Desperate

April 25, 2011

Hi All. A buddy of mine posts around here and told me all you ladies and gents might provide me with some helpful guidance. After reading through some posts I agree and I am excited for some advice!

So here it goes! My age: 26, Her age: 28, very conservative and a virgin (becaue of religion). We have been dating for a little over a year. The relationship has been awesome but since she is so green at relationships (this is her first real relationship) I can get a little pushy. When I say pushy I don't mean pushy about sex. I have never once pushed the issue and I am fine taking it slow and being patient. But she has a hard time expressing her feelings to me and that can be an issue. I know she cares but I just ask her to remind me of it once in awhile :-). Anyways, a bit more about her: She is a corporate lawyer and very career driven. She has been working on a merger this month and has been stressed beyond anything I have seen. Being an idiot I wanted to talk about the relationship. This turned into her venting at me about the little things that bother her. I told her lets flesh this stuff out and move forward. She said she didn't know if that is something she wants to do but also said she isn't sure she wants to breakup either. She basically said I need space and time to figure this out because she couldn't think clearly because of her merger. She started crying and told me once the merger was over she would call me with an answer. Being an understanding gent I agreed and went NC.

It has been 3 weeks NC and of course I miss her everyday. But the kicker is this: she lives with my best friend (a girl), which is how we met. My girlfriend has been working 17 hour days trying to get this deal done so my friend and her haven't had much time to talk but they work at the same corp so they do talk a bit about it. My best friend has told me to wait for her and is confident that she will come back to me and that she still cares. Apparently, one night after work they went for drinks and she opened up. After one drink she said she missed me so much and could see us getting back together. After another drink she was trying to hack into my friend's facebook to see my profile and read our messages. I also hear she has been using other mutual friend's accounts to see what I am up to. My friend also told me that she opened up to the company therapist and told her that she didn't have to have a break because she was stressed and admitted that she broke up with me because of work stress and that it wasn't fair. On top of that some of her college friends came to visit and said they had heard she has a boyfriend. Instead of saying she was single or we were broken up she told them that yes we were together. Her friends were all girls. I also had a big performance (I am a jazz pianist) and I was told she was really upset she couldn't be there. She also constantly asks my friend if she should call me.

Ok if you made it this far here is my dilemma! I of course love her to death but this anxiety is killing me, I can't wait around much longer. In your opinion what is going on in her damn head? Is it worth waiting to see if she comes around? Or should I just call her up and put a stop to this, end it on my terms? I trust my friend and she would never tell me things that aren't true, in fact in the beginning of NC her advice to me was just move on and that she had no idea what my gf would decide in the end...now all of the sudden she is very positive about the future of me and my gf and says I should wait (although she says she doesn't want me to hold it against her if things work out). Does it sound like she is leaning on coming around to me?

Thanks a bunch and I am so sorry if this is disjointed in anyway. I was up 'till 4am playing a gig. Thanks again!

April 25, 2011

Hi All. A buddy of mine posts around here and told me all you ladies and gents might provide me with some helpful guidance. After reading through some posts I agree and I am excited for some advice!

So here it goes! My age: 26, Her age: 28, very conservative and a virgin (becaue of religion). We have been dating for a little over a year. The relationship has been awesome but since she is so green at relationships (this is her first real relationship) I can get a little pushy. When I say pushy I don't mean pushy about sex. I have never once pushed the issue and I am fine taking it slow and being patient. But she has a hard time expressing her feelings to me and that can be an issue. I know she cares but I just ask her to remind me of it once in awhile :-). Anyways, a bit more about her: She is a corporate lawyer and very career driven. She has been working on a merger this month and has been stressed beyond anything I have seen. Being an idiot I wanted to talk about the relationship. This turned into her venting at me about the little things that bother her. I told her lets flesh this stuff out and move forward. She said she didn't know if that is something she wants to do but also said she isn't sure she wants to breakup either. She basically said I need space and time to figure this out because she couldn't think clearly because of her merger. She started crying and told me once the merger was over she would call me with an answer. Being an understanding gent I agreed and went NC.

