very good friend. There is adoption.

Your family may embrace you and a child. God doesn't make mistakes. You have alot to think about.

I had children and thier father was an alcoholic. I raised them alone. It turned out to be the most wonderful thing I've ever done in my life. You have family. You need to reach out to someone.

[sitaville]

Thank you. And well done on raising your children, that has inspired me. I will keep you updated.

[Irishlove]

Thank you. And well done on raising your children, that has inspired me. I will keep you updated.

It was financially difficult but friends always were there. Your child will inspire you. By the way, Congrats on the baby!!! It can and should be a joyous time even with the messed up outside world.

[sitaville]

I lost the baby... yesterday. I don't know how to feel, part of me was ready for it, I just feel so helpless. And to make things worse. My lover (he doesn't know about the pregnancy) just emailed to say that he thinks it's best for my future if we stop contacting each other.. I don't have anyone to turn to. This is hard. I'm shaking...Thank you for your support. I'm struggling to see the light right now..

[Breezy Trousers]

I lost the baby... yesterday. I don't know how to feel, part of me was ready for it, I just feel so helpless. And to make things worse. My lover (he doesn't know about the pregnancy) just emailed to say that he thinks it's best for my future if we stop contacting each other.. I don't have anyone to turn to. This is hard. I'm shaking...Thank you for your support. I'm struggling to see the light right now..

 

((Sitaville))

 

I'm so sorry. You are not helpless, but you do need lots of support. So often an affair is isolating and gives you the illusion of being separate from everyone. You're not. I hope you have one or two confidants there to support you. Please continue to come back here. Keep in touch with community and away from MM. The longer you stay in NC, the more the fog will lift, and the easier it will be to find your way out of this. You can do this.

[sitaville]

I always thought I was such a strong person... but this has tested me to the limit. I can't function. I don't have anyone here I can turn to except this forum. I'm a very private person by nature but I need to let it out.... I'm drowning in my tears.

[sitaville]

I don't whether I should tell him what I'm going through... because he is the only one to turn to but I can't. I have this feeling of pride that I don't want to let go of. I don't want him to think I'm hurting, I want him to think I'm happy. I don't feel like I'm making sense to myself, am I?. I'm really struggling. I'm in a crazy country with no friends (travelling) I moved here because it's not far from India. What am I doing? I'm weak, I'm drinking beer right now.. I need a release...

I just want to say, I have read a lot of your posts this week and I just want to say that love is real, the heart has no boundaries, yes the mind does, but not our hearts. I've read a lot of OSHO and I absolutely advise anyone in love to read his thoughts on it because it's the only thing that makes sense to me, when you're in love with someone who you shouldn't be. There are some beautiful, intelligent women here who have fallen...... I was already in love with my baby and it's gone..I'm a Buddhist and I believe in karma, so is that it?

[Breezy Trousers]

I used to be a private person, too, Sita, but I learned that it's only by open communication and sharing that we can recover from life's challenges together. Our privacy keeps us stuck in old patterns. Maybe that will be one of the gifts this experience will show you. If you stay in NC and get lots of support, I am sure there are many gifts on the other side of this. You can't see that right now, but I promise you that.

 

It's the isolation that makes us prone to this sort of thing. Affairs grow in secrecy and darkness, not in openness and light. And you are only as sick as your secrets, in the end.

 

Have you considered a 12-step program? It's not for everyone, but it might be worth looking into. Meetings are free. You can get a sponsor there who will meet and work with you on a weekly, sometimes daily, basis --- again, all for free. It's truly a wonderful support network and, in my opinion, often better than therapy .... And did I say it was free? ... The hardest step is walking into your first meeting, especially if you are a private person. But if I could do it, you can do it. You'll laugh at your fear later.

 

Here are links you might find helpful:

 

 

This may not apply to you at all, so forgive me if it doesn't, but here's a link explaining love addiction:

 

http://coda.activeboard.com/forum.spark?aBID=138345&topicID=42291981&p=3

 

There are "love addiction" meetings in New Zealand, which that interests you at all:

 

http://aucknz.localslaa.org/

 

http://www.wellington.govt.nz/services/commdirectory/display-group.php?id=587

 

http://directory.slaafws.org/new_zealand

 

Telephone meetings:

http://directory.slaafws.org/intl_phone

 

 

 

Part of me hesitated to post these links. Frankly, I believe that if we want change and support, we will find it on our own because we will go to any lengths to pursue it. I hope you're one of the ones who triumphs.

