VERY recent break up, Feeling sore =(

[b89]

I know this one is long, but PLEASE help me;

 

Hi, I just recently ended a relationship with my girlfriend of 7 years. We are both only 21, (our birthdays were one day apart!), and have been together since we were 14. Now, before you think that this is just some young silly love thats broken down, please listen. We were both very mature as teenagers, and both very much loners, so we fit pretty well. Now 7 years means 7 years. No breaks, no other people, it was full time and 100%. Approx a year ago we had some difficulty. I had been acting very distant for a couple weeks as something that had happened in my past (a couple years before i met her) had come back up.

 

To keep it simple somebody had 'hurt' me, and i proceeded to do something stupid to myself, which, obviously failed. I'd never told ANYONE before, and this distance was stressing my girlfriend out. She pressed me to tell her what was wrong, and i really wasnt read, but when i finally blurted it out, her reaction definantly was not what i was expecting. She responded agressively with "Why did you tell me that?" and "What am I supposed to do?" and this was very hard for me to comprehend, as she proceeded to kick me out of the house =( For about a month afterwards we (I) worked hard to get things back to normal, and eventually they did.

 

A year since has passed and things seemed great. An underlying problem ive had is the feeling that she does not care about me emotionally and that hurt very severly, but the stability in our relationship was moreimportant to me because it felt it helped me cope with everything else. So anyway, 3 or 4 weeks ago we started fighting. She said i was preventing her from having friends and going out, and I completely agreed that i was causing this, and so agreed to work on that let her have more freedom. I am possessive and am certainly not proud of it. But every couple of days we'd collapse into this nasty heated fight in either of our cars parked somewhere for privacy, at the end of which we would both be exhausted and too tired to fight anymore. So we'd try again for a couple more days.

 

I had demands and so did she, she expressed that she felt i couldnt change for her, and that she wasnt able to change for me either. I worked hard to give her what she needed, but alot of stress from here health, job and family life may have helped push her to give up trying.

 

On the night that it was over she was constanly getting messages on her phone, which she didnt usually and this made me suspicious. I tried desperately not to let it get the better of me as this was a prime example of what she was asking of me. I gave in to my old habits. I asked who it was and she said it was a girl from work. She kept leaving the room for long periods of time, presumably to speak to her in private. Things went on for the night (easter eve) fairly comfortably, we laughed and were watching tv and generally happy. Suddenly at about 2 in the morning she got up abruptly and said she was going to the kitchen to get a drink. When she returned after AGES she was in a totally different mood, and was aggressive with me. I tried to reason with her, but she said "I dont want to try anymore". I asked if it was over but she wouldnt say yes or no. Eventually she said "i think so" and as i left her familys house, she followed me out and held onto my arm and kept crying and apologising. When i got home I called her to ask if she could give my house keys back, and was very reluctant to get off the phone.

 

For the next couple of days we had minor communication, she was sending me mixed signals, calling me old pet-names, re-assuring me that she loved me, etc. But i felt i needed to know where we stood and with having to go back to work in a day or so, i felt i needed to have some sort of closure. I called her calmly and asked what she wanted, she said it was definantly over, and that was it. We were both civil and i told her that if she changed her mind i'd always be here. I also told her that if she ever needed anything, a week or 2 years later, that if her car broke down, or she was lost or stuck somewhere or whatever just to call me and i'd come running without any hidden agendas. She didnt return the sentiment, but reassured me that shed always love me, and that she misses me. For the record, there was DEFINANTLY no other guy, of that I am certain.

 

So, my problem now is that we know all the same people, watched all the same shows, movies, went to the same restaurants together, ate the same foods, i have photos, gifts, a ring, everything. We got our drivers licences together, our jobs at the same time, we live close by and i dont know how im going to cope. I dont have any friends because the relationship consumed me (and her) and minimal family support. In short, i dont know what to do.

[Miss TT]

Hmm this is a tough one. You both technically 'grew up' together.

I wish I could tell you what to do for the pain to just go away, but I cant. However, creating some new habits and/or lifestyles for yourself would be a great start - you need to have something in your life that did not and does nnot include her.

 

and as much as it isnt what you want to hear - you both were together from such a young age - people grow from teenagers to adults, and not always at the same pace.

 

In saying that, i am not saying that there is no chance for you% over two, or that it is 100% over, I am saying that maybe you both need to do a little bit of growing up without one another. This will make her see how she really feels and perhaps make you more comfortable with being in a relationship and a little possesive??

 

And a little of your own advise (you just gave me) dont give up hope, just dont let it consume you.....

 

so for now..... go out and get yourself a new habit, hobby even a new circle of friends.....etc

[b89]

Thanks Miss TT, a little of my own medicine? =P I can see that what you suggest will be an important part of me moing on, but socially it is very difficult for me. I dont know where to begin or when. How? Right now i dont feel emotionally strong enough to check the mail. I know its all time, but time is killing me.