It has been 3 weeks NC and of course I miss her everyday. But the kicker is this: she lives with my best friend (a girl), which is how we met. My girlfriend has been working 17 hour days trying to get this deal done so my friend and her haven't had much time to talk but they work at the same corp so they do talk a bit about it. My best friend has told me to wait for her and is confident that she will come back to me and that she still cares. Apparently, one night after work they went for drinks and she opened up. After one drink she said she missed me so much and could see us getting back together. After another drink she was trying to hack into my friend's facebook to see my profile and read our messages. I also hear she has been using other mutual friend's accounts to see what I am up to. My friend also told me that she opened up to the company therapist and told her that she didn't have to have a break because she was stressed and admitted that she broke up with me because of work stress and that it wasn't fair. On top of that some of her college friends came to visit and said they had heard she has a boyfriend. Instead of saying she was single or we were broken up she told them that yes we were together. Her friends were all girls. I also had a big performance (I am a jazz pianist) and I was told she was really upset she couldn't be there. She also constantly asks my friend if she should call me.

Ok if you made it this far here is my dilemma! I of course love her to death but this anxiety is killing me, I can't wait around much longer. In your opinion what is going on in her damn head? Is it worth waiting to see if she comes around? Or should I just call her up and put a stop to this, end it on my terms? I trust my friend and she would never tell me things that aren't true, in fact in the beginning of NC her advice to me was just move on and that she had no idea what my gf would decide in the end...now all of the sudden she is very positive about the future of me and my gf and says I should wait (although she says she doesn't want me to hold it against her if things work out). Does it sound like she is leaning on coming around to me?

Thanks a bunch and I am so sorry if this is disjointed in anyway. I was up 'till 4am playing a gig. Thanks again!

I would continue no contact if I were you, she broke it off, now she needs to miss you enough to come back to you. I know you get the urge to call, but I think it would be best to let her make any further moves.

Hope that helps, good luck Man!

April 25, 2011

Thanks Scorpio6913! It is hard but I am trying my very best to wait this storm out. In your (or anyone who has any input) opinion does her post break actions indicate she might be leaning towards coming back?

I have been broken up with a lot and have never really experienced so many mixed signals.

April 25, 2011

Thanks Scorpio6913! It is hard but I am trying my very best to wait this storm out. In your (or anyone who has any input) opinion does her post break actions indicate she might be leaning towards coming back?

I have been broken up with a lot and have never really experienced so many mixed signals.

It sounds like she is missing you yes, but if & when she does come back, you have to be certain of her motives as it may just be her hurt ego. Do not chase her, stay NC and let her miss & come back to you.

April 25, 2011

What do you mean by hurt ego? It is funny you mention ego because one of the reason I feel like she hasn't contacted me is because of ego and pride and that is one of the reasons I might not pick up when and if she does call.

April 25, 2011

What do you mean by hurt ego? It is funny you mention ego because one of the reason I feel like she hasn't contacted me is because of ego and pride and that is one of the reasons I might not pick up when and if she does call.

Well, first off, I don't believe her excuse for wanting space, as all that was, was an excuse. She admitted to her therapist that she didn't have to break up with you. Obviously there are other reasons that she just would not admit to (I'll leave that up tp you to figure out). Because you so eloquently accepted her "Break"(Which was perfect btw), she became confused by your reaction & is now questioning whether or not she made a mistake. She most likely will break contact in a lame way to test your resolve. That is when you'll have to be vigilant with regards to her true motives (whether she truely loves you or is just going to string you along due to her pride).

April 26, 2011

Hi Confused,

Okay, my take is this: your GF is very neurotic. If you have had a supportive role in her life and a reasonably happy and trustful relationship, she should not need a break from you because she is stressed out at her job. She should be able to balance that stress and know you'd understand. You don't vacate a relationship every time another part of your life hits high alert.

