carelesswhisper Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 (edited) I am new here guys...hello! Almost a month ago, I started cheating on my husband with a married man. We talked a bunch via instant messaging (we met "online") and finally met up in person where we made out. That's all we did. We both felt the sparks and what not and we both admitted it was amazing. But anyways, after countless tries of trying to meet up again, we haven't yet. He's going through pre-deployment stuff (he's leaving maybe June-ish) and has been pretty busy, I had appointments, etc. The problem came about a little over a week ago. We talked on Friday and wanted to get together but his wife was coming home from school early. So we just shot the breeze and talked about what we were doing, how I was going to pick up my glasses, etc. And that's the literally the last I've heard from him. Whenever we instant messaged, he did it through his iPhone...never a computer. So it's been a little over a week since I've heard from him. Has this happened to any other "other women"? I'm just really confused as to what happened...was I "put on hold"? Has he just cut me off completely? I know I can't just trust anyone, but I remember us telling each other that we planned on talking to each other for as long as possible. But now I don't know what happened and it does seem very unlike him to just stop communicating. I've also thought of the possibility of him going through the early emotional stages of deployment when they tend to detach and distance themselves from people. I did a little digging and found he had been active in a truck forum for a few days last week, so it's obvious he's been working on his truck. I've always been one to investigate anything, so I saw that those few days were the first time since last year he had been active in the forum, and in one of his posts he mentioned going on a weekend trip, which would make that last weekend. ANYWAYS, I would just like some advice and input from others who have maybe been in a similar situation, or just have something (not too harsh) to say. Edited April 26, 2011 by carelesswhisper
Rose1977 Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 I think the obvious answer is that the W either discovered your chat sessions or he got freaked and bailed. If this isn't his first affair, his W is probably very good at finding things out. I was cheated on, and when my BF got his iphone, I figured out how to use that thing within 12 hours and figured his password out (okay, it wasn't that hard, it was the same code as our answering machine). He would have given me the PW had I asked, but I openly admit I wanted to see if there was anything he was hiding. I'm not proud of snooping on him, but my point is that BW's have a lot of ways of checking up on their men, even years after the betrayal. The hurt stays the same. Are you unhappy in your marriage? Maybe this was a warning for you that you are unhappy and it is a blessing in disguise that it ended quickly. I think it means you need to either try to fix your marriage or decide to separate. I'm not trying to be harsh, just my honest opinion.
Author carelesswhisper Posted April 26, 2011 Author Posted April 26, 2011 This is both of our first times doing something like this, so I figured his wife would not suspect much and he was pretty adamant that she would never find out. Anything is a possibility, though. I wouldn't say I'm totally unhappy in my marriage. Rather, I've had a hard time completely forgiving him for a lot of wrong he did to me before we got married. The funny is that I was never looking for an affair or to cheat, but once it happened, I relished it.
Rose1977 Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 This is both of our first times doing something like this, so I figured his wife would not suspect much and he was pretty adamant that she would never find out. Anything is a possibility, though. I wouldn't say I'm totally unhappy in my marriage. Rather, I've had a hard time completely forgiving him for a lot of wrong he did to me before we got married. The funny is that I was never looking for an affair or to cheat, but once it happened, I relished it. I understand what you mean about not being able to completely forgive. On my bad days, I wonder if it would have been better if I revenge cheated to make him feel what I had felt. I know this is irrational, but it bothers me that he never had to go through what I did. So I do understand. What were you hoping to get out of having an A? Did you hope the two of you would leave your spouses and be together? If so, I think it's a sure sign that your M is over. I think you owe it to yourself and your H to get into Marriage Counseling. It may be fixable, it may not. You won't know until you try. I don't believe it's a fix-all. It's a lot of hard work. I think the first time my BF ever truly understood what he had done to me was when he saw the disgust on the therapists face as he justified his actions (blaming cheating on me on me LOL). It freaked him out that a psychologist could think his actions were that warped. The counseling helped me to understand what I was really angry about and helped me learn how to start to trust and truly love again. I think now that you have felt the "thrill" of an affair ((that may be the wrong word) you will probably seek it out again. You can read around on here to see the emotional upheaval that can cause. I am not telling you to have an A or not have an A, I just think you need to examine the possible outcomes and consequences before getting involved in something you may regret. A's can make people not think so clearly at times, so maybe when you are a little further removed from the situation you can figure out what it is you truly want.
Author carelesswhisper Posted April 26, 2011 Author Posted April 26, 2011 I applaud you for going into marriage counseling. It's a big step and I have thought about it myself. It reminds me of a similar thing my parents went through; once my dad saw a third party's reaction (other than his friends) to his affair, things became a little clearer for him. It's weird, because I didn't really go into this hoping to get something specific out of it. As a matter of fact, I was very "appropriate" and civil in the beginning. It was once we started to connect that I realized how much I was enjoying having someone on the same page as me about certain things...and of course, there was the mutual physical attraction. I am really hoping I don't seek out another A. In some ways, I could see how I'd be tempted...but in most ways, I don't want to go through all those emotions again with another person. Yet at the same time, if this guy ever comes back, I know I would want it to continue with him.
