Sudden breakup

[manji123]

First off I just want to say hello to everyone and I'm glad communities like this exist. I appreciate you taking the time to read this and any advice is welcomed and appreciated.

 

I was divorced in July of last year after a 2 year separation so I didn't have all of the separation issues that people normally have, plus I found out that she cheated which made it easier but also gave me some confidence issues. Anyway after going on a few dates here and there I got a little confidence back but really didn't meet anyone worthwhile until I met a very special lady.

 

She was also going through and coming off of a divorce. She had been with him a total of 8 years married the last 2 of those years. Her ex had also cheated on her. The circumstances ended in her moving back in with her parents to get her life back on track.

 

I was there for her during this time and we grew very close. We had talked and been together for 7 months now and although I know that isn't the longest time in the world we grew very close and knew each other very well. We constantly sent texts and emails to each other and made it a point to talk every night over the phone (usually about 2 hours) then we would see each other on the weekends. We currently live 1.5 hours apart so arrangements but luckily there is a major city between us so it cuts the time in half.

 

We had just gotten back from an 8 day vacation to see her brother get married, so I met her whole family and everything was falling into place. We were both happy and I felt that I was beginning to fall in love with her.

 

But a couple days ago almost out of the blue she broke up with me. She was sobbing when she did it and I still don't think she even knows why she did it.

 

She had just started a new job (which she isn't happy with) and was working 3rd shift so I thought she would be tired etc but she actually wanted to do something Friday night. I thought she may want to just rest so there was no communication. I did send a text before going to bed saying goodnight and that I would see her tomorrow. She sent back a snappy reply "Oh ok thought you were going to call earlier" First time she had ever been snappy like that. Anyway I decided to give her a call and that is when everything fell apart. There was never any yelling or anything like that. She was just very "bothered" and frustrated sounding. She wanted to know why I didn't plan things better for our weekends and that she was tired of being at home all the time.

 

This is when I decided to tell her that I understood and was sorry. I would start planning things better and that I was just concerned she was tired after working 3rd shift for the first time. But that's when she said that she couldn't do this. I asked if she was wanting to breakup and that's when she started crying and said she didn't know. From there I should have just stopped and told her to think it over and that it was late etc (this was after midnight at this point) but instead I tried to "fix it" and just made it worse. I told her how much I cared etc and then that's when she said she felt we should be much further along and that she didn't know what was wrong with her. She felt she still feels an emptiness inside her and that it isn't fair to me. She then got down on herself and said that I deserved better and should just move on.

 

The next day I sent her an email asking if I could please see her she responded shortly afterward by saying that I could call. I was sleeping at the moment but she ended up calling me shortly after anyway. She seemed more resolved about breaking up but was still crying. I tried reasoning with her again but it only upset her more. I then didn't want to push her at all so I told her goodbye. I later sent an email telling her that I understood that things aren't how she thought they would be. Her new job isn't what she thought and she feels out of touch (living with parents etc) but I would still be there for her as a friend. I know she needs a support system and that if she needed someone to talk to I would be there. I didn't say anything about a relationship. She responded back by saying she was sorry for being mean and hurting me. She didn't know what was wrong with her and that she would always be my friend.

 

I apologize for typing so much but I just wanted to give all the insight I could. So is there anything I can do? What should my next course of action be? I don't want to put any pressure on her but she was SO important in my life. I miss her deeply and when someone is involved in your day to day life then they are gone it hurts. But more importantly I worried about her. I was the one she would come to with problems and now I feel she is alone. I obviously want her back but more than that I want her to be happy.

 

I also think of all the plans we had coming up. We had already purchased tickets for upcoming shows and rented rooms for trips etc. It just hurts and I'm wondering what I can do to get her back.

[manji123]

Any advice at all? I'm sorry to bump this thread but my emotions are really raw right now and I could really use some advice. Thanks.

[happiness0421]

Man this is rough. Such a long time you were together, and such history...

 

I don't think that she knows what she wants; and if she does, than it is not you. I am sorry if that seems really harsh, but I think it is true. It doesn't mean that she doesn't care about you a lot, but if she really wanted the relationship to work, she would have fought for it more than she did.