So in doing that in the first place, that's a red flag. You handled it beautifully, BTW, not pushing back on her and not contacting. Just giving her the space she asked for. Brilliant. If she was expecting you to grovel or contact her for a crumb here or there, you didn't sink to that level. Nice going, really.

So here's the deal. What she's doing now is immature, somewhat prideful, and stubborn. I'd wait it out if I were you. To me, if you reach out, it will be like putting your hand on the oven, not knowing if you'll get burned or not, so why would you do that? Don't. She asked for the break, she said she needed to get the merger over with, and she's perfectly capable of contacting you if she wants to take the relationship off hold.

So give it more time. When she contacts you, definitely discuss where you and she stand. If she's this difficult to communicate with, you really need to ask yourself if she's someone you really want to take to the next level, you know?

I can get a little pushy. When I say pushy I don't mean pushy about sex. I have never once pushed the issue and I am fine taking it slow and being patient. But she has a hard time expressing her feelings to me and that can be an issue. I know she cares but I just ask her to remind me of it once in awhile :-).

And this concerns me a bit. If this is her style and you need someone more affectionate and forthcoming, maybe this whole distancing aspect of her personality isn't compatible with what you want in the long run. I don't know, but it's worth thinking about.

You know, someone else would have just shown up at your concert. That's the sort of gesture someone who cared would have done. Not felt bad about it after the fact. So again, think about how compatible you really are, and wait it out. Another week or two is nothing on the grand scale of life, and honestly, she's the one who needs to break the silence she asked for, not you.

You sound absolutely charming, fair minded and sweet, so don't sell yourself short. Why she needed a break is her issue, you just accommodated her. Most women love musicians, BTW, so don't sell yourself short. Love jazz piano, are you kidding me? Good luck and take care.

April 26, 2011

Thank you for the kind words Graceful. There are certainly red flags and I have known about them from the start. She is very immature emotionally despite being a few years my senior. I have been extremely patient with her. For one, I have never pressed her choice to remain a virgin which I think is more than many guys especially in my industry would do. I love who she is a person, her kindness, her smile and the way she makes me feel. But in reality I can only be so patient. I miss her everyday more and more and I know she misses me too. I think her immaturity and confusion masks her emotions and she can't reconcile the two and she takes it out on me. She admitted to her therapist that she took out the merger stress on me and that it wasn't fair. But is realizing it enough?

She told me she would call me the weekend the merger is complete, which is this Friday. But when she does call what do I say? Part of just doesn't want to pick up and leave with the shred of self worth I have left..but I also love her and want to continue to be there for her and help her any way I can. But I also told her that I cannot be in her life as her friend, and that if we part ways I can't be there for her. The wizard of oz said it best "Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable"

April 26, 2011

You're very welcome, confused. Let's see. We agree that she's very immature and does not have a good handle on balancing stress because she's not good at handling her emotions in general. But you do love her and therefore, you don't want to throw out the baby with the bath water, so to speak.

I did like Scorpio's advice, too. That you have to really find out her motivation for getting back with you, if that's what she calls to say at the end of the week.

I love who she is a person, her kindness, her smile and the way she makes me feel. But in reality I can only be so patient. I miss her everyday more and more and I know she misses me too. I think her immaturity and confusion masks her emotions and she can't reconcile the two and she takes it out on me. She admitted to her therapist that she took out the merger stress on me and that it wasn't fair. But is realizing it enough?

Actually, no it's not. Admitting a problem is merely the tip of the iceberg. If she's not willing to work on it, or put effort into altering behavior that is hurtful to you, then no, it's not good enough. She looks at you and gets frustrated because you are willing to do anything to make her happy, when she knows she is not willing to do the same for you. Then, this results in pushing you away. The love you feel for her would erode over time, I mean, who can put up with being pushed away?

