DontWorryBHappy's Coping Log

[DontWorryBHappy]

Hey all, I wanted to make this log as a means of getting my thoughts down instead of letting them float around my head without any outlet. My ex broke up with me four days ago and it's been heart wrenching all the way through. We had some issues, but an overall great relationship, and I loved him with all my heart. To get caught up to all that's happened before today, check this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t275080/

 

So after I ignored his second call yesterday I eventually fell asleep and decided the next morning (early) to finally return his stuff. I didn't mention that he currently lives in the same apartment complex as me, so it was a familiar short distance to walk. Standing in front of the door I thought I heard someone in there, likely a roommate, so I quietly knocked. Of course it wasn't a roommate and he opened the door (hooray!..) leaving me to awkwardly say that the bag of stuff contained a paper of his with his social security number typed on it, so I didn't want to leave the bag outside. I started to walk away when I heard "wait" and this occured:

 

Ex: "I just have one question"

Me: "What?"

"I was wondering if we will still be able to talk?"

"You really hurt me"

"I know"

"I can't be your friend. I can be more, but I can't be less. That's all I have to say."

"Ok..."

 

Then I walked away. Unfortunately though, this brief face-to-face time really derailed my strength and I suddenly felt weaker than ever and seemed to become slightly crazy (more than normal anyway). I began walking around the apartment complex aimlessly pacing, debating whether I should go back there and talk to him again. I argued with myself. "Go talk to him"................"No, that's an AWFUL idea! You'll seem so weak!"...... At one point I convinced myself to go inside and see him but luckily his front door was locked, but then I just went around the back to see if I could knock on his window, but I couldn't remember which window was his. Yes, I was in a bad place.

 

Anyway, I finally came to my senses and decided that I would talk to him, but I would call him like an adult. So I did.

 

Me: "Hey, can we talk for a minute?"

Ex: "Sure."

"Ok, i'm outside"

*Door opens seconds later*

"Come on in"

 

So I come inside and we finally had a heart to heart conversation. I decided to open my heart and let him know just how much I cared and loved him. I honestly didn't think this would lead to any kind of reconciliation - I just wanted him to know my feelings before we said goodbye. I told him that I greatly, greatly had valued the relationship. I said that even though we both had our issues as individuals, I loved him enough that I was willing to work through any of them. I said that when I spoke to people about the breakup, despite people telling me that I better just forget this and move on, I still loved him just as much. I asked him if his loss of love for me had anything to do with ME or anything I did, or if it was all him and his own issues. He said without a doubt, it was all him. He said that it doesn't matter who he would've been with, either way, he couldn't have continued a love relationship with any person right now.

 

I told him that I realized he had never really had close relationships with other people, including friends and family. His relationships tend to be very non-emotional and on the surface. Full of fun, but void of deep conversation and connection. He said I was the first person he felt he had a deeper connection with and truly loved, but the feeling only lasted so long. He reaffirmed that he doesn't love me anymore. He said he felt I could find someone else who could give me everything I needed that he can't. I asked if things could be different for us in the future and he said "yes, they could." We agreed that we don't know what the future holds, but I truly have little to no hope. It's truly over and there is no way of knowing whether he will ever be able to maintain a close romantic relationship, or even if he can, if it would be with me.

 

The other parts of the conversation were nice. We talked like friends who cared about each other very much. He held my hand and wiped my tears away. When I asked what he sees when he looks at me, he said he sees someone that he cares about and wants in his life. He really wanted me to stay in his life in some form and encouraged me to contact him if I ever need anything at all, and wanted me to call him soon to tell him whether my feelings had changed about being friends. I told him again that I just can't be his friend, it would be too painful. He said he understood. We had a really long hug, relived a few memories, had some bittersweet smiles and laughs, then parted ways. He asked if he would never see me again. I said it was up to him, because if he ever wanted to revisit our relationship romantically, I would be willing and open to it if I'm available. At that, I left.

 

Since then I've fallen into a pitiful depression. During the conversation with my ex he also mentioned that a friend of a friend that we had hung out with many times before tried to call me the day after the break up. I didn't know at the time it was her, so I called the number back today. Found out that my ex had contacted her, wanting her to call me to find out if I was ok and if we could be friends. Apparently he was extremely down while talking with her. Of course by the time I talked with her on the phone my ex and I had already talked, but I did speak with her for a few minutes about the relationship. She said that whenever we all hung out, he was always extremely hyper all the time. She called it "high happy." He does get like that a lot, especially with stimulation from other people like friends and outings. She also said it seems like he drowns his emotions out with extreme happiness (perhaps, on the surface kind of happiness) while I take a lot of time to think about my emotions and my feelings, and I act accordingly. That was pretty on point. Basically just told her what went down with him today and made sure to say how much I still love me, partly because I really do and partly in case she ever speaks to him about the conversation. She suggested we hang out soon, without my ex being there of course.