JadedAmore Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 This is both of our first times doing something like this, so I figured his wife would not suspect much and he was pretty adamant that she would never find out. Anything is a possibility, though. I wouldn't say I'm totally unhappy in my marriage. Rather, I've had a hard time completely forgiving him for a lot of wrong he did to me before we got married. The funny is that I was never looking for an affair or to cheat, but once it happened, I relished it. How do you know this was his first time? I'm a xBS and my xH was a habitual liar and a con man. He could convince anyone that grass is purple, he was that good. From the way he left you hanging, either the BW found out or he found some new candy. Either way, it hurts to feel left out in the cold and I apologize that you're hurting. I do think that your M should be taken into consideration and whether you're just unhappy or bored. If you're unhappy, seek marriage counseling and get to the root of the problem. If you're bored, try new things with your H. I've seen almost no good (although there are some success stories on here) come from A's, and right now is a good time to break off before becoming too attached. Welcome to LS!
Owl Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 Well, here's my suggestion. It might not be the advice that you're looking for, but it's the best I can offer you. Rather than focus on him, his status, what may have happened...why not take active measures to either fix or end your marriage so that you can either have or seek out a relationship that is completely fulfilling to you? You've noted that you've not forgiven your H for wrongs he did to you prior to the marriage. Does he know this? What have you done to try to heal from this? Have you sat down and considered what needs to happen in order to heal this rift? My thought is that it's better to fix or end the relationship you're currently in before you consider moving on to another.
Author carelesswhisper Posted April 26, 2011 Author Posted April 26, 2011 How do you know this was his first time? I'm a xBS and my xH was a habitual liar and a con man. He could convince anyone that grass is purple, he was that good. From the way he left you hanging, either the BW found out or he found some new candy. Either way, it hurts to feel left out in the cold and I apologize that you're hurting. I do think that your M should be taken into consideration and whether you're just unhappy or bored. If you're unhappy, seek marriage counseling and get to the root of the problem. If you're bored, try new things with your H. I've seen almost no good (although there are some success stories on here) come from A's, and right now is a good time to break off before becoming too attached. Welcome to LS! Thanks for the welcome! Initially, I did want to know if he was a liar...I wanted to see if everything, even the small things we talked about, checked out. And they always did. But you're right, he could be a liar. As I said before, anything is possible in these situations. It sure does suck, though.
JadedAmore Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 Thanks for the welcome! Initially, I did want to know if he was a liar...I wanted to see if everything, even the small things we talked about, checked out. And they always did. But you're right, he could be a liar. As I said before, anything is possible in these situations. It sure does suck, though. I'm not saying that he is a liar, but it's very possible. These types (not just men, women as well) have it down to an art and are usually good about covering their tracks. You are only seeing him part-time, and since the majority of your R was through instant messaging that makes you VERY part-time... you have to ask yourself, do you feel like you really know him? It does suck, and again I'm sorry that it hurts. However, I do think this is a great time to evaluate your M and what you're wanting to happen within it, whether you work things out with your H or you move on to someone who can make you happy. Baby steps, one relationship at a time.
whichwayisup Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 You don't see it, but you are broken inside. You're cheating on your husband and instead of talking to him, sorting out stuff with him, letting him know that you still have issues with what he did in the past, you've chosen to shut him out and go outside of your marriage. How does that help? How is that making things better in the long run and with your relationship with your husband? It doesn't. All it does now is even out the playing field. You're a cheater and been betraying him..His trust in you will disappear right away when he finds out you've had an affair. Also, you've said that you could cheat again with someone else. Looking outside of your marriage to make yourself feel better is only going to mess things up! Owl has given you some good advice too, so I hope you take it into consideration.
Author carelesswhisper Posted April 26, 2011 Author Posted April 26, 2011 I'm not saying that he is a liar, but it's very possible. These types (not just men, women as well) have it down to an art and are usually good about covering their tracks. You are only seeing him part-time, and since the majority of your R was through instant messaging that makes you VERY part-time... you have to ask yourself, do you feel like you really know him? It does suck, and again I'm sorry that it hurts. However, I do think this is a great time to evaluate your M and what you're wanting to happen within it, whether you work things out with your H or you move on to someone who can make you happy. Baby steps, one relationship at a time. I know what you mean. That's why it was interesting to search around on him...to get a glimpse of a small side of him that's not interacting with me. As for my M, there is much to be worked on. I don't plan on leaving him, and it's never even been in the question. I guess there are just issues that need resolving. I've been married for 4 years and the issues have always been there...but now that I've gotten myself into this situation, it changes a lot and I feel like I shouldn't just out of the blue jump up and make things happen. I kind of have no choice, since the other guy and I are not communicating, but to let things unfold naturally. That's the hard part, and waiting in limbo is something I've never been good at, no matter what the situation is.
daisy love Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 (((Careless))) I'm so sorry your going thru this. I think he will be back!! You have to be patient. Something might have happened and he is really busy. He could even contact you after he has been deployed!! I am very sure that is gets so lonely over there. You could be a really big comfort to him. Sit tight. Don't give up yet!! HUGS!