But I also told her that I cannot be in her life as her friend, and that if we part ways I can't be there for her. The wizard of oz said it best "Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable"

Well, when she calls, let her do ALL the talking. Then think between now and then, what parameters you want to put on getting back together with her, because you can't just pretend she didn't ask for a break and look at the reasons why. Don't have the discussion over the phone anyhow, you'd have to see her for that. She's the one who has to do the heavy lifting, IMHO. So let her do it. How she handles the aftermath and what she's willing to do to be more loving toward you will tell you what you need to know to continue the relationship. No effort, no change, no relationship. Would love an update if you're up for it later in the week. Until then, best of luck and take care.

April 26, 2011

I just read this great book last night, "Attached," that talks about different people's attachment styles--Secure, Anxious, Avoidant. (Believe it or not, I'm not the author or publicist of this book...I've just been reading Loveshack Forums and the book seems like it could be so helpful for so many people.)

It sounds like your girl has an Avoidant attachment style, where when things get more intimate (I don't mean sexually), she pulls away. Someone like you or me, with a secure or anxious pattern, might lean on our partner more and need less space during a tough time at work. (Also, whatever our convictions, we probably wouldn't wait so long to get intimate, I do mean sexually.)

The cool thing in that book is that it shows how, if you model secure behavior and communication, the Avoidant or Anxious person will often be able to adjust and be more intimate, too. So I suggest that you stay open, honest, and truthful about your needs, without pressuring her, but also without game-playing.

Don't respond to her insecure behavior by getting insecure (self-protective, needy, or defensive) yourself. Instead, clearly state your feelings and needs without laying blame.

April 26, 2011

Thanks once again Graceful! I really appreciate your input you seem to have a clear head on your shoulders :-) I think a lot of her frustration stems from her inexperience. A lot her actions remind me of the rash actions one makes in grade school. She seems to operate dualistically. Either on or off. Perhaps that is part of her training I am not sure, but she tends to see the world in absolutes. She also has avoidance behaviors, things that make her uncomfortable and pose challenges cause her to flee and push. I have been patient with her and she knows this and I think respects it. But at the same time I think I end up playing the doormat. What causes me sleepless nights is wondering and trying to make sense of her actions post break. Telling my best friend she misses me and can see us back together, telling her old college friends we are still a couple, regretting her actions to her therapist and being generally snoopy. I have been dumped before and the majority of them have been clean breaks, the other never looked back until months if not years later. What do you make of that?

Thanks so much again!

April 26, 2011

I just read this great book last night, "Attached," that talks about different people's attachment styles--Secure, Anxious, Avoidant. (Believe it or not, I'm not the author or publicist of this book...I've just been reading Loveshack Forums and the book seems like it could be so helpful for so many people.)

It sounds like your girl has an Avoidant attachment style, where when things get more intimate (I don't mean sexually), she pulls away. Someone like you or me, with a secure or anxious pattern, might lean on our partner more and need less space during a tough time at work. (Also, whatever our convictions, we probably wouldn't wait so long to get intimate, I do mean sexually.)

The cool thing in that book is that it shows how, if you model secure behavior and communication, the Avoidant or Anxious person will often be able to adjust and be more intimate, too. So I suggest that you stay open, honest, and truthful about your needs, without pressuring her, but also without game-playing.

Don't respond to her insecure behavior by getting insecure (self-protective, needy, or defensive) yourself. Instead, clearly state your feelings and needs without laying blame.

Thank you! This actually makes a whole lot of sense. She is always complaining about being pressured into things and certainly tends to avoid everything. I really just had an ah-ha moment. But the question remains, what do I do next? How do I use that knowledge to my advantage and to hers?

April 26, 2011

Get that book from the library! Or order it--"Attached" by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. It has good guidelines for adopting "secure" communication methods, even if your partner has a different style.