 

Since the conversation with my ex earlier I've been a train wreck - crying at random times as I remember various things about the relationship, reading tons of threads on this site and surfing other websites about break ups and second chances. There honestly could be a zero percent chance that my ex and I will ever reunite, but I seem to refuse to totally eliminate the hope. It's probably too soon for that though. Anyway, hopefully soon I will be able to regain some of my functionality. The ex is now out of my life totally - I was courageous enough to reject friendship so that I can actually heal, but I have to go through the nasty withdrawal first. I hope that with time the pain will lessen, and maybe I'll even get over this. Anyway, for now I'm going to watch tv, surf the net and try to be kind to myself. I guess I'm trying to realize that he knows I really loved him, and I know that I wasn't anything but myself throughout the relationship, so what do I have ti regret? I can probably think of all sorts of things in my head if I try, but honestly I always had the best intentions and when I made mistakes, I always apologized when I realized I made mistakes, and I always made every effort to show my ex that he was loved. Nothing left to do now but try and live my life.... Cheers.

[DontWorryBHappy]

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention my attempt at going out tonight. I was convinced to play pool with my brother and his friend that I've met before, and I was hardly impressive. Could barely hold a smile the whole evening. His friend told me to go cheer up when it was time to leave (he said it with concern though). I guess sometimes you can be so sad that you don't see the point in trying to hide it, because that doesn't seem to even matter.

 

Something I'm repeating to myself: When he said, "I couldn't love ANYONE". Meaning, he stopped loving me because he can't maintain a love relationship, not because of ME.

 

I'm just so freaking sad. It really seemed like he loved me before we broke up, I guess he just DIDN'T... which I still find hard to believe. This is a large pill, and I can't swallow it yet.

 

Edit: Ok so I just re-read this part in my opening post: " Basically just told her what went down with him today and made sure to say how much I still love me". Of course I meant to say, how much I still love HIM, not me. Well, I guess I'm learning to love me. Will be more careful about editing typos next time.

Edited April 26, 2011 by DontWorryBHappy

[Duckduckgoose]

Just keep posting, its gonna help you a lot. You did the right thing telling the ex you can't be friends with him.

[DontWorryBHappy]

Thanks DDG, and thanks for dropping in.

 

Tonight has been a marathon of thinking about my ex. Over the past few days I've basically just thought and thought and thought about the whole situation until I eventually become so exhausted that I fall asleep. I also rehashed things so much that my mom got majorly pissed off at me on the phone tonight.

 

I've been having a TERRIBLE time struggling with the blame game. And I mean, blaming myself. Thinking that maybe there are things I did to cause this break up, even though my ex told me he was 100% sure it was all because he lacks the capacity for long term love right now. Then suddenly I remembered something from the relationship.

 

My ex had invited me to a fundraising event maybe a month ago for a trip to Peru he's going on soon. It was at an apartment complex by the pool. We were about to eat when suddenly my ex disappeared. I looked around and saw that he had gone to sit with some other people, and the other person we came with and I walked over to join him. I felt weird that my ex didn't invite the two of us to sit with him too (later I learned that he had waved us over, but I didn't see it). Anyway, after eating my ex and I decided to get in the pool. It was just the two of us in there, so I was trying to have fun with him, being flirtatious, just trying to have a good time with him. But I swear to you, while I was in the water with him I just felt like something was off. It seemed like he wasn't interested in paying attention to me that much. I was the one that had to initiate the little games we played, and once he got bored of that or whatever, he kinda swam off by himself. It just seemed, although subtle (at least to me), that I was putting more effort into paying attention to him. By the time another friend joined us in the pool I was already feeling weird. We played a game of monkey-in-the-middle and I never felt like he really noticed me too much, even when he was throwing me the ball or chasing me for the ball... if that makes any sense. After we got out of the water I was feeling bad, and soon after he told me he'd be right back, then went over to sit with some other people to talk about the Peru details. By then I was definitely feeling really, really weird, and decided to sit away from the group to think.