Author carelesswhisper Posted April 26, 2011 Author Posted April 26, 2011 (((Careless))) I'm so sorry your going thru this. I think he will be back!! You have to be patient. Something might have happened and he is really busy. He could even contact you after he has been deployed!! I am very sure that is gets so lonely over there. You could be a really big comfort to him. Sit tight. Don't give up yet!! HUGS! Thanks so much, daisy! It really means a lot I too have thought if he contacts me again, it would probably be once he deploys. But I never like to be too sure!
Owl Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 Well, I offered the best advice I could. Good luck...hope this turns out the best that it can for all four of you involved in this situation. You, him, and both of your spouses.
Author carelesswhisper Posted April 26, 2011 Author Posted April 26, 2011 Well, I offered the best advice I could. Good luck...hope this turns out the best that it can for all four of you involved in this situation. You, him, and both of your spouses. Owl, I'm not sure if you're being sarcastic...but I do appreciate your advice, as I appreciate everyone's here. You may or may not have ever been in a situation like this, but for me, this is all new and the situation is still very fresh. I have plenty of emotions going on so I truly hope you can understand that.
LifesontheUp Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 If you haven't forgiven your husband for perceived wrongs before marriage then why marry? Why not set your husband free so you can both move on.
Author carelesswhisper Posted April 26, 2011 Author Posted April 26, 2011 If you haven't forgiven your husband for perceived wrongs before marriage then why marry? Why not set your husband free so you can both move on. I married him because I loved him, and still do. Yes, I was the one who he always broke up with, yet always took him back when he was ready to get back together.
bentnotbroken Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 If you haven't forgiven your husband for perceived wrongs before marriage then why marry? Why not set your husband free so you can both move on. This would be my question also. Just seems like wasted life, disrespect, no honor...pitiful.
Owl Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 Have you considered the advice given you by WWIU and myself? Considered the idea of trying to either fix or end your marriage as opposed to focusing on a relationship with another married man instead? You've commented on advice received from everyone else, but not on that. Is fixing/ending your marriage something totally off the table here?
Author carelesswhisper Posted April 26, 2011 Author Posted April 26, 2011 This would be my question also. Just seems like wasted life, disrespect, no honor...pitiful. Well, none of us can be perfect.
bentnotbroken Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 Well, none of us can be perfect. Being honest doesn't require perfection, just courage.
Author carelesswhisper Posted April 26, 2011 Author Posted April 26, 2011 Have you considered the advice given you by WWIU and myself? Considered the idea of trying to either fix or end your marriage as opposed to focusing on a relationship with another married man instead? You've commented on advice received from everyone else, but not on that. Is fixing/ending your marriage something totally off the table here? I have commented on that in one of my earlier replies to someone else. And yes, I've been focused on improving my marriage since day 1. No, ending my marriage is not, and never has been, in the question. I mean, from the looks of things, it doesn't seem like anyone here in a similar situation as mine instantly wants to "pick up the pieces" of a marriage the second the affair hits the NC stage. I've never wanted to give up on my marriage.
Author carelesswhisper Posted April 26, 2011 Author Posted April 26, 2011 Being honest doesn't require perfection, just courage. You're right.
whichwayisup Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 I have commented on that in one of my earlier replies to someone else. And yes, I've been focused on improving my marriage since day 1. No, ending my marriage is not, and never has been, in the question. I mean, from the looks of things, it doesn't seem like anyone here in a similar situation as mine instantly wants to "pick up the pieces" of a marriage the second the affair hits the NC stage. I've never wanted to give up on my marriage. Then why allow yourself to fall for someone else and have an affair? That isn't making your marriage better. That's making YOU feel better. As I said earlier, all it does is put you in the same playing field as your husband. Two wrongs don't make a right.
TurboGirl Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 Carelesswhisper, as an "OW" you are never first, you are last and since he has been online, that makes me think you are for entertainment purposes, when he decides he wants to be entertained he contacts you. (ok, 99% of MM are that way, there are exceptions) I don't buy the pre-deployment crap. Sorry, just don't buy that detaching, blah blah, he's not leaving until June. I know what I'm talking about, too. These MM get off on chatting with other MW, it's a huge boost to their egos. MM don't take any of this stuff as seriously as we do. He could be chatting with others! (sorry I am not trying to hurt you, but to open your eyes - you are playing with fire.) If you do love your husband, don't even engage with this MM. Work on things with your husband, and ignore the MM. At some point, when he chooses, he will probably IM you again, and maybe want to get together. Please ignore the guy, he's already shown that he doesn't respect you (no contact in a week!). Oh YEAH he might contact you when he's deployed, yippeeeeee when he's completely bored and lonely and needs some hot flirty chat. Yeah, that's great. Again, you are there solely for his entertainment. Forget this guy, you are worth so much more than that.
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