change Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 I had a realization yesterday. My wife had said that she didn't miss me like I miss her. Part of it was grandstanding, I know, but part of it was true. An I realized something. I don't miss the "me" from the last three years -- so why would she? In this trial separation, we're at a very LC place right now so that she can figure out what needs are hers and what needs are her reacting to mine. I believe her psychologist thinks that we are in a symbiotic codependent relationship. I... can't imagine that a person breaks down crying and tells you that something deep inside them tells them that they want to come home and work on it, and that that emotion is actually mine reflected in her. Only God knows. Anyway, I'm blathering. I called and left her a message on Friday about some bills and business stuff. Casual. She called back Sunday morning and we talked for about 10 minutes about what we've both been up to. We were suppose to go to MC today and have dinner, but she needs time away from me to figure out what she wants, so I've called to cancel it. How do you people do it? I'm making some HUGE steps for me in the right direction for the first time in years. I've tried sharing them with family and friends and no one really gets it -- because I've never let anyone else in in the way that I let my wife in. I don't want praise from her; I just want to share these amazing things that I'm finally doing for myself. I want to share instead of gain support -- maybe for the first time, I don't know. And I want to hear about her life. I want to know how her visit with one of our mutual friends went yesterday. I don't know that I've ever been able to let go enough to let her have the kind of space she requires. I can now and I'm happy for her. I'd love to hear about the great things she's probably doing. I want to share and grow as people. And I want to share and grow together. ... It's just so hard. I'm trying to be out of the house by May 1 so that she can move back in during the next three months. I thought I'd found a place, but now that we've extended it out for three months, I need someplace a bit more stable than the one I was going to rent. (She doesn't know this yet.) I don't want to call and tell her this, because I don't want pester. If she wants to talk to me, I assume she'll call. Should I be calling to give her a heads up? How do people do LC? How do you wait to share great news with the one you love because they're deciding if they want to be with you or want to be alone?
jstobo Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 change - it is very difficult. What you are going through is probably the hardest thing you'll deal with in your life. First, accept that. There is nothing wrong with you for having a difficult time being successful with LC. I'm in LC now. It's been 5 days. 11 year marriage with two kids. We have both moved out. We were still talking on the phone a lot, hugging each other tight when we saw each other and texting throughout the day. Suddenly I realized that was doing serious damage to my psyche. In order to make this easier, you need to limit your communication to e-mail or texting. The communication needs to just be about finances and kids if you have them. This way, it eliminates that difficult emotion you get after a positive conversation or visit. LC has been easier than I thought it would be. Its only been 5 days so I know I'm not even close to being an expert. But I do know the last 5 days have been a lot easier to get through. I started LC by sending her an e-mail stating what I needed to do to get through this difficult period. I wanted to be sure she knew why there would be a behavioral change. Her response was, "I want you to know I have received this e-mail, but I do not know how to respond, although it isn't because I don't understand." Hang in there and keep us posted on your results.
floridapad Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 STOP. Deep breath and slow down dude. its great that you are on a self awareness journey. Thats what this is all about. The best part is if she does decide to call it quits you can take it with you for yourself. Having said that, you sure do have a lot of "wants" in your message. "I just want to share these amazing things that I'm finally doing for myself". I've been where you are at and self discovery is an amazing journey but I'm going to be honest. Your wife wont listen to your words. In fact if you try to tell her about these amazing things she will ONLY look at it as self servinig ONLYto get her back. Crazy I know but true. Actions are the only way and the action she is requesting is space. If you want her back and let her see all the changes it will have to come through actions. Words about YOURSELF will only destroy it. You are WAY to emotional right now to have this discussion with her. Again, I was there and made the same mistake and her response was "wow Im glad you feel that way" when she really meant "too bad I dont feel that way". Take it slow
Author change Posted April 26, 2011 Author Posted April 26, 2011 Floridapad: You're totally correct. Actions are the only way forward. And I pushed too hard and we were moving to quickly toward a possible reconciliation -- so now she's cut off contact and drastically backed away, to the point that she's going to date other people. While we're in a three month separation. I don't know how to show action when she won't even see me as a friend, despite telling me I'm still one of her closest friends and how much she values me. I guess what you're saying about action and space... means that I have to show her the only action I can right now, and that's space, right? We may have some contact in co-parenting the cat, but that remains to be seen. Space. Space feels like it's killing me. It feels like it's driving the wedge between us further and further. I guess I have to wait for her to come to me, right? Is that how this goes? I don't want to be the idiot expecting that that will happen, while she's moving on completely. She's always been the kind of woman that said exactly what she meant, though, and I guess it's something that she wants to make no decisions until the end of July. If she was already firmly decided, she'd be gone.
