I Just broke contact!! Oh no...

[Anna86]

Hey, so I just broke contact. It has only being a week and I have being so strong. I just emailed him asking him if he is with someone new. I heard a rumor and wanted to clarify it! We both live in the same city and I know I will bump into him (its a small place)...I want to be ready if he is with someone new and not freak out.

 

I feel so silly now and small! This bites. I did so well. But, I just want to know so that it won't ruin my day/night if i see them. I think that it would mess up my recovery.

 

Have I done something dumb?

[JasonRules]

Hey, so I just broke contact. It has only being a week and I have being so strong. I just emailed him asking him if he is with someone new. I heard a rumor and wanted to clarify it! We both live in the same city and I know I will bump into him (its a small place)...I want to be ready if he is with someone new and not freak out.

 

I feel so silly now and small! This bites. I did so well. But, I just want to know so that it won't ruin my day/night if i see them. I think that it would mess up my recovery.

 

Have I done something dumb?

 

 

How old are you?

[MissMoni]

We all have to fall off the wagon a couple of times before staying on it, and this is coming from someone who considers herself the QUEEN of broken no contact. I had a post to yours similar last week...I broke contact after 56 days.

 

What I have come to realize, is that they have already made the choice to leave us, so there's really nothing that we can do that will change how they see us in their minds. You breaking contact still doesn't change the situation - you weren't together before making contact, you're not together breaking contact, and you're still not together after you broke contact. You won't ever know what he is really thinking, but it is probably an ego boost for him. Did he answer your e-mail? Don't feel bad, we all do this. Just remember that it gets easier with time, and continue with NC.

 

You can do it!

[Anna86]

Well, now I feel ever so slightly dreadful that you would question my age. I guess I seem like a teenager?... Perhaps I do sound like one. I am actually in my 20's. But I am just a little unsure of how to react to this situation. I was not ready for this break up, I guess 50percent of people aren't ready!! My heart is still consumed by him. Its a combination of not being able to move on because I love the guy, and fear of the future away from him.

 

I know in my heart that it doesn't matter if he is with someone, but for the past few weeks I keep hearing rumors about him with someone and he told me he would contact me and inform me if he has. I really don't want to find out he has a new gf from some idiot we both know, I want him to tell me. That is why I emailed him.

 

I regret it now. Big time!! I guess its late at night and I can't sleep!

[Anna86]

Thank you Moni, Wow, thank you. You shed light on the situation for me! I guess we all slip up..I don't ever see us getting back together, nor is it my aim to get him back. I love him dearly but we have NO future after what happened. I guess NC is crucial for people who plan to get back with their ex. I don't. I just want peace of mind and some respect after the BU!

 

My friends/people I know are always bumping into him and they tell me about it. Things I don't want to hear. I just want the truth from him so I don't look so surprised when people tell me rumors! I guess they are so shocked that he hasn't told me stuff....

 

I feel better now. Nope, he has not wb yet. Probably won't.......

 

Ego boost your way! Hope its fun for him

[JasonRules]

It has only being a week and I have being so strong.

 

Only a week has gone by and you already broke NC.

 

I just emailed him asking him if he is with someone new.

 

Whether he is or isn't should not be any of your concern. Do not forget, he left you, not the other way around. You need to not care anymore and move on with your life.

 

I heard a rumor and wanted to clarify it! We both live in the same city and I know I will bump into him (its a small place)...I want to be ready if he is with someone new and not freak out.

 

If that's the case, then make sure you AVOID any places where he might be. I have been in TOTAL NC for almost 2 months. I do not ask or inquire about my ex. I have specifically told all my friends to NOT tell me anything about her. I avoid all places she frequents as well.

 

You need to be totally disciplined and keep busy all the time so as to make sure you do not sit at home and sulk as this will only cause you to want to contact him more and more.

[MissMoni]

 

You need to be totally disciplined and keep busy all the time so as to make sure you do not sit at home and sulk as this will only cause you to want to contact him more and more.

 

I agree with Jason here. OP, NC is crucial for any kind of breakup - even if you don't plan on getting back with him, you won't heal and move on if you are still in contact with him. I am still learning that. Today would have been 60 days for me and I slipped up once (three if you count adding him on LinkedIn and sending an email about professional development I promised I would send before going NC). Believe me, it always starts with only wanting to talk to them once or "catch up". And then you are thrown into their nonsense. Our exes don't want us to catch up with them, I think it's more probable they just want us to leave them alone. Sometimes the best way to love is to let that person go, whether they are happy or not is not our concern as they let us go. NC is for you, to stay sane. The less you talk to him or find about him, the less you will begin to think about him. I know that's hard to believe now but I have found myself surprised to think that I do not nearly think about my ex as much as I did just a couple months, even weeks ago. Getting them out of the forefront of our brain is important.

