Rose1977 Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 I have commented on that in one of my earlier replies to someone else. And yes, I've been focused on improving my marriage since day 1. No, ending my marriage is not, and never has been, in the question. I mean, from the looks of things, it doesn't seem like anyone here in a similar situation as mine instantly wants to "pick up the pieces" of a marriage the second the affair hits the NC stage. I've never wanted to give up on my marriage. I guess it is hard to understand what kind of advice you are looking for. It is unclear whether you are looking for help on continuing an A, figuring out why he stopped having contact with you, or fixing your M. Maybe if you clarified what kind of advice or support you are looking for people would be able to better assist you. Or maybe you really don't know what you're looking for, which is okay too. Just something to think about, how would it make you feel if your H was here posting what you did about another woman? I think the fact that you seem more concerned with when/if the OM will contact you than saving your marriage makes your situation confusing and hard to read. Just my 2 cents, but it would make me feel pretty crappy if someone didn't contact me before they were deployed and only cared enough to contact me while they were lonely on deployment.
fooled once Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 I am new here guys...hello! Almost a month ago, I started cheating on my husband with a married man. We talked a bunch via instant messaging (we met "online") and finally met up in person where we made out. That's all we did. We both felt the sparks and what not and we both admitted it was amazing. But anyways, after countless tries of trying to meet up again, we haven't yet. He's going through pre-deployment stuff (he's leaving maybe June-ish) and has been pretty busy, I had appointments, etc. The problem came about a little over a week ago. We talked on Friday and wanted to get together but his wife was coming home from school early. So we just shot the breeze and talked about what we were doing, how I was going to pick up my glasses, etc. And that's the literally the last I've heard from him. Whenever we instant messaged, he did it through his iPhone...never a computer. So it's been a little over a week since I've heard from him. Has this happened to any other "other women"? I'm just really confused as to what happened...was I "put on hold"? Has he just cut me off completely? I know I can't just trust anyone, but I remember us telling each other that we planned on talking to each other for as long as possible. But now I don't know what happened and it does seem very unlike him to just stop communicating. I've also thought of the possibility of him going through the early emotional stages of deployment when they tend to detach and distance themselves from people. I did a little digging and found he had been active in a truck forum for a few days last week, so it's obvious he's been working on his truck. I've always been one to investigate anything, so I saw that those few days were the first time since last year he had been active in the forum, and in one of his posts he mentioned going on a weekend trip, which would make that last weekend. ANYWAYS, I would just like some advice and input from others who have maybe been in a similar situation, or just have something (not too harsh) to say. None of us know what is going on with him. Obviously you aren't comfortable enough calling his house and asking to speak to him. Who knows, maybe he has another mistress that he is busy with right now? I am not being sarcastic, just stating a possibility. I am a little that you searched for him on line at other places. That seems stalkerish to me. You must really be emotionally invested in him to do that. This is both of our first times doing something like this, so I figured his wife would not suspect much and he was pretty adamant that she would never find out. Anything is a possibility, though. I wouldn't say I'm totally unhappy in my marriage. Rather, I've had a hard time completely forgiving him for a lot of wrong he did to me before we got married. The funny is that I was never looking for an affair or to cheat, but once it happened, I relished it. So you married someone who did something prior to the wedding and instead of working on that/those issues, you go find a f*ck buddy? Why not work it out PRIOR to the wedding? Why marry someone without working through the issues first? Sounds like no matter what anyone says, you are going to stay focused on this affair or possibly another one instead of focusing on what is broken in your marriage and fixing it. If your H finds out, I hope you are prepared for what could happen - like a DIVORCE. I know you say it isn't in the equation, but many spouses who find out their partner is cheating (and is unremorseful) do divorce. I find it incredibly disrespectful of your spouse for you to carrying on with whatever pissed you off prior to marriage AND to be having sex outside your marriage or even the emotional affair. I hope he finds out and I hope he moves on with his life with someone who isn't a liar and a cheat. Please do not say "no one is perfect". Cheating isn't an accident or a whoops. It is a conscious decision to deceive and betray your partner. Well, here's my suggestion. It might not be the advice that you're looking for, but it's the best I can offer you. Rather than focus on him, his status, what may have happened...why not take active measures to either fix or end your marriage so that you can either have or seek out a relationship that is completely fulfilling to you? You've noted that you've not forgiven your H for wrongs he did to you prior to the marriage. Does he know this? What have you done to try to heal from this? Have you sat down and considered what needs to happen in order to heal this rift? My thought is that it's better to fix or end the relationship you're currently in before you consider moving on to another. Ditto Owl.
Breezy Trousers Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 Based on what you shared: Is it possible you are only "in love" with people who aren't completely committed to you -- and then you lose interest once they are? Is it possible you may be frightened of fully committed, peaceful love (true intimacy) and are drawn to the drama of insecure/uncertain love?
Owl Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 Given your stated goal of working on your marriage... ...my advice/support to you is to stop focusing on OM and let him go his own way. What's going on in his life, why he's gone NC, etc... focus on that DETRACTS from your stated goal of improving your marriage. You need to change your focus and ramp up your efforts to meet your stated goal...and figure out what needs to change in you, in your marriage to allow you to be happy in that context. I've no doubt that part of that means you really need to learn to forgive your H for whatever it is he's done/you feel he's done. So...let's talk about steps to meet your goals. Marriage counseling, working to improve communications between you and your H, understanding why you've been unable to forgive, etc... What have you done along these lines?
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