robf1971 Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 I had a realization yesterday. My wife had said that she didn't miss me like I miss her. Part of it was grandstanding, I know, but part of it was true. An I realized something. I don't miss the "me" from the last three years -- so why would she? You guys don't have any kids right? I'm sorry but I don't understand how what your doing is NC or even LC. No kids = no contact. Simple!! Try and forget about what she is doing, and start doing stuff for yourself, act as if all is well, act happy, take up new hobbies, hook up with old friends. At first this will all be hard, then you will start to feel better. Your life will improve. Sometimes it's around this point when they miss you and are attracted back. If not, well you've got yourself back!!
floridapad Posted April 26, 2011 Posted April 26, 2011 Sounds like you got it. A couple of comments based on what you wrote "And I pushed too hard and we were moving to quickly toward a possible reconciliation -- " Happens everytime. Push a person and they run. Having said that. What is the opposite of pushing in order to stop them from running?......SPACE. "I guess what you're saying about action and space... means that I have to show her the only action I can right now, and that's space, right?" Eureka. But your missing one HUGE ingredient to space, which I'll address later. "Space feels like it's killing me. It feels like it's driving the wedge between us further and further." It feels like its killing you but for her it is what she wants. Driving a wedge you say? I thought pushing for a quick reconciliation was driving a wedge. Space is just space. No pressure. gives the person room to think and possibly miss you. Now for that huge ingrediant I was referring to earlier regarding space. Space will kill whoever cares more about the relationship. Space is not necessarily intended to work magic on its own. YOU have to start moving forward with your life. Space gets them to stop running but moving forward with your life and doing new things is the one way to peak their interest towards you. You have got to get out and about and try new things. But the most important thing is that you do it for yourself and not to get your ex back. She is still deciding you say. My friend, she may already have decided but just needs the time to process it and let it sink in. Don't "wait" for her decision. You need to move forward. If thats hard to do then act like you are moving forward. Fake it till you make it type of thing. You NEED to do this for yourself. Now having said that. What sort of cool new stuff are you going to try while your ex "waits" to "make up her mind". Bungee jump perhaps?
Author change Posted April 26, 2011 Author Posted April 26, 2011 You guys don't have any kids right? I'm sorry but I don't understand how what your doing is NC or even LC. No kids = no contact. Simple!! Try and forget about what she is doing, and start doing stuff for yourself, act as if all is well, act happy, take up new hobbies, hook up with old friends. At first this will all be hard, then you will start to feel better. Your life will improve. Sometimes it's around this point when they miss you and are attracted back. If not, well you've got yourself back!! We still share a place together that I'm living in now. She'll be moving back in sometime in May, when I move out to a furnished room somewhere. We also share a cat. I get that most people won't consider this the same as children, but both of us hate kids. This cat has medical insurance that's better than mine. Co-parenting the cat, at least for now, is something we've both decided on. This is the reason for LC. (That and that up until her IC appointment mid-last week, we were getting closer and on a path to reconciliation.) Although she doesn't know it, I'm only contacting her now with business oriented matters. If she wants to know how I am, she will call. As to the other part of your response... I'm looking for a better job. We survived largely on her income after the economy crashed. I don't have enough money to do things for myself right now, but a better job will be the first step on that path. We met in college in built our lives together. I don't have any friends that aren't mutual friends. I don't have any "old" hobbies to return to. No old life to return to. Unless you consider high school.
robf1971 Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 , when I move out to a furnished room somewhere. . Why are are you moving out when she is the one who wants out of the marriage?