 

Don't let him know how hurt you are or that you still care. They know we care and they still let us go. The moment you vanish from his radar is when he will begin to wonder - he may not say this to you, but believe me, he will. Dumpers' egos are precious, they don't like to admit that they are hurt sometimes.

[Am4Real]

You took a little heat in a post above about breaking NC.

 

Don't worry -- when you're your age or going through a first or second break up from a relationship there is much confusion about when to say something or how to heal.

 

Understand the reasons for NC and if you truly understand them you will be able to fend off temptation of any kind.

[Anna86]

Thank you for all your advice!

 

I am only human and I slipped up. But, I never got closure for him. Up to the day I told him not to contact me he lied to me. I just want the truth from him. I have always considered myself a good judge of character, so that is why I find this so unsettling. I was 100percent sure he wasn't the cheating type, also, I believed him when he said he wasn't with anyone else. My instincts were telling me different but I decided to brush them aside and let him tell me I was paranoid.

 

Thats what hurt the most. I just want an apology. For him to admit what he did. To admit he played the field before we broke up. All those text messages, online dating, emails and rumors are no coincidence. I just want him to admit to ir. He still denies it heavily.

 

When you move half way across the world with someone and spend a year living with them it comes as a shock that they can betray you like this. He would rather let me believe I am paranoid and to convince me my friends are liars than own up. This is why I slip sometimes.......I just want closure!!

[Anna86]

Plus Jason, when you are giving advice, breaking down someones ego ''only a week and you broke NC' is not going to help. I am a teacher, and if my student slips up or makes a mistake I am trained to not make them feel bad for it. You encourage them not to do it again by guiding them in the right direction. Otherwise you end up creating a situation where the student has no confidence in their ability. I am not sure how you give advice to other people, but I already felt bad so it just led to me feeling defeated even more!

[dragonfly22]

Ana, I understand. I actually keep breaking NC, it's like I can't help myself. Like you I broke it before to confirm that my ex (hurts soo bad to call him that) had been seen someone since before we broke up. He also denied it, he also said I was paranoid, and I also knew deep inside that it was true.

 

I also thouhgt I had a great judgement and during FIVE years I thought I was with a one of a kind man who would NEVER do that to me. I'm heartbroken and I'm upset with him but also with myself for not realizing sooner he was not who I thought he was. Everytime I break contact I get an answer to my questions. Little by little I've been getting answers from him. I wish he had been honest from the beggining. I also wish I could just move on without wanting answers but I can't. So...I get you. I'm sorry we both are going through this. Also...I'm a teacher too.

[JasonRules]

You guys fail to miss the point. The point is this; whether they were "playing the field" or not prior to the official breakup is irrelevant. Why you ask?

 

Because whether they were or not, will not change the fact they said ex made a conscious choice to end the relationship. Whether they were or weren't will not change the outcome. Ok, and let's assume that they did not play the field and were totally committed to you up to the very last minute. Will that make you feel better? Yes? For how long?

 

Personally, whether my ex found someone else or not doesn't make a difference to me. She still ended it and ultimately why would I even want to find out if they were involved with someone else? All that will do is cause me great emotional turmoil and will accomplish nothing good.

 

The phrase "Ignorance is bliss" is not a cliche. It is said because it has a purpose. I advise you to follow it to the letter.

 

And one more thing; if I just broke up with my ex and she called or text me some weeks later to ask me if I'm dating so and so because theyr heard a rumor, my attitude would be "And who the hell are you to be asking me?" We are DONE. We are no longer a couple and I have no obligation to be reporting my dating life to you.

 

But by allowing your emotions to control your actions you're surrendering control of your life to your ex.

[Fufu]

Anna, the truth is, you freak out even before you heard about the rumor.

The thing is you are no longer with him, therefore, even if you have a new bf, you don't even have to tell him. It's the same as if he has a new gf.

 

Breaking NC hurts but I can tell you dwelling over what you did is not going to help you. Start NC again and you will be fine. I broke NC like 3 times before I stick to NC for real.

 

Personally, I have zero information about my ex, and I don't have the temptation to contact him to ask him. Though, i still think of him time to time, I'm sticking to my NC. In fact, I think of him as being in a new relationship now. In this way, I know I will not be a third party and since this guy is attached, I will leave him alone.

