paw82 Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 Hey, I have been lurking here for quite a while after going through a really hard time lately, and I think I need some opinions on my situation. I will go over the background first, I met my ex bf 2 years ago at work and we quickly became close friends which developed into something more just as quick (he had a gf at the time, albeit it was a dying relationship). I saw him for the next best part of a year and in that time put pressure on him to do the right thing for everyone and end his relationship if he wanted to be with me (he was promising me the world at this point). He did try and end things with his gf several times, although probably with not as much force as he could have done, it was a long process. He even had to tell her about me as by this time so many people knew it was only a matter of time before it got back to her. She still wanted him to be with her despite this, thinking he would break it off with me, showing her own insecurities. There were some also some issues from the past in regards to him trying to break up with her before, she had done something stupid previously, so the whole thing wasn't easy I guess. Anyway he eventually did end things amicably and she moved out. We got together properly a couple of months later. For the year of us being together properly, he has been very up and down and has been running round not really knowing what he wants, I think this is from immaturity (although he is 31)... hence we have been on and off like nobodys business. On at least 2 or 3 occassions we have had short breaks apart to give him thinking time. I have two children from my marraige, so I guess it was a massive change for him, although he never had any reservations and he loves the kids. He has always been honest and said that he wants to be 100% for me so we can make plans for the future (i.e. moving in, marraige, a baby etc). On the whole, we can be amazing, like nothing I have ever known, completely in tune and the chemistry has always been immense. But I have never known a man be as flaky as him. I think some of it boils down to insecurity, he had been betrayed by his ex on a couple of occassions and he also seems to think I can do alot better than him, that he is batting well out of his league etc etc... Fast forward to 6 weeks ago, he started a new job involving a fair amount of being away from home.. out of the blue he came over and said that he thought that we couldn't be together as being away from home would put a strain on a relationship which is already up and down. It was better if it ended now kind of thing. I was devasted to say the least, especially as it was a few days before we were due to go away for a wedding in his family, which I was so looking forward to. We continued to talk over the next few days and after some persuasion from me he did a u-turn and asked me to come to the wedding to to try again - one last shot. I went over and everything was really great, although I felt a bit like I was walking on egg shells. A little into the break, my suspicions being raised, I checked his phone, which isn't something I normally do, but I had a strong feeling something was up. Low and behold I found loads of texts to his ex, most of them harmless, I knew they remained friends, but there were a number which were sentimental/regretful, kiss on them etc. A number were definitely crossing the line, although, there was absolutely no evidence that they had met or discussed getting back together etc. Also to give him his dues, the later messages were in regards to her getting some furniture of hers from his place so she could put them in storage, i.e. the sentimentality etc seemed to stop. Anyways that didn't take away the fact that he had crossed the line and bearing in mind the correlation between the text messages and him breaking up with me the week before, I went mad at him and slapped him (again something I have never done). He went crazy and we had an almightly row. For the rest of the holiday we muddled through and just left the matter till we got back home. During the remainder of the holiday, he made a real effort to reassure me, although maintained that the texts were harmless and there was no way on earth than anything was going on between them. We got back from the holiday and briefly talked and he said that he felt that he needed to grow up and be by himself for a while to get his life into perspective. He was going to concentrate on his new job and he reckoned the additional responsibility of this would assist in getting his head straight. He maintained that it was nothing to do with me, he loved me etc, and he knew that it was him that had messed up so much for such a long time and the split was for the best.. I go away, again devestated. I have to admit I spent a week or two going back and forth to him hoping to start again and I didnt get very far, although he has always been warm to me without wavering. I then started NC for a week. I broke that like an idiot and talked to him again and we met up for drinks as friends, one thing led to another and we slept togther (I initiated this at first). It felt like nothing had changed, wonderful and loving as usual. The next day things were still nice, but he left to go and take care of some stuff. I didn't broach the subject of our relationship and where we stood and neither did he. That was a couple of days ago, I am now starting NC again as I just feel I am just going round in circles. I don't know what to do, whether I should continue NC and move on or use NC as a way to bring him back to me... I love this man so much, I just feel he is mixed up, I know we can work. I can give him some time, but I dont know if I am wasting my efforts here.... I understand from him and a couple of his friends that he is really gutted about it all just like me.... What do you all think?? ps. Sorry for such a long post... x