Here's the website: http://www.attachedthebook.com

The book gave me a real ah-ha moment in the other direction--my recent ex was the first guy I've been with who had a "secure" style. Usually, relationship self-help books make me feel worse or seem sexist to me...but this one was very helpful.

Their guidelines for effective communication--identifying your real needs and geting them met--include:

Wear your heart on your sleeve...be brave in sharing what you want and need

Focus on your needs (“I need to feel confident in the relationship…”)

Be specific (“When you don’t stay the night, I feel insecure

Don’t blame

Be assertive and nonapologetic (even though, if you have an anxious attachment style, our culture encourages you to believe that many of your needs are illegitimate…whether they’re legitimate or not is not the point, it is about what you want and need to be happy)

Edited April 26, 2011 by Leda

April 27, 2011

Alright gents thanks a bunch! Here is the deal. Her merger is over this friday so I am expecting a call from her. It could go two ways. She either wants it to work OR she doesn't. But my best friend (her flatmate) assures me she will come around but also admits she isn't a mind reader and not to hold it against her if it doesn't go a positive way for the relationship. She is only guessing what will happen based on the things my gf tells her. Obviously she misses me, I don't consider these to be the breadcrumbs since I know my gf doesn't think these bits of information are getting back to me. I've been on the road touring and she thinks I am out of communication with my best mate as I usually am. I sleep all day, play all night. So it is hard to get a hold of me unless you are a night owl when I tour.

So here is my follow up question to you mates: When she does call me up do I risk letting her end it or do I pre-emptively end it before she has a chance to? My biggest fear is that I have been waiting around these past weeks for nothing. I wan't to regain some of my ground and show her she can't just put me on hold whenever she pleases. OR do I let her speak her mind with the possibility of reconciling with her as some of the clues allude to?

April 27, 2011

So here is my follow up question to you mates: When she does call me up do I risk letting her end it or do I pre-emptively end it before she has a chance to? My biggest fear is that I have been waiting around these past weeks for nothing. I wan't to regain some of my ground and show her she can't just put me on hold whenever she pleases. OR do I let her speak her mind with the possibility of reconciling with her as some of the clues allude to?

Why would you pre-emptively break up with her? You want her back, right?

I think you don't play games. If she comes back wanting to work on the relationship, you decide if that is what you want. If it is, then get after it. That is predicated on the idea that she wants the same though.

April 27, 2011

pretty lucky that at least she's open to talking. maybe she can make the changes that you want so things would be able to work out

April 27, 2011

Why would you pre-emptively break up with her? You want her back, right?

I think you don't play games. If she comes back wanting to work on the relationship, you decide if that is what you want. If it is, then get after it. That is predicated on the idea that she wants the same though.

Of course I want her back. But I have been making a big sacrifice for her waiting around while she does her work. At this point I have this ominous feeling that she will ultimately decide she wants out permanently. I feel like if I pre-emptively end it I can show her that these games she plays aren't expectable in an effort to get her to realize her errors. I know she talked to her therapist and came to the realization that she didn't have to take a break from us to focus on her work and that she needs to learn to rely on me for emotional support during stressful times. How else can I get through to her?

April 27, 2011

pretty lucky that at least she's open to talking. maybe she can make the changes that you want so things would be able to work out

That is what I am hoping. I know she is struggling with this and has realized she did wrong. She was very depressed she couldn't attend my show, but she dug this whole for herself. I feel terrible for her and miss her everyday but it seems like she made this bed for herself and doesn't want to sleep in it.

April 27, 2011

is she open to talking about the problems that you had with the relationship?

April 27, 2011

is she open to talking about the problems that you had with the relationship?