 

I went through a similar situation - ended a relationship of 6.5 years because I just couldn't see myself with this person for the rest of my life. It was very hard, and very confusing. But what we decided to do (and may I suggest this to you) was to take some time off from speaking to each other. We did NC for about a month and a half. And you know what? By the time we were speaking again, I had met someone else, and he had met someone else, and we both knew that we were in a much better place than we were in the months (and even years) prior. So I am here to tell you that it IS possible to move on, even if you were with someone for such a long time.

 

So sorry if this is harsh, just wanted to give you some advice. Best of luck with everything

[manji123]

Thanks for the advice and yeah it does sting but I understand. It's just it was so sudden and I feel that she was agitated about other things (job etc) then it progressed to her breaking off our relationship because its the only area that she feels she has any control. I don't know.

 

I'm just in so much pain not having her in my life anymore and I really don't understand what happened all of the sudden and apparently neither does she. She wants nothing to do with her ex or anything like that but feels that she still has that empty feeling and therefore feels that she can't care for me as much as I do for her.

 

Anyway again thanks for the comment and if anyone else has any advice or anything I'm all ears because I'm hurting pretty bad.

[doubtfulwonder]

How are you doing today? I just read your story and feels similar to my situation. I feel like other things going wrong in my ex's life including job etc that maybe depressed about...and only thing could really control was 'us' so pushed me away even though says still loves me. So I totally feel for you. I was blindsided as well about the break up. I don't really understand what happened either.

 

Unfortunately there isn't a lot that can be do. We can't force others to think things or see the way we see it. It doesn't make sense to us why they feel or act the way they do. Maybe they don't know either and are confused? They could come around...or they might not. Too many unknowns and uncertainty. Now you have to take the time to focus on your own needs and try to enjoy life as best as you can without her in the picture. Take one step at a time.

[manji123]

I'm still holding strong right now but it's not easy. Not at all. Thank you so much for your support though it means the world to me right now. I understand that I would do is make her feel guilty and put pressure on her so I'm remaining silent. But it's so hard because I want to be her rock but I can't right now.

 

Just sucks.

[doubtfulwonder]

I feel like we're living almost mirror images of what we're dealing with. Believe me, I tried to tell my ex that I was in it for the long run, through good and bad and how I wanted to be there for him...but he 'ran away' feeling like he had to take this on alone. More of the pulling away. Even though he still wanted to be best friends despite all this...I just can't right now while it's still too fresh in my mind. Been doing NC as much as I can. Otherwise I know I'd keep wanting more than he is willing to give for who knows how long.

 

Anyways, I can relate to you and it was LD too. Hang in there. I'm trying to do the same.

[Darren Steez]

Let her go! She's dumped you and you're just there, saying i'll be there for you, don't do this, I'll be here if you change your mind. she didn't break up with you for no reason, she's says she doesn't know why she's doing it? Well thats just nonsense, unless she's being blackmailed against her will (most unlikely), it's probably because she's found someone else or she just wants to be alone.

 

Either way this is her game, so you can hang around like a lap dog, waiting until she changes her mind and lets you back in or you can just respect her decision and move on because trust me, you being Mr Sweet I understand your job is that and that only makes you look weaker than the guy she's dumping, whining won't change that. It's harsh but that's life.

[mysticmeg1]

GOD you are such an understanding guy..and im female!!!!!!

and also sorry that your hurting, its the worst feeling in the world!

my advice is try not to contact her for a bit give her space...it sounds like she doesn't really know what she want's right now..if she wanted to get you completley out of her life then she wouldn't respond to your emails,txts ect...but she did.

 

maybe things were going to fast for ye guys??ye both had painful break-ups in the past..she could simply be worried about about rushing into something else so quickly.

 

thats the thing about past relationships people try so hard not to make the same mistakes in their current one, instead of enjoying what a new relationship brings they worry about all the things that can go wrong and become withdrawn from their partner and sadly it results in sudden break ups like this..their so afraid of getting hurt again.

[The_411]

manji,

 

She broke up with you for the same reason most relationships end. She got bored with you. You cannot talk with a girl everyday for hours on end. When women get comfortable in a relationship they get bored and start looking elsewhere.