 

Keep coming back here, Sita. This is going to be a hard day for you, but it doesn't have to be harder than necessary if you get support.

[sitaville]

thank you breezy. I looked at the headings of the links you sent me and they all say sex and love addicts.. I can't bear to look at that right now, I just don't feel that is me. Before my affair I hadn't been with anyone sexually for a while (even my ex boyfriend I couldn't be physical with him after the lust stage and we broke up because of it). Something happened to me when I was a very young girl and I think with my MM it was the first time I felt like I could fully give myself, maybe because he was a virgin before and I knew he didn't have expectations.... I don't know why I felt so sexually connected with him, I think it was more to do with chemical reactions inside me, his smell, his voice, his eyes... everything drew me to him.

I thought with my baby that maybe god had a plan because our chemistry was so strong. When I meditate I feel him near me and I felt my baby... but now she's gone. I'm feeling really out of control. I don't know how else to put it. I thank you for your support. I'm trying really hard to make these sentences sound normal.

[Breezy Trousers]

I don't whether I should tell him what I'm going through... because he is the only one to turn to but I can't. I have this feeling of pride that I don't want to let go of. I don't want him to think I'm hurting, I want him to think I'm happy.

 

No contact is the only way to go here. He ended it with you. That's reality. In my opinion, you've been spared. You're caught in the love fog and obsessed with him right now. No contact is the only way to go here.

The longer you stay in no contact, the clearer you will see things.

 

It's natural for you to grieve right now, but how you grieve is your choice. I hope you can focus on supporting yourself in healthy ways, not focus on supporting a relationship that doesn't support YOU.

 

I've read a lot of OSHO and I absolutely advise anyone in love to read his thoughts on it because it's the only thing that makes sense to me,

 

 

I've read a lot of OSHO, too, and I think he makes some amazing points. However, personally, his life didn't end up the way I would want my life to end up. So I don't care to use him as a role model -- I pay attention to results, not words and philosophies these days. Personal preference, I guess. I appreciate his thoughts, take what I need, and leave the rest...

[Breezy Trousers]

thank you breezy. I looked at the headings of the links you sent me and they all say sex and love addicts.. I can't bear to look at that right now, I just don't feel that is me. Before my affair I hadn't been with anyone sexually for a while (even my ex boyfriend I couldn't be physical with him after the lust stage and we broke up because of it).

 

Sita, I'm 48 years old and have only been with two men in my life sexually -- my first boyfriend of several years and my husband of 22 years. But I do consider myself to be a love addict, now, based on two unhealthy experiences. Until I named it, I couldn't own my part in it .... You may not be. That's your call, and I respect your judgment.

 

I don't believe there are chance encounters. I feel sometimes people come into our lives ARE soul mates, but not in the way we traditionally define "soul mates." The two men I became inappropriately attached to proved to be catalysts for profound change in me. I honor and, in a way, love them for that. But I would never want a relationship with either of them.

 

Someone told me that "crisis" means bridge. I don't know if it's true. But I like that. This crisis could bridge you to something greater you can't see right now. The possibility is there for you, but it's up to you, Sita. God bless you.

[sitaville]

I just sent a long post but it doesn't seem to have registered. Thank you for the links, but there headings are about sex addicts, I don't know if I'm that. I'm just struggling right now cause I lost my little baby and I was already close to her/him.... I told her that it would all be ok and I rubbed my belly all night. I convinced myself that my attraction to this man which, I have to say was ultimate, his smell, his voice, his touch, his walk, his everything drew me in. I thought maybe this was god's choice but now I'm dealing with losing it and my precious life that was created. Yes, I'm helpless, lost and crying so much I don't know how I cant type..

[sitaville]

Oh my goodness, bless you breezy for being out there, right at this moment. I feel like a failure that my baby left me, I feel like a failure that the man I chose to give my love to (I know that was stupid knowing he was married), but I believed in the love I had for him. I believe that it would/will conquer all. I desperately want to tell him what I've been through, but knowing me, if we are ever in contact again I won't because I don't want to spread my pain. I hope not being on here is spreading my pain either. I am just extremely lonely and going through something no one should do on their own. I'm not young, I'm in my early 30s. I was always the girl that was looking for love. I've had boyfriends but they weren't giving me what I needed. In one week that baby changed my whole outlook on life.....I need her back.