Soxfaninfl Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 Why are are you moving out when she is the one who wants out of the marriage? I agree. Don't make the separation easier for her. She wants out let her experience the change. She will eventually will want to come because she will miss the home that you have together. That was my mistake when I moved out for a year. Nothing changed for my stbxw. The only difference for her was I wasn't home anymore while I paid half the bills. Big mistake on my part! She needs to experience the hardship of living somewhere different to feel the hardship of change. If you move out she will never ask you to come back. Don't do it! Learn from my mistake!
robf1971 Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 I agree. Don't make the separation easier for her. She wants out let her experience the change. She will eventually will want to come because she will miss the home that you have together. That was my mistake when I moved out for a year. Nothing changed for my stbxw. The only difference for her was I wasn't home anymore while I paid half the bills. Big mistake on my part! She needs to experience the hardship of living somewhere different to feel the hardship of change. If you move out she will never ask you to come back. Don't do it! Learn from my mistake! Bingo!! Also it comes accross as weak, at a time when you need to be showing strength. No need to be nasty " wife, I've changed my mind and will be staying in our home"
Author change Posted April 27, 2011 Author Posted April 27, 2011 I agree. Don't make the separation easier for her. She wants out let her experience the change. She will eventually will want to come because she will miss the home that you have together. That was my mistake when I moved out for a year. Nothing changed for my stbxw. The only difference for her was I wasn't home anymore while I paid half the bills. Big mistake on my part! She needs to experience the hardship of living somewhere different to feel the hardship of change. If you move out she will never ask you to come back. Don't do it! Learn from my mistake! I hear what both of you are saying. I hadn't thought of it that way. My rational for moving -- she was originally entirely willing to be the one to find a furnished place -- was twofold. I told her the house was suffocating me, that it was like caretaking our house waiting for her to come back and it was stifling my ability to move forward. She had thought it would be easier for me to change very little and not harder; she apologized and said she was happy to move back in. I also feel like she's a VERY busy person (full time work, grad school) and living with her friend in her friend's spare room has been kind of like a vacation from us. She hasn't had to think nearly as much about the situation as I have, because I'm surrounded by the remnants of our shattered family. Coming to the house has seemed a bit awkward and difficult for her. I had hoped that being back in the house would remind her of some of the reasons she WANTS to be married and the good things that we had together, instead of taking yet another leap to fully building her life without me. I have to admit, I'd also hoped that it would be harder for her to bring a date home -- if it comes to that -- to our home than to a place that's solely hers where she's established entirely new patterns and habits and methods of relating to the space. Was I crazy? The decision was partly for her and partly for me. It seems like when she comes over, she grows more and more disconnected with our belongings because she's trying to distance herself. Being "at the house," as we both call it now, seems like it would make that process harder. I want feedback. I'm suppose to move out in a week and a half. I'm not sure if there's any turning back from that decision now, but I'd love to hear any feedback possible.