 

Now as to your current situation. Never argue or reason with a woman when she breaks up with you. Be pleasant agree with her and even suggest reasons (not negative ones but vague like our comminucation could have been better)why the break up is a good idea. Arguing/ reasoning doesn't work because you can't argue with someone's emotions and in doing so you strengthen her resolve.

 

Going forward you need to go underground and ignore her. Work on you and forget about her. Make her work hard to get back into your life. She needs to understand that have to be consequences for such a decision.

 

Make imporvements to yourself. Go to the gym, learn a language, improve your social life. Meet other women. Most of all be scarce. The more scarce something is the more valuable it seems and the more people just have to have it.

[manji123]

Again guys I appreciate everyone's advice. I know that sometimes it would be because she is bored or has found someone else but I truly know that isn't the case.

 

I think what spurred this is that she feels her life is out of control (living at home, new job isn't what she thought etc) and I was a source of joy etc. But over the last couple weeks we didn't see each other that much and one of the last times we talked I told her that I sometimes feel like if we broke up she wouldn't really care.

 

Now I know that was the worst possible thing to say and I really didn't mean for it to come out that way. I was trying to say I feel like a wall comes up sometimes. Anyway she then asked me "why are we even dating?" I then realized how that sounded and tried to explain myself, which she sort of understood but it was still in her mind. It also didn't help that she said her ex told her that...

 

The following week (the breakup) she mentioned that along with stuff like "she doesn't know why she does that", "I (me not her) didn't deserve this and needed someone else" etc.

 

I know this may sound like I'm in denial but I was the one on the phone with her and it really just sounds like she is confused and fragile. Then after my dumb comment and still having feelings of emptiness after her divorce pop up here and there I think her confidence is low and she is playing a martyr role in a sense.

 

I could also be wrong and I know I have a vested interest here but only time will tell.

[manji123]

Oh also 411 normally I would totally agree but every now and then we would skip a night and the next day she would send a message saying she missed talking to me or just end up texting a few times followed by a "I know you need to go to bed but I just like talking" type of message.

 

We live about 1.5 hours apart and both have pretty crazy work hours so we only really get to see each other on the weekends. Neither of us ever viewed our calls as laborious and we both even made jokes about how it was odd.

[nevertoolate]

Coming out of a marriage like she did, with so many years into it then having the cheating at the end, I would think she is still pretty unsure of herself inside. She's lucky to have had you to help carry through these last several months. By the way you talk about your feelings for her, it sounds like you're lucky to have had this time together, too.

 

Coming from a similar situation, I think it is best to give her the time she thinks she needs. If you try to stay close to her through this, it just may delay her healing. Sometimes we heal with a partner, sometimes we need to do it on our own. She doesn't want to hurt you. She's just hurting inside and trying to figure out what's best.

 

The rejection and the loss will hurt, and I am so sorry for your pain. During this time, do not be afraid to lean on the people in your life for support. Get your feelings out - don't keep them in. And push through the sadness to find opportunities for fun and enjoyment in your life. Throw yourself out there again. Don't be in a rush to find anyone new. Keep working towards enjoying life. Who knows what the future holds. Just take the time to reflect on this part of your life and take something positive from it. Keep moving forward.

 

Best wishes to you.

[HurtandConfused77]

I agree with many people who are posting here, saying that her previous relationship may be altering her view of her relationship with you. She may be feeling unsure of herself, or she may even feel that you may cheat on her too. It could be that she's trying to protect herself.

 

My situation bears some similarities to yours. My ex and I had our issues, but they weren't significant. In fact, we started to see some real improvements in our relationship. But, life became extremely stressful for her, and she started exhibiting some signs of depression. Then, she decided to leave. It could be the external stresses of your ex's life are making it difficult for her to see anything positive, similar (I believe) to what's happening with my ex.

 

All of the advice I've heard is to give her some space and focus on myself. I'm even trying the nonchalant approach, which helps. Each week has gotten easier for me, because I've been focusing on taking care of "me", and not analyzing why she left and how I can get her back. Your ex fell in love with you, and that love doesn't just fade away. Give her time to think, and to miss you. If she comes back, that's great. But don't spend your time sitting by the phone. Be active, spend time with friends, and do the things you love to do. I spent a lot of time doing some inner reflection, and I've been working on improving myself; you may want to try this as well.