It is hard to say. I think theoretically yes. The reason she wanted a break was because we were having small issues. She tends to avoid conflict but gets annoyed really easily when she is stressed. I would do little things that would annoy her (teasing her about something, etc) and she never called me on it so I could do something about it. They built up and when we started talking about the issues it turned into her venting. I told her I would work on those things to make for a more positive relationship. She said she wanted to give me that chance but said that it might just be easier to end the relationship. She said she couldn't give me an answer right now but that she would when the merger was over. But in the interim I have been hearing all these things: that she misses me a lot, that she could us getting back together, that her work was to blame for the relationship, that she checks my facebook all the time and asks every mutual friend about me. She also has a few drinks and tries to call me but my best friend stops her. So, I think she is open to talking about the relationship and the issues but at the time work was too much of a stressor that is made our little issues seem like mountains. When she calms herself down I hope she can look at our relationship as a positive and realize that our issues are really elementary. What opinion do you have on the situation?

April 27, 2011

mine was the same way. let things go until a while later bringing it up and me stumped as to what i did a few weeks ago. she would also get frustrated when talking to me, she felt like we were going round and round which we were but she could never give me an answer for anything. she would always just say i don't know. tough to get things settled when she wont talk to me about anything.would a slow start over work?maybe saying your exclusive and seeing each other once a week but still backing off?

April 27, 2011

mine was the same way. let things go until a while later bringing it up and me stumped as to what i did a few weeks ago. she would also get frustrated when talking to me, she felt like we were going round and round which we were but she could never give me an answer for anything. she would always just say i don't know. tough to get things settled when she wont talk to me about anything.would a slow start over work?maybe saying your exclusive and seeing each other once a week but still backing off?

I understand your plight as well. A key to a great relationship is communication and when that breaks down things build up and anthills become mountains. I think many people just brush off the little things when they should actually just deal with them in the now. My girlfriend is very wishy washy with everything she does, I think she has a lot of self doubt which is why she works so hard to prove herself to everyone. The thing is we only saw each other once or twice a week while we were dating. But we talked to each other everyday, so many text messages and phone calls. I hope a slow ease back into things will be beneficial and something she wants to do. I will wait for her phone call but I really don't know how I will respond. I have this urge to end it because I always fear the worst. I know she is struggling and I am too. How have you been handling things? Also what do you make of what my best friend relays to me?

April 27, 2011

how have i been handling things? terribly to say the least. with the exception of a few slices of ham i haven't eaten in the last two days, i haven't slept that much, im on here all day instead of getting prepared for finals in two weeks and today. i started NC today. so all in all pretty ****ty. but you know i realize that this is all a state of mind and with time its going to get easier. i know everything that i have to do, my brain just has to stop fooling me and get me on the right track. im hopeful that shell txt but not really expecting it from this point on. at least that what im telling myself. its not easy but ive been through this before and i know that there will be better days ahead. with or without her. and i know that despite all my faults that im a really good guy and could have made her happy but it'll be her loss. now i just have to keep telling myself that over and over.

if i was in your shoes though i would take it slow and if you don't see things starting to change then time to move on. as long as you went into it making the changes that you needed to make then you could come out of it with a clear conscience if you dont see the results you want. thats probably the hardest part for me is knowing that i can change what i did wrong.

April 27, 2011

NC is really the best thing you can do. You have to get control of your things inside yourself before you can even try to reconcile with your ex. Before NC who was it that initiated the contact? How long did you guys date?

I agree with you. I think she would be a fool to end things between us right now. She knows that I can't be her friend and that the end will be the end of me in her life for a long time. I am very stubborn and good at sticking to my word which is what has allowed me to go NC. In fact this past week I have been NC with my best friend as well and all mutual friends. I have faith things will turn out for the best and hopefully that means with her. There are plenty of fish in the sea. The thing that throws me for a loop is the mixed signals and things she tells my best friend and her therapist. GO figure

April 27, 2011

what do you mean by before NC? before that we were both kind of txtn when she said wanted a break a week or two ago. just little stuff. i did have a few nights where i broke down and told here my feelings,not beggin and pleading to get back together but more of me telling her everything that i had wanted to but never did. we dated for a little under a year. hard to believe that a year can bring you so close to someone

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