 

When I expressed the concerns to him he seemed to take it in stride, and we seemed to work it all out and be good. But when I look back on that day, I realize that gut feelings like those were the signs flashing in my face. The reason I felt like he wasn't paying that much attention to me was because he probably WASN'T. And I think it's because of that emotional disconnection that was happening with him.

 

It's kind of like, in the beginning of the relationship he felt he loved me and was excited about me but after time went on the relationship grew through the stages to a more comfortable level, then some of the issues just stood out more. Like the other times when we would go out with friends or to events, and I would have this weird feeling like I wasn't being acknowledged enough by him. I would be there, around him, but he wouldn't make much of an effort to look in my direction, or talk to me directly, or hold my hand. In the beginning I think he was the one to grab my hand, but in the end I was the one trying to reach for his.

 

But we would still have really happy times, and make love, and make out, and a lot of other great things. But I guess gradually the same fire wasn't there. The thing is though, that I don;t think I was the reason for the flame starting to die out. Because I didn't change much from the beginning to the end. And I loved him even more at the end than at the beginning, while he says he didn't love me at all in the end. I'm trying to add up the equation. So, we have someone who admits to getting bored really easily, has difficulty dealing with emotion, and who seems to need a lot of stimulation of various sources to stay content. I'm guessing that all of this combined means that once the relationship starting settling into any amount of routine or even just when it started getting more comfortable, something in him couldn't sustain it. I think that with his limited capacity to develop an intimate emotional relationship, that was A LOT easier for him to accomplish at the very beginning, when things were fresh, than when things starting going further down the line.

 

You know what, I'm starting to wonder if everything I'm writing right now is bull****. I'm just desperately trying to understand and be ok. Good night.

[dreamingoftigers]

The good ole' coping log, it ain't BS, it'll help you put the pieces together.

[DontWorryBHappy]

Thanks DOT, I think you are right about that. Once again I kept thinking until I fell asleep last night. And this morning, as I naturally continue to try and put the pieces together, more things keep popping into my head.

 

There were signs that he didn't understand how to know what people were feeling inside. I remember back in the very beginning we were walking together to the lake, and we saw this girl in front of us with pretty, blonde curly hair. Suddenly he said "Excuse me!" to get the girl's attention, then said "Oh, nevermind" to her after she had turned her head toward us. I was like, "What was that all about??" and he goes, "I wanted to see if she was pretty." Of course, being his girlfriend, I thought this was really strange and bothersome. He told me that a lot of people with pretty hair have pretty faces, and he's an artist so he likes to paint those kinds of people. He apologized for making me feel weird, assuring me that I was the most important thing. But that was one case of his awkward moments with random people (there were MANY) and a case of him saying something that he didn't realize would make someone else feel strange (me).

 

Speaking of that, I'm gona do a compilation of the things I remember him doing that would make random strangers feel weird so maybe you all (and myself) can understand this better:

 

- Once I was meeting up with him at our school for an event. I was excited about seeing him, and saw him walk in the room, but before he saw me he randomly started waving at a group of girls a couple of times. The thing is, he didn't actually KNOW these girls, but he often would wave or talk to people he didn't know in an excessive way, which made me feel weird.

 

- Whenever we would go to a counter (like a Subway counter) to order food he would often times try to talk to the people making the food about things that they really didn't want to talk about. There was one girl who looked kind of stern, probably just was having another long day at work, but he looked at her and said, "You look sad." She said nothing. He said, "Are you sad?". Again, she said nothing. I think he continued trying to communicate with her for a minute or so without getting much response from her, as I cringed to myself. He also would kind of play a little "joke" and would begin trying to order things that weren't even on the menu, probably because he was just attempting to get a reaction out of people. Looking back on that specifically, it seems like he needed constant stimulation, because that prevented him from bring bored, which prevented him from thinking or being a deeper person....

 

- We were standing or sitting somewhere, I dont even know where, and he turned to this girl next to us and said "I don't like your purse." I couldn't believe he said that. Who turns to a stranger and says they dont like something about them? The girl gave an uncomfortable response, something like, "Uhhh ok...." and he just said "Well, I don't."

 

- We were standing by a bus stop when a car pulls up to the stop light. Again, he waves at a random stranger in a car that he doesn't know at all, and if that wasn't enough... he suddenly shouts "CAN I HAVE A RIDE???" right before she drives off. After that I kinda just looked at him in a way that said, "What the heck was that?"