[Anna86]

Like Dragon Fly, The reason I broke NC is because I want closure!! I live in a small area, we have at least 30 mutual friends...I end up running into them all the time of course.

 

I noticed all of a sudden that many of them started to feel uncomfortable around me and get awkward around my ex. It turns out they knew my ex was playing the field and didn't want to hurt me or get in anyway involved. I guess they expected that if he didn't tell me the drill, they didn't want to do it for him. Fair point.

 

So, now after the break up I am hearing dribbles from them, slowly they are 'remembering' facts and some even more distant 'friends' are telling me stuff. So I just want it from him. I don't want to hear it 2nd hand or 3rd hand. I want it to be from him. I want to learn about it now, not one or two months from now.

 

I am so sad that after so long he doesn't have the decency to own up to his past. I don't want him back ever again!! But, I do want the truth so I can move on and not feel uncomfortable around him when I see him. It sucks, but I know I will have to see him at some stage.

 

I'm fully aware I need to move on, but I feel this is slowing down my progress as I feel terrible that my ex won't set things straight. I want to move on and know that I am right in thinking my ex played the field.

 

I don't want to have trust issues with my next relationship. I want to know what REALLY happened so I can learn!! Learning that 'he is gone, never coming back, he made that choice to leave' isn't helping.

[Am4Real]

Like Dragon Fly, The reason I broke NC is because I want closure!! I live in a small area, we have at least 30 mutual friends...I end up running into them all the time of course.

 

I noticed all of a sudden that many of them started to feel uncomfortable around me and get awkward around my ex. It turns out they knew my ex was playing the field and didn't want to hurt me or get in anyway involved. I guess they expected that if he didn't tell me the drill, they didn't want to do it for him. Fair point.

 

So, now after the break up I am hearing dribbles from them, slowly they are 'remembering' facts and some even more distant 'friends' are telling me stuff. So I just want it from him. I don't want to hear it 2nd hand or 3rd hand. I want it to be from him. I want to learn about it now, not one or two months from now.

 

I am so sad that after so long he doesn't have the decency to own up to his past. I don't want him back ever again!! But, I do want the truth so I can move on and not feel uncomfortable around him when I see him. It sucks, but I know I will have to see him at some stage.

 

I'm fully aware I need to move on, but I feel this is slowing down my progress as I feel terrible that my ex won't set things straight. I want to move on and know that I am right in thinking my ex played the field.

 

I don't want to have trust issues with my next relationship. I want to know what REALLY happened so I can learn!! Learning that 'he is gone, never coming back, he made that choice to leave' isn't helping.

 

Anna,

 

I understand your point; however, beware your request for information is going to come with a need for more details than you will ever receive.

 

Even if he came forward and said YES, I dated before breaking it off with you, would that tidbit be enough or would the next question from you be “was there sex involved” followed by “how many times” and on “what dates” etcetera, etcetera?

 

I completely understand how you feel about being played for a fool, believe me on that one, however you have enough credible circumstance to understand what likely happened and you can assume everything else did as well.

 

Ask yourself this, does it really matter? Really matter? No, not likely. You now know what this person is capable of and will likely do again. That is your closure!

 

You must eventually celebrate your freedom from having ever to live under such a cloak of mistrust and deception. If you can, concentrate on that goal…being free of a lie.

[Fufu]

Whatever he said to you will never give you closure.

 

You gain the true closure from yourself.

 

If you want true closure, why not just accept the fact that he has a new girlfriend. Case closed, move on. Don't live in denial anymore. It's your life, you will know what's best for yourself.

 

 

I used to self blame myself, I felt I was the one who drove my ex away.

Then my mum told me, "If he is so weak-hearted and not committed to you, anything, any little things can drive him away."

Edited April 26, 2011 by Fufu

[JasonRules]

The bottom line is this; if two people love each other and are totally committed to one another, no power on earth can stop them from being together. All the rest is details...

[happiness0421]

The bottom line is this; if two people love each other and are totally committed to one another, no power on earth can stop them from being together. All the rest is details...

 

I have to agree with Jason on this one. Anna, I hear what you are saying - I said the exact same thing to myself when my ex broke up with me. "I am a good judge of character, how could I have possibly misread this guy so poorly?" In my case, I don't think he is seeing anyone else, considering the fact that he has reached out to me every 1-2 days since the breakup. He's emotionally unstable. BUT, like Fufu said, I am trying to picture him with someone else so that when/if I do run into him, it's not that much of a shock...because it's going to happen at some point.