[Miss TT]

Believe me I know what you mean about not even being able to check the mail.

I have not left my sisters house (yes moved in with her) for 4 months. I have been out on two social outings, one was my sisters 21st and the other was catch-up with a old girlfriend.

I actually went overseas twice in the 4 months only to sit in my room by day two and not move....

NOTHING was helping me socially - at all. so maybe tis site and just chatting to strangers will help us a little

[b89]

i spoke to a very old friend who was in a similar relationship at school with us, who had broken up with her boyfriend about two years ago the night it all happened. I hadent spoken to her since school, but asked her for advice on how she moved on, (ie with photos, etc.) and she said it took her 2 months short of two years before she could even touch her photos of them. she said she just had to wait until when she looked at them she felt neither happy nor mad. They simply meant nothing to her. She advised me to never throw them away, after all it was 7 years of my life, but only once i was ready, to put them away somewhere safe but out of the way. She also told me, before the split was definite, that if i still loved her, to chase her and never give up, until she makes it clear that it was final, which i did. It takes two people to make a relationship work, not one.

[b89]

Also, i gave her a diamond ring, and she gave me a wedding-band like ring with a very deeply personal engraving on it, when she was breaking up with me i asked if she wanted it back, she said it was mine forever. Its hard for me to type this, but when i feel at my most desperate i pull the ring off my finger, kiss it, and squeeze it as tight as i possibly can, i mean we talked about marriage, we were saving up for a deposit on a house together for christ sake, we even discussed if we were to eventually have a kid what we'd name it... it upsets me that something material can mean so much to me =(

[Hhhh]

I'm not going to she was texting another Guy on the phone, but I think it's safe to assume she found someone new in her life, maybe a few Friends. I think she wants to discover the world on her own without anybody weighing her down. After all you guys are still young and whole new world opens up in your early 20s.

 

I agree with Miss TT, a change in lifestyle is nassari to heal. Maybe join a gym, join a club, pick up a hobby (maybe something that interests you but never got a chance to explore it). You need to build a new life that doesn't include her. This cinque is defiantly going to be difficult because it's been seven years since you have been on your own. You mentioned that you don't have any friends, I suggest you start with finding a friend with the same interests and build a bromance

[Miss TT]

Your friend is right - do not throw away your photos, or anything else that is a memory of you both. She and those memories are a massive part of who you are.

And I do understand what your friend meant about not being able to touch any of her photos until she felt nothing.

I cant even drive through familiar suburbs that he and I dined in etc without feeling an enormous gush of nostalgia. Not a nice feeling at all...

I wont even look at my Facebook page anymore. I have actually deactivated it.

And as weak as that sounds, I think that is the best thing we can do for a while (just not look at them)

Soon enough, hopefully we can look at the pics and just smile about our past...

no way in hell i can do that just yet though :0

[b89]

i asked my girlfriend what i should do if i were to see her in public, and she snapped at me and said "for f*** sake its not like i put a restraining order out on you" and she told me to just approach her like normal and just say hi... i hope that will be something i can cope with. From how emotional she was i know it will be a long time before she'll be able to move on, as with me, but the nagging thought in the back of my head that one day she'll be with someone else is crippling... no-one could ever know her the way i do. No-one could ever lover her the way I do. Its twisting me up inside and getting me all bent out of shape. I feel like i need to vent, but when i open my mouth nothing comes out, im tired but i cant sleep. I havent eaten since Saturday night (its tuesday here now) and have no desire to do so. I think im mad, but i dont know who at. I just keep sqeezing that ring...

[b89]

Another thing thats worrying me sick is the fact that i know that shes not dealing with it healthily, I know she isnt talking to her mother about our break up or to her sister, but i dont know that shes talking to this girl from her work, who i feel is a bad influence. Theyve only worked together for a few weeks, and this girl is younger than us, but with a guy 8 years older, and drinks a fair bit and has never met me, and knows nothing about how our relationship worked. So i felt it was unfair that she was giving advice to my girlfriend, and it was hard knowing she probably had someone in one ear telling her "ditch him, who cares, he no good, lets just go get drunk on the weekend..." Im worried about my girlfriend. Even though she broke up with me, i want to comfort her, i dont want her to be upset, i want to support her...

[Miss TT]

at this stage - or any really!

The only thing you can control i yourself. You have to do things that will help 'you' before you can ever thinking of helping others (including the ex)

 

as for who she talks to and what social activities she involves herself with, irrelevant of your opinion of the activity (drinking) or the people she speaks with (girl from work) you HAVE to let her have that and not judge it or worst of all, try and control it.

 

You cannot have control of the above, so try not to consume yourself with the thoughts of it and nstead try and do what we discussed yesterday, which was to get yourself some new life changes that DO NOT involve her.