 

- We were walking to an ice cream place around a college campus on a weekend night, so lots of people were out drinking. There was a girl sitting in the parking lot talking on her phone. Suddenly my ex was like "Heeeeyyyy how are you doin tonight?????" again in a way that was excessively friendly toward a total stranger. She was like, "Are you drunk?"

 

- Once we were walking on the sidewalk by the lake (this was toward the very beginning of the relationship) when I first noticed his habit of being excessively friendly to strangers. A stranger walked by us and he greeted them in a way that would probably scare a lot of people because again, it was excessive. I was just like, "Why do you try to talk to people you dont know like you know them?" and he just said he likes people and encouraged me to try it. So this guy was running by us and I tried to do the same thing, but I kinda felt like a fool. LOL. Anyway, after that my ex saw a girl working on something at a bench, and went up to her. He goes, "What are you working on?" and she REAALLLYYY AWKWARDLY says "homework...." He tried to maintain a painful conversation with her for about a minute or so, but it was SO obvious that she was really uncomfortable talking to him.

 

- These weren't strangers to him, but it was weird nonetheless. He got a call from someone at his dance group. The girl started saying that she and a couple other people felt he was dancing with them in a way that was way too friendly. They explained various details about what that meant like pulling the girls too close to him and whispering stuff in their ears. I overheard the call, and became upset. Later I learned that he hadn't danced with them while we were together. He felt really sad that he made me upset though. I'm just mentioning this one because it had to do with people he knew.

 

- He was an art student for a while, and one day he got called into his adviser's office. His adviser told him that she had gotten complaints that he was being too friendly toward people. She said if he doesn't tone it down, he won't be allowed to continue in the department!!! That was a while ago, but wow, I've never heard of someone being called into their department to be told they were being too open or friendly with people.

 

There are even more examples, but I'll stop here. I guess someone like this really was unable to tap into how to act around people, and how people must feel when he says or does certain things. So how could he have comforted me when I was sad about something? Or talked to me about real problems? He always struggled with it, and I know it's because of these reasons.

 

I remember a time that I was depressed. It was just a bad week for me and I became severely depressed. I wanted to talk to my ex about it, but he grew increasingly frustrated that nothing he said seemed to make any difference. I think it was because he was trying to "get rid of the problem" rather than just being comforting. After a little bit he got so frustrated that he said he needed to leave to go somewhere, and was about to leave me alone in tears. Suddenly he decided not to leave, just before going out the door, and reluctantly came back and tried to get us to go to sleep. I remember laying there with him, tears in my eyes. He tried to sleep but I couldn't understand why he wasn't able to simply say something like "Tell me how you feel baby" or "We all sometimes have moments like these" and maybe hold my hand or stroke my back, anything. I guess the lack of comfort felt lonely sometimes.

 

I remember him saying things to me like "I'll do anything to not be bored" and "I talk to a lot of people, but I won't remember their names, and I won't truly care about them or what they're saying. But they think I do." I guess I just thought these were little quirks about him, but I suppose these things really are pretty odd. I guess with this being who he is, whatever love or feeling he had for me toward the beginning just couldn't be sustained through all of life's real issues. His view of life was too different from mine, or even most people's.

 

All that said, I miss him. Time to start my day...

[DontWorryBHappy]

He just called and texted to give me my stuff back. I told him to drop it by the door.

[DontWorryBHappy]

If I EVER remember anything from this, it needs to be this right here (taken from http://baggagereclaim.co.uk:

 

"The way someone chooses to dump someone and leave, has nothing to do with the “dumpee” or the “feelings of the dumper” it’s say so much more about WHO THE DUMPER IS, and their own “life pattern” then it does about you… a break up is difficult enough and when the person leaving you is a “worthwhile mature sincere person” they usually meet with you face to face, shed some tears, and express sincere remorse and reasons as to why they feel they can not stay in the relationship”.. if this type of ending does not take place, and they just dump, run, and start a new relationship..well then you can “thank god” they left you..because it’s most likely this pattern in THIER LIFE will be repeated, over and over again….

The most healing thing for you to do is to NOT take it PERSONALLY, but to take it “practically” that it’s just the “way” the dumper is emotionally immature, irresponsible, and not loyal, long lasting relationship quality… they are the type that love “newness” and once it gets old and they are required to be emotionally authentic and responsible they run… and thank god they do….