[blueroses10]

Oh my goodness, bless you breezy for being out there, right at this moment. I feel like a failure that my baby left me, I feel like a failure that the man I chose to give my love to (I know that was stupid knowing he was married), but I believed in the love I had for him. I believe that it would/will conquer all. I desperately want to tell him what I've been through, but knowing me, if we are ever in contact again I won't because I don't want to spread my pain. I hope not being on here is spreading my pain either. I am just extremely lonely and going through something no one should do on their own. I'm not young, I'm in my early 30s. I was always the girl that was looking for love. I've had boyfriends but they weren't giving me what I needed. In one week that baby changed my whole outlook on life.....I need her back.

 

(((Sitaville))) I am so sorry about your baby. No, I don't think it was karma that made you lose your baby and I pray that things will get better for you. As far as MM is concerned, I don't know if it is best to tell him. It might freak him out even more but that might not be a bad thing.

 

Without knowing the ins and outs of his culture, it is hard to predict how he will act etc. If you feel that you must tell him then just be prepared for the worst so that you aren't let down. Hugs again and again I am sorry for your loss.

[sitaville]

It's ok. I won't tell him... and I won't be in contact with him again, well maybe later but not for now..

[YellowShark]

I started an affair with a MM last year. I never imagined ever getting involved with a MM but perhaps some of you understand, it just happened.

 

First of all it "just didn't happen." Why?

 

He didn't tell me he was married right away but I did know he was married and had a child prior to us becoming intimate.

 

You *knew* he was married - (you admit it) - and you became intimate with him.

 

When I hear stories like this it's breaks my heart. You need to take responsibility for your actions which you *knew* were with a married man from another country. Not trying to be mean, just take some ownership for your actions.

[sitaville]

It happened because I fell in love with him. Yellowshark, have you ever been in love? Have you ever been so drawn to somebody that you let your inner self take control, regardless of anything, love is the most powerful emotion that is almost impossible to resist. I hope you have felt It for real, in order to reply because I know, I used to hear people talking about it and I was always, like yeah…love, whatever….but I experienced it for the first time and Oh my goodness….. there are no words.

It breaks my heart too. Knowing that I can’t be with him, it was never in my mind that I would want him to leave his family. I love him therefore, I want him to be happy. Breaking up his family was never an option. I had decided when I had his baby not to tell him. I’m a financially independent woman and I could’ve raised her/him on my own. I don’t know at what point I would’ve told him, and I guess I don’t have to worry about that now.

Can I ask you, what do you mean about taking responsibility? I am in pain. Is that the responsibility you want me to have? You seem to want me to repent. I won’t, because the love I felt for him and my baby was real and no one can take that from me. You simply can’t tell me to deny my feelings….

[YellowShark]

It happened because I fell in love with him.

 

Yes. It happened. But it wasn't a mistake, It wasn't unplanned. You *knew* he was married with a child and still took it to the next level and sadly became pregnant. It wasn't "oops look what happened...It was "I made a choice knowing all the facts going into it, now I must take ownership."

 

Yellowshark, have you ever been in love? Have you ever been so drawn to somebody that you let your inner self take control, regardless of anything, love is the most powerful emotion that is almost impossible to resist.

 

I have been in love, absolutely... but if a person is married with a child and a wife I would resist having intercourse with them. I really would and could. Call me insane if you wish.

 

It breaks my heart too. Knowing that I can’t be with him, it was never in my mind that I would want him to leave his family. I love him therefore, I want him to be happy. Breaking up his family was never an option.

 

Then why sleep with him? Why take it to the next level. Why not say to him, "I am falling in love with you but since you are married with a child and live 5000 miles away from me perhaps we should not have sex." Look at all the pain it has brought you. It breaks my heart. So much waste and pain.

 

Can I ask you, what do you mean about taking responsibility? I am in pain. Is that the responsibility you want me to have? You seem to want me to repent. I won’t, because the love I felt for him and my baby was real and no one can take that from me. You simply can’t tell me to deny my feelings….

 

I am not asking you to deny your feelings, only take 100% responsibility for having sex with a married man who has a family that doesn't even live in the same country as you. Don't say "it just happened." Stand up and take it on the chin that everything you're experiencing now is entirely because you decided to have intercourse with a married foreigner who has a family. This is all your doing, I don't mean to come off as harsh, but I am amazed how his marriage and child didn't stop you from getting into bed with him. That few minutes of selfish pleasure has now scarred you for life, you will never ever forget this.

 

My advice is seek therapy to process the hurt, and next time if a man says he's married with children you don't have sex with him. It'll save you so much pain.

 

Best of luck. I really mean it.