 

It is SO hard when you want closure and aren't getting it. Amazingly, I received a written apology from my ex that explained everything and gave me all of the closure I needed about 3 weeks after the breakup. That is when I started NC. BUT, in the meantime, I started the grieving process and moved on with my life. What I told myself is that the closure would come eventually. It could've came in 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months, or 3 years; I wasn't sure. All I know is that I told myself it would come, and I figured that after a couple months, if it didn't come, I probably wouldn't even care at that point, because I would be over it. And I really do believe that would've been the case.

 

It is rough to think you may have misjudged this person so poorly, and you wonder how you are going to be able to tell in your next relationship. But you have to have trust and hope that things will work out for the better. And you have to give someone all of your heart, regardless of whether or not you've been burned in the past - it is the only way to open up and love again. It may not be fathomable now, but your time will come. (I know, I know - nobody wants to hear that, not even me! But it is true.)

 

Keep your head up, and remember what Jason said in this last post, because it is completely true. Worthy people would never betray your love; don't you deserve someone that is worthy of you? Would you ever do to him what he did to you? Of course not. Then he was never worthy of you in the first place, and there is someone out there that will be willing to move mountains to be with you.

[radiodarcy]

anna, i know the overall tone of the advice that you've received on this thread has been harsh. but think of it as some much needed tough love. your ex was being harsh with you by breaking up with you and now he is most likely lying to you about carrying on with other women during the course of your relationship. yet you are continuing to seek closure from him on his terms instead of your own. and i have to agree with jasonrules - - your ex doesn't owe you any explanations now. and even if you did get an explanation - - it's not going to change facts and is only going to lead you to ask for more details (as am4real pointed out) which will make you feel worse.

 

you are allowing him to dictate the course of your healing. after all he put you through you deserve to have closure on your terms and need to stop seeking it from him. i sent my ex countless emails trying to get to the bottom of things. it never did any good. all it caused me to do was run in circles like a madwoman. until i finally accepted that i needed to simply stop asking him for answers i was never going to get. once i did that it made it much easier to stick to NC. because i had given myself permission to let go. i would urge you to do the same - - you are only going to wear yourself out by continuing on the road your on now.

[Anna86]

Hey, thanks for all your comments!!

 

Trust me, I know he doesn't love me. I don't love him the same way anymore. I don't want to get back with him. This is the bottom line that I am trying to express! I may have feelings for him but I don't want to be with him. But, I do want the air cleared for me!!

 

I just want things to be less awkward in my life. I want to be free and do what I want and celebrate single life! I deserve to, just like he is. However, all I do is dodge people/situations where I know he may crop up. Its hard dealing with a break up, but having to give up a lot of my friends and favorite places to go has being harsh. Trust me, I have being looking into moving to a new country as this place is too small. I just want an explanation as I don't think anyone should suffer this long in ignorance.

 

What happened was, a few weeks ago we were okay. I never heard knew much about the shady situation so I could be friends with him. I wasn't scared to run into him. But now that I have heard things and he has not come clean is making me upset! I mean, do I really need to avoid all the places I like?

 

What do I do? Give up everything? Avoid places at all expense that he or some mutual friends may go? I can't continue like this......

[Anna86]

Last weekend he was out of town and I felt free. I could go to my favorite place! I had a great time with my friends....But this weekend he is back and is going there. If I could just give him up and have my life back that would be a lot less miserable. But I have given up pretty much everything to get over him. I just want it to end.

 

I want my life back.

 

Maybe I can get it back with a change of attitude? I am trying so hard to be positive and in general am cheerful and optimistic.

 

But now, I feel like a giant fool. I am embarrassed to be around our mutual friends as I don't know what they are hiding. My best friend is now dating my exes best friend so it just makes me so sad I can't hang out with her. It just brings too many memories up and I know that she knows A LOT more but can't tell me. She hates hurting people and doesn't want to get involved.

[JasonRules]

Hey, thanks for all your comments!!

 

Trust me, I know he doesn't love me. I don't love him the same way anymore. I don't want to get back with him. This is the bottom line that I am trying to express! I may have feelings for him but I don't want to be with him. But, I do want the air cleared for me!!

 

I just want things to be less awkward in my life. I want to be free and do what I want and celebrate single life! I deserve to, just like he is. However, all I do is dodge people/situations where I know he may crop up. Its hard dealing with a break up, but having to give up a lot of my friends and favorite places to go has being harsh. Trust me, I have being looking into moving to a new country as this place is too small. I just want an explanation as I don't think anyone should suffer this long in ignorance.