 

 

Many people who end relationships this way very likely suffered from emotional neglect as a child and never emotionally matured into an adult. It’s like dating someone with the mind of a 5 year old child. They have the body and mental capacity of an adult but the emotional level of a child. They were emotionally neglected by their parents and never learned how to mature. Imagine a little girl playing with a toy. She throws it down for the new toy and never looks back, without any thought or compassion for the old toy. Would you expect a five year old to sit down and rationally discuss a relationship? Of course not. They are not capable and nether is your ex. They typically can not handle any type of responsibility and go through life attaching and detaching to people, never being able to truly maintain a functional long lasting mature relationship. When they hurt people, they can’t even comprehend what they have done. Does a child feel bad when they say, “I hate you?” It’s a psyche that normal functioning people can’t even understand. Many go from job to job never being able to keep one for any long period of time. Drug and alcohol abuse or other such issues are common. The sudden dumping usually occurs when some dynamic within the realtionship changes. (getting married, moving in together, being confronted about the drugs or alcohol, demanding they find a job, making a committment, etc). They run scared because their partner has asked them to grow up and it terrifies them because they never learned how to grow up. So they sabotage the relationship. They close the door on you and never look back. And cruelly leave you without any answers. When someone treats you like this, it is some of the worst pain and suffering a human being can ever experience. And you have done nothing to deserve this and remember, it has nothing to do with you. Their problems are completely independent of you. Sadly, they will repeat this pattern throughout their life and never achieve true happiness with anyone. The person after you is not gonna get a better deal, trust me! You are better off without this person in your life and being a mature adult, you will be able to heal from your pain and go on and find true happiness with…"

 

He was Mr. Unemotional and I was Ms. Emotional. He never really could express or understand emotion, which caused some problems. And I always expressed my emotion, which also sometimes caused problems. But in the end, since I expressed and understood emotions I was able to love him all the way through. He was emotionally detached from the world, and therefore unable to maintain love for someone.

 

I think I have this figured out now....

Edited April 26, 2011 by DontWorryBHappy

[DontWorryBHappy]

Really tired of the dark cloud I'm still living under. Each day that passes I wake up slightly better (so it appears) but then I continue to think about him non-stop. I keep thinking all sorts of things, like maybe I should've been more fun, or more optimistic, or this or that. A big part of me still doesn't understand it... It wasn't perfect but I truly felt a connection to him, a sense of belonging. It feels like we should've made it even if things got routine or whatever. I think all relationships go through phases, but why did it have to END? Sigh, I know I need to get over this. It's really damn hard though. I think I've reached the point where I no longer feel a desire to talk to other people about it. Because after a little bit, the people you talked about it with will start feeling like you need to shut up, then the only choices are to annoy them further or hide it within yourself. Please God, make this feeling go away and give me some kind of clarity and happiness.....

[DontWorryBHappy]

I think when you're in this process you start to notice changes in yourself really slowly. Sometimes it's so slowly that you wonder if you're actually changing at all. I feel like it must be the power of sleep.... sleep has a funny way of healing you, because if I felt like crap at some point then I sleep, for whatever reason I could wake up feeling noticeably better. But as for the topic at hand.... I realized something else today. I don't know how many of you have seen the Notebook. After they broke up and found each other years later, there was one part where he said despite all her issues (her stubbornness, and the fact that she is a real pain sometimes, and that they argued a lot) he still wanted her with all his heart. He knew she wasn't perfect, but that didn't sway him away from her.

 

Yes, I know that's just a movie, but there are many real life examples of that kind of thing too, including one I can think of here at LoveShack. A year or so ago I read a Coping Log during a different break up I was going through from a user by the name of Rearden Metal. If you search his username here, you'll be glad you did. Anyway, he kept talking about how much of a pain his ex was, about how she was often horrible to him and would over-question him, accuse him of things, say all kinds of things that showed she was insecure..... but still he consistently said how much he still loved her, unquestionably. Eventually after months they actually got back together, worked together to improve their relationship, and are now planning their marriage!

 

So I guess my point is, I'm starting to forget about why it is that my ex stopped loving me, because I know that it doesn't matter. Because even if it didn't have ANYTHING to do with me and it really was because he doesn't have the CAPACITY to love someone else long term, that's not the kind of person I could be with. And even if it WAS me and he just got tired of some things I was doing, or if I was turning him off in some way, I know that the right guy would have stayed and worked it out with me because of his love for me... not fall out of love with me and leave. The sooner I can start keeping this in my head, the better off I'll be.

 

I bolded that because it's so damn important. For me and anyone else in this situation. Thanks for reading, if anyone is.

Edited April 27, 2011 by DontWorryBHappy