Lil1 Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 So a couple of weekends ago I was at a friend’s party and I told a friend of a friend that I liked him even though I knew he has a gf. I posted this story here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t274122/ (and received many angry responses!) if you care to read it. So this past Saturday I got a call from him (he got my number from one of our mutual friends) and we met up for drinks later that evening. We had a very open and sincere conversation with each other. He confessed that he has thought about me often and has entertained the idea of being in a relationship with me, however he had no clue that I liked him until I told him a couple of weekends ago! He thought that I was just having a little fun with him and enjoying the flirtation between us but he knows that I just got my heart broken not too long ago so he didn’t think I would be interested in starting another relationship right now. He also admitted that he felt pressured by his current SO to give their relationship the bf/gf title but he doesn’t really feel that strongly about her and suspects that she still maintains a lot of contact with her ex. For my part, I profusely apologized for having been so forward with him and expressed deep regret if I ruined anything between him and his new gf. He told me that the way he feels about her really has nothing to do with me and that he felt very flattered and still does! So naturally our next question to each other was “what happens next?” After having had some time to revaluate my actions and feelings, I admitted to him that he is right, I still feel hurt from my previous relationship so a relationship may not be the best thing for me right now as I still need time for myself to fully heal. He completely understood (he also had a terrible break up a couple of years ago), but asked if we could hang out more and get to know each other as friends and see how that goes. I happily agreed and we spent the rest of our time just chatting about random things and enjoying each other’s company. So the lesson I learned after my drunken confession? … speak from the heart and live in the moment because if you never take chances you may miss out on something good. I have gained a friend and I’m looking forward to developing this new friendship
thatdog Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 Except he was already your friend to begin with and if he is still with his gf he has basically just initiated an emotional affair. I'm afraid I still think your telling him before was a bad idea and what you are doing now is an even worse one. IMO it is immoral. You are both hurting his gf and unless he breaks up with her immediately is most likely going to lead to all kinds of difficulties and heartache for everyone involved.
Jazzari Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 Telling him at the party - great idea! Having this conversation - Awesome! Starting a "friendship" - Uh....hell no. Neither of you want to be just friends if I'm reading you right. So your friendship WILL evolve and....then what?? You may not plan it, but the temptation will be huge and I bet he will end up cheating on his gf. Leave it alone if you're not ready. Or better yet, he should break up with his gf now. Since he's not that into her, that would be the best thing, imho. Then you can be friends and see where it goes.
spiderowl Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 Sounds a bit dodgy to me, being a close friend to someone already in a relationship, especially as you've both confessed you are interested in each. I suppose if neither of you are free from past ghosts to enter into a new relationship, then it's difficult to know what you do want to do. If you want to be with him, however, and he wants to be with you, then he should end it with his girlfriend and you should make sure he is clear about the status with you. I feel for his girl, who is oblivious to this, but if he's not that into her she's better off without him in the long term. What you don't want to do is to end up in an emotional affair with him which never turns into a proper public relationship because he is the kind of guy who will dabble behind his girlfriend's back. I'd make sure he was up front and honest with everyone before getting involved with this guy.
veggirl Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 Totally shady!! Does his gf know that you guys are embarking on this new magical "friendship" ? Will she be invited to hang out too?
Nexus One Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 Neither of you want to be just friends if I'm reading you right. So your friendship WILL evolve and....then what?? You may not plan it, but the temptation will be huge and I bet he will end up cheating on his gf. Leave it alone if you're not ready. Or better yet, he should break up with his gf now. Since he's not that into her, that would be the best thing, imho. Then you can be friends and see where it goes. I agree with this. There's a big chance that you'll both end up in a situation where you won't be able to control yourself and he'll end up cheating on his girlfriend with you, even if you both didn't intend to initially.
NoMagicBullet Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 Well, if you're going to bail on your other thread because you didn't like how the tide had turned against you, and you insist on following through with this "friendship", I suggest posting in The Other Man/Woman forum here on LS. You might find the sympathetic ears you were intially seeking.
soulm8 Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 I agree with NoMagicBullet. I hope you DO end up together... you're a perfect match. Deceitful and selfish.