Fufu Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 This is NC to me... NC is mainly and solely for yourself, for yourself to move on from the past broken and failed relationship and discover what you can do for yourself without your ex being in your life anymore. That little hope that he/she will come back for you will only hinder your healing process. This may sound cruel and mean to some of you but it is the fact if you do want to start moving forward and be happy again. If your ex bf/gf is truly in love with you and realize they made the BIGGEST mistake, let him/her be the one to initiate the SINCERE contact and action to get you back. By then, you would have already moved on and will be able to think logically if he/she is worth to be with again, whether this once broken relationship is worth to relive again. Whether, this very person is serious in working things out with you and be truly committed to you and not dropping you off again. Most of the cases we see over in sub-forum are usually breadcrumbs (of course I do believe there are exes that come back sincerely and real for their exes), the reasons why Dumpees pick on breadcrumbs so easily because generally they are still having romantic feelings for their exes and still most likely questioning themselves why their exes chose to leave them and blaming themselves over what caused the years of relationship to end. Dumpers made their own choice to leave the Dumpees. In each and every relationship, no one is always right, and no one is always at fault. We learned from our mistakes and be a better person. However, if one of a individual in a relationship refuses to work things out with his/her partner, no matter how compatible the couple is, the couple will face issue of sustaining the relationship. At this moment, the couple had different thoughts and ideals in the relationship. The Dumper wants out of the relationship and the Dumpee still sees hope in the relationship. If Dumpers makes the first contact with the Dumpee, do not over analyze the intention from the Dumper because it can mean so many reasons: - It could mean the Dumper misses spending time with Dumpee, just spending time but nothing about getting back with the Dumpee. - It could mean the Dumper just wants to come back to be Dumpee's friend and nothing more. - It could also mean the Dumper just wants to come back to treat the Dumpee as a fall back plan or the most cruel one to come back for Dumpee for lust. Any Dumpees who haven't move on may fall into any of the above traps if they are not careful, that's why we always hear about cases people breaking NC because their exes contact them once or twice or thrice and they start to think that their exes are coming back for them for real. Remember, when they dropped you the break up bomb, they left you there, they left you crying alone, they left you questioning them, they left you feeling dejected, they left you blaming yourselves. They left you not willing to work any problems out with you and ultimately you felt the blow that you cause the relationship to end (which in fact it is never 1 person's fault for a relationship to come to an end.) If they just come back like this, do think properly if they are really serious coming back for you or not. Because, if the Dumper is not being serious, the Dumpee will end up being hurt again. NC is never about a game and a tool to use to get your exes back. NC is for yourself to discover what you missed out in life when you were with your ex, NC is for yourself to discover what you can do so much in your life, NC is for yourself to realize what and who you've been neglecting when you are with your ex. NC is about getting your life back again and be even happier without your ex in your life. NC could be a stranger and seems scary to all the Dumpees from the beginning, however when time sets in, NC will be your best friend and the support you will get to regain yourself back will come from NC itself. My all-time favorite quote, "You want to be actively chosen, and not settled for." What I learned for myself from this whole ordeal is that one's true happiness cannot be relied and depended on another person.
Fufu Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 I love this man so much, I just feel he is mixed up, I know we can work. I can give him some time, No one will ever know if he feels mixed up or not. You believe this relationship can work, however does he feel the same way? A relationship needs 2 to make it work. How much time can you give him? All your life? Personally, I don't think this is what you want. You need to move on, for yourself. If your ex ever feels he has make a mistake by leaving you, let him be the one to initiate the sincere contact and action to get you back. You don't have to do anything, you don't have to wait around for him. Once the relationship ends, moving on is always the best way to seek for. This is why NC comes into place.
Author paw82 Posted April 26, 2011 Author Posted April 26, 2011 Thanks so much for replying, that all makes sense. I understand that if I leave him alone and he never comes forward then it was never to be. I guess I am just scared that NC will make him think I don't care, although I am sure the truth is that he really knows this is to help me.... Just feels so hard to never see him or contact him when he has been a major part of my life for 2 years, especially when we fought so hard to be together in the first place. It's really frustrating... feel a bit like he has led me up the garden path from start to finish... Re what you said about whether he thinks the relationship can work, he has his doubts about it's longevity but I really think these are insecurities (not that the reasons matter), he has admitted as much in the past. I think the past relationship he had did him no favours with that, he is closed down much of the time, scared of getting hurt again...
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