reallyconfused2542 Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 well today im going to start NC. im going to try and write on here, it'll probably be write a bit cause i have no other outlets except my once a week shrink. and maybe someone else will have the same feelings and this might help. i don't know, just good to get out and vent a little. i really have no one to talk to. only child, only a few friends that don't want to hear my sorrows. i got burned really bad last night i feel like. i was still trying the get her back by doing things phase and ended up feeling like crap after. i had bought her flowers for easter sunday and thought that she was gonna come over to my parents house. she ended up going over to hers which wasn't a huge deal to me, i get that she wanted to spend the day with her fam. i told her though that i had bought the flowers for her and that i wanted to give them to her so they don't die. i asked if i could drop them off in the morning and she said yea. ended up that she she slept late and i wasn't abel to come by to drop them off cause i had an earlier train to catch. so i txted her a few times during the day and said that i was going to drop them off on my way home so that they don't die. of course i also wanted to see her but still i wanted to give her those. so she doesn't respond back to me about coming by just some other nonsensical stuff. i txt her again that im coming by after and then hear nothing i go by the place she's staying at and drop them off. she wasn't home and she had known the exact time that i was coming by. like she purposely went out and left her phone so she wouldn't have to deal with me and then got mad that i left them inside the garage by the door. she sent me a txt at 2 am (i was there at 1030) telling me that i shouldn't have done that that it wasn't her place. no thanks or anything. totally ungrateful and made me feel like total ****. so i told myself last night that that was it. im not going to have any more contact with her until she gets in touch with me and then only if she's willing to try again or wants to go talk about us will i answer. it just hurt to much. its strange how the mind works and fools us into thinking that the more we tell them that there everything to us that the better off well be and that they'll come back. well according to this place it never works. and im starting to believe it. im using NC not to try and get her back, although my tricky mind tells me that maybe it'll work, but in order to get my head used to not having her around if that is the way that it has to be. i was thinking about txting her on thurs to see if she wants to go to a movie but that is definitely out of the question. i know that her answer will be no. im a good looking guy with a good personality and i know that ill be able to find more girls. at least the one half of my brain says that. the other tells me that i wont ever find another like her. i guess though even if thats true ill hopefully find another one that is unique like her. maybe it doesn't have to be the same uniqueness but there is someone out there for everyone. so here i go out into the world on day one. sorry if you don't like my rambling but again this is more for me to get my feelings out there than anything else. i don't know when im supposed to stop hoping that things will work out and decide to push her out of my mind and close this chapter in my life. i know that my sanity will be determined by which path ill follow. i can either keep driving myself crazy wishing i could turn back the clock, not eating, sleeping, moping around, being depressed, thoughts of suicide(just thoughts), not being able to study, not wanting to go out, just plain being miserable or i can start the healing and push her out of my mind. is that truly healing? is that what i have to do to heal? get rid of what i love the most right now? jesus this is so f-n hard to do. well hopefully i got out everything today. ill probably be back tonight to type more random stuff on here so that i don't contact her. thanks for listening.
manji123 Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 I'm on day 3 of no contact and I feel you man. You're not alone. It happened late Friday night/Saturday for me. I tried to eat something Saturday and just threw it up a little later. My breakup was over nothing really. Basically she is feeling her life is out of control (job she doesn't like etc) and she is still feeling a little empty after her divorce and thinks I deserve better. We had just had an 8 day vacation with her family to see her brother get married and we had some many more upcoming plans. It really came out of no where. But I also know that I've said I'm there for her via email (our last two phone calls fell into crying) and she responded an hour later saying she was sorry she was mean and hurt me and didn't know what was wrong with her and that she would always be my friend. I really still don't know what to make of that. But I feel good about my email because there it is in writing--I would be there for her and although I don't understand everything she is feeling I'm still there. All I can do now is wait and it's so hard. Again man--I understand and no that you aren't alone.
ilovedhim Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 I found this forum when i realized my friends were sick and tired of hearing about my crap. This forum works since we're all going through the same things. Sorry if i missed it but did you tell her you need time (NC) from the relationship?
Author reallyconfused2542 Posted April 26, 2011 Author Posted April 26, 2011 well NC was broken. haha didn't last that long. we ended up talking on the phone and she said that she didn't see it anymore and wanted to do her. so i guess that at least i got a definitive answer about things. i asked about the other day when she told me that she would be open to taking things slow and she had said sorry i changed my mind. i guess this part doesn't hurt as much as the not knowing. i can start to try and heal now so maybe thing will start to get better. tomorrow will really be the first day of NC so i guess after then will be the true test.now what is my next step i healing. i try and do whats best for me, i have to regain my focus and love for life instead of feeling this despair and anguish. there will be someone out there for me, i have to believe that its true. the next one will be great hopefully and my mistakes that ive made here will not be done on the next one. she really put most of the blame on me and made me feel like it was all my fault. i know though that thats not the truth. it takes two people to make a relationship work i also wasn't getting needs met. i guess thats why its so hard for me to figure out why my head is so confused. for a while this is exactly what i wanted. maybe its the fact that now i cant have what i want and it upsets me. all i wanted a lot of the time was a simple thank you or hey i appreciate everything that you do for me. instead it was just that i was a selfish prick and i took her for granted.strange that i felt the same way with things. but in the end why am i the one thats willing to forgive and forget and she just says that she doesn't see it anymore. why doesn't forgiveness work both ways? well im sure ill be on here more venting. thanks though for the response
doubtfulwonder Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 I'm glad you got some clearer answers from her even though it's not exactly what you wanted to hear. I think you're on the right track on what you need to do. It will be tough at first but eventually it will get better. Right now she is pulling away from you so anything you try to do may push her away further. Just leave her be, and focus on yourself. Go back to doing things you used to love and enjoy as an individual, before she came into the picture. The only thing we can really control is ourselves.
Author reallyconfused2542 Posted April 26, 2011 Author Posted April 26, 2011 thanks for that. couldn't help myself but to send one more txt saying sorry for the hurt that i had caused her and i never meant to make her feel unappreciated. i just read another post on here about how to cope and he said to write her number down and hide it somewhere and then delete the number from the phone. i did just that so i should be good on txtn now. hopefully.... i gotta believe that theres more than one woman out there for me and maybe what i though was the right one really wasn't that way all along
Author reallyconfused2542 Posted April 26, 2011 Author Posted April 26, 2011 i think it was better to just suck up my pride and not put any type of blame on her or get into an argument and just ask for her forgiveness. my forgiveness is there for her, all that she has to do is ask me.
Dillon Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 I think you are doing the right thing man. Right now she may just be confused with what she wants. Use NC to get her out of your mind so if she never comes back you will be fine. But if she does come back you may not want her anymore because of what she did to you or you may finally be in the right mind set to talk to her again. Good luck.
Author reallyconfused2542 Posted April 26, 2011 Author Posted April 26, 2011 and yet even after i just did that i still have the urge to text....AARRRGGGHHH!!!
manji123 Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 We all do man. We all do. I used to just do stuff like text a photo of different pastas in the store and ask her which I should eat for dinner. Just stuff like that I miss so much. But be strong man...be strong.
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