Professor X Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 Telling him at the party - great idea! Having this conversation - Awesome! Starting a "friendship" - Uh....hell no. Neither of you want to be just friends if I'm reading you right. So your friendship WILL evolve and....then what?? You may not plan it, but the temptation will be huge and I bet he will end up cheating on his gf. Leave it alone if you're not ready. Or better yet, he should break up with his gf now. Since he's not that into her, that would be the best thing, imho. Then you can be friends and see where it goes. I also agree with Jazzari. I also, if you remember, agreed with what you did in your previous post, but this... this is just a no-no. From what I read, you both got feelings for each other, as weak as they may seem, so engaging a "friendship" will only strengthen them, which will lead into an emotional affair. I suggest you both step back.
Author Lil1 Posted April 28, 2011 Author Posted April 28, 2011 *Sighhhh* I concede. You guys are right. I should not be friends with him knowing that we are both physically attracted to each other and he has a gf. It's wrong and even though my intentions may be sincere as far as wanting a friendship (since I really do enjoy his company and we have never really been friends, we just share mutual friends), it is unfair to his gf to pursue a vulnerable friendship with him, like Nexus One pointed out. He called me last night and I realized that I really don't want to get invloved in anything this complicated with him. Better to leave things as they are rather then dig myself into a deeper hole and possibly fall in love with him. I told him that as much as I'd love to be his friend it's better if we just leave things as they are and just share friends for now because I don't want to start off on such a rocky basis. I want to thank the posters that provided me with some constructive critisism and I appreciate your advice. I have to be honest, I was surprised at the amount of angry replies I got. I admit I was a bit defensive at first and it is because I felt no ill intentions towards his gf, I was coming from a sincere place where I wanted to be honest and upfront with him but there are some things better left unsaid even though I was getting all the right 'signals' from him... by the way soulm8 you are the first person I have put on my ignore list lol! - your comment was rude and not constructive in the least:mad:. Oh, and no magic bullet, I didn't realize it's against the rules to start a new thread especially when it's an update to a previous thread... by no means were you obligated to respond to this one:rolleyes:. Still though, even rude or unwarranted comments are all part of the LS learning experience, and I appreciate all of you taking the time to read about my 'relationship blunders' and provide me with your insight!
DollyGirl12 Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 If he's a mature, well centered man he will end things with his current SO before even considering embarking on a relationship with another. The "friend" thing sounds like he could possibly have 2 things going at one time, which would be truly unfair to her. A good saying that pretty much rings true and you should keep in mind: "if they cheat with you, they will cheat on you".
Kelemort Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 We all know what this 'friendship' actually is. Whether it's physically cheating or an emotional affair, he should never be confessing to a potential rival that he's not all that thrilled about the relationship. Tell him if he's not ready to end it with her, you're not ready to be around him.
DollyGirl12 Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 *Sighhhh* I concede. You guys are right. I should not be friends with him knowing that we are both physically attracted to each other and he has a gf. It's wrong and even though my intentions may be sincere as far as wanting a friendship (since I really do enjoy his company and we have never really been friends, we just share mutual friends), it is unfair to his gf to pursue a vulnerable friendship with him, like Nexus One pointed out. He called me last night and I realized that I really don't want to get invloved in anything this complicated with him. Better to leave things as they are rather then dig myself into a deeper hole and possibly fall in love with him. I told him that as much as I'd love to be his friend it's better if we just leave things as they are and just share friends for now because I don't want to start off on such a rocky basis. I want to thank the posters that provided me with some constructive critisism and I appreciate your advice. I have to be honest, I was surprised at the amount of angry replies I got. I admit I was a bit defensive at first and it is because I felt no ill intentions towards his gf, I was coming from a sincere place where I wanted to be honest and upfront with him but there are some things better left unsaid even though I was getting all the right 'signals' from him... by the way soulm8 you are the first person I have put on my ignore list lol! - your comment was rude and not constructive in the least:mad:. Oh, and no magic bullet, I didn't realize it's against the rules to start a new thread especially when it's an update to a previous thread... by no means were you obligated to respond to this one:rolleyes:. Still though, even rude or unwarranted comments are all part of the LS learning experience, and I appreciate all of you taking the time to read about my 'relationship blunders' and provide me with your insight! Also, I really think this is very smart of you. First, if he knows he's attracted to you, what does this tell you about him knowing he's involved with someone else? For me, it would be a complete turnoff. Second, yes, your feelings probably would get involved and how would it make you feel knowing there were 2 of you women in the picture? At some point it would start hurting. Now, should things with his relationship not work out, and you feel he is ready to move on, then there would be nothing wrong with that, at that point in time.