Soxfaninfl Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 (edited) she apologized and said she was happy to move back in.[/Quote]No she is not. She wants to be back home. That is her home not this place with a friend. That living with a friend will ware off and she will want to have her privacy again. She would have that living at home. living with her friend in her friend's spare room has been kind of like a vacation from us. [/Quote] Trust me that will ware off. I can tell you that from experience. She hasn't had to think nearly as much about the situation as I have, because I'm surrounded by the remnants of our shattered family. [/Quote] You will miss your home. Take it from me I was away from my home for a year, and I wanted to go home all the time. The place I lived in was not home. My house for 8 years was my home. I have to admit, I'd also hoped that it would be harder for her to bring a date home -- if it comes to that -- to our home than to a place that's solely hers where she's established entirely new patterns and habits and methods of relating to the space.[/Quote]That wont' be a problem for her if she is done and doesn't want to work on the marriage. I want feedback. I'm suppose to move out in a week and a half. I'm not sure if there's any turning back from that decision now, but I'd love to hear any feedback possible.[/Quote]Tell her you have changed your mind and are not moving out. Your the one that wants out then you should have to start all over again. Your not the one that wants to end your life together. Let her feel the hardship of all that change that she will endure. I am happy as hell to be back in my house again even though I'm still getting divorced. It's better than living with family and renting. I lived in a room in my parents house, and it was impossible to have privacy. Let her deal with roommates and living in an apartment complex if it comes to that for her. Trust me she will eventually want to come back and you can possibly start to work on things. Take it from someone who has been in your situation. Edited April 27, 2011 by Soxfaninfl
Author change Posted April 27, 2011 Author Posted April 27, 2011 Ugh. I see the points you're making, too. D*** it, I just don't know. I wanted to move out. I've tried very hard to clean up the house and go through my stuff. I've decluttered. I haven't taken down anything that was "us" though because I just can't bear it. I figured that if she wanted it over, she could do that dirty work. The more real moving gets, the more it also looks like a bad option. It might be a chance for me to start over, but it also might be horrible, just renting a room somewhere instead of the house we rent together. I know my indecisiveness in my depression and lack of ability to stick with anything is a trigger for her. Telling her I don't want to move would be very triggering and make her very angry at this point; I'm quite sure of that. I guess I had assumed that she wasn't totally checked out of the marriage when I made the decision. That it would hurt to be at the house with our stuff without me there. That she was making the decision to enter a trial separation because she wasn't sure if she wanted it over or not. I figured it would be harder for her to ignore "us" being in the house. She has a lot more money than me, so she would easily be able to rent a nice flat somewhere -- not something uncomfortable with roommates. She could outfit a new place and really start over building a comfortable life without me in a way that I can't do. I figured her moving to a new place by herself was one more step out the door to the life of working professional woman and graduate student. I guess I was totally wrong?
Soxfaninfl Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 At least you don't have children with her. Trust me this is a good thing. If you want children you can have them with another women. Having to share your children with your ex or stbx sucks because you are used to seeing them every day to seeing them only 50% or less of what you would have now if you were still together.
Author change Posted April 30, 2011 Author Posted April 30, 2011 Just updating on the LC. I haven't contacted my wife for anything that's not financial all week. We did talk briefly by phone twice mid-week -- once in response to arranging our "house transfer" date (that's what she calls it) and once because I was hoping she would be willing to be listed on the month-to-month rental application I was filing, since she makes 80% of our income, and I can't qualify for a place on my own. The second conversation only took place out of necessity and didn't go well. I'm wishing that I didn't have it at all at this point. I hate LC. I know she's very busy, but I also know she's acting like she's single and could be dating. It's driving me up the wall. She told me she wasn't trying to replace me, but I'm beginning to think that's a lie, even if she doesn't realize it yet. I don't want to be a backup plan. Geez -- she wants to be close friends, but she's not even willing to talk right now or see one another in person because she needs "distance." What does she need distance to do? She's the one that left! I would assume that the dumpee would be the one needing to set the pace on any "friendship." I see stories up here every day of horrible situations. I see stories of people going NC or LC and empowering themselves. The less contact I have with her, the more I feel a gaping hole opening up inside. I don't feel empowered. I feel less able to fight for my marriage. I feel drained and empty and deflated. Every time I hear a car lock outside, I expect her to be at the door. Every evening that passes where we don't talk, I expect to hear from her. I expect her to miss me, even vaguely, after all of these years together. I'd expect that from a friend, if that's what she wants to be. Much less someone who is supposedly still seriously considering a reconciliation. I don't know that I'm asking anything with this post. I'm just venting. I have no one to talk to about it, and I'm alone in our home. Very alone.
Author change Posted April 30, 2011 Author Posted April 30, 2011 Posting to keep myself sane and from contacting her. I thought NC would make this easier. With each passing day that I hear nothing from her, the hole inside grows larger. I guess this is because I have no idea when our next contact will be. And because we were in regular contact until one week ago.
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