 

What happened was, a few weeks ago we were okay. I never heard knew much about the shady situation so I could be friends with him. I wasn't scared to run into him. But now that I have heard things and he has not come clean is making me upset! I mean, do I really need to avoid all the places I like?

 

What do I do? Give up everything? Avoid places at all expense that he or some mutual friends may go? I can't continue like this......

 

 

I met my ex at a cafe I've been going to for 12 years. All my buddies go there and we hang out together. She actually works there and since the breakup I have not gone there at all to the detriment of my social life and friends. Do you know why?

 

Because I will not risk my emotional well-being to please others. By going there and seeing her I would be putting my own sanity at risk. All this accomplishes is you going back to square one. Square one for me was almost 2 months ago and guess what? Square one is a crappy place to be. I couldn't eat, sleep, or think straight. All I did was replay everything in my head over and over. I felt miserable, but by force I picked myself up and stood on my two feet again. I hit the gym everyday for 2 and sometimes even 3 hours to not have to think. All that bad energy I released it at the gym. You cannot allow yourself to fall into a state of depression. You have to tell yourself everyday that "He/She will not break me". This is what I did and now I am in a better place.

 

Had I kept breaking NC over and over again, I would still be feeling miserable and would have been in total limbo. Now Anna is not the time to find closure. You will find closure when you are no longer emotionally vested in this person anymore. That's when you will find closure. The way to do this though is to allow yourself time to get used to his absense. You are simply going through withdrawal right now. I want you to do the following:

 

 

1. Write his phone number on a piece of paper and hide it. Then delete his number from your cell.

 

2. Remove any pictures of you guys together from your room, home etc.

 

3. Start a hobby or hit the gym every day. You will be surprised how good you will feel afterward.

 

4. If he's your friend on Facebook, you need to de-friend him ASAP

 

5. Do not ask for information about him and tell your friends to not tell you anything about his life. Ignorance is bliss.

 

6. Start planning outings with your girlfriends. Talk to them if you feel sad or need to talk to someone. Cry, talk, or do anything that makes you feel better. Do not keep this all inside of you. Release it.

 

7. Take it one day at a time. This is a marathon, not a sprint. The first 2-3 weeks you will feel very bad every day. After this, you will feel bad someday and other days you will feel ok. As time goes by you will feel good somedays and bad others. Eventually you'll reach a point where you generally feel good, but there will be moments you will feel bad. Hang in there though; do not fret or sulk. Keep your spirits up. If you feel bad, just post here. We're all in the same boat.

[Fufu]

Last weekend he was out of town and I felt free. I could go to my favorite place! I had a great time with my friends....But this weekend he is back and is going there. If I could just give him up and have my life back that would be a lot less miserable. But I have given up pretty much everything to get over him. I just want it to end.

 

I want my life back.

 

Maybe I can get it back with a change of attitude? I am trying so hard to be positive and in general am cheerful and optimistic.

 

But now, I feel like a giant fool. I am embarrassed to be around our mutual friends as I don't know what they are hiding. My best friend is now dating my exes best friend so it just makes me so sad I can't hang out with her. It just brings too many memories up and I know that she knows A LOT more but can't tell me. She hates hurting people and doesn't want to get involved.

 

 

You already have your life back, no doubt about it. He has left, explanation from him won't serve any purpose at all. Not asking you to avoid places that he or his friends may turn up. You don't have to hide or avoid, if you have to go, just go, if not, you don't have to.

 

It takes time to heal, you don't have to over force yourself.

 

If you really want him to explain to you, go ahead and contact him, It's your decision and choice.

Edited April 26, 2011 by Fufu

[reallyconfused2542]

jason

thanks for the suggestions. i didn't know what to do with her number in my phone and that was a good idea. so no late night txts or drunken ones either. i just hope your right about the 2 to 3 weeks thing. keeping my fingers crossed

[JasonRules]

jason

thanks for the suggestions. i didn't know what to do with her number in my phone and that was a good idea. so no late night txts or drunken ones either. i just hope your right about the 2 to 3 weeks thing. keeping my fingers crossed

 

 

I'm right because I already am 1-2 steps ahead of most of you guys, but I didn't sit and sulk. I made a strong effort to piece my life back together. No one will do it for you. You have to take action and do it for yourself.

 

I had quite a few pictures of her on my phone. I saved these off on a computer and deleted them from my mobile. Basically anything that is a daily reminder of him/her you need to remove from your lives.

 

It will not be easy, but you have to push yourselves with everything you got to move forward. There is no turning back now. You sitting at home being depressed will not accomplish anything.