LittleMaya Posted April 28, 2011 Posted April 28, 2011 *Sighhhh* I concede. You guys are right. I should not be friends with him knowing that we are both physically attracted to each other and he has a gf. It's wrong and even though my intentions may be sincere as far as wanting a friendship (since I really do enjoy his company and we have never really been friends, we just share mutual friends), it is unfair to his gf to pursue a vulnerable friendship with him, like Nexus One pointed out. He called me last night and I realized that I really don't want to get invloved in anything this complicated with him. Better to leave things as they are rather then dig myself into a deeper hole and possibly fall in love with him. I told him that as much as I'd love to be his friend it's better if we just leave things as they are and just share friends for now because I don't want to start off on such a rocky basis. I totally wish I had done this a year ago. Now I'm moving in with the guy I "stayed friends with", his new girlfriend, and another guy. I'm screwed. Let that be a lesson to all!
Gisele Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 it's slightly off-topic but i agree with most of the people here. My problem is that about a month ago, i admitted to my ex i still had feelings for him, that i knew he was in a new relationship and i didnt want to interfere but i felt i should be honest He did the right thing and gently told me he wants to be friends but he's happy in his new relationship, and that he wont tell his new gf i said anything The thing is, i dont know what came over me. Selfishness, i guess. He had been speaking to me in a flirtatious manner, and even he admitted he was being inappropriate, and i still went ahead and said it I cant stop being eaten up from guilt (the embarrassment i dont mind so much) from being that type of girl. I apologised the next day, thanked him for being kind and wished them both the best. He responded nicely. I dont plan on speaking to him again, whether he initiates or not The thing is, i have to see them everyday, and i cant stop feeling guilty for my thoughtless behaviour. I think im more disappointed in myself than anything is there anything more i can do to stop feeling like saying it has made me a bad person? :-(
blueskyday Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 Yeah, it's called the big freeze out. Will work for the OP, too. Simply blow cold air towards the guys. Act socially polite, and friendly, but like you would to a stranger or business associate. Your energy and body language will come across and be read that way by all...
blueskyday Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 Sorry for double post, but wanted to add: I'm sure you have already learned this, but never tell a guy with a girlfriend that you like him. No poaching on another woman's territory, and it just makes good guys uncomfortable and bad guys tempted....not fair either way...
Curious-One Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 Thats cool and all but do you really want a guy who goes behind his gf's back and tries to date another girl. I dont care what he said he still has a gf and has hung out w you with the sole purpose of ditching his gf and getting it on with you. This time he is doing it to her...what makes you think he wont do it to you?
Gisele Posted May 6, 2011 Posted May 6, 2011 Thanks Blueskyday. A time machine would be the best solution! But i think that makes sense: making myself as invisible as possible to both of them is the best way to handle things i think i did the best i could do in terms of damage-control by apologising to him, saying it was inappropriate, wishing them the best and making a strict vow to myself to never contact him again, or respond to his . Ive definitely learnt my lesson. not least from the embarrassment. i dont even have a desire to speak to him anymore due to the guilt, ive always been a girl's girl and im ashamed of what ive done. Particularly because he's keeping it from her, which is the right thing to do as it's just food for arguments, but it feels like a secret now I really hope ill eventually stop feeling guilty and just look at it as an important lesson learned the hard way Thanks again for your input
Author Lil1 Posted August 10, 2011 Author Posted August 10, 2011 So I was hanging out with my friend a couple of weeks ago and she told me that this guy that this thread is originally about ended up hooking up with his baby's mama and his girlfriend dumped him as a result. Wow what a friggin mess I avoided!!! Definitely a close call. Thank you LS people for giving me some good (though harsh sometimes) advice. He had tried calling me a couple times but I always missed them and didn't bother to return his calls since I had made up my mind (thanks to LS counseling) that this is one situation I should avoid. During the interim of all this I briefly dated a guy who had kids and HE also ended up being shady and lying to me about his baby mama. I think that's also part of the reason why I didn't bother calling THIS guy back. Don't think I will date men with kids EVER. Baby mama drama:rolleyes:. NEXT! --------------------- Gisele how are things going with you? I hope you are doing better!
Leumas Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 Good lesson for all those who have the desire to steal away someone else's partner. Like someone else said "he'll cheat on you too."
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